I don't know anyone who's partner treats them well

[fartoobiled]

Male partner.

Either just a partner or husband.

Either all lazy with housework and looking after their own DC, cheaters, or that and mixed in with verbal abuse (that so many normalise), or some even physical abuse, although I don't know of anyone who's being physically abused currently, but know a few who's partner has hit them in the past

I have a friend who's H won't get up with the kids. Says he just can't. Then gets her to pick him up from social events, spends 0 time with his family. Won't engage with the kid activities

My STBXH never took any interest in our DC and just was so flaky. Spoke to me horrifically but was amazingly friendly and polite to everyone else so I looked like a liar for a long time. I kept evidence of it all in the end

Honestly, I really don't know of a single couple who's H treats them kindly and fairly.

I know not all men are bad! Some really good ones out there. I always look in awe when I'm on a day out with DS and see such a heavily involved Dad, having fun?! With his children, who actually speaks properly to his partner

I knew it already but the examples of good men and the things they do on this thread just emphasise for me how awful my last relationship was. Childcare? Housework? Looking after me when I was ill? Letting me have ONE lie in? No to all of these. Him lying in, drinking, smoking, gaslighting, silent treatment, constant criticism and belittling? Yes, almost every day.
Thank you- because this helps me believe that one day, maybe, I might meet someone who actually respects me (although it's really not in my plans given this last experience).

There are also many horrible women, people who say about colleagues , etc sometimes we have a moan about a partner , of course only telling one side
Do you think men don't moan as well
I mean there are nice men and awful men and some in between but the same can be said about women, or do you only know nice women
This site can be so sexist at times

I’m long term single.

Of my married friends, 2 have husbands who take equal responsibility for all aspects of life, and do so happily, without needing to even be asked, let alone nagged, begged or pleaded with.

The rest are miserable, doing 99% of everything, and shouldering a deep seated resentment of their husbands, but are trapped due to being the lower earners, mortgages etc.

1 is an abusive piece of shit and I’m longing for the day she leaves him.

Oh shut up and come back when 2 men per week are murdered by their current or ex wives/girlfriends.

@RedPlumbob no i won't shut up ,proved my point as well
Some not nice women around

@RedPlumbob that wasn't what was being posted about either it was that basically all men are shit ,nobody knows any nice ones etc , all their friends are unhappy
You can't generalise and grouo every male as horrible

This resonates with me. My late FIL was a wonderful man, really kind and gentle, but at the same time not ' soft'. DH had a wonderful uncomplicated loving relationship with him. They certainly teased and joked with each other but it was always underpinned by respect for each other. DH's siblings ( except one who suffered from severe mental illness and alcohol addiction) also had a great relationship with their dad.

DH is a fundamentally decent human being who does more than his fair share around the house and who has always been a very active parent not because he had to try but because loves DS to distraction and he just does life well. He is just a well adjusted, calm tempered person with a wicked sense of humour. Some people are just born with easy temperaments and grow up in a loving secure, supportive environment which makes them good partners

This doesn't apply to me though and I often wonder how DH has put up with me over the years sometimes 😳

I’m the opposite OP. I can’t think of any husbands I know who treat their wives badly.

DH treats me so much better than I treat him actually. I can be a really shit wife.

*Some people are just born with easy temperaments and grow up in a loving secure, supportive environment which makes them good partners

This doesn't apply to me though and I often wonder how DH has put up with me over the years sometimes*

Ditto!! All of this.

I'm the opposite. I only hear about all these crap men on MN. Of course you never know what goes on behind closed doors but all the men I know appear supportive and considerate. My DH is kind caring and more than pulls his weight around the house and with our children. But he's been this way since we first met, and was then was like this when we moved in together, otherwise I like to think I'd have moved on before we got married and had DC.

Oh dear. As an alternative, I don't know anyones who doesn't. Dh is a good sort, respectful, works like a dog, the children adore him.

I probably know .... 50-100 families through our friends, we both have big families, both boys playing football (which brings you into close contact with 15 x2, 30 other families weekly, for 4+ years) etc, and they are all nothing like you describe.

OP wasn't aimed at you either as you said you know not all men, more at some who claim all friends are unhappy etc
Have faith there are some decent men out there
My dh does his share of all , has a great relationship with the kids as always been hands on as should be
Yes he annoys me sometimes as I do him about little things , but the important things work well
I am also bringing up 2 young men , who hopefully will be decent partners as they know to treat people with respect ,

That's sad. All my friends' partners are great. Don't know any who are not and my husband of 4 weeks is amazing....in fact I'm the lazy one.

My husband is kind, loving, generous, romantic, domesticated, and a fabulous dad.

He is not exceptional. Almost every man we know in our large group of friends is a good man. The same goes for our families.

Don't think awful blokes are the norm - they're not.

My exH was pretty good in most ways. Not violent, good with the kids when they were young, did his fair share, joint bank account etc. But he did have an affair and left us, paid the legal minimum maintenance and was a pretty useless dad to teenagers. Too good to be true, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My experience is that men will generally try and get away with as much as they can within the norms of their peer group.

That's probably why some people find shit men everywhere and others generally feel that the men in their social groups are decent sorts.

I've been in both groups,

In one social group (A) 'being a good dad/partner' had prime importance to your status in the group and anyone behaving like a dick to their partner would have been told it wasn't acceptable. The women in that social group still probably did more than their fair share but at least seemed to feel that it was acknowledged and appreciated.

In the other group (B) it almost seemed like a race to the bottom as to which man could get away with doing the least and any man that looked like they were doing something resembling a fair share would be derided, called henpecked or 'whipped' or under the thumb. The women within that social group would probably all say that their relationships were a bit shit and were quite unhappy.

Sadly,this is my experience too. I can't think of anyone that I know,friends or family,who I could honestly say has a great partner/spouse. I don't actually know anyone who is being physically abused,the abuse is emotional,in that their partner is bone idle,won't lift a finger to help with the kids or housework,is verbally nasty,or controlling with money. I have personally been put off men since my divorce 22 years ago. In that time I have been in 4 fairly long term relationships,and every one of them ended up making me unhappy. I came to the conclusion that all most men seem to want from a partner,is sex,money or looking after. Or all 3.

Honestly there are good ones! I honestly don’t know how I was lucky enough to find one. I never thought I would be one of the lucky ones. You couldn’t ask for a better husband. Keep searching don’t settle!

I think there are definitely groupings, but it’s unfair to say men “Try and get away with as much as possible”.

My husband is a fantastic man, and he is repelled by group B men. He can “fit in” if he has to at work/sports etc. but he is very much group A and will limit his time with the assholes as much as possible.

Same as women, men gravitate to those who share their values.

We also both find it very difficult to spend time with couples who are in shit relationships, turn every night out into a drama/fight/abuse, and just sit and witness it. We have ended up trying to just maintain friendship with the abused person, but not as a couple. Several friends have seriously shit relationships, but any attempt to help is met with “oh I love him” etc.

Loath to admit it but I do agree with the op. I don't actually know that many men who treat women right.

It's either emotional abuse, shaggin around or financial abuse.

This thread is so sad to read, it's awful to hear so many women's experience of shit men. Fwiw my dh treats me very well despite me having mh issues and a chronic health condition, and is hands on with the kids. I do feel lucky as I know I could have easily ended up with someone awful.

I think it's true a lot of people aren't consistently good to the people closest to them.

My experience isn't as dark as yours OP and I think the vast majority of people I know are basically good and decent, but they all have times when they behave badly and selfishly, men and women. AFAIK none of my friends are in violent relationships, but I do think there are lots in controlling or manipulative relationships of one sort or another, but that's not always the men.

I'd include myself in that, I'm not beyond a bit of emotional blackmail on occasion

Mine does. He's downstairs making coffee. He cooked dinner last night and then washed up because I was tired from having a drink after work with a friend. (Imagine how MN would react if a man said they were too tired to wash up after meeting a friend for a drink!)

He is brilliant with DC and drives them everywhere. He does no cleaning, but he does the garden, lots of cooking and washing up, rubbish, taxi-ing, shopping. He buys thoughtful birthday and Christmas presents. He brings flowers if I've had a hard day. He books us weekends away, nights out at theatre and gigs. He has always told me he finds me sexy, even when I put on three stone. He said it just made him appreciate how sexy bigger women could be! Then when I lost weight, he liked the new muscles.

He's very far from perfect, as am I. But he is a good partner and a great dad. DC adore him.