Consent and ‘anything goes’ sex

[Anothernameforallthis]

I work in an educational establishment, not in the U.K. but English-speaking. Without going into revealing detail, we recently had a presentation from a professor of sexual health from the U.S. Her presentation was great in many ways. The overall message was that, frankly, as long as there is consent, anything goes in a sexual encounter and nothing is shameful in any way. Butt plugs, anal, choking, fisting; whatever - she provided graphic expectations of all of them. As long as both parties are consenting adults, anything - anything - goes. She encouraged straight men to experiment with anal penetration. She provided a detailed « Sex toys and how to keep them clean » guide. The whole shebang.

Is this the way it is now ? All I could think was that a lot of this comes from porn.

her focus on consent as the green light for all this really troubled me. I’m not convinced that all young girls / women are necessarily able to consent, properly, even if they say Yes.

My sister works in a UK university, in student services. Basically when a student breaks the university code of conduct (which all students sign up to when they matriculate) she’s the one that investigates the complaints and assesses the evidence for / against the student. A lot of the complaints are of student-on-student sexual assaults, but where the female student does not want to go to the police. Often it’s because she feels like she ‘consented’ to something that she really didn’t want to. We bring girls up to be so compliant, to be kind and nice and polite. They seem to have no idea about the boundaries they c are allowed to set. That they are allowed to say no to rough or unpleasant or kinky sex.

i guess alcohol and drugs are a confounding factor here. The prof is talking about an ideal situation where both parties are sober. Assertive. Aware of and ready to enforce their personal boundaries.

i just seemed to me that we are in the worst of both worlds. Where, literally, anything goes sexually. But where we are still socialising girls to be ‘nice’ and be ‘kind’.

Ok so you haven't don't the sex thing before? Got it.

You diverged from the op about 'women are too stupid to like things for themselves, they're brainwashed'. Irony if I've ever seen it.

There’s nothing wrong with consenting adults inflicting pain they’re both comfortable with as part of sex. No one, literally no one, in the kink community is demanding you get out the whips and chains if you’re not into it.

No I didn't @bigbloom. I don't give a shit what you do. As I've said several times.

I am interested in what our teenagers are being taught.

You said it’s a trauma response without any evidence

I think it is. But I'm still not very interested

Trauma response to what, exactly? Where’s your evidence? No one is saying you have to be interested in doing it.

You did but whatever. I don't get the hiding behind kids stuff. You said in the context of adults, that it's unhealthy and a trauma response. You're acting like people are insisting it be taught to kids. I'm completely against that.

Why do you think women who like things you don't like are stupid? Give me a list of Clymene approved acts to follow for future reference.

It’s also interesting how when I gave the example of men who get tied up and pegged, I was told he could be “topping from the bottom” - can you imagine the response if someone suggested a woman who was bound and having anal sex was topping? It’s almost as if they don’t think women can be the dominant party in sex, which I’d say is misogynistic personally but…

It’s also interesting how when I gave the example of men who get tied up and pegged, I was told he could be “topping from the bottom”

He could be I guess if he's forcing/coercing the partner to do it to him... Personally, it was me who raised the convo of wanting to peg and I'm a woman, male DP had never mentioned it before, was entirely "my thing".

can you imagine the response if someone suggested a woman who was bound and having anal sex was topping? It’s almost as if they don’t think women can be the dominant party in sex, which I’d say is misogynistic personally but…

Very true actually.

Woman tied up having anal sex - being degraded
Man tied up being pegged - topping from the bottom

Where is the woman's own agency and desires in that?

What do you mean?

I've seen more than one poster say that fisting is a pleasurable experience.

You do realise that it isn't someone literally ramming a first in you vagina with no warm up right? And that it's an extension of fingering or use of a dildo. And that loads and loads of lesbian and bisexual women enjoy it as part of a healthy, consensual sexual relationship? And that it doesn't even hurt. No more than PIV does.

I've got a very good friend who lives for anal, loves it, sex isn't complete without it for her. Unfortunately her husband isn't keen. It's a serious sticking point in their relationship.

(Yes, we talk about sex lives in detail, we've been best mates since we were 14).

Why are so many people so invested in getting teenage girls, who've probably had sex with at most a couple of different people ever, in short term relationships, to break down their boundaries?

It's creepy as fuck

Totally agree with this

Why are people so invested in try to get young women to feel ashamed of their sexual desires?

There is nothing in the op to suggest the person given the talk was berating the women who didn't want to engage in these practices, she just said that there is nothing wrong with it if you do.

what does numbers of partners have to do with it?

The safest advice you can give teenagers is that 'vanilla' sex is the norm, despite the fact that online porn will have convinced (mostly boys) otherwise.

They aren't.

They are trying to teach young people that consent is key to a fulfilling relationship and exploration within that consent is nothing to be ashamed of.

This day and age it could be debated that it seems adult entertainment is where the main ideas where people get ideas from for various different activities. But what's people's perspectives on the original books for ideas for example

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003YCQ80W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices Kindle Edition
by Brenda Love

or books like the karma sutra
the range of black lace books
modern 50 shades of grey, ect

From one of @Clymene's links:

"The NSPCCC_ says 40 per cent of girls aged 13 to 17 have been pressured into having sex or even raped.
The children's charity surveyed more than 1,000 young women across England and uncovered a frightening level of every day abuse in their relationships.

One in five teenagee_ girls said they'd been punched, strangled or beaten with an object by a boyfriend."

This is 13-17 year olds. This is not OK. Whether it's porn, 'educators' or our wonderful 'sex positive' new world, girls and young women are being let down and harmed. I am no prude whatsoever, but this is a crap movement for girls.

You're just saying random things at this point because who actually said that? Or even implied that? 🙄

Is this what you do when you have no answers, just invent straw man arguments? None of us want our daughters to be abused whether it be pressure for vanilla sex or whatever.

These statistics are absolutely horrifying, @Charley50 I’m waiting for some posters to jump in saying oh, but…

13-17 year olds. Jesus Christ. If any porn-addled boy punched, slapped, spat on, strangled or beat my DDs he’d be straight into the police station. Such actions are assault.

Because the OP said that the talk she heard was in a university setting, ergo the target audience of the talk was young people aged 18-22 or so.

Teaching consent is one thing, and undeniably vital; so-called educators encouraging sexual “exploration” is weird and creepy. Older adults “educating” younger people about sex - yuck, and totally bloody inappropriate in a university setting.

I can your the perspectives, but if students cannot learn the health and safety aspects of different activities in a university, then what's a better option trial and error with more potential health hazards when or if they want to spice up the activities or when books like 50 shades exist, decide to try some of the ideas out ?