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Original poster

Aging parent is being stubborn

81 replies

SummersBreeze · 02/06/2022 22:33

My mother is nearly 70 and I think there might be something like dementia setting in with her. Her memory seems to be good. There's other behaviours going on. As stand alone incidents there were nothing but over a few months from last summer to this spring I started adding up little things and thinking maybe there's dementia setting in. Or maybe there's nothing or something else or just regular aging. I don't know. I am not qualified.

Then since April, there seems to be somewhat of a progression. Her memory is still holding up very well. Sometimes there's some confusion happening and on several occasions I found different items of my underwear in her laundry. She never washes my laundry so it's not that and it's not that they have been mixed up in laundry. I don't know if she's stealing them or if she's becoming confused when my laundry is drying on a clothes horse in the home.

Lately she's fierce stubborn and there has been episodes of anger to the degree of self combustion.

She has a sore back but she won't go to the doctor with it telling me the doctor will only giver her medicine or tablets and they are bad she says.
Her doctor identified high cholesterol a few months and and she came home to me to get me to search online for a diet for high cholesterol and then she refused to take any of it on board.
She's been eligible for the covid vaccine/booster for weeks now but she won't get it. She says she doesn't want to get it until her sore back clears up. She didn't have any hesitation on the other covid vaccines but this booster she won't take.
All my siblings live abroad. If they were home I would have some help to march her to the doctor for the covid vaccine at least.
Any idea as to what I could do to get her to the doctor?

Or should I be emailing her doctor with a list of my observations over the past year and explain that I don't have her knowledge or permission to write to them but I am concerned and maybe they might call her in for a chat. I attend the same practice so I am not a stranger there at the practice?

OP posts:

Lampan · 05/06/2022 09:09

@CaptainMyCaptain I just wanted to point out that nobody could “just get POA and take control of my affairs without my permission” - it’s much more complex than that

CaptainMyCaptain · 05/06/2022 09:15

Lampan · 05/06/2022 09:09

@CaptainMyCaptain I just wanted to point out that nobody could “just get POA and take control of my affairs without my permission” - it’s much more complex than that

We are agreeing then.

queenMab99 · 05/06/2022 09:24

PP have said there is no cure for dementia, but there is treatment which slows down the progression, my mother's dementia started with short term memory loss, her gp referred her to a memory clinic, she was prescribed medication, and although over 10 years it did get worse, she didn't suffer any other symptoms, such as confusion or personality change, and we could have a reasonable conversation with her until she died at 95.
Being in constant pain will make someone irritable, and immune response to a covid booster, could make back pain worse if it is caused by inflammation.
A trip to the doctor would be sensible, but good luck with that if she is being awkward!

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Dementia & alzheimer's General health

lassof · 05/06/2022 09:32

POA assumes the daughter herself is not being cared for by the mother. I wouldn't rush to assume that, based on op's posts.

Original poster

SummersBreeze · 07/06/2022 11:36

Gerwurtztraminer · 04/06/2022 21:52

OP, I'm sorry so many people have dismissed your concerns. You probably are better posting it on a forum with more people familiar with signs of dementia. You know your mother and can see when the behaviour is out of the ordinary. Trust your gut.

A lot of what you've said sounds very familiar to me.

In our case we realised in hindsight how early our mother was exhibiting symptoms (mid 60's at least) and it wasn't memory loss at first. It started with behaviour changes. It was picking fights over nothing, massively increased stubbornness & illogical thinking, angry irrational outbursts including swearing and racist language, paranoia such as giving stuff away to family/friends/neighbours who thought she was just being nice, then later, if seeing the item in the person's possession, accusing them of stealing it. Excessive and odd purchases that her budget couldn't afford and which she would have never dreamed of buying when younger. Health anxiety increased (was always a bit of hypochondriac) and was constantly at the doctors or in the chemists buying OTC medications. Got lost several times in familiar places leading to being anxious about going out - even to the local shop.

She flatly refused to admit there was any problems for years, denied a it of undeniable facts, had excuses for things, refused to talk about it with me, siblings or the doctor. It took a bit of a crisis event for it all to come to a head. Luckily one sibling did have POA from years earlier and we had to use it to get her into supported housing, later a full care home.

Get help from the dementia charities on line and your GP and see what you can do at this stage. Talk to your siblings and let them know what's going on. One piece of advice, don't argue with her or try to persuade her there is something wrong. It's pointless and will alienate her. If she says the sky is green, stay silent, try distraction, changing the subject, move on to a different activity. The good news is that at least for our mother, the behaviour improved as the dementia progressed, less anger and more compliant.

Thanks for the reply and to the other nice replies too.

I actually do think there is something up. There's something off with her. There's something not quite right and it's a lot like what you wrote here. Picking fights over absolutely nothing was one thing that emerged from 2020.

I had concerns about my mom since last year but I out it to the back of my mind. Her seems to be good. It only lately my concerns have deepened. When I found my underwear amongst her laundry. That was shocking for me because it looked like she stole them from me. I encouraged her to go out for a walk and I was going to steal my bra back from her from the washing line but she removed those items into her room. There's something not quite right. Lately I noticed she's been neglecting her health. The doctor raised high cholesterol with her and she came home to me and she wanted me to check alternative treatments online for high cholesterol while saying she doesn't want medicine from the doctor. I printed out pages of diet information and she never implemented any of it like fresh fruit and vegetables and low fat milk. She found fault with everything. Now she has a sore back for weeks that she won't manage and now she is refusing the booster that she's been eligible for. So all of this is fresh concern for me.

Not only that there was an episode about two weekends ago which was so strange. A few months ago, maybe in march, I don't know, she went for a walk to the local village and she came home and she relayed her afternoon to me where she saw her ex in the shop and he was getting his new girlfriend to buy him alcohol and cigarettes. I had no reason to doubt this at the time and I never thought anything of it.
Then two weekends ago, she was experiencing stress from the idea of some visitors coming, and that tipped her into some sort of a spiral of some sort. During that weekend where she was stressed about the idea of visitors, out from nowhere she relayed that story to me from a few months ago but she added more details onto it. The extra details were questionable but I never said anything. She claimed she was in the shop hiding behind a shelf watching her ex and his new girlfriend but mother added on a new detail and said his other ex was also in the shop at the same time doing the same thing, watching him and she said that she still has her eyes on him.

It was all so strange and odd and it had no bearing in the here and the now at the time and what we were going through with visitors coming to the house at some stage. It was actually very scary. Mother was dragging me into the middle of all of this and

So all of these little bits and pieces all accumulate and adds up. There's something not right but I am not qualified to say. And I have no idea how to get her to the doctor. Talking to her about this will likely lead to an explosion of anger from her.

Don't worry, I don't want POA or control over my mother and she's getting her pension cash in hand at the post office every week in case people are wondering where her money is going to.

OP posts:

Lampan · 07/06/2022 14:34

I think with POA, while you may not want it at the moment, you may come to wish you have it in the future. I don’t have any ideas about how to get her to agree to it but it will make life so much easier in the long run if it is dementia.

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