Talk to me about your experiences of adult ADHD as a woman please!

[fuckwhatshouldido]

Was reading a totally different thread and a lot of people are mentioning their ADHD and how it presents in women and it’s resonating so hard. I’ve always wondered if there was something wrong with me, I don’t seem to be wired completely normally…it’s got better as I’ve got older and had children and have had to evolve a lot of coping strategies. But I wonder if I’m just looking for reasons to justify my bad traits. I’ve always been intelligent and could generally pull it out of the bag academically when I needed to (always left to the last minute, I need the pressure of a deadline behind me before I can function) so I think maybe that allowed me to go unnoticed as my grades at school were always good (although every single school report said ‘she’d do better if she would just concentrate a bit more’). I don’t want a diagnosis or anything, but I’m just curious about others’ experiences. If you have ADHD and especially if you only realised in adulthood, how did you know? How does it affect you?

Why don’t you want a diagnosis? Meds would improve your life immeasurably.

dS1 has ADHD and is flying in school now he’s properly medicated. I have suspected ADHD and would like to get assessed but can’t justify the expense (I guess I could go on an NHS waiting list but I feel there are others who would benefit more from diagnosis).

I guess because I’m at a point where I can handle it and manage my day to day life regardless and I don’t think there’s much to be gained from a diagnosis (for me personally, I know for others it’s really important and makes a big difference)

I don't know how old you are op but I have long-thought I might have adhd (as well as other family members) and thought I was coping ok. Menopause has changed all that though and I feel like I am falling apart. Dr suggested anti-depressants but I am unwilling to try that as I don't think I am depressed.

I haven’t been diagnosed but I can tell you that I’ve felt like a loser at life. I’ve never completed a course of study, the longest I’ve held down a job is 4 years, I’m hugely impulsive but always thought I was just carefree. I’ve been sacked many times for not being up to par, despite working longer hours than my colleagues. At home I get up and down all evening, never sitting still for more than 15 minutes. It’s chaos in my mind.

Following with interest, I'm autistic with ADHD traits and I read recently that 80% of people diagnosed with autism also have ADHD. It would make a lot of sense to me, for example I really struggle with impulsivity when it comes to shopping and have far too many clothes. But they're all basically the same style and size, from the same company - so my autistic need for sameness (sensory issues) is fulfilled but there's an ADHD tendency to need the constant dopamine hit of getting new stuff and looking different (but the same!) each day. I'm obsessed with dungarees and have loads of prints and colours. Also massive struggles with concentration and procrastination which have been lifelong. I have a lot of coping strategies/techniques but it's still impossible to really be an effective adult and not stress myself out with self-sabotage (running up debt, getting behind with work, etc).

I could have written this too OP! We must have seen the same thing and I've been googling ever since - feels like a bit of a lightbulb moment and nothing I would have ever considered before. Interested to see the replies too.

I'm diagnosed but not medicated. I feel I haven't achieved as much as I could have in life.

I was diagnosed about 18m ago (ADHD Inattentive). I was fine academically as I love a tight deadline & I’m pretty good at exams though loathe coursework!

I mostly noticed difficulties when I started trying to ‘adult’ and especially moving into my 40s (adhd symptoms are affected by oestrogen levels).

In terms of how it affects me:

I get a bit obsessed with things and then lose interest. I get very excited about new ideas, interests, hobbies etc but lose interest once I actually have to do something on it. I’ve lost count of the number of courses I’ve paid for and never started.

I procrastinate a lot at because I’m not sure how to start things and get overwhelmed with breaking tasks down, plus I want it to be perfect.

I struggle to start tasks but once I’m interested in something I can’t stop and get really stressed out when interrupted.

However at the same time I can also flit between tasks as I’m easily distracted and often end up doing the easier stuff in favour of more boring things.

I hate admin, life or work.

I lose things, and forget things (appointments, birthdays) unless I write them down and set reminders.

I have a tendency to take on too much and then get easily overwhelmed.

My motivation goes up and down like a yo-yo.

I underestimate how long things will take.

I’m impatient 😬

I find a lot of social stuff awkward - I’m a kitchen lurker at parties and hate any kind of ‘networking’ stuff for work. Along the same lines I get anxious going places that I haven’t been before eg I don’t like going into a new office for work (I WFH) as I don’t know how to access the building, where I need to sit, who to talk to etc.

If I go to parties or into the office I find my brain feels a bit weird and overstimulated afterwards and I have to lie down / not speak to anyone for a bit afterwards!

Emotional dysregulation. E.g I struggle with any kind of perceived criticism massively. I get disproportionately upset / angry if it’s just some minor constructive feedback at work. It only lasts for a day or two but it’s a total PITA. It’s generally known as Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and seems to go alongside ADHD.

Before starting medication I felt tired a lot, especially at weekend where there less structure to the day.

For me medication has been pretty life changing, but just the diagnosis by itself was helpful. It’s good just to know none of the above are personality flaws they’re just the way my brain is wired!

Wow this describes me exactly.

I'm not officially diagnosed or medicated but recent years I've seen a few symptoms of ADHD in women that's set bells ringing.

On ADs but the beneficial effect doesn't last long before I need to change meds or dose. Frustrating.

@BapsOfPlenty

I’ve suspected I have inattentive ADHD for about 6 months now, thanks to another mumsnet thread actually that sent me down a rabbit hole. You’ve basically just described me with everything you’ve written and inspired me to seek a diagnosis. Thank you.

I feel the same way, scared for a diagnosis as worry that meds would dull me and I need my brain for work. I have some traits that's aren't classic ADHD. I hate lateness and get incredibly anxiety about being late/travelling in case I'm delayed etc. So I turn up to things an hour early.

I'm also good academically, don't leave things to the last minute. But I do struggle working with multiple projects at the same time.

Socially I am very very chatty, but cut across people all the time and talk about me me me. I know I'm doing it, I hear myself but it's like I just need to get the thoughts out. In professional networking I hugely overshare and within minutes of talking to someone I've usually told them where I live, about my kids, my favourite music etc. I just can't seen to button it!

I also ruminate a lot about past cringeworthy episodes and play things over again and again and again.

I'm very much as @BapsOfPlenty describes, though I don't mind change particularly. Just been diagnosed but really questioning whether or not it's 'real'. It impacts my life. For example I am working now (except I'm not, I'm on MN) because I wasted hours and hours of time WFH today. Literally from 10-3 I did nothing. So I feel stressed, full of self hatred and of course I'll need to catch up on it tonight or tomorrow.
But I still question whether this is 'just' lack of motivation, discipline. When I told my mum she said "you just need to be more disciplined!" Maybe she's right.

I’m 2 years diagnosed (in my late 30s) and medication has changed my life. I was coping with lots of strategies but always last minute and always stressed. I used to do so much I’d get migraines every month that would knock me out for 2 days. Medication allows me to do a normal amount of work/house stuff/life without becoming exhausted. And it’s stopped my intrusive thoughts. Best thing I ever did, even when I don’t take medication I know how to manage myself.

@Nutellaspoon I was worried medication would dull me but it doesn’t. I am still me, just less frantic and erratic and stressed!

Ive read about hyperfocus though and think I do have this when I get in the zone for work things and worry this might go?

Chronic underachievement, boredom, restlessness, addicted to cigarettes then sugar after quitting the ciggies, unable to follow instructions, fill forms in, cope with bureaucracy, constantly feeling inadequate, remain in a job very long, read a book, learn something worthwhile and then the depression sets in and antidepressants don't work for adhd so just left drifting and getting more and more depressed.

Yeah, it's bags of fun. I prefer the autism because at least it keeps me on the straight and narrow. The adhd is just annoying and depressing.

@Nutellaspoon it’s more like I can focus all the time so don’t need the hyperfocus iykwim? But, there are days I choose not take my medication eg when I know I have a day where I’ll be needing to get an unreasonable amount of stuff done ie decorating or doing the entire garden

Adhd Meds come with a lot of risks though especially to the heart, not a decision to be taken lightly .

I have adhd and I manage it without Meds , I wouldn't take them nor give to my son who also has adhd after spending hours researching them

I turned them down for both me and him. The risks are too high.

@Howdoisawwithnosaw I’m glad to have helped! I also read a similar thread on mumsnet just before I sought diagnosis which was a huge lightbulb moment for me and the reason I wanted to post.
Plus I’ll happily waffle on about ADHD at any given opportunity 🙈

@Nutellaspoon I had the same concern about meds and they are definitely very individual. For me at least they’ve massively helped at work and my brain feels far more productive and less ‘fuzzy’.

I’m the same with lateness - I’m also often super early to things as I get anxious about not being there on time.

The urge to overshare is real though, I’m not sure there’s any help for me there!

@garlicandsapphires That’s exactly how some (lots) of my days go, even with medication. I’m an expert at procrastinating by cleaning, doing the washing and faffing about in the house when I have something boring or difficult to do. Except now I (mostly) just accept that’s how I am and try my best to develop strategies to help myself. I’m generally okay once I’ve sat at my desk and started something. So I schedule meetings in the morning or start with easy things that I tell myself I only have to do for 5 or 10 mins then I can have a break. Once I actually start I can usually keep going. Often to point I then forget to get up, eat, go to the loo etc… I usually listen to something while working eg music, podcasts etc to make it more interesting too.

Oh I absolutely crave change and novelty too! I love starting projects but am totally crap at finishing them. But also need time to process things including change if that makes any sense?!
The social stuff is more me overthinking everything and worrying about making a tit of myself I think!

@BapsOfPlenty that is me exactly too! Thanks for sharing. May I ask how you go about getting diagnosed?

All the things @BapsOfPlenty described pretty much describe me too. I would also add that when I get bored, it gets so bad that it's easily mistaken for depression. I call it being "bored in the soul". Even the threat of proper negative consequences sometimes won't motivate me if I find a task boring. Or even worse: boring and overwhelming.

I finally sought out diagnosis because the traits I'd always muddled along with became really distressing in my 30s. The mental health issues I'd struggled with since childhood, which I now understand was linked to being genuinely a bit different, threatened me to a greater degree. It got to a point where I was drinking every day as a coping mechanism, and two years of treating anxiety and depression with SSRIs and CBT with a therapist had a limited effect.

I was diagnosed at 14 and haven’t been medicated since I was 15. You don’t have to go on medication. I’m going to get a prescription for meds after I’m done having children because it will be handy for times when I need to really concentrate. You can take medication as and when you need it, you don’t need to be on it daily.
i found it easy to manage, you adapt, knowing I had it helped. But then having children really affected my ability to manage it. It’s like there’s a certain amount of attention and productivity available and things out of the ordinary, or two toddlers that run round acting like they have ADHD, definitely zaps that short supply.
I think having a diagnosis and knowing you have ADHD helps with understanding yourself and developing self-compassion. I had a strong reaction to you saying you thought there was something wrong with you… yep. That’s familiar. Every ADHD person I knows thinks that, rather than there’s something wrong with the way our society is constructed, that people who think differently are pathologised. You have a whole lifetime of internalising that and it ruins your self esteem. Developing an understanding of the way you think and process helps develop self compassion, which improves self esteem

@BapsOfPlenty another person saying thank you for your post, so many bells ringing, I've been wondering about ADHD for a while but your post made me cry. I'm on anti depressants but not sure they're actually the right thing for me. Hugs to everyone experiencing this. OP I hope this thread at least shows you you're not alone and that you can get some help/ useful strategies.

@BapsOfPlenty thank you for describing my tribe! I've literally just jumped the ed psych hurdle with DS1 to get a diagnosis for him so feeling empowered to start on me now.

You mentioning oestrogen is fascinating as my usual coping strategies are failing me the last few years which would tie in with me being 48, I'd been considering HRT but perhaps adhd meds might do the trick.

I’m recently diagnosed with inattentive ADD and medicated (went privately).

All I can say is wow! It’s a strange feeling - there is definitely a noticeable difference in me but it’s also quite subtle? Not what I expected but brain no longer feels like cotton wool.

For me it was lockdown that made the wheels come off and I began to question whether there was something else going on. I spent years thinking it was just the way I was. I knew deep down that I wasn’t lazy but I also knew that some people perceived it like that.

My main struggles prior to diagnosis were:

• extreme procrastination and struggling to get started with tasks even if there would be consequences for not completing them
• time management and time blindness. It takes me at least 3x as long compared to others
• lack of focus and concentration - scrambled thoughts and not knowing where to start

There are many others but these are the main ones. If anyone is reading and wondering whether to pursue a diagnosis I’d honestly recommend you speak to someone. It’s been life changing for me and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time!