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Original poster

What's your life purpose?

88 replies

ArticHare · 28/05/2022 19:52

Maybe it's turning 40, maybe it's juggling full time work, kids, family. I feel like my kids have taken over my life in terms of being worried or frustrated or angry but also my top source of joy... and subsumed me. In short, I feel my kids have become my life purpose.

I can't help wonder what I'd do for myself as DC grow up and seek their own paths? Still a while away but you know, days are long and years are short yada. I have a variety of casual hobbies but nothing of the depth of passion like with DC. I want to retire early as i dont enjoy corporate life massively, but will face an empty nest then. I cannot face the thought of doing volunteering or gardening or playing bridge or just walking around... you know, old people stuff. No interest in travelling, adrenalin sports etc - been there done that in 20s and 30s - for which im lucky and grateful for. Do I just wither and wait to die off when the kids are independent adults?

Was reading this article and despairing.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 28/05/2022 19:55

Having children is very, very consuming and I certainly remember it being one load of stuff to do after another

The key is not to live 'through' them, always have things you enjoy doing just for you - I've always had loads of interests and as the children left home I just did more and more of them

And you can always just 'wander round' every city in Europe Wink

sleepymum50 · 28/05/2022 20:04

I’m going to fill my house with GC feminists and rescue cats. I’ll also bang on ad nauseum about climate change.

Gardening to ground me to nature and for my mental well-being. Some sewing and knitting to be creative. Reading for relaxation.

But most of all be around to help my DD with her family. Circle of life and all that.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 28/05/2022 20:13

I hear you. Not quite the same but I’ve recently come to the realisation that I am existing around the lives of my husband and children. All of a sudden the children (10 & 8) seem a lot easier and (around all the driving to activities) I find myself with time on my hands, but I’m not sure how to spend it.
My husband has his hobbies; kids have their things but I can’t seem to find what my ‘Thing’ is. I think it may have something to do with being almost mid forties and spending the last 10 years consumed by parenting. I’m not the same person I was before all this started at 34. Need to figure out what interests me now.

well that was cathartic! 😄 Sorry I don’t have any answers but I’ll hang about to take some of the advice.

Oioicaptain · 28/05/2022 20:14

I get your feelings OP, but the change will be gradual. You don't know when they will leave the nest and whether it will be permanent. It's becoming more common for kids to return after Uni, of indeed they go away in the first place. Whilst kids go through a phase of being independent and not wanting to hang around with their parents, this is relatively short lived and once young adults, most will be happy to visit/hang out with parents again/go on holiday with them at times etc. Being a parent doesn't just stop when they reach 18. Then, there is a brief hiatus when you can go off travelling and enjoying yourself for a few years. And then, it's often the start of grandchildren. Research has shown that people in their 70s are at their happiest as they often have grandchildren and are retired. If you look too far ahead you are bound to feel lost . I am guilty of this too. Especially as my oldest is about to start secondary school and is growing out of playing/holidays at the seaside etc. But they will grow up, slowly and gradually and you will adapt and feel differently by the time that they are young adults. You'll still have your purpose as their parent. You'll just have a bit more time for yourself too.

Oioicaptain · 28/05/2022 20:16

I think that some of my feelings are also as a result of the perimenopause as I'm mid forties and as a result of my father being terminally ill. I do get that feeling a bit lost feeling.

PurpleSky300 · 28/05/2022 20:19

I have no idea and am still trying to work it out. I am still imagining some 'better life' that might come along.

Original poster
ArticHare · 28/05/2022 20:27

Yup maybe it's a mama bear thing. I don't think DH will have that problem at all hobbies wise.

Also good point about not looking so far ahead. It's possibly peri menopause and also just being a shell of my former self with work and kids.

OP posts:
ATadConfused · 28/05/2022 20:27

Ok. I'm not sure how to word this, without sounding preachy!

...but try just enjoying your life, being physically able to do whatever you choose to do. I'm 53 with some illnesses I didn't have in my 30/40's and I had a life changing injury last year. Plus my knees suddenly packed in prior to that, to the point I cannot get down onto the floor or kneel down. I am permanently absolutely bloody shattered & not able to do a great deal
of stuff, I just want to sleep (but don't do that well either)

I never thought I'd be in this position now.

You don't need to have a great purpose in life, just enjoy everything you can & do what you can, while you can.

I had been too busy/put off doing lots of things to when I had 'more time'. I'm not ever going to be physically able to do them now (a lot of cycling/kayaking' trips. Etc).

I had started renovating the house & now I'm no longer physically able to do a lot of it & don't have the energy/stamina to do the bits I'm (in theory at least) still able to do.

Spend time with your partners & kids & really enjoy the time.

Original poster
ArticHare · 28/05/2022 20:33

Actually while I cherish and will fondly look back at seaside holidays with primary aged kid, I can't wait to not do all that if that makes sense. I feel guilty feeling that way but hey that's something to look forward to... doing non kiddy stuff.

I'm not sure re grandchildren! Will happily help out but don't want too much kids/noise and have my identity go from full on mum to full on grandma... I want to find "me" somewhere

OP posts:
OldGreyAppleFence · 28/05/2022 20:33

Mid 30s and my life purpose is to enjoy myself as much as possible and not overcomplicate it! One DC, married to lovely DC, tick along nicely in a job which is challenging and fun. Spend my spare time enjoying time with DC, spending time with friends, doing stuff I enjoy. Find joy in the every day mundane bits of life - trying a new recipe, yoga, birds tweeting etc.

Oblomov22 · 28/05/2022 20:34

I've not really had a purpose. But this doesn't bother me. I've had such a good time, always had loads of me time, spent time with friends, went to European city breaks with same friends. Never felt I've missed out.

What sort of purpose do you think you need?

Mumwantingtogetitright · 28/05/2022 20:39

Interesting question, OP.

I don't think my life has one single purpose. But there are lots of things in my life that give me a sense of having purpose.

Being a parent is a big one. My work is another big one, as it has a direct impact on a large number of people (both staff and vulnerable clients). Volunteering is another thing that contributes. As is caring for elderly relatives. Spending time with friends. And just learning and developing myself so that I can be the best version of myself that I can be.

Hbh17 · 28/05/2022 20:39

I don't think that any of us have a "life purpose" - we're born, we breathe in and out for a few decades, and then we die. It's just biology.
But within the very short time thst we are here, we will hopefully have some choices about what we do to fill our time. We won't all choose the same things.

genetictesting · 28/05/2022 20:39

Not read it yet but dr chatterjee's happy mind happy life book covers this I think

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2022 20:42

I was 21 when I had DS so in my 30s onwards I was free to do what I wanted. I have a lot of hobbies and friends and a good career. A couple of years ago I was in the position to buy DS a house so I'm happy he is secure. It feels good.

Original poster
ArticHare · 28/05/2022 20:42

@ATadConfused Not preachy at all I came here for some older wiser views and free therapy

I like that you don't need to have a purpose. Also reminded me that DH and I (being wierdos) loved moving and renovating houses and so maybe currently I'm feeling a bit restless and yearning to move.

It's all good, I feel very blessed, but also rather tired and lost since being a parent is so consuming.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2022 20:42

I dont have a husband and dont want one so I do what I want.

Nix32 · 28/05/2022 20:43

@Imabitbusyatthemoment That's exactly how I feel. I'm struggling with it at the minute. I'm coming to the realisation that very little of my life is about me - it's about catering to everyone else's wants and needs and mine are forgotten about. Need to do something about it.

N4ish · 28/05/2022 20:46

I love one of Joni Mitchell’s lines - ‘life is for learning’ so that’s my motto & purpose. Not necessarily academic type learning, just learning more about myself, about the world, how life is in other countries etc.

DogsAndGin · 28/05/2022 20:46

I was thinking about this today. DH was away all week, and I was so lonely and didn’t look after myself very well. I realised that I love looking after things (people and animals), and that is my ‘purpose’. It makes me happy.

Imabitbusyatthemoment · 28/05/2022 20:58

@Nix32 Im sure there’s loads of us out there.
I think it’s also made more difficult by the fact that this is all on me. There’s no one stopping me from doing what I want to do. DH is always very happy for me to do my own thing and would look after the kids for me to. I just don’t really have any interests that occupy me in the same way that his activities do. I enjoy seeing friends, reading, and go to the gym (but don’t enjoy that much), but need to find more I think.

Original poster
ArticHare · 28/05/2022 21:07

@Imabitbusyatthemoment that's exactly the same. DH is great and always encourages me to take time off for myself, meet friends, go on a city break (which again im fortunate enough to do every now and then with girlfriends). He does his fair share and maybe more. But while nice I just don't think that's what I really need

OP posts:
Nix32 · 28/05/2022 21:09

@Imabitbusyatthemoment Are you me???? Could have written that post too. My job is all consuming too, so that takes a huge amount of energy. But maybe I'm using that as an excuse . . .

Verbena87 · 28/05/2022 21:16

Have you actually tried gardening? I thought it was boring. Turns out it is fucking brilliant - I do my best thinking pottering in the garden. Along with the fact it’s made me strong without noticing I’m working, helps me sleep, and is honestly indescribably exciting when it actually works and things grow, helps me slow down and be present in the moment, and you get strawberries.

Cookiecrumble22 · 28/05/2022 21:16

Gosh I love for my kids. I love them dearly I truly do. They always come before me even my adult children. I have had to deal with so much. There's been mental health issues. Domestic violence. Special needs to name just a few . I love them but it's been hell. No one had ever thought about what it has done to me mentally and emotionally. Over the past months I had felt suicidal I would never do it of course because of my children. But I have definitely felt that way. I can't even do simple things like have a bath/shower. So any hobbies etc are out of the question.

I can't wait until my family are in a better place. When they find their way in life. And are happy . That's when I will be happy. I'm actually looking forward to doing nothing. Just being able to enjoy my family