I’ll say at the outset that my family situation is not LTB territory. I’ve never bought into that glib response (except in obvious cases of abuse) and I don’t feel my situation merits it anyway. Our home life is stable, secure, happy (within the realms of a high-stress/long hours high earner) and we are all healthy. Our children are happy and thriving at school and out, my life is balanced, content and busy and I’m happy with it. DH and I feel that we have many blessings to count.
DH and I have been married for 14 years. We have a lot of respect for each other - achievements, work ethic, forbearance, values. We laugh a lot together, we enjoy the same pastimes, we are supportive of each other emotionally and practically. We both consider the other to be a “good person”. In short, we love each other deeply, and we are in it for life.
The only fly in the ointment is that DH has a mental health issue. It manifests as anger and volatility and aggression (never towards a person, he wouldn’t hurt a fly), and what looks to me like sullen, self-pitying frustration and victimhood. When the mood descends, he simultaneously acts as though he deserves to be miserable and will say that he’s worthless and has no value; and blames me aggressively for not helping him, extending kindness towards him, never admitting that anything is my fault while in a roundabout way implying that everything is actually my fault (implying because he rants, he doesn’t express himself clearly or logically). I will be going about my week and when the explosion comes it’s out of the blue to me. I’m accused of gaslighting him, of twisting things, of nagging and berating when really what he needs is kindness - which I think (because he can’t say exactly what it is) is me letting him get away with this behaviour that’s damaging to me and to our children without any objections from me. Just letting everything slide, silently letting him be however he needs to be and quietly fixing things for myself and the D.C. by myself.
From my perspective, I am protecting our children and myself from a roaring temper and destructive atmosphere, by challenging him on what he’s saying, pointing out the inconsistencies and flawed logic of what he’s saying, telling him how things feel and seem to the D.C. and to me, asking him to get a grip etc. This is like a red rag to a bull. It makes him feel like I’m having a go at him even more, pointing out all his failings and inadequacies, that I’m not being empathetic about how he’s feeling, and it makes him angry that I’m not accepting or supportive of his mental health challenges.
We are on totally different pages. He has an issue that I struggle to understand and evidently show little support or empathy to him about. I can’t allow myself or my children to live in a home where this behaviour goes on (it happens once or twice a year, usually lasts 2-4 days).
When he’s in these moods, nothing I say gets through. I can see that at the time. He’s not himself. It’s as though a red mist descends and he loses control entirely. The gentle, thoughtful, caring and generous man is replaced by someone who lashes out, swears, will throw whatever soft thing is to hand (cushion, garment, tissue box) at the wall or floor in anger. He paces, hissing and seething. He looks at me as though he can’t bear the sight of me. Saying anything at all to him just angers him further. Oddly, however, if any one of the three of us has something go wrong during one of these fits of temper (DS stubs a toe and cries out; I mention something that’s making me sad that he doesn’t know about eg ill health in a family member) he will immediately switch out of that mood to sincere concern and empathy and shared sadness. Everything changes: his body language, the tone of his voice - he’s just his normal self.
Once the episode passes, we’re both exhausted. We talk. I tell him he needs to seek help. He was reluctant for many years but I found someone for him who he saw for a year and it helped. I think that was easy-ish for him because he has anxiety issues at work which manifested in this way, and it’s easy to talk about something dry like a career and get prescribed drugs. This is something else though. It’s deep within him, and I wonder if it’s hereditary (he’s hinted that his own dad used to have a very violent temper).
Am I unsupportive? Am I lacking in empathy? Am I wrong to stand up for myself and “protect” his children from him? They seem perfectly happy and healthy and well balanced children to me, not remotely affected by any of this. But, children can be good at hiding things. Maybe they are affected. I don’t want to probe in case I put ideas in their heads that they SHOULD be affected.
I know this isn’t “normal”, but am I totally off piste in thinking that he needs to seek help and sort himself out and not inflict himself on the rest of us? Or is it my responsibility as his life partner to put up with all this, do what he needs doing, while he sorts himself out along the timetable that works for him? What if he gets to 60yo and this is still happening? Losing 8 days a year to this isn’t a big deal - that leaves 347 happy and good days. But I’m tired of being tired and confused and accused of things I haven’t done, of feeling lost and angry in turn. And then I wonder if that’s what it’s like for me, what must it be like for him… Finally, I don’t see this in a feminist, man versus woman way. If the roles were reversed with DH and me, the situation would be exactly the same. He’s my greatest champion as a woman, truly.
Sorry for the epic post. I just don’t have any bearings in this. Thank you for any replies.