I don't know anyone who's partner treats them well

[fartoobiled]

Male partner.

Either just a partner or husband.

Either all lazy with housework and looking after their own DC, cheaters, or that and mixed in with verbal abuse (that so many normalise), or some even physical abuse, although I don't know of anyone who's being physically abused currently, but know a few who's partner has hit them in the past

I have a friend who's H won't get up with the kids. Says he just can't. Then gets her to pick him up from social events, spends 0 time with his family. Won't engage with the kid activities

My STBXH never took any interest in our DC and just was so flaky. Spoke to me horrifically but was amazingly friendly and polite to everyone else so I looked like a liar for a long time. I kept evidence of it all in the end

Honestly, I really don't know of a single couple who's H treats them kindly and fairly.

I know not all men are bad! Some really good ones out there. I always look in awe when I'm on a day out with DS and see such a heavily involved Dad, having fun?! With his children, who actually speaks properly to his partner

But I never have put up with poor and abusive behaviour. Hence leaving any men showing the first signs of shit, including my abusive husband.

Knew for certain I was divorcing him within a few weeks of the abuse starting - And I did.

Mine is lovely. I’m in Crete with eldest dd at the mo while he looks after our severely disabled son. We’ve been together almost 30 years. I feel lucky though; when my friends talk about their dp/dh’s, I’m literally aghast at how they behave.

My personal conclusion is that the people who say they have a lovely partner, the guy is so fantastic etc… fall into 2 categories
1- these are women who are happy accept stuff I don’t accept (eg on the mental load, taking responsibility for the house and dcs etc….)
2- women who have extremely strong boundaries and dint expect much support from their DP. Happy to get rid if they go over the line etc…

Second group is very small and the first one very big.
Properly nice men are rare for the simple reason that it’s not the way men are raised (both by parents and by the culture around them).
Some men can be ‘trained’ aka learn from strong boundary setting. Most I’d say can’t. They just don’t want to let go of their privileges position.

OP, you say you left at the first sign of abuse but in your first post you say your STBXH never showed any interest in the kids. So maybe it was going on for years and you've just woken up to it?

@SpeckledlyHen I found that having children was a trigger for men starting to behave badly.
When I had my first, DH changed. The man who used to cook meals, be involved in the cleaning of the house , taking responsibility suddenly fell back into the 1950s.

It seems that having children and going on ML is a big trigger for a lot couples, enclosing those where things were shared 50/50 before hand….

I'd say I fall into your category 2 but I do expect support and care ( and I get it) from my DH. I also support and care for him. We work as a team. Although we all live in a patriarchy, we don't in my house.

I meant from the get go. 0 interest in my pregnancy. Never even felt like the scans were worth it

I didn't see it as a warning sign as lots of men aren't interested in the baby but are when it's here

I'm sorry that you have been through this, you deserved better. I'd recommend counselling but if that's not an option for you, then try journaling. I can imagine the realisations you are now having are leaving you feeling furious, distraught and betrayed? The positive news is that you've woken up ( I don't mean that in a patronising way) you have acquired this self awareness which is a huge gift but initially can feel very raw. I hope you have a good divorce solicitor, you need to ensure a good financial settlement. Expect that he will move on quickly, meet someone else and will build up his career and pension pot .

So, it's very unlikely anyone shares anything intimate with you, isn't it?

People tend to share with me, so I hear a lot about people's relationships.

Perhaps it isn't because some women are drawn to abusive people that they hear about others' relationship problems, as has been suggested here. Perhaps some woman are just more likely to trusted with others' vulnerabilities, so they get to hear what goes on behind closed doors.

Exactly, this.

Plus, I've dated a real jerk, but when I met him and agreed to date him he was the nicest most considerate man I had ever met. Only foud out later it was all an act to lure me in. He didn't mean any of it. Dude missed his calling. He should have been an actor.

I broke up shortly after he started showing me his true face. Although the first time he insulted me and trashed-talked my friends I was completely taken aback. I had not seen it coming.

That’s sad,

but remember people often blow off about the bad stuff, so it may well be that when people have bad days etc it’s all that you may hear and not be reflective of the full relationship and you only hear about the bad.

also you will hear the one sided account.

I have a few ‘mum’ friends from the school gate who I chat to but don’t usually socialise with outside of that. But was invited to a drinks evening around of their houses pre pandemic, and all everyone did was moan about their partners while bragging how many other people they had seen on the side, and it wasn’t just one them either. Changed my view completely of them.