Being told horror stories with a newborn/baby, did anyone find it fine and pretty easyish?! (Partner works away 6 days a week!!)

[Tarree]

Just that really. All I am hearing is how hard it will be, how I won’t have time to shit let alone talk on the phone, won’t have money, will be horribly lonely, will feel trapped and exhausted and never look the same again and my bath days are over as I won’t be able to even wee on my own.

I feel miserable just thinking about it!

I’d ignore them, I found the first six weeks much easier than I do now with a toddler on my own!

My husband deployed when our daughter was ten days old in lockdown so I was completely isolated. We got by fine! She did cry for an hour or so every night at the same time which was difficult but in the day we used to get settled in with box sets, snacks and snuggle on the sofa along with our one daily walk!

My husband has been deployed for 18 months of the first two years, it would obviously be easier if he wasn’t but we get by together fine!

I found the newborn weeks really easy...baby was a good sleeper - absolutely loved it and a very positive experience

I loved the newborn stage, each time. Beautiful baby, wonderful snuggles, cosy, restful days. It’s tiring, though, and your nipples hurt for the first few days if you’re breastfeeding. it can be very difficult to get used to the lack of sleep. And it is important to be honest that some people find it a horrible time because that way at least people are prepared for the fact that it’s not always a fairytale. Some babies are high needs, some women suffer badly with PND, some women don’t have straightforward deliveries and it can take a long time to get back to feeling well physically and mentally. Some women find being unable to get a full night’s sleep for months on end almost impossible to cope with. But for many women it isn’t actually that bad. The important thing is to know that whatever happens it isn’t your fault if things are hard or if you find it difficult to adjust, or if you don’t feel that instant rush of love. However chances are that you’ll love it and that they will be very special, very cosy days. Take your time to get used to your life being different, go with the flow and just rest.

Newborns I found incredibly easy. No, they don't always sleep much, they cry and they poo, but they also don't take much mental effort.

My husband was around, and we were very much an equal team, which probably helped, but I actually felt more rested then I had done on years.

My first slept great by 6w, though it didn't last (and she's still doesn't sleep through 5y later)

Older babies and toddlers I found much harder tbh - but newborns, meh, I strapped them to me and kind of just got on with life, and had an absolute ball!

But everyone is different.

How you find it will depend on many different factors. Level of support, your MH after birth (PND will obviously make it a lot harder), the 'type' of baby you get, your strengths/weaknesses in the 'new job' (some people are better at babies, some toddlers, some older kids etc), whether you are used to living on rubbish broken sleep, or whether youve historically struggled with less than a full 8hrs etc.

Think about any new job - 10 people could start it, and you'd get 10 different answers about how they found it. Having a baby is similar. To done, it'll be the hardest thing they've ever done, an endurance battle initially. For others, it might be the best and easiest time of their life. Even the same baby, people will have a different view on how easy that baby is to parent.

It’s the shock when it’s your first. As long as you sleep when baby sleeps, use a carrier do so jobs round the house or get into habit of putting baby down when sleeping early on.

It is the isolation and worry that’s hard. Also worrying about a million things will be taking its toll if you have no one to hash it out with.

I found it harder with a second as my first would have a bottle around 5/6 then sleep until 8/9. This time round my first is in at 6am demanding attention then doesn’t nap.

It is actually a very short few months that feel like it’ll never end and then it does (usually!).

OP my baby number 3 is 6 months old, and she is a dream baby. I do find her very easy, I don’t tell people this in real life though as it seems a bit thoughtless? Which is probably why you only hear horror stories. My older two are twins and yes that was hard especially as dh was at work 12 hours a day, but I just got on with it with them. It’s likely to be a shock to your system being your first, but you will just get on with it when the time comes!

Depends on the type of baby you have & how you cope with sleep deprivation in addition to what other responsibilities you have.

Personally, I found newborn stages to be fine - still able to bath, look halfway decent (better than I do now that she's a toddler). If you put them down they actually stay there instead of tearing down the whole house.

The whole sleep when the baby sleeps never worked for me - I would just take the time to rest, read, watch tv etc. But then she wasn't as awful in the night as she could have been. I coslept from the beginning so was getting some decent stretches in and never truly had the sleep deprivation thing until a regression hit.

I look back at the newborn days fondly - milling about in the day doing what I wanted, meeting friends, resting. Now that she's a toddler & im back at work full time I'm finding it much harder.

The newborn stage was easies for me, it was only once they found their voice and were able to move around that things got tricky. Also my first wanted to be held the whole time. You learn how to do things with one hand.

Also agree it depends on the child however DS1 was so easy DH went back to work after a day so we could use time off at another point.

Got 5 week old DD who is currently snoozing in pram after a long dog walk. DH needed to take paternity to look after 4 year old & 2 active dogs whilst I recovered from c section & infection & looked after DD (lost a lot of weight so was feeding her basically constantly). However 5 weeks in and she's so content. I had a bath last night whilst DH was out, I also don't understand ppl who say you can't wee, have a shower etc. you just put them down in a safe place?! If they cry a bit then it's fine for 5 mins, they aren't going to die

Depends on the baby. I've had 3 and they've all been different. DC1 was perfect, just ate and slept all day and I had so much time on my hands. DC2 was born screaming and didn't stop for 2 years. DC3 was somewhere in the middle. Just remember that it doesn't last forever, my DC2 is 7 now and absolutely wonderful.

OP - I always hear the same things but luckily not in my experience. I had my second baby in Feb.

The first thing I would say is that for many Mums the first few months are wonderful. Your baby isn’t doing much other than feeding, sleeping, nappy changes and cuddles - you might be one of the lucky Mummy’s who looks back on the early days with real fondness.

Advice which I would give if I can is:

• The first few weeks are a bit of a blur. I found that I had an energy peak a few days after my sons birth and was up and about and thought bloody hell this is absolutely fine, but then felt exhausted! The HV’s gave great advice that the gentler and slower you ease yourself back into recovery; the better your recovery long term will be.
• I am a massive fan of on demand parenting, if and when you can possibly do this / want to do this. Everyone is different and you have to make parenting work for you in whichever way you can, but for me personally whenever my DS’s needed anything at all I would be straight there (again when possible!) I try never to let them cry or anything and I’d like to think this has contributed to a settled secure baby who is now quite happy on his own while I get on with different things. This have given me a bit more freedom now even while exclusively breastfeeding.
• Be really kind to yourself. I bought some lovely bath salts from my expert midwife (super expensive but such a good buy) and started having a bath every day from day 2. I bought a really good book that I looked forward to reading and I would tell myself I’d be delighted if I could read 5 pages before DS needed anything. As time went on, sometimes I would manage 20 pages and that felt absolutely amazing.
• After the first few weeks, try to do just one thing a day. That might be get through a load or 2 of washing, or coffee FaceTime a friend if you can’t get out - don’t put pressure on yourself to do loads more unless you feel up to it. If you are going out, set the meet up time for an hour after you plan to be there and then you might be on time!
• Invest in a great baby monitor and one of the monitor docking arms which you can attach to anything. This means that you can pop them in their crib / Moses when you are for eg trying to have a bath or cleaning the kitchen and you can see and hear them which will in turn help you relax.
• Make a list of things you really want to watch and watch them when you are feeding. I got an iPad and would watch shows while feeding overnight, it helped me to stay awake (only half joking!) but also meant that I had something to look forward to when I was prizing myself out of much needed sleep for night time feeds.
• My HV told me with my first baby to buy convenience wherever I could afford to. This might be extra, inexpensive onesies for the inevitable poo-throughs that you don’t want to put through the washing machine, or the screw cap formula bottles if you are bottle or tandem feeding.
• It simply isn’t an option for most families, but if you can afford to get help with cleaning even for 2 hours once a fortnight or month - this can be a god send.

You’ve got this and you are doing an amazing job. Celebrate your little wins each day and just know you are always doing your best x

I get the same feeling of being perplexed. I spent a lot of time being quiet in baby groups whilst people complained, trying not to meet anyone's gaze.

I think it really does depend on a lot of different factors though.

I think parental anxiety plays a huge part in finding it hard. I'm not saying being anxious is good or bad here, but I think it drastically alters those early months

If you are constantly worried about your baby, their health, how u are doing, whether it's ok to leave them in the cot and have a pee, if whether it's safe to leave them sleeping and make a sandwich etc, then obviously the whole experience will be more overwhelming and stressful. Its one of the reasons people often find it easier second time around, even with the addition of a toddler! (They also don't have time to worry).

But if someone is not a worrier, and doesn't fully the increased responsibility daunting, then it's probably going to be less stressful.

I adored having newborns but wouldn't have eaten very healthily or had clean clothes in those circumstances. I was young and super bad at housekeeping then though and have army wife friends who coped fine alone. you can also outsource the boring stuff if funds allow!

It’s hard and a massive life change, but also wonderful and all consuming. It's not “bad” it’s just different. Yeah I had no time for a bath, but did I care? No! I remember being shocked at my eyebrows in the mirror because it had been so long since I thought to pay them attention…my mind was on better things like staring at my little noisy miracle 🙂

I described having my daughter as the best Christmas ever. Don't get me wrong, there were days were it felt a little overwhelming and sleeping could be a challenge. Nothing is perfect. But in general, it was a lovely experience. She was chilled, she slept ok. I make sure I went out to meet people. Walked the dog. I certainly managed to drink lots of hot drinks and had a shower every day! You tend to only ever hear the bad stuff from people...mainly because people (mum's) just love to compete!

I agree that approach, expectations and anxiety can colour the experience. High anxiety can be crippling and gets absorbed and internalised by the baby who then becomes fractious. So maybe summoning up an inner calm is important when feeling overwhelmed.

Also I think the ones who are determined that life won’t change or that shoehorning a baby into an exact controlling schedule will experience frustration, stress and disappointment rather than those who allow a routine to evolve over time (which is always changing anyway) - just concentrate on cuddles, bonding and your own physical restoration and emotional balance and you will love it.

Do you have a dog OP?

I know that you don’t have a birth to recover from them, obviously 😁 but I find them to be MUCH harder work than a newborn baby. So if you’ve survived a puppy then you’ll be grand.

My DH was away in the defence forces, and Mum was too far away to be of any help. I educated myself about all the things I needed to do, made sure I had everything that I could possibly need - not luxuries but plenty of the basics. After I took DD home I just treated it as a learning experience for both of us, getting to know one another. I slept when she slept, fed her when she was hungry ( bottle fed so I didn't have any feeding dramas) , didn't expect to make long phone calls to friends . I did have time to wee AND to have a bath - all you have to do is to take baby with you . I just rolled her bassinette into the doorway of the bathroom and had a bath in earshot of DD. I found it easier than when my DH came home, to be honest , because I did things when it suited me and I didn't have to answer to anyone. Good luck !

It is horrendous. I’ve had 2, both the same. The sleep deprivation is another level.

plan for the worst, hope for the best!

Yes, it all depends on so many factors, some within but some outwith your direct control. PP have put it perfectly!

I don't agree that your friends are necessarily being mean, though. I wish people had been more honest with me before I had my DS! Best to be prepared I think. X

I think some people can overthink things. I also know mums who genuinely believed their baby had to be held all the time. Yes, newborns need to be held but these mums ended up virtual prisoners, only showering or eating if their husbands were home or a grandparent was around to hold the baby.

Some babies are just cling-ons and DO want to be held all the time, though!

That's true but if you put them down for five minutes, go to the loo, get dressed or make yourself a sandwich, nothing's going to happen.

I have "easy" babies. They slept through early on fed well and just.got on with things. I remember our baby days fondly.

Toddler stage. Mine are 18 + and I am still recovering...

Of course some babies are easier than others but I never had to skip showers - just put my baby next to the shower and chatted. Ds1 was easy because I DID sleep when he did. It was harder with my twins -partly because of them being twins but mainly because you can't ignore another child! So if this is your first child you're grand!