Panicking about adult child

[freshpatchouli]

Please help me, I'm going out of my mind worrying that my only child son will be alone as an adult.

I understand OP. I left an abusive relationship and you look back on the wasted years and lost opportunities and think what if.

My friend is an only child in her early 50s, divorced with a teen only child. He's doing badly at school. He doesn't have friends and now her parents have died and she's lonely she worries her child will be too. It makes sense and I don't judge.

When my grandparent died I went through the end of life stuff alone and it was really hard. If you suffer with anxiety I understand your worry about your child. If they have friends and work and have hobbies then you must reassure yourself they will be OK. Feeling loved is very important, I've always talked to mine about healthy relationships too.

Still reading. Thank you

Still struggling with this. It seems like everyone I talk to mentions 'my sister' 'my brother'. And all over social media. It's really really hard

I am an only one and have my Cousin who I am close to ,friends and a family .My SIL are both great and I see one for coffee and so on .Remember if he marries he may have RL from her side ,Also friends .Many people do not gel with their RL anyway .

I feel the same. My child is young and I have time to have more but I can't bear to have another. I'm a single parent with a crap ex and I couldn't cope. My partner is an only child and has no issues at all about it and never has. He's 34

freshpatchouli it's just your lot though isn't it. Some people don't have mums or dads or have siblings who have passed away. You can dwell and stress about it which will achieve nothing or you can accept that it's just the way it is in your family. Seriously, you need to get a grip of it, enjoy what you've got and what your DC has. Don't focus on the negative.

I have a sister - I haven't spoken to her for about 20 years. I can't stand her. In your imagination, "giving" your son a sibling would have been this wonderful thing, but it isn't guaranteed at all. Siblings might be a good thing, they might be horrible. Nobody needs siblings to have a happy life. Your son will have a partner, friends, children of his own . Stop beating yourself up about not giving him siblings, he'll be fine.

@freshpatchouli No amount of stories of stories will reassure you as anxiety doesn’t work like that. By soliciting stories you are reinforcing your anxiety.

Please seek help

I worry about this as well but my DS has fantastic friends and will hopefully have his own family. Hes also been raised with my friends who are our family.

As people have said there is no guarantee even with siblings. My best friend has a sibling but when her parents die he wont be in the picture. We will be though because she is our family.

Relationships for young adults I know (and I know lots) focus heavily on their friends. Friends are often seen as non-related family, and step up just the same. They holiday together, have. Christmases together (sometimes to get away from family who are useless/dysfunctional!). We live in a big city and parents often refer to the phrase 'it takes a village to raise a child' , meaning that those who have families far away can rely on friends and neighbours to provide love and support instead /as well as. People are rarely alone.

Our best mates are called Aunty and uncle by our kids and are related in all but blood. I'm pseudo Aunty to my besties kids and they call me 'mamma catwomando'. I'm there whenever they need it.

Your anxiety (and I'm guessing a shit ton of guilt as well) is the issue here. Your DC will be fine. Try to get some counselling to help work through things as it sounds like you've had a lot to deal with over a prolonged period, and anxiety is completely understandable. Your child has become the natural focus as I suspect your brain hasn't really delved into what you're really worried about.

Talking about it will make things start to feel better. X

I have 2 friends who have no siblings. Both have many many friends and get on well with partners family. Neither of them are lonely. One has just lost her second parent but is well supported by everyone around her .

I wish I was an only child! 😄
And I live on the other side of the world from my entire family and have done since aged 17...
I am an adult and wonderfully happy.

Are you getting therapy, OP?

I keep going into cold sweat panics about going back in time to re do things differently. Like a mini panic attack. I think maybe its peri for me.

Anyway, think of it like this. If A hadn't happened you would have B now. Life is full of- two choices a or b. Choosing one excludes the other.

I have 4 kids 3 with SEN, one severe needs. Sometimes I regret he went to severe LD school and I didnt tey mainstream.

But say I sent him to mainstream and they decided his needs was too severe and he got expelled. What then? Choice B might have lead to a worse outcome than the choice I DID make.

Also. You choose the right things at the right time. Sure we can look back with hindsight it wasnt the best choice. But at the time. It was. So ultimately it WAS the right choice.

Life isnt the sum of your efforts. It's the moments, all of them. In that moment. You add up the moments. That's your life. Not this second right now today

What you're getting here is confirmation bias. Once you notice something once it's all you see. Please seek some proper help to deal with your anxieties over this. I'm an only I'm fine, many good friends, brilliant in-laws. Being an only has never been a negative for me, I'm sure it isn't for your son.

Anyone else around to chat about this please?

You've been given plenty of advice and reassurance. It's not Mumsnet you need, but your doctor.

As before by asking for more stories you are only feeding your anxiety.

You really need help OP and to try distraction instead

My mum was one of six. They couldn’t stand each other and by middle age none spoke to each other and old age and deaths did not change that. So, you could have given your child five siblings and for what?

Op you are suffering from anxiety. Kindly, you need to seek help for that. Once you have your anxiety under control this will seem much more in proportion and manageable.

Your son will have you, probably a partner and children. That is what most adults have and what they need. A sibling - IF you get along with them- is a nice to have. It's not going to make or break your son's life.

What if you'd given him a sibling, and he hated them? Or they were unkind to him? Or they were really competitive with each other? Or that sibling moved to Australia?

There are so many what-ifs. Try to think about the positives of what you and he have.

Have you still not had enough "reassuring stories" after more than two weeks of posting and bumping?

Kindly, I really think it's time you addressed your anxiety in a different way now OP.

Thank you to those offering assurance. It really helps.
I'm very aware I have anxiety but need to 'talk' too.

Reassurance

If talking it out helps your anxiety I can try and reassure you too.
Both myself and DH are from big families and although we are in contact with our siblings we simply consider them to be a burden. We have very little in common with them and look forward to the day with we can put bigger distances between us and them.
Now that both DH’s parents have died we very rarely see his siblings and it is bliss.
Siblings are overrated.
I prefer friends.
They care more and are reliable.

Thank you
Bumping