What's your life purpose?

[ArticHare]

Maybe it's turning 40, maybe it's juggling full time work, kids, family. I feel like my kids have taken over my life in terms of being worried or frustrated or angry but also my top source of joy... and subsumed me. In short, I feel my kids have become my life purpose.

I can't help wonder what I'd do for myself as DC grow up and seek their own paths? Still a while away but you know, days are long and years are short yada. I have a variety of casual hobbies but nothing of the depth of passion like with DC. I want to retire early as i dont enjoy corporate life massively, but will face an empty nest then. I cannot face the thought of doing volunteering or gardening or playing bridge or just walking around... you know, old people stuff. No interest in travelling, adrenalin sports etc - been there done that in 20s and 30s - for which im lucky and grateful for. Do I just wither and wait to die off when the kids are independent adults?

Was reading this article and despairing.

Wonderful post swayingpalmtrees.

Why are you assuming volunteering is all "old people stuff"? It's not all charity shops and making tea at the day centre 😂

Well - children are you life for a while. That's the way of it. But you need to retain one thing for yourself - for me it was singing - OH looked after them while I went to rehearsals. So that was there for me when the child care eased. I had kept the continuity.

Choose what you want to keep for yourself, and hold onto that. And then change your mindset about the parental role - reframe it, as they say - if you accept that this is your life for the moment and not worry about what happens next or harbour resentment about it, then you will be able to find the joy in it more easily. You will be able to treasure these times with the children because you know that they will be gone before you can blink.

At each stage of our lives there are different things we need to concentrate on - different responsibilities - at the moment it is the children. Embrace that for now.

Also, gardening is fucking brilliant, as a previous poster said!

This, mostly. I haven't stopped hobbies or things I enjoyed before kids, I just do less of them and am looking forward to that changing again when parenting is less relentless!

I never think about having a purpose, I just am here and that’s it. But I do enjoy most things and am mostly positive.

I think my life purpose is to keep making myself as happy as I can.

I am trying to get a good job because I want to challenge myself and move forward because that makes me happy.

My kids are in primary school.

I think when they leave my care I'll always be needed. I still need my mum. If I'm not needed , I'll volunteer ...travel I like doing , and learning.

Only one purpose.

to live it.

nothing else. A person in the next village died the other day of cancer. Aged 43. Being alive is a reason to live life to the full.

I think it's a little sad if your life's purpose centres on other people, not that you shouldn't nurture your DC of course but relying on them, or your DH/DP for 'fulfillness' sounds needy and may well lead to disappointment - we all enter this world on our own and leave on our own so being 'content' in your own company is vital (in my opinion).

My DS is on the verge of leaving home (I hope ) - currently on his placement year and then final year at Uni, I am proud that he is become independent and self reliant. But even when he was young I made sure I had plenty of interests, mine do centre around volunteering (not sure why you seem to sneer at that). My proudest moment (far more than giving birth) is that years ago, when I was a Uni student myself, a group of us raised enough money to set up a refuge for abused women. I have lots of very fulfilling volunteering roles and I hope to continue to do that.

My own DM is nearly 90 ... she does fill her time with gardening, bridge and volunteering ... she is not sitting around expecting her adult DC and DGC to 'fulfill her needs' ... of course we do enjoy spending time together ... but she has a full and happy lifestyle.

Surely there is something that you would enjoy that doesn't revolve around being a mother?

@covidaarrgghh
Would you still work the longer hours, shoulder the responsibility (and stress) if you had enough to fund the things you wanted to do outside work?

Sorry, tried to quote that but failed. The answer is yes, 100%. I love getting up and going to work. Not because I have some amazing or vocational job, but because I love the stimulation, the intellectual challenge, the interaction with colleagues etc. I have friends who have husbands earning enough to fund them living the non-working life that they want (travel, hobbies, houses etc), and I genuinely don't envy them. No judgment at all - it's just not me.

After 30 ish years of single parenting I 10/10 would recommend cultivating il dolce far niente, the sweetness of doing nothing. It’s an art form so it requires a little practice but you can do it anywhere any time. Start today!

DH and I are early 60s and retired and I guess we do old person stuff, we go off in our caravan about 8 to 10 times a year and in between do gardening and stuff like that, DH has his hobbies like fishing, cycling and running but I am quite happy to potter, garden and enjoy the peace while DH is out doing whatever, he seems to need hobbies much more than me. We hope to go abroad more for holidays soon but with last years Covid restrictions and now the airport chaos we are a bit put off by it at the moment so stay in the UK. We have one adult DS who doesn't live locally that we see probably about 4 times a year, no DGC and not expecting any

I’m struggling too , i am 52 with 3 kids. I was widowed at 34 with a baby, divorced at 48 with 2 more children and i have just ended a toxic 3 year relationship. I feel utterly alone, bereft and scared.

My life purpose definitely was raising my DC. Nothing I've done in life ever came close to how fulfilling that was. But they are grown and I am determined not to be that awful mother who clings and lives for them coming home for Sunday lunch.

I used to be pretty good at an art form - won awards for it and got some professional interest, so my intention is to take it up again and see if I can get to professional level with it. I've started already, since DS2 left home last year, and am a bit rusty but have had some interest and someone has just offered to mentor me, so that's my plan.

It's horrible having no passion. I get depression sometimes, and had a week last week where I had zero motivation or enthusiasm for anything. I got quite concerned. But I'm back on track now.

Work out what matters to you in life. What are you constantly drawn to? What gets you angry or upset or excited? Your purpose will be aligned with something that raises a strong emotion in you. If it's social injustice, become an activist. If it's nurture, start rescuing animals or look into Homestart training or even fostering. Could you become obsessed by creating something? Did you ever want to sing or dance or act or write or sculpt or make your own clothes or perfume or jewellery?

They always come before me even my adult children. I have had to deal with so much

I couldn't leave your post unanswered cookiecrumble22 Your children are now adult and have their own life journeys to lead. They may cause you to worry but their successes and failures are now their own, you no longer have to 'fix' problems, they are not little children any longer, and they certainly should not be coming first now.

Many decades of sitting at the back of the queue has now left you feeling suicidal. Totally overlooking your needs as a human being, your emotions, your need for regulation and peace, and your needs are now screaming back at you - we need to come first sometimes. You can not constantly be fire fighting other people's problems, and leave your mental health to decline to such a degree that you are now feeling as desperate as you do.

Please book some time with a qualified counsellor and get some proper support, and start saying to your kids ' that sounds awful, I do hope you find a solution' ' I understand what you are saying, what do you plan to do?' by always taking on the problems, you are depriving your adult children the chance to learn themselves, to become stronger through good choices and action, to learn from their mistakes and failures. They can not become functional adults unless you stand back. Disengage and refocus that energy into your own wellbeing.

Stop rescuing others whilst you are drowning yourself cookie.

Your life matters, your feelings matter. You matter.

I suppose my purpose is to my children and I will support and help them unconditionally like most people forever.

I also work with people who need support and this is where I feel most content, although it is tiring physically and mentally draining.

I study philosophy(at home), a language and a musical instrument. I keep my mind and body as well as possible, but I am also accepting of what I have today - this is key and it is most important to appreciate everything I have today.

Thank you for being so kind. I wish it was as simple as that but its very complex. People at risk ect . And my 15 year old is giving me hell. It's not just typical teen stuff it's much more than that. I think its partly the timing as well. As the issues have over lapped. It's not like one issue has come to an end have several months of normal living with a few general ups and down. They are big issues that have over lapped.

Your probably right about counselling. I'm not able to go private so I would need to talk to a gp. I'm not sure how long the wait would be. But I can probably do some googling there might be some type of support or similar.

At the grand old age of 56, having worked part time since 1992 around the family, I have recently started a fabulous new full time job with a major UK charity. Lots of travel in beautiful parts of the country, often involving planes and staying away from home. My DH, teenage DD and I pulling together as a team; I'm loving it.

Never really saw myself as a professional person, was always last in the queue at home (ex DH was happy for me to work but made it clear the arrangements re childcare etc were none if his business).

I guess our sense of purpose fluctuates during our lives; I'm finally really enjoying a full working life as some of my contemporaries are considering retirement. Having said all that, I'm also looking forward to the time I can enjoy grandchildren!

I love this @Swayingpalmtrees , what an inspiring post 😊. I'm in a different phase with younger DC but with similar plans in the near future

@Swayingpalmtrees I love your post too. May I ask what you are retraining for because that is something I ponder a lot - something more sustainable into old age. Won't necessarily have same interest but would be inspiring for me and probably some others

I hope someone can advise and also you find support in real life be it in family friends or other support. I can't imagine dealing with that... you have raised 3 + 2 kids! 💐

@User487216 I actually like the idea of caravan and fishing but not sure my DH would be...!

@Ylfa ahhh lovely quote. I'm actually a lazy person by nature and I love being not productive and doing sod all. My teenage years was just that but I guess I am at a stage of life that I've been forced to forget how to do just that.

I don't have children, they are absolutely consuming, but as to life purpose I can say I was freed up as soon as I realised I was as purposeful or meaningful as the trees growing outside my window. That thought helps me to enjoy each day, or not, as the trees do. I'm just here, and that's both amazing and dull, like nature.

Surely there is something that you would enjoy that doesn't revolve around being a mother?

Oh I'm an introvert and enjoy my me time very much. I don't sneer on volunteering gardening at all - I admire people who find contentment doing such stuff. I just don't feel like it's quite enough for me, im starting to think, actually, ironic as it sounds, while wanting to retire, maybe i want to find another career/vocation to get stuck into.

@covidaarrgghh you've helped me find my bearings as we sound similar. i think I need intellectual stimulation and challenge too. I'd like to do some bucket list/hobbies/volunteering too, but those are really secondary. Probably need to think further what that means. Can I ask what sort of job you went for?