Aging parent is being stubborn

[SummersBreeze]

My mother is nearly 70 and I think there might be something like dementia setting in with her. Her memory seems to be good. There's other behaviours going on. As stand alone incidents there were nothing but over a few months from last summer to this spring I started adding up little things and thinking maybe there's dementia setting in. Or maybe there's nothing or something else or just regular aging. I don't know. I am not qualified.

Then since April, there seems to be somewhat of a progression. Her memory is still holding up very well. Sometimes there's some confusion happening and on several occasions I found different items of my underwear in her laundry. She never washes my laundry so it's not that and it's not that they have been mixed up in laundry. I don't know if she's stealing them or if she's becoming confused when my laundry is drying on a clothes horse in the home.

Lately she's fierce stubborn and there has been episodes of anger to the degree of self combustion.

She has a sore back but she won't go to the doctor with it telling me the doctor will only giver her medicine or tablets and they are bad she says.
Her doctor identified high cholesterol a few months and and she came home to me to get me to search online for a diet for high cholesterol and then she refused to take any of it on board.
She's been eligible for the covid vaccine/booster for weeks now but she won't get it. She says she doesn't want to get it until her sore back clears up. She didn't have any hesitation on the other covid vaccines but this booster she won't take.
All my siblings live abroad. If they were home I would have some help to march her to the doctor for the covid vaccine at least.
Any idea as to what I could do to get her to the doctor?

Or should I be emailing her doctor with a list of my observations over the past year and explain that I don't have her knowledge or permission to write to them but I am concerned and maybe they might call her in for a chat. I attend the same practice so I am not a stranger there at the practice?

The many typos in the above demonstrate my point about failing competence and age rather well!

My mother never does my laundry and so it's impossible for my bras to get mixed up in hers. The only thing that I am figure out is that my bras were drying on a peg rack and she thought they were here or shes going into my room to steal. We shop in different shops. She's more Primark and my good bras are from M&S so they look nothing alike. Also we are different sizes too. I don't know what her size is but I have a bigger band. The fact is she was washing them as well as if they were hers so I presume she must be wearing them too. This was definitely by far the most unsettling of my observations and I think it strengthens my suspicions.

She seems to be paranoid too and she locks her room every time she leaves the house as if someone is going to break into the house the very minute she leaves. There was a day I caught her busy in the kitchen and I knew she wasn't going to get up within 5 minutes and I dipped into her room for a quick glance. Up on top of hangers were a selection of my bras, some of my knickers, some cloth pads (that were mine - I use reusable pads now), some of my hair curlers - there was a selection of things. I only had a quick glance. Stealing my underwear and pads???

Have you asked her about it OP? It would be interesting to hear what her reasoning is.

About my belongings including my underwear being stolen?
No I haven't asked her. What's the point in asking her?

I think it does strengthen my suspicion that there's something like dementia brewing.

Why are you so on insistent that she is 'stealing' your underwear rather than as you say, its been drying somewhere, she's pulled them off and put them by mistake into whatever she had

And the boots thing is odd too, why on earth wont you order the boots she wants, who cares if you dont think she will wear them. Doesnt she get a choice now?

She might be getting more cranky or irritable yes, but doesnt seem from what you've said to lack capacity, perhaps you are also being more irritable and annoyed and you're getting it back?

I think that we aren’t considering the impact of the pandemic on older peoples mental health. It sounds as though lock down has had a negative impact on your mother and she is depressed.

Her having 1 or 2 of my bras would have been understandable and can be taken as a mix up but she had 4 of my bras, my knickers, cloth pads, hair curlers. One or two items is understandable but a selection of my belongings is not.

She has a room full of clothes and shoes and she already has new ankle boots that she won't wear. I wasn't going to spend more of my money on knee high heeled boots for her and to be honest, where was she going to be wearing them to?

Before lockdown, her life was quite. It was a once in a week to town on the bus trip, a daily walk. Her life before lockdown wasn't filled with a lot of social activities. Life was nearly the same for her during the lockdown. The once a week bus trip was out of the question for a while because of lockdown but she filled her days in with walking and cleaning. The pandemic shouldn't have hit too much with her.

Did you not get the answers you wanted on the last thread you started about this, OP?

I don't know the answer to any of your questions but please stop using the word stealing about your own mother - taking is more like it and I don't see why you can't talk to her about it.

I am thinking what's the point in waiting around for the possibility of a progression and a memory loss to set in.
This is quite a disturbing thing for you to say - what do you see as the alternative? Lock her away somewhere? Drug her up to the eyeballs because she wanted to buy a pair of boots? It sounds as though living together is getting you down.

She wasn't denying the covid booster the last time nor was she neglecting pain but she is now. So I am more concerned about her now. Even if there's nothing there behind in the background she has pain and she won't help herself with it. Also she took the other covid jabs easily but now she won't even though it's supposed to limit the seriousness of covid if she gets it.

I'm a few years older than you but I'd be the same.

Summer - maybe your Mum feels as though you are watching her ! looking out for weak spots ie you did look in her room .I wouldn't put too much store in the laundry mix up - but it seems a bit harsh to say she is stealing from you .Gransnet is full of feisty women who wouldn't think twice about buying something they fancied or used to wear re your Mum and her boots .My Mum was never ever violent ,nor is my mother-in-law . She may be feeling the hump if she thinks you are starting to undermine her ,ie not letting her make her own choices .I have 2 50 year old friends who don't know and don't care to know ,how to use the internet . She may feel resentful that she has to go through you to get the things she wants , especially if you have an opinion on her choices .
If my G/P can put the milk on the table and her keys in the fridge it just proves we all make errors of judgement !

This is your mum. Why don't you just ask her if she has seen your missing bras? Perhaps she's locking her room to keep you out. If I thought someone was rooting through my cupboards I'd lock my room too. And I'm genuinely puzzled why she shouldn't order heeled boots.

The vaccine thing is her choice not yours. Maybe she just doesn't want it.

Like pps, I think you need some space from each other.

No. She's still very independent and I am encouraging her to go walking every day and other activities.

My point with that was, what's the point in delaying a medical investigation? Surely ruling a diagnosis in or out is crucial at this point? Get it done early.

Noone is talking about locking the woman up but you.

I dipped into her room for a few seconds to see if there was anything else she has from me after discovering my bras drying amongst her laundry. I never had any desire to ever root around before.

You sound extremely controlling! What gives you the right to decide what she can or can’t buy? That’s not dementia - but she’s probably well and truly pissed off at all your judgemental interfering.
maybe it’s time to get your own place?

To be honest, you sound rather critical and disrespectful of your Mum! Unless she is clearly incapable, which she doesn't appear to be, you shouldn't be interfering with her decision-making. It certainly shouldn't be a matter of 'allowing' or 'not allowing' her to do things. Stop treating her like a baby and show some respect!

Why wouldn’t you ask her? Her answers or lack of them may give you a clearer idea of what’s happening.

I'd be angry if my adult dd was still living at home, especially if she was telling me what I could spend my own money on. As for the vaccine - that's not your decision.

My mother doesn't have a bank account. She was spending my money. She usually does pay me back but minius the delivery charge and if something is not suitable the returns are usually on me. I stopped at knee high boots because not only do you have to size a foot you have to size a calf too. I wasn't going there. Besides where on earth was she going to wear them to? Just look at them in her room from one end of the year to the next? In fact she had an opportunity to get dressed up last year but she avoided it. She's not deficient in shoes or fancy shoes for that matter either.

Glad to read many people here thinks I'm wrong to be concerned and it's fully acceptable for my own mother to steal bras, knickers and reusable pads.

Why on earth are you still living with your mother? How does she manage without a bank account?

no one’s said you’re wrong for having concerns. But you need to discuss your concerns with her. You’re talking about her as if she’s a naughty child rather than a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. If you are concerned about her health then talk to her about it.

My mother doesn't have a bank account. She was spending my money

Quite the drip feed there.

Op, do you live with your mother? Is there a reason why you live with your mother - is it because you need some additional support for example?
From what you've said, at your mother's age and with no current diagnosis, I would say you are over-stepping here. You don't need to 'march' an adult anywhere. If someone needs IT support for an online purchase, it is not your role to monitor or comment on their purchases. Why do you think your mother is 'stealing' your underwear rather than, perhaps, her eyesight is a bit poor?