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Original poster

Colleague is super weird about my pregnancy?

108 replies

newbluecurtains · 09/06/2022 20:18

NCd as my other posts could be outing and don't want to start drama at work!

For context, I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I rarely ever bring it up at work as I don't want to be an annoying person that just talks about my pregnancy all the time. But occasionally I need to bring it up eg. if I will be out for a morning for our 20 week scan where we will find out the gender. When I came back every colleague I saw was excited to ask about the gender and she didn't say a word to me.

If I ever do mention anything - eg. the first time the baby kicked at work, I was excited! She will literally ignore me. The other day I bent down to pick something up off the floor and I got a really sharp pain. I sort of sucked in my breath in pain, held still for a minute, then straightened up slowly. We were the only people in the room and she was stood right next to me as we had been talking, she said nothing. I then said 'oh that really hurt', she walked away.

I think these are the only times I've ever brought up my pregnancy myself. Other colleagues regularly ask me how it's going, if we've thought of names, etc, normal small talk, but she has never once mentioned anything to do with it. It's not that I think others HAVE to ask about my pregnancy, but it's to the point that it's weird to never once say anything - particularly when she knows I've just come from a scan or I'm in pain literally in front of her. If another colleague has asked me about it in front of her, she will step in to change the subject while I'm answering their question, sometimes literally interrupting me to change the subject.

Not sure why I'm posting just...it's weird? She's older than me (in her 50s) with 2 children of her own. It's not just that she's not interested (I don't expect anyone to be!) it's that it seems to actively irritate her. Why??

OP posts:
SD1978 · 10/06/2022 00:04

Bit of both- you probably discuss it more than you realise- the comment when you were bent down- there wasn't a need- you know she isn't interested in the slightest. Some people juts aren't, but there also isn't a need to be rude about her disinterest. I don't j is what you want from her? As long as she is remaining professional in the workplace, stop expecting her to be even slightly interested in your biological functions.

WTF475878237NC · 10/06/2022 00:07

It sounds like she's ignoring it deliberately and my guess is there is a reason for that involving something emotional, given she chats about life generally. I don't think she's weird. She's doing what she can to cope. I imagine listening to conversations initiated by your colleagues, even if not you, is triggering something so she's trying to shut it down in order to do her job.

You're very lucky to be having an enjoyable pregnancy. Count your blessings. Many women don't know that feeling and are on here posting about multiple losses, stillbirth and infertility, not their colleague's lack of interest in an anomaly scan. Cherish not knowing the fear you might lose this baby too.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/06/2022 00:28

Maybe she had a loss, or would have liked another and couldn’t. Or she might be a bit squeamish about medical stuff.. telling someone your baby is kicking is quite intimate. Or she may just not give a shit..

If your colleagues are genuinely excited about your baby’s sex you work in an unusually baby centric place, so her disinterest is standing out more.

I don’t think it’s that unusual and I wouldn’t take any notice.

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saraclara · 10/06/2022 00:55

I find this a really odd thing to OP about. If someone actively avoided talking about my pregnancy, I would assume that they had very good reason for that. I wouldn't assume anything other than that the subject was painful for them, would refrain from prying into it, and quietly get on with my life.

It wouldn't occur to me to need to ask anyone why someone else wasn't giving me the attention I wanted. It's simply not one of those things that has multiple reasons. Listening to even the briefest and mildest comments about a pregnancy, is difficult for some people. End of.

nightfairy · 10/06/2022 01:05

I just think it's odd that my team and I always talk & ask each other about our personal lives, families etc, she talks to me about other elements of my personal life but this one thing. Also to literally interrupt me to change the subject and ignore a colleague in pain right in front of you. But seems I'm in the minority here.

But you weren't "in pain". You experienced a brief pain, and then from your own description harped on it, expecting a rush of sympathy and acknowledgment, from the one colleague you already know is not interested in your pregnancy, for whatever reasons of her own. In your own words:

I got a really sharp pain. I sort of sucked in my breath in pain, held still for a minute, then straightened up slowly. We were the only people in the room and she was stood right next to me as we had been talking, she said nothing. I then said 'oh that really hurt', she walked away.

In that instance, I would feel manipulated, in her shoes.

Who knows why she has a barrier or boundary regarding your pregnancy, in a professional setting, but she has and you know it and to expect otherwise from her - especially when you have the attention and support and interest of all the others - is unreasonable and rather demanding.

Quweenie · 10/06/2022 01:44

nightfairy · 10/06/2022 01:05

I just think it's odd that my team and I always talk & ask each other about our personal lives, families etc, she talks to me about other elements of my personal life but this one thing. Also to literally interrupt me to change the subject and ignore a colleague in pain right in front of you. But seems I'm in the minority here.

But you weren't "in pain". You experienced a brief pain, and then from your own description harped on it, expecting a rush of sympathy and acknowledgment, from the one colleague you already know is not interested in your pregnancy, for whatever reasons of her own. In your own words:

I got a really sharp pain. I sort of sucked in my breath in pain, held still for a minute, then straightened up slowly. We were the only people in the room and she was stood right next to me as we had been talking, she said nothing. I then said 'oh that really hurt', she walked away.

In that instance, I would feel manipulated, in her shoes.

Who knows why she has a barrier or boundary regarding your pregnancy, in a professional setting, but she has and you know it and to expect otherwise from her - especially when you have the attention and support and interest of all the others - is unreasonable and rather demanding.

You would feel manipulated because someone experienced a sharp pain whilst being stood next to you?

I sometimes think Mumsnet is a parallel universe. Some of these replies! 🫣

I’m with you OP. I would find it odd too.

nightfairy · 10/06/2022 01:51

You would feel manipulated because someone experienced a sharp pain whilst being stood next to you?

No, I would feel manipulated if some drama queen experienced a twinge, made a sound, and then when I didn't engage, tried again with "Oh, that really hurt."

But maybe having chronic pain for decades has made me somewhat less open to people playing up their everyday, momentary twinges or their theatrical sneezes, etc. It is not compulsory to be interested in other's internal organs.

Sunnytwobridges · 10/06/2022 03:05

Honestly pregnancy stuff bores me. I never even think to ask about any one’s pregnancy or make comments, I don’t really care. And I never expected any one to ask or be interested when I was pregnant. It just wasn’t important to me. So I wouldn’t want to know about the baby kicking or scans or any of that stuff especially at work.
I would’ve asked if you were ok when you bent over but I would do that regardless if someone was pregnant or not.
Maybe it’s the same for your colleague.

Mothership4two · 10/06/2022 04:05

You are getting a lot of snarky comments on here OP! Taking all you have said at face value, then yes it is a little odd to not mention a colleagues pregnancy AT ALL. I have zero interest but I would say something to be polite. But she obviously has her reasons to specifically avoid this subject and this one only. I would hazard a guess that she's super sensitive due to something involving her own children - miscarriage/still birth/IVF issues? - and is not going to have 'that' conversation. It is also pretty normal to get tunnel vision when there is something major going on in your life and she may just not be particularly aware - although it does sound more deliberate than that. You have no idea what she is and has been going through.

Having said all that, my neighbour did similar to me. She was in her 40's at the time and has a big family. We were friendly and would often chat outside usually two or three times a week. But when I was pregnant with DS2 and gradually inflating over the weeks and months (and I was huge), she never ever mentioned it and it started to get a bit weird. Eventually, about a week before my due date and when I looked like a zeppelin, she rolled her eyes and said something like "well you'd better tell me about this pregnancy then!". I was a bit short with her and said "well I'm pregnant" and left it at that. She was fine after that and we've been neighbours for over 20 years now and still get on OK. I still don't know what that was all about. People can act odd at times

Tlollj · 10/06/2022 04:28

Well I think it’s weird. I’d ask how you were,about names, everything I’d be interested if a work colleague was pregnant. But then I’m generally interested in people.

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 10/06/2022 04:50

I can see it from both sides tbh. It's exciting for you being pregnant. You want attention because it's exciting and it's the biggest thing in your life right now. To other people it's just another pregnancy.

My colleague (it's not you) is pregnant and she acts like she's the only woman in the world to ever have been pregnant. She brings every single conversation we have back to her and how being pregnant is so special and last week she grabbed my hand and made me feel her baby kicking.

I don't ask her any questions because it's so painful for me. I took 7 weeks off recently because I lost my baby at 20 weeks. She knows I lost my baby and still acts like this: it's making me wanting to quit if I'm honest. She says she keeps forgetting and her pregnancy is just too exciting to keep It it . I'm sure I look like a 'mardy cunt'
Too but I don't care

You have no idea what's going on with her.

Mothership4two · 10/06/2022 05:28

I'm so sorry to hear that @QuidditchThroughtheAges and would like to give you a big hug. That's a tough situation with your colleague who is a twat

bevelino · 10/06/2022 05:40

In our workplace someone announces they are pregnant and they get the usual congratulations, but afterwards pregnancies are not discussed at all. I have yet to hear anyone discussing scans, gender or anything else. Pregnancy is natural and does not require any kind of fuss at work.

Daenerys77 · 10/06/2022 06:34

Maybe she is busy actually doing some work.

Whisperance · 10/06/2022 06:47

She's just not as excited as you are and plain not interested in your pregnancy. Doesn't care what you're having or how it's going. Not rocket science. I don't see it as weird, I'd feel the same. Never had any losses and have my own kids so no deep down emotional garbage, but I am simply not interested at all in other people's. It could be just as simple as that.

I'd only ever act interested with close friends pregnancies even though I am uninterested in those too. I would put it on for a work colleague who I hardly know. Why does it matter if she doesn't ask you how you are or wet her pants over what you're having!?

Whisperance · 10/06/2022 06:48

Should say "wouldn't put it on for a work colleague"....

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 10/06/2022 07:04

@Mothership4two thank you

Hollywolly1 · 10/06/2022 07:17

I think she probably just let's you get on with it and just says nothing after all she has teens .I would think mist women with teens or older would not be wanting to go back to the pregnancy stage😂,they may look back and say it was lovely but it normally stops there

SurpriseSurprise · 10/06/2022 07:54

I’ve worked with people in the past who assume just because they are pregnant everyone is interested. When I was going through my miscarriage and subsequent infertility it was hard to feign delight.

Now im pregnant with twins I know how I felt so I don’t mention it unless someone asks. I definitely wouldn’t be a drama queen about a quick sharp pain. She probably thought you were being OTT

MintyGreenDream · 10/06/2022 08:02

Does she have an adult daughter?
If so I'd guess that the daughter is struggling to conceive or has experienced a loss.

LidlMissSunshine · 10/06/2022 08:02

I find this a really odd thing to OP about. If someone actively avoided talking about my pregnancy, I would assume that they had very good reason for that. I wouldn't assume anything other than that the subject was painful for them, would refrain from prying into it, and quietly get on with my life

Yes exactly. Strange that this wasn’t the first thing that occurred to you OP.

She obviously finds your pregnancy difficult or uncomfortable in some way to the point that she’s being unusually and noticeably avoidant of it. She’s friendly and sociable in other ways and on other topics, but it seems like this is so triggering for her she can’t even fake a superficial interest. It doesn’t take much imagination to think why that might be.

11Hawkins · 10/06/2022 08:03

I never ask about other peoples pregnancies. I had a big loss at 19 weeks with triplets and haven't gotten over it.
If I had a colleague who went on and on and on about being pregnant I would react the same. Try talking to her about normal things? Save the pregnancy talk for family? You have no idea what's going on with her and I find it rather insensitive.

RagingWoke · 10/06/2022 12:33

You would feel manipulated because someone experienced a sharp pain whilst being stood next to you?

@Quweenie no. But someone bending, hovering and then dramatically gasping, getting no response so following up with 'oh, that really hurt' is pretty attention seeking and needless. Also knowing there is still months of it come you can surely see why this colleague didn't want to engage.

Johnnysgirl · 10/06/2022 12:39

RagingWoke · 10/06/2022 12:33

You would feel manipulated because someone experienced a sharp pain whilst being stood next to you?

@Quweenie no. But someone bending, hovering and then dramatically gasping, getting no response so following up with 'oh, that really hurt' is pretty attention seeking and needless. Also knowing there is still months of it come you can surely see why this colleague didn't want to engage.

It is absolutely attention seeking, I don't know how anyone can argue differently.
Unless you've actually impaled yourself on something or severed a body part, the world at large doesn't have to live through every fart along with you.
And at 25 weeks that's probably all it actually was. Wind 💨

Phrenologistsfinger · 10/06/2022 14:45

GayParis · 09/06/2022 23:22

Could be a million things. I personally wouldn't ask/speak to a colleague about their pregnancy as it would be too painful for me. Between losses/infertility I unfortunately cannot bear to talk about anything related to pregnancy or babies.

Try to be a little compassionate.

This! All the people saying ‘don’t be mean’ clearly have no idea about what can go wrong in pregnancy and how painful that is. The sensitive empathetic thing is not to blab on blithely about it regardless of the audience- confide in work friends who want to hear it, sure.

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