Panicking about adult child

[freshpatchouli]

Please help me, I'm going out of my mind worrying that my only child son will be alone as an adult.

Or a bath helps me sometimes with some nice smelling toiletries and candles.

I wonder if it would help to keep repeating 'I'm experiencing anxiety at the moment'. It removes the sensations from the worrying thought.

The thought 'my son has no siblings' has no power on its own. It's only when it becomes linked to anxious sensations that it gains power to make you feel awful.

I have an adult only child, Op, though she is close to her cousins.

The only thing that I am concerned about is what happens when my partner and I get old. So I have plans in place already, knows where our important documents are, lour wishes etc. The only outstanding thing is that we really need to throw stuff away so that if the worst happens in a year or 2 our dd isn't faced with a house full of rubbish to empty!

The other thing is to try to replace the negative scenarios with positive ones.

Perhaps you could imagine a positive scenario for your son.

Imagine, 25 years into the future. Imagine him with a wife. Imagine what she looks like, what she is wearing, what her smile looks like. Imagine him having two children. They've come over to your house for a bbq. They are happy, running around, coming to show you things they've found in the garden. Imagine your son looking happy and relaxed. You are in the kitchen. He finds five minutes and comes to help you wash up. He tells you he is going to the pub later with his best friend. You are delighted because you've known this friend for 15 years and know how close and good for each other they are. They are both only children and are basically brothers. Imagine how contented and warm you feel inside. Imagine his big bear hug full of confidence and fun.

Now say to yourself - this scenario is no less likely to come about than any of the worrying scenarios I've been imagining. All my worries are just my imagination, just as this scenario is. I can choose to believe this scenario rather than the negative ones.

But you're not really saying anything, are you? Why is this such a big worry, how old is your son?
People generally make their own connections through life, friends, partners, husband/wife, children. There's really no need to make the assumption that he'll be alone unless you have a ton of additional info to add.

Or whatever scenario works, depending on your/his circumstances

What do you want from this thread? Do you want people to tell you he will be fine because he will be or do you want people to help you with your current anxiety over something over which you have no control and may not happen?

I want to know he's going to be okay.

The extended family are dysfunctional and my husband (now separated) is abusive. It's very complicated.

I really want to turn the clock back and have another child but that of course can't happen.

You'll never know if he's going to be okay. I'm more interested if you're currently okay because going by your post, you're not.

How old is he?

Are you planning to harm yourself?

Siblings are overrated OP. I have 4 and they are all wankers or super flakey and I barely see them. Once a year maybe. I'm much better being on my own, I was on my own with my parents for 15 years after the others left. I have a lovely husband, children, friends and pets. Never lonely.

Op - very gently, I would suggest that the problem here is not your son's future, but anxiety or something similar.

You are overly focused on this and catastrophising - there really is no reason to think that he will be alone.

I hear that you are struggling, and think you need to try and get yourself some help. Wishing you luck.

Personally, I don't think family is so important. I'm an only child, I'm definitely not alone. As they say, friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Apart from my parents, I would choose my friends any day.

There are no guarantees with siblings. Each of us has to make our own way. I'm an only child of an only child and I have a wonderful family and friendship group that I created, and your child can, too. I hope you feel better soon.

You need to read the book only and only by Lauren Sadler. She uses evidence to show that being an only child give massive advantages in life. I always challenge my anxiety with evidence. It made me risk assess in a different way.

My DS is an only child and has no cousins. He only has one uncle who lives the other side of the country and isn't family orientated, so there is just me, DH and DS.

I think when he was younger DS would have liked siblings but made up for it by having very close friends he has kept all his life. He has a partner now and she has a large extended family so has many people around him aside from his very small birth family. I also think that the time he used to play alone as a child was good for him and he is fine if he has to spend time by himself now as an adult.

It's not clear to me how old your DC is now?

You're all really kind, thank you.
He's 23 for those who have asked. And yes the problem is me, isn't it.

If he's 23, presumably he already has some established friends, colleagues, partner?

Op, I have been where you are- you are anxious and letting your mind run riot. I don't know if this is something that happens a lot for you, or just a bad day, but it might be worth seeing the dr who can refer you to counselling or the local service, we have a self-refer one. I also find the Claire Weeks old but good if you have anxiety issues. Plus of course there is medication.

I might be overthinking this and you are just having a natural wobble as we all do, but if it's part of something bigger, do reach out for help. It is very natural to worry about our children, even when they are adult, but not for it to be very distressing very often so if it's getting like that, definitely seek help.

@freshpatchouli I can hear your fear and anxiety.

Please believe that even as an only child (and little family around) he will be happy.
How do I know? Because I’m in that case. Only child, away from my own country and little connexion to my family. Family isn’t the end all and be all. As you’ve said about your own family, things can go wrong. A sibling might ne someone you need up despising, or have nothing in common with rather than the close bond you are imagining.

Your mind is catastrophising. It’s not the truth. It can’t be because it hasn’t happened yet so you have no way knowing how things will turn out.
Look at your ds. Know that hat you have do best you could. Look at him enjoining his life, having friends and settling down in life.
He will make his own way through life, the same than you did. And you’ve given him the best you could give him. And that’s enough.

Thank you. I definitely suffer from anxiety.

I can't shake off that feeling that I've let him down and not 'given' him what I should have.

Seriously OP, I'm an only child and the only reason I need another close member of the family is because my DM is a bit odd and difficult - I need someone else to take the pressure off. I've made my own way in life, have my own mini family and friends, so will be find without any immediate blood relation.

DD is young and very independent - not saying she doesn't care, but she'll be off somewhere else in the world enjoying herself.

Thank you ifonly4.
Anymore positive stories like that?

Are OK, op? What's brought this on?

It's fine to worry about your son of course (though I'm sure he'll fine), but you sound really distressed.

I'm an adult only child, it's not great but can't be changed. You can make it much easier though by the way to treat him, my mother is abusive so that's a large part of my problem.

I'm sure he'll find his own family in the way of friends who will support him.

OP, I am an adult only child.

I am married with my own children, but other than them, I have no one. No aunts/uncles/cousins. My mother died when I was a child so it was always just my dad, who was an older father and is very elderly now.

It’s not fantastic, I’ll give you that. But he will cope, everyone does.