Aging parent is being stubborn

[SummersBreeze]

My mother is nearly 70 and I think there might be something like dementia setting in with her. Her memory seems to be good. There's other behaviours going on. As stand alone incidents there were nothing but over a few months from last summer to this spring I started adding up little things and thinking maybe there's dementia setting in. Or maybe there's nothing or something else or just regular aging. I don't know. I am not qualified.

Then since April, there seems to be somewhat of a progression. Her memory is still holding up very well. Sometimes there's some confusion happening and on several occasions I found different items of my underwear in her laundry. She never washes my laundry so it's not that and it's not that they have been mixed up in laundry. I don't know if she's stealing them or if she's becoming confused when my laundry is drying on a clothes horse in the home.

Lately she's fierce stubborn and there has been episodes of anger to the degree of self combustion.

She has a sore back but she won't go to the doctor with it telling me the doctor will only giver her medicine or tablets and they are bad she says.
Her doctor identified high cholesterol a few months and and she came home to me to get me to search online for a diet for high cholesterol and then she refused to take any of it on board.
She's been eligible for the covid vaccine/booster for weeks now but she won't get it. She says she doesn't want to get it until her sore back clears up. She didn't have any hesitation on the other covid vaccines but this booster she won't take.
All my siblings live abroad. If they were home I would have some help to march her to the doctor for the covid vaccine at least.
Any idea as to what I could do to get her to the doctor?

Or should I be emailing her doctor with a list of my observations over the past year and explain that I don't have her knowledge or permission to write to them but I am concerned and maybe they might call her in for a chat. I attend the same practice so I am not a stranger there at the practice?

Same. 70 next year.

Not sure why you haven’t asked her about the underwear thing? That’d be the first thing I’d do. She doesn’t sound like there is an underlying issue with dementia from what you’ve said, she sounds fed up, and like she doesn’t trust you. You certainly don’t sound like you should be living together if your remarks are anything to go by. Have you thought about moving out?

Noone is talking about locking the woman up but you.
Well it certainly sounds as though you think she is becoming incapable of independent living (or however independent she is living with you), so, if you're not prepared to wait until dementia sets in, what are you suggesting happens if not some care home with restricted egress?

The ptoblem here is you, OP.

Why are you still living in your mum's house?
You are invading her personal space. Maybe she's giving you clues to move out.

Why are you so insistent on her having dementia?

I'm the most Pro vaccine person but who do you think you are to attempt to force someone to take another booster?

How does her not wanting another booster fit into dementia?

I think you need to go to the GP.

I don’t follow the set up here - are you living in her house or is she living in yours? If she doesn’t have a bank account (and presumably has never had one) who pays for food, rent/mortgage, public transport? How does she receive her pension?

Doctors don't just agree to speak to another family member ad hoc .My sister had to get my mother's permission to have a discussion about her .I doubt your Mum would go for that .A G/P would have to have a lot more to go on to make a referral to a specialist than a few observations . G/P's don't diagnose Dementia .My Mum agreed to it when her attention was drawn to the fact that she had been out and left the cooker on , was no longer able to recall her phone number and couldn't take pleasure in normal things .It was a long time before a firm diagnosis came .
It sounds as though you and your Mum don't get along too well .You sound resentful of having to pay things for her .Are you subconsciously looking for a way to get away from her ? Sorry , but that's how it sounds to me now that you have posted more .

OP, I'm sorry so many people have dismissed your concerns. You probably are better posting it on a forum with more people familiar with signs of dementia. You know your mother and can see when the behaviour is out of the ordinary. Trust your gut.

A lot of what you've said sounds very familiar to me.

In our case we realised in hindsight how early our mother was exhibiting symptoms (mid 60's at least) and it wasn't memory loss at first. It started with behaviour changes. It was picking fights over nothing, massively increased stubbornness & illogical thinking, angry irrational outbursts including swearing and racist language, paranoia such as giving stuff away to family/friends/neighbours who thought she was just being nice, then later, if seeing the item in the person's possession, accusing them of stealing it. Excessive and odd purchases that her budget couldn't afford and which she would have never dreamed of buying when younger. Health anxiety increased (was always a bit of hypochondriac) and was constantly at the doctors or in the chemists buying OTC medications. Got lost several times in familiar places leading to being anxious about going out - even to the local shop.

She flatly refused to admit there was any problems for years, denied a it of undeniable facts, had excuses for things, refused to talk about it with me, siblings or the doctor. It took a bit of a crisis event for it all to come to a head. Luckily one sibling did have POA from years earlier and we had to use it to get her into supported housing, later a full care home.

Get help from the dementia charities on line and your GP and see what you can do at this stage. Talk to your siblings and let them know what's going on. One piece of advice, don't argue with her or try to persuade her there is something wrong. It's pointless and will alienate her. If she says the sky is green, stay silent, try distraction, changing the subject, move on to a different activity. The good news is that at least for our mother, the behaviour improved as the dementia progressed, less anger and more compliant.

Yes some have the responses have been quite mean, and why all the distracting comments about living arrangements? I thought multigenerational living was supposed to be wonderful for older people, there’s always threads banging on about how marvellous this is in other countries.
The fact is, you know your parents, you know when their personality significantly changes, could be in their 60’s, could be in their 90’s. Op I hope you have gone over to the elderly parents/dementia boards because you will get lived experience like the poster above and not the denial brigade.

The living arrangements are pertinent to what the OP is saying, e.g. the unusual banking arrangements, whose house do they live in.

As is the fact that this situation has already been posted by this poster several months ago.

... and because some of the OP's statements seem to come from an unsympathetic place.

I can't comment on the dementia although some of your Mums actions do sound concerning.
Regarding the doctors if she was told she had high cholesterol and has done nothing about it, could it be she thinks she'll get told off? She may think the vaccine nurse will have access to her notes or something. Not going for the pain in her back could be the same thing or she could be worried it's more serious and be scared. Some older people do start to worry more about their health as they age.
I don't know why some posters are attacking the op for living with her Mum. It can be a very sensible solution especially with the cost of living right now. Or maybe her Mum was lonely.

OP I think you are getting some really mean replies on here and I agree with what @Gerwurtztraminer has said.

Unfortunately I am dealing with my mother’s dementia at the moment and I have noticed that on these boards people get very defensive at the suggestion that someone may have dementia if they are exhibiting any strange behaviour. The truth is she’s your mother and you know her behaviour has changed. In my experience so far with this awful disease, the worst part was the feeling that you can no longer deny to yourself that something is wrong.

With my mother, one of the early signs was when she seemed to not recognise which things belonged to her and which to others. So if I bought her something she said she needed, for example some new pyjamas, she wouldn’t seem to recognise they were hers. She would also (and still does) go into my bedroom (I don’t live there but there is still some stuff in my childhood room) and take things to hide in her room. Things that are clearly not hers but she obviously doesn’t know this.

I don’t really know what to suggest, even if you get her to the GP you may not have much luck. In my experience we took her to the GP with concerns 3x before they didn’t just dismiss it as normal ageing. That made me really upset. Why would you take a relative to see them unless you thought something was wrong?
I would also echo those saying a POA is important though I appreciate you don’t think that will be possible. But it really, really helps especially if things progress.

Lastly - talk to people. The number of people who have experienced relatives with dementia is high but I find people just don’t really talk openly about it. I find it really helps to know that people understand. Keep posting on here and ignore the people being unkind. It’s a shit time regardless of whether it is dementia or not.

@lmnopeepee what a cruel and heartless response to someone who is worried about her mum

Same here. It sounds like she's fed up of being bossed around.

If she's 69 she's not eligible for a 4th vaccination in the UK unless she is Severely Immunocompromised anyway.

There's no cure for dementia, I, being near your mothers age, have not heard any reports from anyone in real life that ' any medication they were given by the doc magically restored their or their DPs mind or memory. So I doubt much can be done.
But you could speak to Age U.K. or perhaps your GP to see what they suggest. And rule out urine infection or anything else.
Inform the family of your concerns and get on with your life.

Why they live together could be very pertinent. It could be that the daughter is actually being cared for by the mother, either formally or informally. In which case, all the calls for poa are not going to be all that helpful. I can just imagine my sibling writing this, including the tendency to control. He is in reality unable to live independently but has convinced himself my mum needs caring for instead.
It isn't all that common for adult children to live at home before the parent is ill, unless there has been 'failure to launch' for some reason.

It is never too early to get the POAs sorted out

It is for their protection

You don't have to start using it once it's signed. Just keep them ready for when you need to them

Have you just said to her "Mum, have you seen my bra's". "Mum, do you really want those boots" All things my adult daughter would say to me in a friendly way but you seem quite disparaging/aggressive in the way you talk about her, more like a flat mate at uni. It just seems a weird and unpleasant set up for both of you. Has it all just got too much for you living with her? You seem to be looking for a dementia diagnosis; would this mean the rest of the family would have to take notice?

I'm 67 and would be horrified if someone thought they could just get POA and take control of my affairs without my permission. I had POA of my parents finance etc but it was their idea and put into place before there were any obvious problems (my mother did develop dementia later). I don't think the OP would be able to demand it on such flimsy evidence.

Why does the OP have to spend her own money? What happens to her mother's pension if she has no bank account of her own? Has it been satisfactorily explained why she doesn't have one?

No one can get a POA put in place on behalf of someone else. You have to set it up yourself, which is why it is important to get it done before you lose capacity.

And if you have set one up, it cannot be used until you are officially deemed to have lost capacity. It isn’t legal to ‘just start using it’.

Though some people do give access to bank accounts to do payments etc, but that’s different. I have set up POA for my Dc, but they currently have no access to any of my finance, health etc etc, and won’t unless accident, age or illness cause me to lose capacity.

@CaptainMyCaptain POA is important for everyone, not just the elderly. I’m in my 30s and am putting it in place for myself. We should all have arrangements in place. It only kicks in if someone loses capacity and you never know when that could happen. If I had an accident or something I would want to know that trusted friends/family would be allowed to make important decisions.
You can’t demand POA and just take over someone’s life. The person giving POA has to have capacity to grant it at the time the agreement is made. Which is why it’s important to arrange these things before there are any issues.

⬆️ Was to @CaptainMyCaptain .
I used the quote button but it got eaten by one of the constant page refreshes.

@StageRage great minds! You have put it better that me

That was my point really. The OP is being urged to get POA but she can't just do it unless her mother wants it. If I were the OP's mother I wouldn't give it to her as she seems to want to control every aspect down to what boots she can buy. I still don't understand why the OP's mother hasn't got any of her own money. She will be getting a State Pension - what is happening to that?