To feel so fed up about the way my life has turned out

[Plantpot45]

My kids drive me round the twist. They argue constantly. To the point where I have to get involved because they get physical. So I’m constantly having to intervene. They are rude to me all the time and behave in such an entitled way all the time… for example my dd(7) tells me ‘shut up dummy’ in a serious and stern way because I tell her not to eat her pizza yet because it’s piping hot. This is common behaviour. It happens so frequently I can’t even summon the energy to be continuously responding with punishments.

They are always bored despite having so much stuff and doing family things all the time. I’m there with them but I’m not present anymore because I’m just so bored of it. It’s so predictable. Every outing even the park becomes a battle of wills. We have film night and they all argue over the film. I choose abs none of them watch it. DH equally as sick of it and is now starting to shout and be impatient which I hate as it’s not really him at all. He even wanted to leave recently because he’s so fed up with their behaviour.

I go round and round in circles cleaning up after them all.

As I type the third screaming argument between them has just broken out and they are shouting at each other.

I feel like life is just a constant routine of the same shit every single day. Routines need to be in place because I’ve got so much to remember so has to be done. It’s mind numbingly boring and depressing me tbh.

is this just life with kids? Preschoolers were much more fun because at the end of a hard day parenting they’d climb into bed for a big cuddle and declare their undying love for me. Now it just feels like a never ending cycle of everyone being bloody miserable. Now I’m miserable. We’re going on holiday abroad this year and I’m not looking forward to it because of the way they behave. I feel like this every day really because it’s all such an effort. Maybe I’m just burnt out.

is it just me?

I have 3. Aged 12, 10 and 6. They bicker and have their moments but our family life is miles apart from what you have just described.

There needs to be some serious consequences for their behaviour, have you implemented any? Shut up dummy is not an acceptable way to talk to you. They are walking all over you both by the sounds of it, it sounds like chaos.

my DDs 13 and 10 also bicker and occasionally backchat, but never talk to us in a directly disrespectful way - i don t think they would dare.

We are very much their parents and not their friends, and they are expected to be grateful for all things in life, however small.

Your situation sounds tough, OP.
Can your DC show you empathy when they see you are down?

Can you break the cycle a bit and put in some stricter boundaries but whilst also getting one on one time with each of them doing something they love?

It is chaos! You’re totally right. Hearing that this isn’t normal is helpful because now I realise I need to implement some serious strategies. Yes… I do try to be positive though and try to avoid lots of punishments. I thought this was a good way of parenting because it’s gentle. But I think I will lose my mind in the process if this continues the way it’s going. I tend to lean more towards rewarding good behaviour and really praising positively when they’re good and when they resolve their differences calmly. We tried the naughty step for our youngest but it was just a screaming fest and he ended up off and on it constantly and we tried for two ish weeks before just giving up. Any ideas on strategies?

I would have taken the pizza away for that rudeness. She gets it back (cold if need be) when she's apologised. You need to get tougher, OP. Children need boundaries and consequences to feel secure. You and DH need to get together and decide how your family life is going to be. Rules, consequences, rewards. You owe it to them and to your marriage.

They are very sensitive and empathic children when they’re being ‘good’

for example my dd(7) tells me ‘shut up dummy’ in a serious and stern way because I tell her not to eat her pizza yet because it’s piping hot.

If any of my ds had spoken to me in a similar fashion, their pizza would have been in the bin! Why do you stand for it?

If they're pleasant individually but wind each other up, can you divide and rule with DH a lot more? I've heard the book Siblings without Rivalry is good, but we've only got the one, so different issues. One thing I have discovered though is she needs a lot of physical exercise to be tolerable. Maybe yours are like that. Do you get breaks from them? You can't pour from an empty cup and all that.

I think you have just become exhausted and aren’t dealing with any of this properly. And it’s just getting worse and you are getting more exhausted.

You and dh need to agree a plan and both stick to it. It will probably feel harder at first, but in the long run it will be better

Removal of treats, cancelled visits, sending them to their room?

You can still be gentle by saying “We aren’t doing x because of y” or “I want you to go to your room because I am upset with how you spoke to me. If we call people names then they won’t want to spend time with you or do nice things with you.”

I’m a teacher and I have happily spoken to children when their parents have come in and said they were at their wit’s end with their rudeness at home. The kids were mortified and embarrassed and it knocked it on the head. Could this help, particularly if they have a good rep at school and behave well?

Telling you to “shut up dummy” at aged 7 is a horrible way to talk to you. It shows their complete lack of respect for you. They know when they are being rude at that age, and they obviously know there have been no consequences.

Now is the time because if they are doing this in Year 2, they’ll be calling you much worse when they are 14. And they’ll be bigger and stronger.

I think your gentle parenting has been too gentle, to be honest. Children need firm boundaries, with both parents on the same page.

My children wouldn't have dared speak to me as your children speak to you.

The pizza would definitely have gone in the bin.

Oh I just knew you would say you were doing 'gentle parenting'.
This is the result OP, entitled brats!
Neither of my children would speak to me like that, ever.
They had boundaries from the start, I am the adult and what I say goes.
As they are getting older if they don't agree with what I say we discuss it, if they have a good and reasoned argument I might change my mind but they have had years of enforced boundaries to get to this point.
Seriously, this is of your own making and you need to claw back some respect from your children before you hit the teen years.

My DS is nearly 7. I cannot imagine him saying “shut up dummy” to absolutely anyone - let alone me or spouse. I don’t think he’s able to articulate himself that way at all. This makes me think that it isn’t just the chaos of small kids that we all face and that leaves at least me spent and exhausted - but something more about the behaviour here that needs addressing.

what was the consequence for “shut up dummy”?

"Shut up dummy"
Would be met with burn yourself then

Fight about toys? Remove them
They have too much stuff cut down on it even if you loft it for a bit see if they notice
Fights? Walk away my neighbours were in hysterics one day when I had enough of screaming kids I said let me know if there is bloodshed and walked away the children told me I wasn't being nice I said I'm not the ones fighting and shut the back door on them
Don't bother with movie night if they cannot choose within five/ten minutes its cancelled

Basically give them no response

Have you tried making them "earn" these treats? It could be doing small chores, or it could even just be good behaviour. If behaviour is bad, there's no film night, no trip to the park, nothing. They might as well go to their rooms (but no internet). Hopefully they'll soon get bored and improve their behaviour.

You need boundaries and clear consequences. If my child (and they would never dare) said shut dummy to me, pizza in the garbage, straight to bed and loss of iPad, TV for a week. That is not acceptable.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean there is no disciple. Give them less less stuff, fewer outings, until they learn to appreciate it.

My parents were tough, they had very clear boundaries and as an adult, I thank them for it.

On this occasion I told her not to talk to me like that because it was rude and hurtful. But there wasn’t a consequence. There should have been but if there was a consequence for everything she does that’s rude or wrong then I’d feel like she was forever being punished. Perhaps this is where I’m going wrong. I get cross sometimes and do shout but there isn’t a consequence so it’s basically a waste of energy.

Boundaries and consequences are important. Children will test and push but they need to know where they are and we will still
love them even if they do get a telling off. No rules, no security and that is chaos.

if my Dd spoke to me like that I would have said
“pardon?” In a serious voice and then 1 of two things would have happened

1- she would have upped the anti and repeated it with devilish glee
2- or said sorry.

Almost always it would be number 2, however if it had been number 1, I would have said-

That is a horrible way to speak to anyone least of all me, so no pizza for you and you can get down from the table now until I call you back.
then it would have been quiet sitting anywhere. No playing and no screen for a few minutes when I would then go over and chat to them wanting an explanation, reflection and apology. If that didn’t happen then it would be them being put to bed.

Also, why are you going around in circles cleaning up after them? My 5-year old cleans up his own mess/toys, helps clear the table after dinner, puts his dirty clothes in the laundry basket at the end of the day. Do they have any responsibilities at home?

Instead of using the word 'punishment' use 'consequences' instead. I agree there should be boundaries set and consequences to rudeness and bad behaviour. I would also have taken the pizza away until later and it was cold.

You need to parent your children not being their 'friend'. They need to learn how to behave and how to be civil to their parents before they are much older...bickering and name calling can and will escalate.

My 2 sons used to bicker but never ever were they rude to me. just be firm but fair. Take turns in choosing a film, any playing up means they don't watch one at all but play in their separate bedrooms. Playing up at the park...they lose a TV programme/no ice cream after their tea. They also could be fighting for your individual attention..so give them each one on one time doing something good. The other could then have their Dad to themselves. Just suggestions.

My sons were rivals for my attention and feared the other being favoured, so I would do things with them separately sometimes and treat them and make each feel very special and loved. This was done absolutely equally though and they knew that...as I do to this day [and they now have families of their own].

And consequences are actions that are immediate, relative and match the behaviour.

shouting achieves nothing and for some kids they like it, it’s exciting to wind someone up and see them “lose it”. I rarely shout. No need.

" sensitive and empathic" my arse.

We would all love our children to have the innate grace to behave appropriately. The truth is, most of them need to be taught what is acceptable over and over and over with excruciating amounts of firmness and patience, and if you don't then they behave like disappointing assholes.

You literally need to spell out "You do NOT speak to me that way" and she gets to eat the pizza when she has acknowledged this and apologised. It is easier if this happens at the age of 2, but it is never too late to learn. Teaching them this stuff is very important for their future relationships too.

Do you have any boundaries or consequences or routine? This isn't normal, no. My kids wouldn't dream of speaking to us like that. We've instilled manners and respect in them. Yes they have their moments of bickering but life is nothing like that in your post.

Bored even though they have stuff and are entitled? Take their "stuff".

Speak to you like dirt - consequence. No club, no day out.

Fighting - separate and put in rooms - without their "stuff" then speak to them later about it.

Worse thing you can do is start putting consequences in place then give in because it's "too hard". Parenting is hard if you want to raise decent, well-rounded human beings.

Your kids behave the way they do because you allow them to - stop allowing them to.

I want to add that we had a full beach day planned this morning but that went out of the window because they were physically fighting. The screaming and shouting went on for about two hours and I kept threatening to not go and in the end after my youngest deliberately destroyed a piece of artwork I’d made because I’d threatened to not take them out, I drew the line and we didn’t go out. Id just had enough. But often boundaries are enforced because I’m exhausted and just don’t want to take them. So I think I’m sensing the issue here is me. Also DH who never follows through but threatens to take all sorts away. She has just screamed and shouted at me because I’ve asked her to tidy up her mess. She was sarky and rude multiple times. I told her she has to stop of tablet comes away for 1 day… then 2… now 3. I intend to enforce this. I think I just take their age for granted and talk at them too much trying to explain why things are wrong etc. what I need to do is be clear and concise. And like a pp said I can be gentle whilst saying it but still have to lay boundaries down