Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I don't know anyone who's partner treats them well

86 replies

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:23

Male partner.

Either just a partner or husband.

Either all lazy with housework and looking after their own DC, cheaters, or that and mixed in with verbal abuse (that so many normalise), or some even physical abuse, although I don't know of anyone who's being physically abused currently, but know a few who's partner has hit them in the past

I have a friend who's H won't get up with the kids. Says he just can't. Then gets her to pick him up from social events, spends 0 time with his family. Won't engage with the kid activities

My STBXH never took any interest in our DC and just was so flaky. Spoke to me horrifically but was amazingly friendly and polite to everyone else so I looked like a liar for a long time. I kept evidence of it all in the end

Honestly, I really don't know of a single couple who's H treats them kindly and fairly.

I know not all men are bad! Some really good ones out there. I always look in awe when I'm on a day out with DS and see such a heavily involved Dad, having fun?! With his children, who actually speaks properly to his partner

OP posts:

dudsville · 07/06/2022 20:26

I'm sorry @fartoobiled , that's really awful.

DisgruntledPelican · 07/06/2022 20:27

That’s really sad.

Si1ver · 07/06/2022 20:28

Oh that's so sad. Mines lovely. He's loads of fun to be with. He values me, parents equally and works hard. I love him.

He's away for work tonight. Before he went he cleaned up the house and loaded the coffee machine for me tomorrow morning. He also ensured I had a lie in this morning as he knew I'd be doing all the parenting until he comes back. Which is only tomorrow night.

Original poster

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:29

@dudsville it's okay, I'm fully aware he is the bad guy and I can happily live my life free of his crap

But I watched a insta video, like a short clip, about a woman's old relationship - the sketch was that she was in the kitchen and then heard the door go. She panicked inside as the kids weren't ready for bed yet and dinner wasn't cleaned away, house a bit of a mess

Her husband wasn't physically abusive but he would emotionally abuse her and she would be made to feel awful for not having those things done. Like a failure

I can't say why, I really don't know, but it made me feel such anxiety! It was such a reminder of what that type of abuse feels like

OP posts:

xsquared · 07/06/2022 20:29

That's really sad to hear.

As you yourself have already said, there are men who do treat their partners with respect, have fun with their dcs and pull their weight around the house.

I am just astounded that you don't know a single couple in a healthy relationship. What about your own parents? Perhaps a brother or BIL?

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 07/06/2022 20:30

I'm sorry to hear that.
My DH treats me well. Very hands in when our daughter was small, pulls his weight with the school runs, looks after me when I've been ill (am getting over a nasty chest infection right now). If anything, he treats me better than I treat him!
My only complaint is he never cleans the bathroom...
I think that like the news, the good stuff hardly ever sees the light of day, it's just not interesting enough - and men are the same. Hence the many threads on MN.
Mind you, this one is my third attempt - the previous two weren't quite so nice

Original poster

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:31

xsquared · 07/06/2022 20:29

That's really sad to hear.

As you yourself have already said, there are men who do treat their partners with respect, have fun with their dcs and pull their weight around the house.

I am just astounded that you don't know a single couple in a healthy relationship. What about your own parents? Perhaps a brother or BIL?

Ahh that's true! I do know my uncle. He's an amazing man.

My own dad is okay,'he's nice enough. But he talks beneath his breath when my mum says something too loud and eccentric for his liking. And he never backs her up if she's telling mh (15 years younger) siblings for doing something really out of line. He often tells her to leave it or stop being so ridiculous

My grandad sexually abused my mum and uncle.

OP posts:

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 07/06/2022 20:33

My grandad sexually abused my mum and uncle.

Oh Jesus. I'm so sorry. Did he get dealt with? Hope your Mum and Uncle are ok.

Original poster

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:34

@dexterslockedintheshedagain it's very much swept under the Rug

He died Young

OP posts:

pictish · 07/06/2022 20:34

I’d say there are two or three I know who I think might be genuinely decent and kind but that’s only because their wives don’t mention anything untoward and that’s how they present…but I don’t know.
Sadly my experience of men for the most part is that they are selfish, entitled, ill-mannered creatures who are supported to behave that way because of ongoing societal conditioning. I despair at the lazy, rude bastards I hear about from my friends, colleagues and other peers. Many of them don’t even know they’ve got a cunt, they just accept it as ‘men’.
I so wish it were different.

Basketet · 07/06/2022 20:34

Lots of women like to pretend they have a lovely DH. That's not to stay there aren't any out there.

Thejoyfulstar · 07/06/2022 20:35

My husband is great. He looked after me so well after my recent c section that I really wanted to spoil him when he recently got a sports injury. However as soon as my back was turned He would hobble into the kitchen, sit at the kitchen table and empty the dishwasher, change the bin bags and anything he could physically do from a seated position. I would be lost without him!

KilmordenCastle · 07/06/2022 20:36

I think that's quite shocking tbh.

I know of a fair few shit relationships. I know some men that cheat on their partners at any given opportunity, I know a couple of women who are incredibly controlling with their partners and I know one or two couples that speak to each other appallingly (but they both do it, it's not one sided).

But I also know a few good relationships where the couple are a team and treat each other with respect. I am in a very happy marriage and, while my dh is certainly not perfect, he is faithful, treats me with respect and does his fair share of housework and childcare.

I think I would find it quite depressing to not know any happy couples.

Bunce1 · 07/06/2022 20:39

I’m sorry for your life experience and it’s very sad about your mum and uncle.

without wanting for sound like a smug bastard my DH and almost without exception all my couple friends are married to great men. Oh actually. Bar one. One is selfish and lazy and wants a 21st February career awoken earring the big bucks and a 1950s housewife who is docile and submissive. He’s a bit of a dick.

Original poster

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:42

I think I would find it quite depressing to not know any happy couples.

Yes that's it!

I recently watched a short story clip from someone insta/FB, she was making a joke and her and her H were just casually have a laugh, respectful and loving. It was so strange to watch

I was never equal to my H. Always beneath him. A 'silly girl'

OP posts:

AlohaMolly · 07/06/2022 20:45

same same OP. My brother is a good husband and father… but that’s it. I even my friends who present as happily married, aren’t really, because the man is a proper waste of time. I’m starting to believe these ‘goodmen’ are mythical, quite honestly!

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2022 20:52

Most of the shit relationships I see are on mumsnet not in real life

reesewithoutaspoon · 07/06/2022 21:02

Its not going to change until men are socially conditioned better.

If you grow up seeing the women in your life abused/taken for granted/expected to do the bulk of all the housework and childcare. then you expect that as an adult. you don't see it as your role

If TV programmes and adverts continue to push the message that its women's job to do the cooking and the cleaning and looking after the family and adverts sell domestic items specifically aimed at women. then you don't see that as your job either.

If your bad behaviour as a child is brushed away with a ' boys will be boys and a knowing smirk, then why would you change anything. You've been given carte blanche to continue, in fact as an adult it just changes to 'its a man thing' . Women uphold it. Laughing at how useless their boyfriends are but never calling them out on it

If you continue to tell girls that their only value is to be pretty and kind and think of everyone else and to tell boys to be strong and clever and THE BOSS then you propagate those attitudes into adulthood.

If looking after your children is referred to as babysitting instead of parenting then you don't see parenting as the default. You're only there to help out the mother occasionally.

It's the constant drip of stereotypes being reinforced all around you. By TV and media and by social condemnation (often by other women) We, ve all heard women being slagged off for untidy houses or unruly children and no one ever blames the father because it's not seen as his job.

Until we change societal messages and men are also socialised with the expectation that they are equal partners and parents then it's going to continue. Some men have got the message, but they are a lot slower at taking it up because it benefits them not too

Triffid1 · 07/06/2022 21:02

I think it's very sad rhat this has been.your experience. Its nit that strange either. The bulk.if.men have been brought up a certain way/socialised a certain way. So that even the "good' ones are often actually a bit shit.

But the good news is that there ARE men who can move past this conditioning. Men who believe they are good and are willing to.put the effort in to really look at the behaviour of themselves or their friends or other men. And make changes as necessary.

Dh has always been one of the good ones. But he is better today than he was 10 years ago... because he is growing and learning and trying.

I hope I am.also better than I was 10 years ago.

Triffid1 · 07/06/2022 21:02

Sorry about typos. Bed time, on phone etc!

KilmordenCastle · 07/06/2022 21:05

I was never equal to my H. Always beneath him. A 'silly girl'
ugh what a knob!

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. It seems like your experience of men has been pretty shit overall. There really are some decent ones out there. But I do have to admit that, judging from the men I know plus years of being on mn, they are not as common as they should be.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2022 21:12

From what I can tell, FIL was a good DH and Dad. Quiet and reserved but close to his kids. Treated MIL well. He was really already starting to get ill when I met him so I never really knew hi ma's he was.

Consequently DH is a good partner and partner. He's put the kids to bed so I could go out tonight, tidied and put a load in. We text each other with respect and love. He has the when I go away with work or friends. I do the same. Its just an equal marriage.

SicParvisMagna · 07/06/2022 21:18

I was going to react quite grumpily to your opening comment op but then I read your other posts and I'm so sorry you've been though all that. I'm sure it must be very hard to see men as anything but utter shits when that's all you've experienced.
I feel a bit crappy saying how wonderful my husband is, but feel it must be said that some aren't total bellends. My husband is the best person I've ever met. He's kind, thoughtful, gentle, funny, hard working, a great dad and still makes my knees weak after 15 tears together. He brings me a coffee in bed every morning. Often buys me flowers, or a chocolate bar or a cake if out shopping just to make me smile. Loves making me laugh. Supports me in everything I do.
I have a nasty habit of passing out when I vomit, I've nearly died on several occasions because of it, so I can hand on heart say he's saved my life many times. Before Christmas I had a horrendous stomach/sickness bug. If I wasnt already married to him, I'd have proposed then and there. Any man that strips the sofa, and me, washes the vomit and runny poo off a crying 38 year old woman with kindness, and total gentleness is an absolute God in my eyes. I can only wish that other people had a husband like mine because honestly, he is the best. He is everything a husband and father should be.

I hope one day, you meet someone who will treat you with the same love mine does me x

Original poster

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 21:25

@SicParvisMagna he sounds like a lovely man. Don't ever let him go, I'm sure you won't

I was barely escaping ICU last year and constant messages and calls to get discharged because he couldn't handle Our DC

OP posts:

Nolemonade · 07/06/2022 21:35

fartoobiled · 07/06/2022 20:42

I think I would find it quite depressing to not know any happy couples.

Yes that's it!

I recently watched a short story clip from someone insta/FB, she was making a joke and her and her H were just casually have a laugh, respectful and loving. It was so strange to watch

I was never equal to my H. Always beneath him. A 'silly girl'

I would find it depressing to be around couples
like that, especially if your own situation at home was nothing like that.

Flip

1 2 3 4