Funny sayings

[MardyOldGoth]

Share your favourite amusing sayings here. I like (about braggards) 'if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife,' and the government 'run a country? They couldn't run a bath!' 😂

Love a good non-English one too if anyone has any good ones from other languages.

Another version of who rained on your parade… who pissed in your cornflakes

Im just a monkey, not the organ grinder

Disbelief: 'Gordon Bennett !!'

"What did Horace say Winnie?" or he/she is talking Horace - referring to the language of small toddlers which sounds like speech til you try to decipher it. (Turns out it's from a 1940's radio show - thanks Google.)

Ting-a-Lings - tinned spaghetti hoops
Brioche Go Bing - chocolate chip brioche which tastes better after being microwaved for 10 seconds.
Chicken A Prize - Cordon Bleu or Kiev - it contains a surprise filling.
Taste Cake or Shape Cake? A question for kids parties as sponge that can hold a good architectural shape is often quite dense & often has a covering of royal rather than butter icing.

Cheese it - take a photo.

In & out like a fart in a colander - hectic

‘No use nor ornament’

Daft as a brush

Happy as Larry

As exciting as a wet dishcloth

Wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire

well I’ll go to foot of our stairs - that’s surprising news

And an alternative: "Shut the front door!"

"As welcome as a fart in church".

Better than a poke in the fanny with a sharp fork

She thinks she’s it, but she’s not - she’s shit, and she’s not even that when she’s wiped up!

"He doesnae zip all the way up to the back of his heid". He's a bit thick.

Better than a poke in the eye with a shitty stick

up at a sparrow’s fart (Aussie for up at dawn)

eyes in different post codes (squint)

S/he has a mind like a chimney sweeps brush - filthy

Xxx is as likely as finding a tin of tartan paint at the grocery's

About a particularly loquacious person:
"S/he has a tongue that hangs on a swivel and clacks at both ends!"

Someone tight with money again ;
' they wouldn't give you their pickings out of their nose' ! Gross that one though,

I missed that one before, but I also like the Scottish equivalent of that one:
"He wouldnae gie ye the reek aff his pish!"

No pockets in a shroud

Children are like farts. You don't mind your own.

I've seen better legs hanging out of a nest

My late fil had loads. My favourite was calling idiots "shitehawks"

My dad to me as a teenager "are you going to hang that pelmet back up when you've finished wearing it?"

You must have a brain as smooth as a marble

To some people, that means nothing. Whilst in reality, you are calling them extremely dumb

As mucb use as a fart in a milk bottle
He's tighter than two coats of paint....which I believe Rod Stewart said of Mick Jagger....or vice versa, I'm not sure 🤣🤣🤣

"Has more days off than Father Christmas" - for someone often on the sick at work

"Couldn't lie straight in bed that one"

He is so mean, every morning he checks under his bed to see if he has lost any sleep!

My best friend says 'Spanish archer' which translates to el-bow, so if we're trying to get out of talking to someone Spanish archer means we're giving them the elbow, so getting out asap

"If you fell into a barrel of tits you'd still come up sucking your own thumb"
= Unlucky

The French one I love is "I'm farting fire" when you're feeling great and energetic.

"Call me 'Butter' - because I'm on a roll!"