Talk to me about your experiences of adult ADHD as a woman please!

[fuckwhatshouldido]

Was reading a totally different thread and a lot of people are mentioning their ADHD and how it presents in women and it’s resonating so hard. I’ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me, I don’t seem to be wired completely normally…it’s got better as I’ve got older and had children and have had to evolve a lot of coping strategies. But I wonder if I’m just looking for reasons to justify my bad traits. I’ve always been intelligent and could generally pull it out of the bag academically when I needed to (always left to the last minute, I need the pressure of a deadline behind me before I can function) so I think maybe that allowed me to go unnoticed as my grades at school were always good (although every single school report said ‘she’d do better if she would just concentrate a bit more’). I don’t want a diagnosis or anything, but I’m just curious about others’ experiences. If you have ADHD and especially if you only realised in adulthood, how did you know? How does it affect you?

Also the thing someone said about not missing friends/family etc even though you care about them - is that an ADHD thing?! I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve walked away from in my life without a backwards glance, even people I liked. I’ve held on to very few friends in my life (and ALL the ones I’ve kept are people who don’t mind going months without hearing from me). Ive actually spent huge swathes of my life being secretly worried that I’m a psychopath, even though I’m very empathetic and I really like people, because I don’t seem to care about or miss or need people in the same way others do.

Christ, yes I am like this too. I never really considered it could be related. Like everything else in my life, I set reminders to keep in touch with people, otherwise I can go months or years without even thinking about them.

My family is the same - every so often I'll call my mum, sister or brother and they are a bit bemused as to why I'm bothering. They never call me (and I don't mind at all). Birthdays I'm lucky to get a text from them, but it's fine.

My husband's family has calls or FaceTime chats with him quite often, and I can't understand it - they have nothing to talk about but these calls go on for ages.

This thread is so weird, I could have written almost every post.

I found a podcast called " the drummer and the great mountain " very helpful. They explain hunter types vs farmer types ie huge bursts of energy and focus whilst hunting then hours of doing nothing. It's an enlightening theory. On their recommendation I gave up all carbs 5 weeks ago and started a daily exercise video. It took weeks to prepare myself for this big project but now I'm into it I see a huge difference. I can do the simple tasks on automatic without having to think it over and procrastinate. My mind is a bit more streamlined and i feel like my body is responding to my mental energy rather than getting stuck in the task paralysis. I also use aromatherapy energising rollerball every morning to get me going and help me concentrate. I definitely recommend trying a low carb diet to help cope with adhd. Bonus is I've lost 9 pounds too and stopped my overeating and endless grazing

Re: oversharing - I find it so hard to go out to socialize as I always have major regeret the next day (and no, alcohol is not to blame!) that I have overshared, been inappropriately chummy with people I dont really know or ignored people I am friends with! I find it quite hard to just interact without massively overthinking it!

Wow wow wow at this thread.

I am female in 40's and convinced over last few weeks I have ADHD. Thinking over my past, if I did get diagnosed so much would make sense.

I struggle with noise to the point I can't even go to the theatre as my brain tunes into everything, someone moving in their seat, whispering, lights, how the building is made... It's all too much.

I have hardly watched a film as I can't focus on it, my mind had 20 subjects on the go.

My working memory is shocking. I can't do a maths sum in my head as my brain can't retain all information.

I remember trying to book an appointment and was told she works 12-4 Monday, Tuesday morning, Thursday pm and every other Friday and then mind goes blank and can't think how that fits when I look at my diary.

When I leave the house I have to physically say out loud... Door locked, window closed, fridge closed, kettle off... To help with working memory.

Years ago I worked in an office and everytime someone interrupted me to ask a daft question it would send my brain into a rage and by time my brain had tuned back into what I was doing I'd be interrupted again.

My tolerance levels go from 0 to 10 in a split second. Once when trying to buy items in a shop the shop assistant was being unhelpful with my voucher, I just snapped, got everything out the carrier bag and threw it across the counter.

I am also self employed and I can't work full time hours. I can only cope with my own way of doing things. I get overwhelmed and have to take regular breaks.

I could be in the middle of typing an email and half way through would just randomly get up and walk about for no reason.

I was at the park the other day and another mum came over and didn't stop talking to me, my brain was so overwhelmed I had to leave the park to get away. It took my brain hours to get over the trauma.

I will mask and as soon as I am back in the car I will scream and shout to release the pressure.

I don't really have friends and to go out socialising is just too much. I travel around by myself and I like my own company.

My brain stores info in a thousand different filing cabinets and when it comes to a topic, it feels like it needs time to locate info from all cabinets and try and piece together like a puzzle before I can talk.

I find talking exhausting and listening to rambling conversations I can't follow unless the person is talking with structure.

Does this all sound like ADHD? I was diagnosed with depression years ago, but think it was a wrong diagnosis.

How can I get an official diagnosis please?

I also do the thing where I don’t really think about people unless they contact me or I can physically see them. I’m happy to go months/years without any contact. I think it’s related to something called ‘object permanence’ from what I’ve read, as in ‘out of sight, out of mind’.

P.S. oh my goodness about the example if you have an afternoon appointment you can't get anything done before then, I'm the same!!! I never knew that was an ADHD trait.

Also I talk out loud at how awful a service was as I walk out the door.

Thank you!!! Been listening all morning and it's great!!! Thanks so much for sharing!!!

DD1 got her official ADHD diagnosis this week. She asked for it as she always felt 'different'. It has reassured her although we do not yet know what help she will be offered to manage her day to day living. She is 40, married with two small boys.

DD2 and I had often been irritated by certain of DD1's actions in the past so we had a long 3 way text talk and for the first time she was able to explain her reasons for the actions we misunderstood.

Getting a diagnosis has been a relief for the whole family TBH. Please get help OP. You may not realise it but your neurodiverse personality and 'normal' actions that mean you feel you can control your ADHD may be upsetting other people who do not know the reason for your behaviour. Also it is exhausting to cover up these feelings, my daughter tells me. Good luck.

@HoneyFlowers that sounds more like it might be autism, although someone did say earlier in this thread that it can go hand in hand with ADHD so maybe worth looking into both 💐

HoneyFlowers DD2 was able to get her diagnosis through her company but she was planning to talk to her GP otherwise. Good luck!

@Pepsipepsi you've described me 🤔 I have children with ADHD and with autism. I never considered that I may be ND until fairly recently (I'm 46) But, my god my life makes sense when I put an ADHD dx in there with autistic traits.

@HoneyFlowers I also struggle with most of those things on your list too. I absolutely hate being interrupted and get really angry. I think it’s partly because I know how hard I find it getting started on the first place. Not so good when you WFH and have a child interrupting you constantly 🙈

I love being at home by myself and am very content in my own company.

www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/

This online test was on the other thread - I got 66/72 (over 54 is a sign post to seek a diagnosis)

In my childhood lots of the boys in my family (brothers, cousins, uncles) had huge issues with impulsivity etc - clearly undiagnosed ADHD (this was the 70’s) - many have struggled with work / focus and other issues have developed - depression, substance misuse, failed relationships etc.

But I think it presents differently in girls and we often mask better. But menopause has been horrific with brain fog and exhaustion - I feel burnt out and it’s so bad I am worried it dementia. The chaos is getting worse and worse.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4558743-late-diagnosis-of-addadhd-did-it-change-thingshelp

This is one of the recent threads referred to.

Thanks so much OP for starting this thread and for all the helpful resources from PPs.

Since reading this thread my brain has gone into overdrive, I literally can't stop thinking about it, researching it and talking about it to my husband (who is growing very tired of all of my random revelations and lightbulb moments). I've got to the point where my brain will literally not shut off and it is making me feel a bit sick - thinking this is some evidence in itself that I should definitely get the assessment ball rolling. I almost feel like I won't be able to move forward with my life now until I'm diagnosed. Although, I'm sure I just need a bit of time to process it and things will hopefully settle. My mind feels blown!

Hi OP. I just wanted to say thank you. This thread finally gave me the push I needed to start the long journey to a diagnosis. I spoke with my GP yesterday and during the call I finally opened up about everything I spoke about in my earlier post. She asked me some preliminary questions and agreed that I probably do have ADHD and sent me a form to fill in to get the ball rolling. Honestly just that in itself is like a huge weight has been lifted so once again thank you. ❤️

@ShesAPeachSconeBob well done! Takes a lot of courage to take that step. I have been putting it off after assuming they would dismiss the situation - but this has given me hope. I hope this is the start of gaining the right support to suit you X

@BlibBlabBlob your post resonated - I've got 2 dds with asd, I also have a wardrobe full of virtually identical outfits in blue! Nary a blue dress with spots ever gets by me!

I've been wondering why I like new, but the same things. I'd put it down to a need to look well, a fear of criticism. Dyspraxia genes too so mucky and torn clothes a constant problem.

Will read rest of thread with interest. Can't see the point of an adult dx for dh or I of anything, but do wonder why the medication is so hard to get hold of, surely if you take it and it doesn't help you stop taking it?

Make an appointment and have a list of things you are struggling with ready. It was really helpful and my GP could see that I was being serious about it. Would it help if I pm you with a screenshot of the form she sent over? I ticked every single box.

That was to GoodnightRain

@greywinds I spent years trying to be someone else - whoever seemed to be doing life 'better' than me at any given time - and I think a lot of my previous wardrobe and appearance choices were about that. Buying new things because I liked buying new things, of course, but also buying new things because I was actively trying to look like somebody I knew who appeared to be Getting Life Right. So I understand the idea of needing to look 'well' and fearing criticism or lack of acceptance.

I still take pride in my appearance in the sense that I am always washed with clean clothes. But that's it now; after years of self-discovery it turns out the real me doesn't care what her hair looks like (as long as it's clean and long enough to stim with) and doesn't care about make up (so doesn't wear or even own any now) and likes comfortable clothes in colours and prints that make her smile. :-)

I once thought that adult diagnosis would be pointless for me, but eventually changed my mind and decided I wanted to pursue assessment. It was scary (what if they said I WASN'T autistic?!) but very positive overall in terms of the experience itself and in terms of the outcome. I totally accept self-diagnosis and it's well-accepted in the adult female autistic community too. But I feel happy about it being 'official' and that means I could potentially ask for workplace accommodations if necessary. It also helps me to advocate for my DD; no neurotypical person dares to try and tell me that they know best anymore. Autistic mother of autistic daughter - I can't claim to be an autism specialist of course, but I am certainly the expert when it comes to DD's autism and support needs. Because I am her 24/7 specialist support worker, as well as her mum of course, and I've had over a decade of experiencing in working out and meeting her needs.

I'm on the fence about going for ADHD or ADD assessment; for now the autism diagnosis is enough for me but I can see that I might change my mind one day. Main reason for not pursuing it now is that I'm not currently interested in trialling medication; I prefer to rely on coping strategies, systems and techniques instead.

I think getting ADHD meds without a diagnosis is so difficult because it's so complex; there isn't one single dosage that works for everyone so it takes time to figure that out and needs specialist monitoring.

@ShesAPeachSconeBob thank you - that would be really helpful! I appreciate it.

Oh goodness @BlibBlabBlob hell yes to the parent castigation - I've got 2 dds with asd, where do they think they came from ?!?

This is exactly what I seek to avoid for my dds, not having a strong core sense of who they are ans what their fixed personality is - I realise that I fantasise through clothing too and so does my DM and DGM to an unusual degree. The LRB had an article about the theatre/costume of clothing and many women do it to some extent but my wardrobe is extensive and for someone that wfh in IT where most of us don't put our cameras on (and has done so since 2005) i realise i'm dressing for a life I don't have.

But at the stage, I'm old enough to realise that if the fantasy makes me happy, that's ok too. But not that I've spent sooo much on clothes, make up. I hate my hair, that's the thing I bizarrely almost never style my hair.

I pick up and put down obsessions too - there is always one but it changes or does back for a while. Both of my dds are similar, deeply obsessed for a while by a constant stream of things.

Hi GoodnightRain I will post the screenshots here as it won't send as a PM. There isn't anything personal so I don't mind. Plus others on this thread might find them useful. Hope that's OK? If not let me know and I will ask for the post to be deleted.