Talk to me about your experiences of adult ADHD as a woman please!

[fuckwhatshouldido]

Was reading a totally different thread and a lot of people are mentioning their ADHD and how it presents in women and it’s resonating so hard. I’ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me, I don’t seem to be wired completely normally…it’s got better as I’ve got older and had children and have had to evolve a lot of coping strategies. But I wonder if I’m just looking for reasons to justify my bad traits. I’ve always been intelligent and could generally pull it out of the bag academically when I needed to (always left to the last minute, I need the pressure of a deadline behind me before I can function) so I think maybe that allowed me to go unnoticed as my grades at school were always good (although every single school report said ‘she’d do better if she would just concentrate a bit more’). I don’t want a diagnosis or anything, but I’m just curious about others’ experiences. If you have ADHD and especially if you only realised in adulthood, how did you know? How does it affect you?

@GoodnightRain I was lucky enough to be able to afford to go privately. I had to fill in a couple of questionnaires asking about symptoms, with input from family, and then speak to a psychiatrist (via video call).

Once diagnosed I started meds privately until I found the right type of medication/dose.

After meds were sorted, my psychiatrist then wrote to my GP and asked for ‘Shared Care’.

My GP accepted this, meaning they now issue my prescription each month on the NHS (i.e. much cheaper). However, the dosage/ type of medication can only be reviewed or changed by the psychiatrist.

If going privately isn’t an option you can seek a diagnosis via the NHS. The first step is to speak to your GP who can then refer you to your local ADHD service. I believe there’s also something called ‘Right to Choose’ on the NHS whereby you can ask to be referred to a different provider than your local ADHD service. I’m not v knowledgeable on this route though sorry!

@iCouldSleepForAYear From reading other peoples experiences, it does seem that being treated for anxiety and depression is really common until they realise it’s ADHD.

I took Fluoxetine in my 20s which helped a bit but I later stopped after I started taking hormonal contraception - as I’d noticed my low moods were happening once a month. The link to ADHD and oestrogen makes more sense of this looking back now.

BapsOfPlenty

Absolutely you describe the condition so well. I have inattentive ADD and diagnosed in early 40s. I decided no to meds at the time as was too 'busy' to deal with finding the right ones to suit and life just got me distracted as always! May I ask do meds really help you? If so do you mind saying what helps?

You can ask GP for referral. You might need tablets. In the meantime you can read tonnes about coping strategies and suggestions for things to do to help you.

Most of the things that Baps of Plenty lists, there are suggestions of things that might help.

Some of the main ways ADHD affects me:

Task paralysis. Let's say I need to take a shower, I'll usually just sit on my bed for half an hour (sometimes longer) trying to will myself to get up and take a shower. It honestly is like I'm paralysed. However hard I try to force myself to do daily things like that, it sometimes feels impossible, like I'm being weighed down.

Zoning out/daydreaming. It's incredibly hard for me to pay attention to things. I'm always having to rewind movies or podcasts to catch the bit I just missed 'cos I zoned out.

Addiction. I have a highly addictive personality and have struggled with substance abuse issues.

Hyperfixations. It's impossible for me to like anything a moderate amount. I'm either disinterested or completely obsessed, there's no in between. I've had so many random hobbies throughout my life. Some stick, some don't.

Sensory issues. For me it's mainly sound. I'm very sensitive to sound and experience sensory overload when in busy, loud places.

Stimming. I'm a very fidgety and restless person. Ever since I was a toddler I've had this habit of rocking back and forth or swaying side to side. I'm always shifting about in my seat or bouncing my leg. It is actually impossible for me to be completely still.

I really struggled in school. I used to believe I was stupid because of my difficulties concentrating, and I acted out a lot so I was just labelled a naughty kid. I've struggled to maintain longterm employment. I'm currently doing an access course and going to uni this year, and surprisingly I'm doing well on my course. It helps tremendously that I'm studying something I'm really interested in and passionate about.

This is me to a T. How did you get a diagnosis?

@BapsOfPlenty thanks so much for replying. I will speak to the doctors next week and go from there. Honestly, this information is potentially life changing. Always felt like I was wired differently and just could not understand why I can't seem to just cope with every day tasks that come like second nature to those around me. I think I definitely had a stereotypical idea about what ADHD/ADD is in my head so have never even considered it before now. Thank you X

Going to get some books in the meantime, does anyone have any recommendations?

Sorry I can see you answered this already 🙈

I'm in the same boat too. The more I read about ADHD the more sure I am that it fits. I've been down many roads trying to figure out what's 'wrong' with me from depression to CPTSD or BPD.
Nothing fits quite like this.

I did ok at school until A levels. Looking back I used to cram the nights before tests and do homework at 3am the night it was due. That stopped working after GCSEs.
I was and am shocking at organisation.
My house is constantly a tip and constantly in need of cleaning - yet I have no motivation to do it.
I really struggle in social situations. I can cope well 1-1 with someone or in small groups if I know everyone. But going into a group situation gives me incredible anxiety.
I didn't go to university because of fear of presentations and having to graduate in front of people 🤦🏻‍♀️
I haven't been able to maintain any employment long term ( 3 year max) and am now self employed because I feel it's the only way I can cope.

I can't afford to pursue a diagnosis privately. But am thinking of talking to my GP.

Reading this tread has been such an eye opener. Everything that has been described is like someone has been living my life with me.
I can't function at all.
I am unable to work, so is there any point in me pursuing a diagnosis? I was also under a mental health team for years, so think surely they would have picked up ADHD in me? I don't know!
Even trying to book a GP appointment seems like a gargantuan task that I just can't get myself to do.

@beaconofsanity I think a lot of people only realise they might be neurodivergent when their child is diagnosed! It’s definitely been the case for a few friends of mine. We’re the other way around, in that I only thought about it for my DD once I had my diagnosis. She’s dyslexic so I’d attributed all her struggles to that but now thinking she may also have ADHD on top.

I’m actually looking into potentially starting HRT along my ADHD medication, as there have been times recently when the meds don’t work (or at least not as a well). So wondering if this is the missing piece of the puzzle. There are a few overlaps between menopausal and ADHD symptoms though so hard to work out what’s causing what.

@Bunsandtophats For me absolutely yes, but it’s so individual.

I totally understand why some people don’t want to take them and why they’d hesitate about their kids taking them.

I wouldn’t be without mine as in all honesty I’m not sure I’d have been able to keep my job without them.

However if my DD is diagnosed I’m not sure if I’d want her to take them now, at least not until she’s a bit older.

I take a methylphenidate based drug which is the most commonly prescribed type (I think).

It makes me feel a lot more awake physically and mentally and much more motivated to do things. My brain feels clearer, calmer and less fuzzy. Previously I really struggled to do a whole range of tasks from cleaning to work related stuff.

One of the best descriptions I’ve seen is that meds are like ‘glasses for your brain’.

I fidget less too. I have managed to grow my nails for the first time ever after thinking I’d be a lifelong nail biter!

There’s a good podcast called The ADHD Woman’s Wellbeing Podcast.

I don’t talk about having a diagnosis often; never at work.
I was diagnosed at 20 and went into denial in case it affected my career.

How it affects me…
-over sharing, see above. How much of that did the world need to know?
-interrupting people and poor turn taking skills in conversation- people think I’m rude
-hyper fixation. I’m all in or totally out.
-obsessive tendencies; I get into something and obsess until the very moment I’m not interested, then it’s dead to me.
-obsessive behaviours. I hair pull,
-time keeping. I can’t estimate how long something will take and get over absorbed in it. I’m either really late or really early for stuff.
-procrastinate dreadfully if I think what needs to be done is boring.
-admin, I’m crap at keeping life stuff up to date, I have a diary and calendar that I have to physically write down stuff - if I do it on my phone I ignore it. My Guide parents think I’m super organised; I’m not I just thrive in the chaos of last minute.

Theres loads more, my poor impulse control caused lots of issues as a youngster!

As an almost 40 year old; I mask it well and have decent coping strategies but am wondering if it’s time to consider medication again.

@BapsOfPlenty this also describes me, I used to be fine, I mean always leave everything until last minute and procrastinate, but general get on ok in life, people just think I'm socially inept...but since I've had dc (which was years ago now)...all gone to pot, I think because there are more balls to juggle...thought it might be peri-meno and it could be...but I do have a sibling with ADHD...I just have not wanted to see if I have it because the sibling uses ADHD as a reason for everything and I don't want to be that person.

Thank you BapsOfPlenty,

some days are better than others but my brain feels congested like a busy junction with no order of traffic.

I do envy those whose mum's can organise so easily, and more likely enjoy it! though I have learned strategies along the way I mostly wing it lol!
My poor kids have to put up with my terrible memory and spontaneous silliness but at least (I hope!)They know they are loved and I'm trying my best. My DH is the complete opposite in that he can organise pretty much most things ...though spontaneous he is not 😊

@yellowsmileyface Task paralysis is so hard to explain to people if they’ve not experienced it isn’t it? It’s not that you don’t want to do the thing, it’s just that your brain literally won’t let you

So glad to hear you’ve found a course you enjoy. Studying / working in an area you love is definitely the way forward. I think our ADHD brains can really excel if it’s in area that ignites our interest.

Have you been on Tik Tok OP?
It seems there are loads of adult women on there taking about their ADHD diagnosis. Almost every single thing they & the people on this thread talk about sounds like a description of me. Things I think are normal.

I can't imagine seeking a diagnosis- what would the benefit be? I'm very confused by all this and also a bit meh.

Would I start to complete things at 54?

Since I've been working from home the morning task paralysis thing is very evident.

I think about everything I have to do & it's overwhelming- every morning:
Get up
Loo
Brush teeth
Wash face
Get dressed
Make bed.

Once I'm up & going things improve. It's ridiculous

I think a lot of people with ADHD end up self employed and make great entrepreneurs!

I definitely much prefer WFH but also have a few colleagues with ADHD who love working in an office too. So it’s just finding the right fit I guess. It seems that workplaces are starting to become a bit more ND aware too. I’d hope that eventually no-one will have to hide who they are at work (or anywhere else) and instead having a mix of people who are NT and ND will be seen as a positive thing.

@Dobbysgotthesocks Totally with you on the presentations! I’m trying to practice getting better at them at the moment, but have avoided going for promotions in the past in case it means I have to talk and present in meetings 🙈

A lot of this is ringing bells for me too. I stayed in university for as long as possible, only deciding to leave because I couldn't deal with making presentations. I then went self employed because I couldn't imagine fitting in at any work place.

I'm now mumsnetting from my bed, when I really should be working, because I know I need to shower, but don't seem to be able to get myself in it.

Someone posted a graphic on the other thread about how someone with ADHD tells a story, and it was me to a T!

Someone came to see me at home the other day and laughed at my desk, they said it was classic ADHD. I have a page a day diary with everything written in it, with post it notes all over it, plus 3 notebooks open, all with scribblings in, plus my keyboard rests on a huge desk notepad.

I've always felt like I didn't fit in, but I'm really good at covering it up these days.

Oh, and the over sharing with complete strangers... yep, that's me! Although, I now quite like this trait, it cuts through the crap at the start of a friendship and has allowed me to make good friends with, normally, other over sharers!

I think I have ADHD as someone said upthread I only realised when my youngest was diagnosed with autism and possible ADHD. I have joined a few groups on IG and relate to 99% of stuff such as
Compulsive spending.

Abandoned hobbies/projects.

Inability to keep close friends. I'm 43 and don't have a single friend.

Not missing (but still caring for) family members I rarely see. It's something to do with object permanence?!

Appointment/meeting freeze up (say if I have something planned or scheduled for 4pm I am unable to do anything else until then.) I've always done my best to arrange things to occur as early as possible.

Unable to muster up enthusiasm for any cleaning or organising. My house looks very messy and I feel so ashamed.

I get so overwhelmed by noise and feel the urge to run and hide a lot.

I hate phone calls and have my phone permanently on silent.

I thought it was normal to have my thoughts and mind constantly racing.

I was bullied at school and still feel sad about it as I left without any GCSE's and any attempts at bettering myself with further education, courses, learning to drive come to nothing.

I always need praise and reassuring that I'm doing the right thing.

I overshare massively. Usually when I'm trying to empathise or relate to someone. Which brings me to always looking like I'm trying to one up someone by sharing my similar experiences.

There's lots more but I'm worried that no one will acknowledge my posts which is absolutely ridiculous. I hate my brain. I once saw a post on IG where this girl (it was how she realised that she had ADHD) said that her and her friends took some Adderall pills at a rave. Her friends had a whale of a time whereas she for the first time ever sat under a tree and sorted her journal and planner out and did a bit of life admin she had been putting off.
If only. 🙃

I never knew I had it until my kids was diagnosed. I spent my whole life feeling left out and not fitting in anywhere?.
I am rubbish at time keeping. For example if I have to leave the house at 12 previously I'd start getting ready at 11.30 and leave at 12.45.
That's taken years to fix.

I also have hyper moments mainly in the evening which really tires me out as I can complete about 20 tasks in 20 minutes, then crash for hours.

BUT since I've found out this is what I have I feel for the first time in my life, in control.
I feel like ME, I feel happy that I know why I am like this. I also feel very happy for the way that I raise my kids knowing I am catering to their needs the best I can because my own was ignored growing up.
I would be interested in trying medication but on the other hand it's been this long and I'm ok.