Aging parent is being stubborn

[SummersBreeze]

My mother is nearly 70 and I think there might be something like dementia setting in with her. Her memory seems to be good. There's other behaviours going on. As stand alone incidents there were nothing but over a few months from last summer to this spring I started adding up little things and thinking maybe there's dementia setting in. Or maybe there's nothing or something else or just regular aging. I don't know. I am not qualified.

Then since April, there seems to be somewhat of a progression. Her memory is still holding up very well. Sometimes there's some confusion happening and on several occasions I found different items of my underwear in her laundry. She never washes my laundry so it's not that and it's not that they have been mixed up in laundry. I don't know if she's stealing them or if she's becoming confused when my laundry is drying on a clothes horse in the home.

Lately she's fierce stubborn and there has been episodes of anger to the degree of self combustion.

She has a sore back but she won't go to the doctor with it telling me the doctor will only giver her medicine or tablets and they are bad she says.
Her doctor identified high cholesterol a few months and and she came home to me to get me to search online for a diet for high cholesterol and then she refused to take any of it on board.
She's been eligible for the covid vaccine/booster for weeks now but she won't get it. She says she doesn't want to get it until her sore back clears up. She didn't have any hesitation on the other covid vaccines but this booster she won't take.
All my siblings live abroad. If they were home I would have some help to march her to the doctor for the covid vaccine at least.
Any idea as to what I could do to get her to the doctor?

Or should I be emailing her doctor with a list of my observations over the past year and explain that I don't have her knowledge or permission to write to them but I am concerned and maybe they might call her in for a chat. I attend the same practice so I am not a stranger there at the practice?

Could be dementia starting - memory issues are only one aspect of dementia. Quite often it can be strange behaviours that start and anger could be a sign of her realising things are not right but not wanting to face the situation.

do you have power of attorney in place because that could be important going forward regardless of what her problems are and she cant sign those if she is deemed unfit.

you could write to her doctor and let them know your concerns. If your mother consented they would then be able to discuss her health with you.

Thanks for the reply. I don't have POA. I doubt she will welcome a POA. She grew up in a Catholic country where women were frowned upon and had very little rights. She seems to be more trusting of men/brothers but they are all living away abroad.

The behaviours that I observed aren't alarming or shocking or distressing. It was just little things here and there which I am adding up and thinking of dementia.

Hi ,Summer if I might add my thoughts ? my mum had dementia and died from vascular dementia .My husbands Mum has it now , and I have to say your Mum's behaviour doesn't sound anything like dementia setting in .It sounds like normal ageing .My own G/P who is 46 admitted to me she has put her keys in the fridge more than once and has lost her temper many a time in frustration .It's easy to be preoccupied when you get older and most oldies do things without thinking .They do become stubborn !They are at the age when they are tired of listening to other people's opinions and they have been on this earth long enough to know no one knows them better than themselves .Hence impatience when other people try to tell them what's best for them .
If it's any help - dementia comes on very slowly .My Mum began to get very withdrawn - it wasn't glaring forgetfulness that stood out .She stopped doing things she'd always done - going to Church , knitting , contacting friends - losing her daily threads of life .With my mum-in 'law , she lost her appetite , didn't laugh as much , would only want 1 programme on all day every day .The confusion came much later .Eventually of course they became extreme with their memory loss .It's far too soon to be thinking of POA in my opinion .I know you said her memory is still good , but to me she just sounds like your average grouchy older person .I hope she's ok .

Not an expert, but nothing of what you say really amounts to dementia. Take her age out of all you've noted and she sounds pretty ordinary.

She sounds, as Rainy says, just a grumpy person.

I worked in Dementia care most of my adult life and have to agree with the above. I say this gently and I know people can be frustratingly stubborn as they get older but try not to treat your mum like a child, marching her to GP for a booster she doesn’t want is not on. The more you try and make decisions for her the more she will dig her heals in.☺️

Just to comment - it is not too soon to seek Power if Attorney. Everyone should have one in place.

Maybe her mother doesn't want the op to have power of attorney?

I am 65, so not that far off 70 and if one of my kids tried to march me to the doctor they'd get pretty short shrift!

I am older, not thick. I haven't suddenly become a child and I would hugely, massively resent being treated like one in any way whatsoever. And I'd get angry about it.

Being stubborn, and becoming angry can be dementia. That anger then becomes physical.
Unfortunately you can’t make them do things they don’t want to, even if that thing is detrimental their health, as she would be seen as having capacity still.

So are you living together? Are you going to be expected to do the heavy lifting as she gets older but everything is going to be under authority of or run past the males of the family?

There are types of dementia where behaviour changes are one of the first signs.

however it doesn’t sound as if your mum has lost capacity or anything like that. If you’re worried you can keep discussing it with her, but you can’t really be marching her off anywhere. She’s still a grown woman and should be treated as such.

you could bring up POA, never hurts to have that sorted and it can’t be acted on until the person is deemed to lack capacity anyway so wouldn’t make any difference to her right now.

for now I’d just wait and see. Keep taking to her if you’re concerned, but don’t try to back her into a corner or march her off anywhere.

UTI can cause infusion etc, and is her back pain kidney pain?

Many people think POA means you can take control of their money etc NOW. We explained it to our parents broadly that if they were in a coma or very Ill and unable to make decisions or needed care in many years when they become frail, POA meant that we could make decisions in accordance with their own wishes, rather than the state or social services making decisions. And while they were independent and able to make their own decisions we, by law, could not touch their money or make medical / care choices.

It is never too soon to get this in place. DH and I got them drawn up when we did our wills.

It’s hard, OP.

My first thought was if the bad temper is new as well as the random behaviour it could be an UTI.

Your mum has a right to her opinions and what she does and doesn't want to do and you need to understand and respect that.

However, you need to be boundaries with her behaviour and be very clear about what you think and what you do for her.

As soon as her behaviour impacts on you, you need to be clear to her what is and isn't acceptable.

Are you living in her house?

Could you print off POA documents and leave it for her to read? And then hopefully sign?

God luck. If you feel things are becoming out of your comfort zone you could request a welfare visit from your gp/ district nurse.

But she doesn't have to receive help if she doesn't want it.

I can pinpoint 2020 as a starting point for some angry outbursts and all of it was for nonsensical reasons like the use of a clean new tea towel or wanting the use of a pot or measuring a box for posting was another outburst from her.

It's only really within the past few months I started adding up little bits and pieces that occurred from about 2020 to think that maybe she's going senile.

I can even go back to about 2018 for an incident of poor planning and organising and socially inept.

During lockdown she wanted me to sit down with her and do an online shop with her. She doesn't know how to use the internet or computers. I was sitting down with her and she wanted boots but as the online shopping episode progressed I learned that she wanted knee high boots and then it was knee high boots with heels. It was that point I had to put my foot down with her because there's nowhere to be wearing these to.

I doubt it's an infection at this stage.

The sore back is from her upper back and not lower back.

I asked her last night about the booster and if she's going for it and she's doesn't want to get it until her back pain goes away.

At this stage I am concerned and worried about her and I am disappointed too because she is neglecting getting the booster.

My mum is 66, so not much younger than yours and at times she can be a bit neurotic. But I wouldn’t dream of telling her what she can and can’t buy, and I wouldn’t force her to get a vaccination she didn’t feel ready to get. Especially if she’d given me her reasons, even if I don’t agree with them.

sometimes as parents get older their kids can loose sight of the fact that they are still adults who can make their own decisions. I know I’d be pretty annoyed if my dds started taking over my life when I was in my late 60s early 70s.

I know you’re worried OP, but at this stage short of suggesting stuff and talking to her about it there’s not a lot you can do. Your mum does have the right to make her own decisions for as long as she is able to.

You know her well enough to notice a personality change OP. Different dementias start with different symptoms, memory loss is the most common first sign because it is related to the most common dementia. However personality change and outbursts of anger was what I first noticed in my Dad. A UTI can exacerbate things so it is worth getting a urine test done anyway. However it might be that she is depressed.

it’s not at all unreasonable to start looking into POA now but she might be resistant. I am in the process of sorting it for my mum but it has taken 2 years plus to persuade her. Maybe adding a sibling will reassure her even though they won’t be doing anything on it? Best to say she would still be making the decisions but you would legally be able to carry them out, like an unpaid admin assistant, which is probably what you are doing already.

I'm not trying to boss or order my mother around. I am genuinely concerned that she might be going senile and in my mind I am thinking what's the point in waiting around for the possibility of a progression and a memory loss to set in. I hope I am wrong. There's no shocking or alarming behaviours but I am adding them up together. Just since April I found several items of my underwear amongst her drying laundry. Stealing my underwear is not right, no matter what spin you want to put on it.

@SummersBreeze - like I said, I am 65 and because my DH is housebound we don't go anywhere. This week I bought a nice dress. I have nowhere to wear such a dress but I'm still a woman and I still want clothes. Just because my dress isn't practical for my life of cleaning up after an elderly confused man and two dogs, doesn't mean I don't want to know the bloody thing is hanging in my wardrobe.

I'm still a woman!! And I wonder if your mum feels like that too. I'm lucky in that my gorgeous daughter in law talks clothes and make up with me, and does my nails with pretty nail gels. And doesn't treat me like an old woman - just as a woman.

I think there is something happening with her but it's so mild and subiand hardly noticeable. I'm doing observations.

She will never entertain the idea of POA.

Op try the Elderly Parents board, there are people on there that live through this or are currently living through it. It’s great that so many on this board have healthy elderly relatives but sadly that is not everyone’s experience.

The thing is OP. This may be something and it may not be. It doesn’t sound as yet that your mum is at a stage where you should be taking the decision out of her hands.

we are going through the process of trying to get my mother in law to the doctors for a memory assessment. She is very noticeably forgetful, but not yet lacking in capacity and so far she has point blank go. We keep talking to her about it and it does feel like she is now starting to
come around, but it’s been a long process. She has to agree to do it. I also advised FIL to sort POA. So he’s getting that in order. Again MIL is not really happy about the whole thing, but knows that it is in her best interests and it’s not us trying to take her freedom away. Just future planning invade things go down hill.

I would keep talking to your mum about POS and going to the doctors. It could be the start of something. But do be careful to still respect your mums rights to make her own choices. Buy what she likes, so what she likes (unless this becomes unsafe). She is more likely to agree to look into things if she doesn’t feel in danger of loosing her autonomy. Even if she does get a diagnosis of something, it still doesn’t automatically mean she is unable to choose how she lives her life. Just that you need to plan for the future.

Sorry. That POS should be POA. Also sorry for the other typos.

My Mum has never been easy, but definitely getting worse as she gets older. She has become so difficult that she doesn't have any friends, and even myself and my DA who put up with it are starting to bite back. She's 82 and certainly hasn't got dementia. My DM has done a POA to kick in if she's mentally incapable, as she doesn't want anyone else having a say in her circumstances.

My MIL had dementia, throughout she remained a lovely person. Dementia signs started with her forgetting dates and then generally not understanding what was going on.

Obviously do keep an eye on her.

I’m pretty nearly your mothers age, so are most of my freinées. We all agree, the brain slows down, maybe it is just so full that there isn’t any room for new storage. The story about the keys in the fridge is fabulous, it shows that we can all make mistakes through distraction, or weariness or hot keys.

i want to be kind , but I think it sounds to me as if you could do with some distraction from your mother’s company, and she from yours. I thought at first that she was stealing your clothes, but now it sounds as if maybe she has just made a mistake with the washing? My DH and I do our own washing, and we are always finding each other’s socks in the ‘wrong’ drawer.

The boot incident was a bit unsettling. I know it is the council of perfection, but maybe you could have found out what she wanted beforehand to save the endless basket revision which is annoying - but as other posters have said, why shouldn’t someone buy the boots they want.? My mother used to ask me to buy her a bottle of perfume every time I went abroad , I knew she couldn’t possibly need a refill, but it gave her pleasure. When she died, I found half a dozen unopened( I finished the last one last month, luckily I really liked it).

I think lockdown made it very difficult to get way, physically yes but perhaps even more importantly, mentally. Does your mother have any outside groups for friendship or distraction? Could you or rather both of you see whether there are any W.I or Church or UAE or whatever social activities which might provide you both with a break from each other?

i hope you can sort this out, it is miserable not getting on with the person you live with.🌺