Being told horror stories with a newborn/baby, did anyone find it fine and pretty easyish?! (Partner works away 6 days a week!!)

[Tarree]

Just that really. All I am hearing is how hard it will be, how I won’t have time to shit let alone talk on the phone, won’t have money, will be horribly lonely, will feel trapped and exhausted and never look the same again and my bath days are over as I won’t be able to even wee on my own.

I feel miserable just thinking about it!

Well it is a bit like that but it doesn't last that long. Do you have any family near?

Sleep when baby sleeps - sleep depression is the worse! Loads of people cope and manage with and without a partner. One day at a time

Sleep deprivation even

It depends on the kind of baby you have I think. I've had 3, all very different temperaments. You could get lucky and get a little dream baby (my 3rd) or you could have a colicky mess (my 2nd) or something in-between (my 1st). Parenting can be difficult at different stages too, not just the newborn stage. You'll get through, just like we all do.

No worries OP, you will be ok.
Yes, your time will be taken by your baby, but you will actually love it! I think the difficult bit is waking up every so often for feeds. But it does not last that long.
Just enjoy all the cuddles.

I never found it a problem once I was over the initial birth trauma however neither of mine had an actual routine and from the start they just slotted into my usual schedule as I had horses to deal with .

Who is telling you this? They are not your friends!

The initial period can be very tiring, not going to lie. But as long as they are safe in a carrycot or moses basket not propped on the sofa then of course you can go to the loo, have a bath or shower etc even if the baby is squeaking.

What's all this about your partner working away? No paternity leave? Goodness me.
Is he a medical specialist/consultant or maybe one of those highly specific engineers/in the Armed Forces or something?

Never understood the “can’t wee alone” thing - when they’re babies, just put them in the cot or chair while you wee. When they’re older, teach them not to come in. I have 3dc and while they will sometimes burst in, it’s not a regular thing.

I have posted this before and it is certainly not to minimize anyone else's experience but I had two very easy newborn experiences. They both slept in Moses baskets during the day fed every 3 hours (bottle fed) and loved being in their pram so I had lots of walks and coffee shops. I had never even heard of contact napping.
This is nothing I did or didn't do, 8 and 5 years later they both love their beds.
My husband didnt work away but he only had 5 days off then went back 9-6.

You get what you get and no one can predict what your baby will like or what makes them comfortable I just wanted you to know that there are a wide range of experiences.

I empathise OP, since joining Mumsnet I’ve had to totally reconsider whether I want to get married or have children! It sounds bloody miserable!

It is pretty much like that, but it's not forever! You also learn to cope, manage on little sleep and soon adapt to this crazy new chapter of life. You'll have hours or days where you cry, feel low, stressed out, hormonal etc. but it's all worth it. I have a 15 month old and I've not had full nights sleep since he was born, but it has got a lot better. What you get back from having children far outweighs all the other stuff. It's an amazing rollercoaster, so just embrace and roll with it. You'll be fine! And YES sleep when the baby sleeps! Don't do what I did and rush around the house like a lunatic cleaning, doing washing etc. another bit advice that really worked for me, was as soon as they went down to sleep I had a shower and put fresh clothes on, it works wonders! Sitting in my dressing gown just made me feel depressed! I also got out as much as I could with bubba for walks etc. (He was born during covid, so wasn't much else to do) but fresh air definitely helped with my moods and sleep deprivation!

GOOD luck! You've totally got this!

I was a single parent to a newborn and a 5 year old. First month or 2 I was exhausted from the night feeds but nothing major. By 3 months she slept 12+ hours a night. I found it more difficult when she was a toddler, the baby days were a breeze from 3 months onwards.

If your partner works away 6 days a week - then you need to think very seriously about asking for emotional and physical support and planning it in.

What options do you have?

Will he take paternity leave?

Can he change jobs / location / hours - as IMHO this is not an ideal of sustainable family set-up.

Lots of people parent alone. I have not done that. It’s obviously feasible - whether it is enjoyable etc is another story.

Do you have any contingency in place if you need anything from the shops? You are at your wits end? etc.

Very much depends on the child I think.

I don't really remember the first 2 months of DS1's life - he was constantly feeding, I was semi-incapacitated following an EMCS, he would only sleep with me or moving etc. In fact he didn't sleep through alone until he was 3. and at 12 he's lovely.

BUT ds2 was completely different - a super chill and easy baby (thank goodness) who would have a massive feed then sleep and happily occupy himself for a few hours. He was sleeping through by 6 months (properly sleeping through) and even in the early days I was getting 4 hour stretches unlike with his brother.

Some people might say that I was just a more experienced parent - but really I was relaxed about the whole thing both times, and the babies were different human beings

My DH didn’t work away but he went back to working long days after two weeks paternity leave.

I had twins and very little help during the day. His mum used to pop in every Thursday but that was it. You just get on with it, work out your own little routine.

Oh and I’d had a caesarean, the recovery from that was much better than I feared.

Every baby is different and every stage is different. Just try your best to go with the flow and don't try and force your baby into patterns or expectations as it 's more stress than it's worth. And sleep when you can.

It may be easier with just you and the baby to think about. The one thing that got me was not being able to have a bath when I wanted. I soon learnt that you get a lot done when baby sleeps for yourself, like shower/bath/hair wash but most other things can be done with baby in a sling or chair/pram. My one advice would be to sleep when baby sleeps, even if it’s early evening, just getting a couple of hours then makes all the difference. Also it doesn’t have to be lonely, if you go to anti natal classes, get everyones details and form a Whatsapp group.

Quite a few babies are relatively easy. I really enjoyed mat leave. I managed to care for my DCs and keep the house going almost alone without it being that hard, it was definitely less tiring and hard work than my job. With DC1 there was a huge adjustment and I found it tough to be so responsible for a tiny baby all the time. I agree about money being tight but otherwise your fears weren’t my experience. Get out and about, there’s no need to be trapped indoors, walks and shopping, visiting family and friends, baby groups. I usually showered before my DH went to work in the morning and if I wanted a relaxing bath waited until late evening when he was home. But he did work away from home some weeks, and I would pop DC in their chair and put the chair in front of the shower which worked fine. And what about hands free for calls if DC is being demanding at that moment?

Yes, your life will completely change and our society underplays just how significant a change this is as it happens to women and therefore we're expected to just get on with it. (I didn't realise how sexist our society still is until I became a mum).

How easy or difficult this is depends on several factors, some beyond your control, and some within your control.

You're doing the right thing in preparing for it and asking questions now.

Some babies are much easier / harder than others, that but us out if your control. But, knowing where to get help if you are finding anything tough is priceless.

Mumsnet is a great start.

If you want to BF and you have any problems with BFing, go straight to the experts, such as the National Breastfeeding Helpline. Health Visitors, GPs and even midwives can give crap advice about BFing due to poor or even (for GPs) non existent training in what normal BFing looks like.

Having help is important. DP was home for the first couple of months plus I had an easy first baby so I found it pretty easy. (He was working away second time round and my second baby wasn't as easy!)

Other things you can do to make it easier:

If your DP isn't going to be around, what other support do you have? Do you have a friend or family member who you can invite to come round to hold the baby for an hour so you can shower / nap etc?

Understand that:
a. All babies are different and the advice that worked for other people may not work for you. Trust your instincts.
b. Many baby books / self appointed baby "experts" are teaching methods that go against babies' natural instincts and may actually make things harder for you. Feel free to ignore them and work out what suits you
c. Most babies don't sleep through the night. People lie about this. I don't know why they do it.

Most babies want to be close to you all the time. A sling can be really helpful as it means your baby can feel close to you, while you are free to get on with stuff and have the use of both hands (useful thing, hands!).

Don't be afraid to ask for help!

It's tiring and depending on the birth, you will need a little time to heal.
Newborns are reasonably easy though (apart from the random sleeping) they just feed and sleep mostly.
Get a comfortable sling and you can pop the baby in and keep your hands free.
I was out and about within a couple of days, even with a C-section. Being out in the daylight helps the baby begin to learn day and night too.
Keep life simple. Batch cook and freeze so you've always got an easy meal to hand.
I had a little baby bouncer in the bathroom and put the baby in there when I had a shower.
It's not all horror stories and you will have some lovely times with your little one too!

I found the newborn stage a breeze. They stay where you put them. They don't make mess. You don't really have to entertain them...just feed and cuddle them. You can sit on the sofa all day and watch TV. I used to be perplexed at the other mums I knew who said they found it hard.

Toddlers and teens are the worst ages imo. I'd rather look after a newborn any day of the week than a two year old!

My experience was fine. I keep this quiet but it was almost easy.

My kid slept well and ate well. I swaddled from day one and he would nap like a champ in a Sleepyhead thing on the kitchen table with the dogs barking and the tv on. Every morning I’d get up with him, plonk him on the bathroom floor in the Sleepyhead or on the changing table and is shower and get up and put make up on. I felt fresh and accomplished just for this small act. Then I’d stick him in the sling/carrier to combat the 10am screamies and then I’d walk into town for a coffee. This was the height of lockdown so I didn’t have much to do.

He has always been pretty straightforward and I hope it’s in part because I was relaxed but accept it’s almost certainly because he was an easy one.

Anyway, your friends sound like dicks but it’s not about them trying to scare you, it’s about them wanting to humblebrag about the hardship they’ve bravely endured and survived.

Literally everyone’s experiences are different.

I found motherhood a breeze at that stage and thrived on it. It was only in the later childhood years I can say there were real challenges.

Ignore them OP. Of course you will be able to wee/shower alone. Remember a baby doesn't start even crawling until at least 8 months (some slightly earlier maybe) so won't be able to barge into your bathroom as a newborn, by which time you will probably be back at work anyway! Each kid is different.