Funny sayings

[MardyOldGoth]

Share your favourite amusing sayings here. I like (about braggards) 'if you've been to Tenerife, they've been to Elevenerife,' and the government 'run a country? They couldn't run a bath!' 😂

Love a good non-English one too if anyone has any good ones from other languages.

About someone who loves themselves. 'If he was made out of chocolate he'd eat himself'.

He couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel!

About someone tight with money, he's tighter than a ducks arse and that's watertight.

My dad, talking about two brothers he knew, one of whom was academic and the other not.

'A could pass any exam he took. B struggled to pass water.'

Thick as manure and only half as useful!

He/she fell out the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Said about an unattractive partner 'S/he must bang like a shit house door in a gale'

If wit was shit you'd be constipated

If you're looking for sympathy it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis!

She’d cut a louse in two (someone who is tight)

He couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo (shit footballer)

It all my arse and peggy martin (it’s a right load of old tosh)

Last one is one of my granny’s favourite sayings (fuck knows who peggy martin is? Maybe that should be my next user name!)

Some of these are great and some have never heard of, love these threads

‘You’re up and down like a whore’s drawers” for someone who’s busy

I like 'he's got a face for radio', and one I haven't heard in years, then overheard again last week, 'he's not behind the door.' (Don't quite know exactly what no. 2 means but it makes me amused.)

And a translation from an Austrian saying, although sadly don't know the original: speaking of a place in the country so quiet that it's 'where the fox says goodnight to the rabbit.'

If I/he/she were an 'oss I wouldn't trust a vet with a feed bucket - to describe someone with numerous ill health issues

If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his cap off/not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree - someone not too bright

Not fit to know he/she's got an 'ole in his/her arse - can't keep a secret

Well I'll stand the drop of York - I'm surprised

No shit Sherlock - stating the obvious

A very outdated and misogynistic saying, but one that always made me laugh. If a lass had been around a bit "she's got a fanny like a wizards sleeve"

"He's not behind the door " means he is pretty sharp.

'He's thicker than a whale omlette' for someone not too bright. For a lady who has 'had a life', 'I bet she's flattened some grass'.
And someone greedy/miserly is tighter than two coats of paint!

The saying “not my circus, not my monkeys” on repeat in my head has actually genuinely made my life better
I remember my aunt & uncle used to say that someone was “waiting for a vacancy in the holy trinity” if they were a bit goody two shoes or sanctimonious
I like “two cheeks of the same arse” instead of “two peas in a pod”
One my Gran used that I always found funny was “he’s got all the charisma of a soaking wet towel” also a bit rude but “saves ruining another couple” when two people she found slightly unpleasant were together.

At the thought of doing something very unpleasant: "I'd rather poo in my hands and clap".

A less polite version of "Who rained on your parade" : "Who pissed in your chips?"

"The louder he spoke of his honour, the faster we counted the spoons"

put wood in t’hole - close the door

well I’ll go to foot of our stairs - that’s surprising news

I used to work in drug services and I've known that word to be misinterpreted!

I'll never forget a newspaper headline I saw once about a criminal who had been caught smuggling cocaine in his small clothes:

"Crack found in man's underpants"

He wouldn't stop a pig in a guinnel (said of someone with bandy legs).

I also like old phrases with a bit of a 'twist' to them:

"Before criticising a person, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll have a mile head-start and they'll have to run after you barefoot!"

"Build a man a fire and you will keep him warm for just one night; set a man on fire and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life!"

"As much use as:

An ashtray on a motorbike....

A radiator in an igloo....

A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest"

One that younger MNers won't have the faintest idea about:
"Two Green Shield stamps short of a pop-up toaster".

"Politicians, like nappies, need to be changed regularly - for exactly the same reason."