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Panicking about adult child

135 replies

freshpatchouli · 04/06/2022 08:17

Please help me, I'm going out of my mind worrying that my only child son will be alone as an adult.

OP posts:
Sniffypete · 04/06/2022 20:24

Friends are often much better than family! My dad has more than a dozen siblings and doesn't speak to any of them. I'm an only child and have never suffered from it.

legoouch · 04/06/2022 20:31

OP keep talking. Whatever’s on your mind it’s better out (in a space where you feel supported and listened to) than held in.

I had a happy marriage and then my DH died out of the blue by suicide. So I’ve been on my own for many years recovering and haven’t met anyone new yet, but really my life is so much better than it ever was! I got into therapy, realised my marriage was actually a bit controlling and that I’d had a pretty unhappy childhood. But I’m working through it all and in the best space mentally that I’ve ever been in.

Being single doesn’t equate to loneliness or unhappiness. Sometimes our deepest pain can have the most power in helping us find our values and what brings us joy.

and yes this is very much your anxiety, your problem, not anything to do with your DS and his happiness or prospects.

Please do your best to focus on yourself and your own happiness, because by doing that you’ll set the best example for your son which will help him to find his own way in life. Keep talking and exploring whatever soothes your anxiety and brings you joy.

Caveydavey · 04/06/2022 20:34

I have a tiny family and no siblings. It’s fine. I am not lonely and have excellent friends. I watch some of them dance around their families and enjoy their stress vicariously as I fill my life with people I pick to be in it.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2022 20:36

You might want to consider that peri-menopause is greatly affecting your anxiety levels.

TheVanguardSix · 04/06/2022 21:01

Hugs hugs hugs, OP.
You're wrapped tightly inside the fear.
It's ok. Anxious over here too <waves from across the hostile terrain of licking flames and tormenting thoughts>
I understand your worry.
Your son is going to be absolutely a-ok!
Every only child I've ever known has been super well-adjusted and happy because they've been loved. And that's all we have to do really... at the end of it all, just love our kids and they'll take that into the world with them as they grow up.

freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 05:14

Anyone awake? Struggling

OP posts:
Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 05:21

Yes, I am. Can't sleep tonight and happy to talk with you, op.

Nat6999 · 05/06/2022 05:25

My ds is an only one, he is 18 & gay, I worry about him, he is just in his first relationship. I'm terrified of the prejudice he may face being in a same sex relationship, that they may get attacked or hurt. It doesn't matter if you have one or ten children,there is always something to worry about.

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 05:26

@freshpatchouli

If you're in the UK you can also call the Samaritans if you'd prefer to talk to someone over the phone. The number is 116 123.

I'm here though if you want to chat here.

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 05:27

Also, op, I have several male friends who have no siblings and close family. They've filled their lives instead with wonderful friends and all have gone on to meet wonderful partners and start families of their own.

YukoandHiro · 05/06/2022 05:29

I'm an only child. It's fine. I've always had a lot of friends and generally only children are better at making lasting, solid friendships because they have to be. I also now have a husband and two children. Although there are no guarantees of any of this, there are no guarantees that siblings will have anything to do with each other in adult life.

Everyone is alone as an adult, in the sense you are meaning.

freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 05:36

Thank you

OP posts:
freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 05:42

It's so hard to look back and think if things had been different - support from family and husband - there could have been a sibling

It's so hard. I feel so guilty that I wasn't stronger to do this.

Everywhere I look there are two children families. Literally everywhere .

OP posts:
freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 06:03

Anyone?

OP posts:
DisgruntledPelican · 05/06/2022 06:34

Gently, you’re only seeing two-children families because you’re looking for them
and comparing. I know of, and see, loads of different family and relationship set-ups.

it’s natural to worry about your child’s future happiness, and it seems like you’ve had a lot of difficulties in the past that you’re
regretful about. But there is no need to feel guilty - you’ve done well to extricate yourself from that situation.

carefullycourageous · 05/06/2022 06:37

freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 05:42

It's so hard to look back and think if things had been different - support from family and husband - there could have been a sibling

It's so hard. I feel so guilty that I wasn't stronger to do this.

Everywhere I look there are two children families. Literally everywhere .

Things could not have been different. Your ex was abusive and the family dysfunctional. You did exactly the right thing getting away, you teach your child not to accept abuse by modelling not accepting abuse.

Many people with siblings are estranged (I read 1 in 7) and many have difficult relationships with family. There's no guaranteed happiness in any family shape/size.

It may be your past is weighing on your mind, the loss of those dreams you had at the start of the relationship? The reality is your son is a person, alive and with chances. That's a very good thing you gave him.

freshpatchouli · 05/06/2022 06:41

Thank you. I'm reading everything posted.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 05/06/2022 06:42

Honestly @freshpatchouli , family is nothing but a burden and a worry to me. It's been years of guilt and disappointment as we just don't have close bonds and spend all the time managing problems and fall outs.

I've had barely any family support and a whole load of family problems. I love my sons, but my parents, in laws and sibs are primarily a problem not a gift.

Relax. He's free to form his own 'family'.

Basilbrushgotfat · 05/06/2022 06:48

Everywhere I look there are two children families. Literally everywhere

Confirmation bias, op. If you were feeling ground down and desperate as a single mother to 6 children you'd notice all the one child families everywhere.

Please stop beating yourself up, why are you being so hard on yourself? Has something happened to trigger this?

I'm sure your son doesn't feel the same, have you spoken to him about any of this? I'm sure he'd hate to see how you're torturing yourself.

To come through abusive relationships- especially to come through with little or no support- is, quite frankly, extraordinary. It takes enormous strength.

If a friend of yours had had your life would you speak to her so?

I bet you wouldn't.

It's so much better, healthier, to have no family around you than family who are abusive.

Your son is lucky to have you. You have each other and that is the only thing that matters.

Zippidy123 · 05/06/2022 08:09

OP, I have an only child. I understand the guilt that you're feeling. Society constantly tells us we need at least 2 DC, 'family is everything' etc. The reality is that there's are millions of only children out there who are doing just fine. There's also millions of people with siblings out there who aren't!

Your DS is 23, you've done the hardest parts! He's also probably at an age where he hasn't created his own family unit yet but he will. Whether that's by getting married and having children of his own or by solidifying his friendship group or finding hobbies that he loves. He will always have connections in this world.

You can put things in place now to make it easier on him as you get older (a will, sorting through your belongings, thinking about your retirement options).

I have a brother and honestly, he's been a thorn I my side my entire life, he's never been of any support to me. My mum has a sister, they've never been close, all the care of my nana fell to my mum, my auntie made things incredibly difficult in the later years of her life. You can't guarantee that siblings will be close or supportive to one another, they're often a source of great tension and conflict.

As a PP said, do some self care today. Your anxiety has got its claws into this and you need to unhook it.

Zippidy123 · 05/06/2022 08:15

I want you to do something for me-go and Google celebrities who are only children. You'll find a list as long as your arm! Daniel Radcliff, Chelsea Clinton, Samuel L Jackson, Robert Deniro, Al Pachino, Leonardo Decaprio, Natalie Portman and loads more! They've all managed to do ok for themselves!

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/06/2022 11:06

You haven't deprived him of a perfect life by not providing a sibling!

Perfect lives are not ours to provide.

Siblings are a mixed bag and do not always enhance the lives of those around them.

Singletons often do very well in life and, judging by the ones I know, are no more happy/unhappy that anyone else.

The main disadvantage of not having siblings seems to be worry about elderly/ill parents because you don't get to share responsibility.

Is it that you feel lonely just now and that you worry about this on his behalf?

Inextremis · 05/06/2022 11:49

I'm an adopted only child who didn't have children - I've never known a blood relative in my life, and yet I have a husband and friends, and am happy. I've never felt alone and I rather enjoyed being an 'only' as a child :) It's fine, really.

easyday · 05/06/2022 13:13

So I think this has not much to do with your child but everything to do with you. Get yourself off to the GP and tell them you are suffering from severe anxiety. Hopefully they can help you. It may be you thinking you failed your son tonight but something else in a few days. You need to get on top of this.

Afonavon · 05/06/2022 13:54

Siblings are not all that. You could have provided him with an awful sibling. He can create his own family via friends and future relationships. He will be completely fine.

Anxiety is a bastard. Sorry you have been in a shit relationship.