To feel so fed up about the way my life has turned out

[Plantpot45]

My kids drive me round the twist. They argue constantly. To the point where I have to get involved because they get physical. So I’m constantly having to intervene. They are rude to me all the time and behave in such an entitled way all the time… for example my dd(7) tells me ‘shut up dummy’ in a serious and stern way because I tell her not to eat her pizza yet because it’s piping hot. This is common behaviour. It happens so frequently I can’t even summon the energy to be continuously responding with punishments.

They are always bored despite having so much stuff and doing family things all the time. I’m there with them but I’m not present anymore because I’m just so bored of it. It’s so predictable. Every outing even the park becomes a battle of wills. We have film night and they all argue over the film. I choose abs none of them watch it. DH equally as sick of it and is now starting to shout and be impatient which I hate as it’s not really him at all. He even wanted to leave recently because he’s so fed up with their behaviour.

I go round and round in circles cleaning up after them all.

As I type the third screaming argument between them has just broken out and they are shouting at each other.

I feel like life is just a constant routine of the same shit every single day. Routines need to be in place because I’ve got so much to remember so has to be done. It’s mind numbingly boring and depressing me tbh.

is this just life with kids? Preschoolers were much more fun because at the end of a hard day parenting they’d climb into bed for a big cuddle and declare their undying love for me. Now it just feels like a never ending cycle of everyone being bloody miserable. Now I’m miserable. We’re going on holiday abroad this year and I’m not looking forward to it because of the way they behave. I feel like this every day really because it’s all such an effort. Maybe I’m just burnt out.

is it just me?

Are there any organisations in your area that you can reach out to for help? I know where I am there's a Children and Family Wellbeing service. They provide one to one support for families to help in situations like this and also run groups and parenting courses.
Kids are hard work sometimes but being a parent shouldn't make you feel like this.

My youngest and DS and Dd are the ones with the most demanding behaviour. DD the most. I have asked the school for help and they have ignored my emails and never get back to me. I will chase this up again. She’s just said to me in tears ‘everyone will hate me if I carry on like this but I can’t help it… when I feel angry I just do and say things I don’t mean’. I’ve reassured her I love her a lot. I have given her a hug and explained why her behaviour is unacceptable. I have told her from now on I will be expecting good behaviour or she will lose out on nice things. I told her I’m mummy so I’m in charge and she has to follow the rules of the house

You sound exhausted. Of course you aren't disciplining your children properly because you don't have the energy. You said your husband has hobbies but you don't. Well bloody get some!

How about a relaxing yoga class a few times a week? Or a trip to the pub or coffee shop for a few hours? What makes you feel good? Do that!

Your husband is going to have to step up and help out more. He's the parent too.

Could you look at having family therapy? Or some kind of parenting classes that both you and your husband can attend?

Ok, reading your update it sounds like your daughter is upset and saying she can't help her behaviour - could there be something undiagnosed there? Could you contact your GP and social services for some proper help and support? Make a complaint to school if they've ignored your emails.

I agree with whoever referred to the importance of clear boundaries and immediate age appropriate consequences.

However, I also wonder where is your children's father in all this? You seem to see it all as your responsibility and your 'failures'.

It is clear that you are exhausted, but this cannot go on. Your husband absolutely has to step up and do his share of parenting. However, I also feel you'd both benefit from professional advice about parenting, possibly including family therapy.

You’re not withholding food?! Goodness me!

Your DD was so rude. Down from the table. Deal with it, then dinner resumes. And if the child was to miss one meal because of their escalation so what?! Is that abusive? Really?

Your posts scream exhaustion and guilt.

Husband has hobbies and time out and you don’t? Fuck that

Yes exactly. I want to use positive parenting as I want them to grow into happy adults but the boundary setting is the hardest part (as with all parenting styles it is the hardest part to enforce).

Not every parenting style works the same, I think atm you are past positive affirmations etc with the way your children treat you and speak to you.

You think the problem is you? Yes it probably is, you're too tired to parent consistently and effectively. You need time out. Go to a class - Pilates/yoga can be relaxing, go for a walk with earphones in (audio book, mindfulness), coffee shop with a book/magazine. It's a lot easier to face tough parenting when you've had some time out to refresh.

You say you've emailed school and they've ignored your emails? Ring up, speak to the head and ask them why? Ask them about her behaviour at school, do they have any concerns etc?

Take back control OP.

She’s just said to me in tears ‘everyone will hate me if I carry on like this but I can’t help it… when I feel angry I just do and say things I don’t mean’.

That sounds like she is already losing friends/school mates due to her behaviour and it sounds as if she needs help managing her anger, I second a pp who suggested the GP as a start. Family and individual therapy would be a very good idea if you can't get it quickly on the NHS could you afford to go private? Any health cover via either your or your husband's work? Also, do chase the school and be firm with them do NOT let them fob you off, if you are looking for help via the NHS you will have to learn to be tough because you will be fobbed of at every turn if you are not.

There's a lot to be said for only having one child.

No guarantee siblings will get on. You've decided to have two so you'll have to address their violent behaviour with each other.

As for "shut up dummy"
I have no words.

Aww the old everyone will hate me shtick designed to tug on heartstrings or could be truthful either way I would answer honestly yes people won't want to be around nasty kicking children

If you cannot stop her kicking you walk away to another room shut the door when she follows put her back through the door (not literally) shut the door again put a barrier between you she may escalate scream and shout kick the door (maybe have a shoes off household kicking doesn't last long if it hurts)

Tldr

Remove yourself

Social care won’t do anything. Even early help won’t help in this case. I’ve worked with them. They are overworked and barely take on anything as it is. They are purely there for safeguarding. School nursing probably my best bet for support with behaviour so perhaps I’ll call them. School say she’s an angel. I don’t think they believe that she’s hard work at home. She’s a perfectionist and bright. Possibly anxious? It is possible there is something not right with her.

My eldest is very good at school and often at home too esp on his own but throw the other two into the mix and he’ll react. I feel sorry for him really as the others hurt him and only recently he’s started to lash out back because he’s sick of it.

So what did you do about it?

I agree husband needs to step up a bit but lately he’s just getting cross and shouting so I try to avoid him getting involved. He threatens to take things away, takes it away and then doesn’t follow it through. Eg no TV for a month. That would mean the others can’t really watch it either which is a collective punishment when they may not have done anything wrong.

İf they're arguing can you seperate them and make them do their own activities?
I find having too much stuff in the house makes kids go manic. Slow down a little and have less toys and activities and put all the toys or activities that are focused like crafts or mechanical building things away in a cupboard somewhere they can't access and choose one for each of then for each day of the week. Get them to spend alone time doing each of their activities and then come back together for dinner to talk about what they've been doing. Make a timetable and structure of what they'll be doing each week inside the house. You don't need to be out and about a lot if they're socialising at school all week.

Op how many children do you have?

I have to be honest they don’t sound like happy children at all. So I think understanding why they are so unhappy is important, what are they arguing about?

I know it's the classic MN response, but it might be worth considering something undiagnosed, especially given her saying she can't stop it. My eldest sometimes comes out with something rude, but she has ASD and can't really extrapolate 'this thing is rude, this thing is similar so is also rude'. She has to be told specifically. We also get a lot of fighting when her little sister is overwhelming her and she lashes out.

I only say that because if there is something going on you have to parent completely differently- we have to approach the two kids in different ways. Punishments won't work. Not that you will find it easy to get any kind of assessment at all at the moment.

I agree with not withholding food- I see this as abusive

That’s your big mistake. You seem to view ^any* consequence as abusive and look where it’s got you. Obviously it’s abusive to starve your children, but that’s not what’s being suggested. The shock of seeing their pizza dumped in the bin might make them think twice about being incredibly rude to you next time. You then offer something boring like a cheese sandwich or beans on toast.

Yes offering an alternative is fine but there has been some suggestion of removing the entire meal. That’s a bit much imo

How many children do you have? It sounds chaotic and you sound exhausted.
Bickering/fighting for hours then being punished can’t be making them happy either, it’s a miserable way for them to live. So you need to get to the bottom of why they are choosing to behave in a way that makes them miserable.
I have 3 children, 8, 6 and 3. They occasionally bicker but rarely, and it never escalates.
If they bicker I tell them to take time out in their own rooms away from each other. Within a few mins they invariably come out and apologise because they don’t want to play on their own.

3 DC. They used to be very happy. I feel like the dynamic has changed recently. My youngest Ds went through a really violent stage. I mean really violent with everyone at home. He woke up having violent night terrors too where he would literally attack me at 1-2-3 in the morning. It went on for a couple of months. He was also very violent in the day. We used time outs which failed miserably and in the end I physically restrained him (I didn’t hurt him) but I’d say if you can’t stop hurting me I’m going to hold your arms and legs so you can’t hurt me. This was after trying to remove myself and the other kids from the room. I believe this period of violence started the problems we now face. He’s much less violent but now they are all pretty equal in terms of fighting physically but either he or his sister starts it. She always had a fiery side but rarely hit out. He just seemed to eventually stop doing it as much. My eldest DS says he’s unhappy because of his brother. There is definitely a crowd. When it’s just my two eldest together they fight much less. I think the youngest changes the dynamic. Dd has always been very highly strung though

I have heard the “no one likes me” and “everyone hates me” from countless children over the years. Tugging at the heartstrings! The correct response is ‘no, you’re right. People won’t like others who hit/bite/say mean things/are rude. But we can change our behaviour and make good choices and then we have lots of happy days. Shall try again?’

gentle behaviour management has boundaries at its core. I think you have really misunderstood what it means and it’s spiralled. Gentle parenting still has consequences for actions and acknowledges poor behaviour.

A child smirking as you try and punish them is completely capable of making excuses for themselves 😬

We went through a stage like this with our kids. Me and Dh were absolutely miserable. He was wanting to leave as he couldn't bare it. We fell out about our different parenting styles. It was a really bad time. Now they are older its much better and has been for years. Keep going, keep disciplining. I read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk and sibling without rivalry and it defo helped.

Thankyou that’s really reassuring

One thing to consider is, although you might want to parent a particular way, that way may not suit your child. My DH struggles with our DD because she is totally different to his older DC (my DSC) and we just have to do things differently with her. The older ones were just very compliant so it was fairly easy most of the time.
My DD is 7 and sounds quite similar to yours in some ways, and I feel pretty exhausted too.