Talk to me about your experiences of adult ADHD as a woman please!

[fuckwhatshouldido]

Was reading a totally different thread and a lot of people are mentioning their ADHD and how it presents in women and it’s resonating so hard. I’ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me, I don’t seem to be wired completely normally…it’s got better as I’ve got older and had children and have had to evolve a lot of coping strategies. But I wonder if I’m just looking for reasons to justify my bad traits. I’ve always been intelligent and could generally pull it out of the bag academically when I needed to (always left to the last minute, I need the pressure of a deadline behind me before I can function) so I think maybe that allowed me to go unnoticed as my grades at school were always good (although every single school report said ‘she’d do better if she would just concentrate a bit more’). I don’t want a diagnosis or anything, but I’m just curious about others’ experiences. If you have ADHD and especially if you only realised in adulthood, how did you know? How does it affect you?

Oh I also lose everything! I'm forever wondering where my phone is.
My husband will give me something and then ask me where I've put it and I genuinely can't remember where I've put it, even though he's just given it to me!.

Don't ask me for a lighter because if you let me borrow it I'll lose it and I never have one.

I also forget everything for example here is my alarms Ive recently set to remind me of something.
My kids have the same days for P.E every week yet I can't tell you what day that is unless I go and check the fridge!.

For those that have been diagnosed -

do you need someone from your childhood to contribute? Both my parents have dementia and I don’t have anyone else .
will this prevent a diagnosis ?

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago and I do absolutely everything that @BapsOfPlenty describes. I love reading posts like that, so thank you. It's easy to feel as if you are the only person operating at a different frequency to everyone else. I take medication but I feel like it only just touches the sides really. It was such a pain in the arse to get it in the first place, though, that I haven't wanted to rock the boat.

See this worries me.I don't think she would give an accurate answer to these questions.
My mum used me as an unpaid housemaid/babysitter/cook. I used to protect my siblings from the violent fights her and my step-dad regularly had. They were both heavy handed and i would sometimes go to school with bruises. I don't ever recall her reading me a bedtime story or attending special events. That was stuff i did for my siblings. When I mentioned to her that she may be asked to speak to.someone if I pursue this she made it very clear that she thought I was being strange.

Wow, I relate to so much of this too. Thank you for sharing. It is an absolute revelation - seems a bit silly now but I thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this. I also literally cannot function until an appointment has taken place. Always have my phone on silent too, emails make me so anxious - I hate having to reply and get so anxious for a response.

I can't believe what I've been experiencing my whole life has a name and that there are other people who feel the same way too. I don't know how I've made it to my early 30s feeling predominantly alone in this. I just thought I was a failure at life, it is a huge relief to know there is no potentially a reason why I struggle.

This is exactly me. To the dot.
How do I get help?
I can come across fairly well so my GP might not take me seriously. Menopause and HRT (always lower levels that pre menopause) has made it all so much worse.

So much of this thread is familiar to me and I had no idea that a lot of my behaviour could be classified as adhd as I am not particulary fidgety - in fact, I spend a lot of time sitting still, unable to start anything but with my mind racing!

Same. I was always made to feel lazy when I know I'm not. I would love to be motivated. I don't know how though.

I'm happy to see this thread that's for sure. Sounds like we can support each other.

Sorry that was for Goodnight Rain. I thought I quoted my reply to you.

@ShesAPeachSconeBob

Oh god ‘waiting mode’ is such a pain. I hate afternoon appointments for this exact reason. My day is effectively ruined! Happy to offer a virtual friendship, as you sound great, honestly. I think it’s just finding those people who accept you as you are.

There are worse things than a messy house. The only time I tidy is if someone is coming over then it’s a chaotic last minute scramble 😆 I’ve accepted that’s just how it’ll always be!

My life is also a series of phone alarms going off so I remember what I’m meant to be doing when. Sometimes I think I’ll be okay without them, until I realise I’ve forgotten something vital. I’m nothing if not optimistic 🙈

Remembering a few more things. I'm very obsessive.

For example with food if I eat something I like I'll only want that for dinner for a good 2-3 weeks then one day I'll eat it and never eat it or want it again.

People - if I like someone I'll feel quite obsessive over them can also happen with people in films or musicians.

Hobbies tasks- I'll start up something really enjoy it, do really well then slowly stop caring about it and let that go.

Money- I'm great at paying bills but for years I wouldn't pay them, was bad with credit etc.
I'm very impulsive now so when I go food shopping I easily spend £300, then two weeks later I'll do it again but during these weeks I'll pop in and out of the supermarket spending £40 each visit!.

I'm constantly tired. My brain doesn't switch off it's exhausting. I have to have a nap most days for an hour otherwise I'm frazzled.

@decayingmatter my parents don’t know anything about my adult diagnoses, my partner filled in a questionnaire about my behaviour etc.

@tiredmumneedingahug I’d have a read through the diagnostic criteria and write everything down that applies to you and how it causes you issues. You could print it out and take it with you to the GP as if you’re anything like me you’ll forget what you want to say when you actually see them.

I get lots of ‘oh but you don’t look like / seem like you have ADHD’.
As I don’t think a lot of people know what it actually is or looks like in women particularly. Especially if you’re inattentive type only. I have a degree, job, house etc. That doesn’t mean I don’t have ADHD though!

I think there was a question about childhood evidence too? I didn’t have much except my own memories of daydreaming in class, being shy, not quite fitting in and leaving things to the last minute. My ADHD didn’t affect me as much in childhood due to other factors I think, but it’s massively affected my ability to adult.

This thread is like an oasis for me right now! I'm the same as many pp. leaving things to the last minute, thriving on chaos, unable to commit or plan things in advance, I'm more "spur of the moment- what shall we do today". Prioritisation of house work- I'll decide to mop the floors when we need to do the washing etc.
Interrupting people because I've guessed what they're going to say.
Boredom in the evening is a BIG one. I have to have a task to do or a new program that's really gripping.
Naps most days if I can, to reset.
Takes me ages to fall asleep.
Social events- it's taken me so long to realise I find them anxiety inducing, I would drink to get in the same zone as everyone else.
Also- coffee and nicotine- cannot shake either habit although have quit cigarettes for years.
Is it something to do with seeking stimulation?

My DD is about to get her diagnosis after 2.5 years.

I see a lot of me in her.

Thank you!
I too have a degree and keep house (badly), I daydreamed my childhood away.

I'm going to do what you've suggested.👍🏻

These responses are very familiar to me too, and I've realised over the past few months that I probably do have some sort of neurodiversity - ADHD or autism spectrum or something in that vein.

I'm pretty sure my mother is on the spectrum and our family shares a lot of the same traits in terms of a kind of sensory overload / meltdown in response to certain types of trigger.

I'm 40 now and have developed my own coping mechanisms for things that I didn't even realise could be ND rather than just my own quirks. I'm lucky to be in a position now where I've changed my lifestyle massively in a way that suits the way my brain works, so I don't feel the need to seek a formal diagnosis and medication.

It's made me think though, from an anthropological perspective, how much of this stuff is really common and are behaviours that a large proportion of the population has evolved due to some environmental need back when we were all nomadic. Now these days everyone is expected to live and work to the same patterns and for some of us it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

I struggled for years and years with 9-5 working hours and the office environment, because I'm a night owl and have difficulties with social interactions (which I've learned to mask extremely well, but they are a huge mental strain on me). Now that I work from home as a freelancer, with flexible hours, I am so much happier and more comfortable. I'm working on changing careers to something that works with my brain, rather than against it (work in progress though, don't know yet if it will come to fruition!).

I realise I'm hugely lucky in being able to make these changes, and I don't have children so I'm not having to deal with school schedules. It's really crap that modern society is so rigid in its structures, when clearly a huge number of people need it to be more flexible.

Along the lines of not being able to get started with anything if you have an appointment at 4…

If you are waiting for an important email or phone call that has been promised on a certain day, are you able to get started on your work before it arrives? Or do you spend the whole day waiting for the email, unable to work on anything?

I am absolutely convinced I also have ADHD. After having to fight for my son do be given a dyslexia diagnosis for 5 years, I don't see the point in pursuing one for myself.

It’s taken me a while to come back to this post but thank you to everyone who’s posted, especially @BapsOfPlenty for your super helpful and informative replies and @iCouldSleepForAYear for this:
when I get bored, it gets so bad that it's easily mistaken for depression. I call it being "bored in the soul" - I can’t even explain how much this hits home. I’ve had this over and over again throughout my life and the only thing that temporarily ‘cures’ it is major change - and then every time I think, I’m happy here, now I can stop and do the same thing forever like everyone else - and then within a couple of years it all starts again. I’ve always described it as feeing itchy in my own skin - like I’m trapped and I can’t settle and then I feel increasingly chaotic and become increasingly impulsive…til I effect some sort of change and then the whole cycle repeats.

So so so much of what people have said is so familiar - the procrastination, forgetfulness, horrible organisation, terrible time management, starting things and never finishing them. I’m good socially (used to be chronically shy and awkward but not now) but I also have no ‘small talk’ setting and will go straight to overshare, which I’d never considered a bad trait tbh.

Also whoever said about the wheels coming off at A level stage - exact same thing happened to me, I have no concept of ‘little and often’ academically, it’s all or nothing.

Interestingly I’m the opposite to the previous poster who said it’s got worse since they’ve had children - for me it’s been loads better, I think because there’s always so much to do and I’ve always functioned best if I’ve got more to do than I can handle (until I get totally overwhelmed and fall apart, the ennui/manic activity/burnout cycle that has also been a continual feature of my life).

I inexplicably feel a bit emotional reading all these posts! Maybe I’m not just shit at life after all 😅

I read a similar thread on here about a year ago. Like others on this thread, it was like I could have written that op.

I have really struggled for years and have been diagnosed at various points with depression and anxiety. Looking back I see a lot of my issues are mentioned in previous posts here.

I think I'm naturally quite bright so was "winging it" through most of school. Up until A-level was great but then I suddenly had to study and just couldn't - uni was hard due to deadlines and having to read the same page over and over again. I can't do anything now unless the deadline is so close - it's a running joke in my family that my house is always tidiest if I have something important on a deadline. I feel like I've been a huge underachiever.

Once at a counselling session I said I would love just a minute away from my thinking. I likened it to an electrical storm in my head where one thought would trigger another and then I'd Be down some sort of rabbit hole. I just wish my brain would shut up. I hate things like massages and long baths as I'm just sitting there constantly thinking.

I have a lot of fidgety behaviours too. My husband says I am totally time blind. Once I start something I'll keep going and lose all track of time. Or I put stuff off and off for so long, I feel like a dog digging it's paws in when it doesn't want to walk on a lead a certain way. Then when I do something and it takes ten minutes I feel so stupid for not having it done in the first place

Some upthread mentioned RSD and I have found this so liberating to read about. For years I've just been told I'm "too sensitive" or "too emotional" "too highly strung" but I find it so difficult to get over even the smallest negative comment.

I too am.an oversharer - someone I met once said really sarcastically "save something for the memoir, Sunnyside" which hurt me so much. I find myself willing myself not to speak over people in work, or interrupt to finish their sentence because the pace of the conversation is t fast enough for me.

I have found things have taken a massive Dip over the last year and previous strategies don't help as much - I'm concerned it's hormonal as I'm at an age where perimenopause could be in play.

I have had a few situations in work where I have had to recount events for legal reasons and I now find I'm so nervous in any meeting or conversations that I write every little thing down. I'm so worried that I'll cock things up because of my focus difficulty.

I know I've overshared here...

I burst into tears at my gp's last year and he diagnosed me again with depression. I feel too nervous to seek a diagnosis now. I often think I go to the Dr and am such a nusiance and I'm scared they'll just say I'm lazy.

@HotPink22 I can get some things done of urgent, but struggle to really settle into anything. And if it’s not urgent or fun it won’t happen. Instead I spend the whole day anxiously awaiting the call, appointment etc.

I have a party to go to this afternoon (not my favourite thing to do!) and have done precisely nothing so far today. As there doesn’t seem any point in starting anything 😬

It doesn't for me. Stimulants just mean that I get more choice in what I hyperfocus on.

Sorry, that was in reply to someone being concerned that meds might squash hyperfocus.

I totally do this! If I have anything coming up like that I can't focus at all, and then I have to fight an urge to cancel the appointment or phone call altogether, because somehow having that fixed in my diary makes me anxious.

If I have anything scheduled in the morning - appointment, flight, meeting - I am lucky if I sleep at all the night before, even if it's something perfectly routine. I fixate on having a scheduled thing in the diary.