To feel so fed up about the way my life has turned out

[Plantpot45]

My kids drive me round the twist. They argue constantly. To the point where I have to get involved because they get physical. So I’m constantly having to intervene. They are rude to me all the time and behave in such an entitled way all the time… for example my dd(7) tells me ‘shut up dummy’ in a serious and stern way because I tell her not to eat her pizza yet because it’s piping hot. This is common behaviour. It happens so frequently I can’t even summon the energy to be continuously responding with punishments.

They are always bored despite having so much stuff and doing family things all the time. I’m there with them but I’m not present anymore because I’m just so bored of it. It’s so predictable. Every outing even the park becomes a battle of wills. We have film night and they all argue over the film. I choose abs none of them watch it. DH equally as sick of it and is now starting to shout and be impatient which I hate as it’s not really him at all. He even wanted to leave recently because he’s so fed up with their behaviour.

I go round and round in circles cleaning up after them all.

As I type the third screaming argument between them has just broken out and they are shouting at each other.

I feel like life is just a constant routine of the same shit every single day. Routines need to be in place because I’ve got so much to remember so has to be done. It’s mind numbingly boring and depressing me tbh.

is this just life with kids? Preschoolers were much more fun because at the end of a hard day parenting they’d climb into bed for a big cuddle and declare their undying love for me. Now it just feels like a never ending cycle of everyone being bloody miserable. Now I’m miserable. We’re going on holiday abroad this year and I’m not looking forward to it because of the way they behave. I feel like this every day really because it’s all such an effort. Maybe I’m just burnt out.

is it just me?

following, as this sounds like my kids who are 3.5 and 5.5!! They always seem bloody miserable as well however hard I try and the constant arguing and whinging drives me mad!

The screaming and shouting went on for about two hours and I kept threatening to not go and in the end after my youngest deliberately destroyed a piece of artwork I’d made because I’d threatened to not take them out, I drew the line and we didn’t go out

2 hours??? No wonder you are exhausted. In my house that would be a

Stop screaming and shouting at each other either talk to each other or me to resolve.

I've asked you nicely, if I've to ask again we won't be going anywhere.

Right we aren't going, go to your rooms to cool down from each other.

Would take about 10 mins.

Instead of threatening them with stuff all the time, try to emphasis the Value and Importance of doing something. So instead of saying 'I'm not taking you to the beach if you don't stop that' you say 'We'd all like to go and have a nice day at the beach so please put those away and get dressed'. You have to use Motivation and positivity and 'What you would like to happen' not 'What I'll take off you if you don't do it'.
So instead of saying 'you'll be late for school and the teacher will be really really cross' say 'If you'd like to be on time for school you need to put the shoes on now'.
Negativity and threats and criticism and not powerful motivators.

*are not powerful motivators.
Powerful motivators are Visions of the future and how it could it be.

Yes my kids were a nightmare. They never stopped fighting and arguing and were unbelievably rude to me. If I tried to punish them they would hit me or be abusive or say they want to kill themselves . It was a miserable existence.

I think they are pushing you and you’re going for the nuclear option each time.

no screens for 1/2/3 days. It’s lost all it’s power and it’s unenforceable. You won’t keep it up it’s too hard.

you need to react in the moment calmly and deal with things as they happen and not wait and wait and what and then explode

"He even wanted to leave recently because he’s so fed up with their behaviour."
50% of their DNA is his, in case he's forgotten.
50% of the parenting is his gig.
Have you suggested parenting classes to him?

Yes, that pizza would have gone straight in the bin if a child of mine spoke to me like that.

They are always bored despite having so much stuff and doing family things all the time.

Take some of the stuff away, they clearly don't appreciate it or deserve it and stop doing the family things if they won't behave or again appreciate it.

Every outing even the park becomes a battle of wills.

Set the ground rules before you go out and inform then that the consequence for bad behaviour will be an immediate return home and stick to it.

We have film night and they all argue over the film. I choose abs none of them watch it.

So turn the film off and send them to bed. If you are going to have family film nights then one chooses one week, another the next, etc., and any moaning or arguing will result in those moaning or arguing being sent upstairs to their rooms and not watching the film. Make this clear to them beforehand and again stick to it.

I go round and round in circles cleaning up after them all.

Stop doing this, make them clean their own mess and institute consequences if they don't. Stop martyring yourself.

These are your children, @Plantpot45, you are the authority figure start acting like it. Remember the behaviour you allow is the behaviour they will take with them into the outside world and no-one else will put up with it and nor should they.

I'm amazed by all the parents on this thread who seem to have all the answers.

I think you should have family therapy OP. It sounds really miserable and the kids don't sound happy either really. I don't think it's any one's fault but clearly a very toxic dynamic has taken root and I don't think endless punishments are going to work

Also you need a break. Do you have parents / family you can leave them with for a few days?

So during this she has continued to escalate. I have just told her she will lose her tablet. Three days of that. Told her to go tidy up her mess. She refused then started kicking me. I asked her to stop. She continued. I asked her to go to her room. She refused. She continued to kick me. So i physically picked her up to carry her to her room. She’s quite heavy. She flops all her weight down and she’s literally smirking, laughing at me. Like she’s enjoying it. What is actually up with that? Then she starts screaming and carrying on like I’m hurting her. All I’ve done is move her to her room. This is what I hate and why I hate telling them off. I unpick everything I do as a parent and I’m scared it’ll be seen as abusive by my child. I’m terrified of damaging them emotionally. I find the responsibility and weight of it all, huge.

They can be sensitive and empathic but they are children so I don’t expect them to get it right all of the time

It's going to be really important to stick to those new boundaries, OP. It will be hellish for a while since they will be upset about the new regime. It would be helpful to have one to one time with really great praise for any sort of good behaviour. Do you think that the kids have any underlying issues? Any worries in the wider family setting, or at school, for example? Do you need help from the GP for your mental health? Or at leats negotiate with your DH for some time each for self care?

Oops cross posted. Just be careful that consequences are immediate, since there's no clear connection for the kids for three days later. Also, this is a weird question but do they know how to tidy up? Kids can struggle to break down one big task into a logical sequence of small steps. You might need to scaffold that, e.g. by providing a list of steps and making sure you have tubs that are labelled etc.

In most areas the triple 3 parenting is available for free.

Also DH who never follows through but threatens to take all sorts away.

You both need to be on the same page, agree what changes your are going to make and back one another up. Remind your dh that he wanted to leave due to this and if he wants to stay then you both need to sort this out and you both need to be consistent and enforce boundaries and consequences.

I don’t get much time alone really. I work then pick them up. DH has hobbies and also works full time so I’m often alone. I do get time to myself though if I want it but don’t have loads of friends to meet and always feel guilty for leaving the kids and rarely feel restored after I go somewhere

ive been on the waiting list for therapy for over 6 months. I’ve contacted them and I’m still on the list it’s just really long

Gentle parenting is an approach that has boundaries at its core so I'm not sure why some posters have commented on it negatively. The approach isn't the problem, OP isn't applying it correctly. What resources are you using to follow this?

Have you read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Faber and Mazlich? I think you need to re-build a nurturing bond before respect will follow.

Withholding food isn't acceptable just because you're annoyed at your child to those suggesting pizza in the bin.

It's not withholding food, the child won't die of starvation for being deprived of a pizza because they are rude.

Stop over explaining their very bad behaviour to them. A clear “no, you are not allowed to do that” followed by a consequence. Don’t keep “threatening not to go” say it once and meant it. There is a time and place for explaining things, when they are fighting and calling you a dummy is not it.

Your husband needs to step up and back you up.

You are using the term gentle parenting, what you are actually doing is allowing your kids to be rude, lazy brats

I've always been firm with my kids since they were babies. It has paid dividends as I've had very few issues with them now they are older. I don't shout often because they know no means no and DH and I are on the same page. As they are well behaved now they have quite a lot of freedom. We tend to talk through issues now.

I've just asked my 14yr old how she thought I'd react if she said shut up dummy to me at 7, she said I'd scream and chase her round the house and send her to her room. My 9yr old said I'd ground her and take away her tablet. I've never actually punished either of them but they know that unacceptable behaviour is in no way tolerated.

Of course they won't die, but is that really the bar for you? I don't see how that fosters a loving relationship. It is quite spiteful. Taking something away they already have is very different to saying that they are no longer going to get something they want.

I agree with not withholding food- I see this as abusive

I have read that book, and many others. I have tried putting a positive spin on everything. I wonder if the problem is not the parenting but me. I’m exhausted often. Working, big house lots of children and just so exhausted I’m not coping. I have a tendency to be very consistently positive and using natural consequences for a while and then getting sick of the sibling rivalry or being less patient and it goes out of the window

also everyone always thinks their way is best but parenting methods are really confusing. There are so many styles. It’s not just about parenting styles either it’s about parents emotional health. By the end of a long working and parenting week for eg I can be more snappy and prone to raising my voice but after a good nights sleep I can be in a much more positive mindset and be great. The more posts I read the more confused I become about which style is the most successful

Agree totally with others comments about clear boundaries and immediate age appropriate consequences.

The other bit of parenting advice that has been really helpful for me is the importance of getting the kids to resolve their own disputes- be the sports announcer not the referee. When the kids argue I narrate and ask questions, and occasionally make suggestions to the complainant but I do not get directly involved or make calls about who is right or wrong. The exception is physical violence or destruction. If it escalates and I need to get involved, everyone is punished (the toy is confiscated, they are sent to their rooms, they are both denied a treat, etc.). I rarely need to intervene, and they are pretty good at either negotiating between themselves or finding space apart. There is still a fair amount of low level bickering (2 girls close in age) but knowing I am not responsible for it means I mostly tune it out.

Your 7 year old's behaviour sounds awful, possibly a bully in the making but one day she will pick on the wrong person and the result will not be good.

I think you may need some intervention both with your parenting and with your daughter's behaviour.

Presumably you don't kick her so why does she think it is acceptable to kick you?

It's not you being abusive, OP, if anything you've gone too far the other way and allowed this behaviour to escalate to an extent where you children rule you and you are afraid of what they will do if you institute firm boundaries and demand acceptable behaviour.

So actually perhaps you're so exhausted that you're inconsistent in your parenting? You sound like you're doing your best but need some wider changes to enable you to be the mum you want to be, more of the time.