I have everything, and yet I'm really struggling

[WhiteDoorBlue]

Just that really. I honestly have everything anyone could want and yet I am slipping and I've no idea how to catch myself.

I've a loving family, nice home, good friends, career etc. And yet I am so exhausted to the core of my being that I just can't cope. I'm withdrawing from friends. At first I was all "I'm just very tired and need to take some time out" but now even when I see them I don't have anything to say.

I barely function at work. I'm an NHS consultant. I burnt out during covid and had 2 months off. That was 18mo ago and I thought I was doing OK, had therapy etc. But honestly I think I'm heading back there, and in my specialty the demand isn't anything like it was even a year ago.

I just don't know what to do about it. I do all the things I'm supposed to good diet , exercise, take daily pleasure in nature,good sleep hygiene, minimal alcohol.

My bloods, thyroid etc are always normal. I'm not pre meno (checked).

I'm just done. Absolutely f'ing done. And I've no idea what on earth to do about it.

I'm scared to go off sick but also scared not to go off sick.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm just so stuck.

NC for this as I cba having this linked.

Oh and what set this off was I went on holiday recently and relaxed for about 5 minutes. Genuinely relaxed. And it really upset me that I never really feel that in my life. Its really stick with me.

So when I came home I put my preschooler in an extra day so I could have a day to myself, and yet I am still going mad.

I am ready part time (30hrs) and financially can't reduce further.

You sound completely burned out . Is it possible you could give up work entirely for a year or so?
If so, do it. I was in a similar situation years ago. I just couldn’t go on another day. I thought we would never manage without the money, but we did. Your health is literally priceless.

Could it be a delayed response to the stress you were under during covid? Sometimes your body/mind waits until it's "safe" to fall apart to do so. Your anhedonia (lack of ability to take pleasure in things) and some of the other parts of your description are similar sounding to depression. I'd maybe give Mind a ring and discuss it with someone. Non-Mumsnetty hugs to you.

You understandably sound exhausted. I know nothing about these things but could you perhaps change to the private sector without any financial implications? Would it be any easier there?

What did the therapy tell you? I mean is it PTSD, burnout, depression, what is it? Because it's something.

You sound depressed Op

Can I gently ask if you’re on any medication at all? And if not, might it be time to maybe look into it?

It could well be a delayed response. We moved house 6mo ago too and that was fun. Unfortunately we are mortgaged up to the tits with limited savings so I can't take time off, but i can see how that would be helpful.

I think another trigger is the covid inquiry tbh. Every time someone mentions it at work I cry.

Urgh. Such a mess.

Agree I sound depressed reading it all back.

Sounds to me like you done well lovely, and pretty much got it all! Probably was a lot of hard work and grit to manage that a?
Sounds like you have absolutely no idea how to do nothing and relax.
I actually have the same problem, I can be so burnt out but I don’t know how to relax and do nothing without thinking about anything….it’s like a vital skill I missed and can’t learn!

No medication at the moment. Have tried it in the past and found it helpful. Tried the same one again 18mo ago and had a bad reaction which scared me. But maybe I do need to ring my GP.

Thanks for talking to me

Yes @PetersRabbitt that is exactly the problem!!!

I think maybe you need some more, long term therapy. ❤️ With a therapist who feels a real ‘fit’ (who may not be the first one you meet)
It’s the best investment I have ever made

I'm not sure how helpful my suggestions will be - but I'm in Long Covid and struggling with chronic fatigue.

I cope day to day by doing a lot of mindfulness, a lot of Qi Gong and a lot of pacing. Is this possible? I have to be pretty rigid about planning in rest periods during work - even if I can just manage to do 5 minutes mindfulness mid morning and then get outside for 10 mins at lunchtime. All of this helps me cope with a level of exhaustion I've never had before.

3 minute breathing space meditation to start you and Peters Rabbitt off!

If you found moving house ‘fun’ and couldn’t relax whilst on holiday, I’m wondering how well you’d actually cope signed off work for a year or so. I think you sound like someone who needs to be busy, albeit, away from the hospital setting and away from hearing about the covid inquiry. Best of luck to you OP. Maybe more time outdoors? Projects in your new home?

I've been in a similar boat OP, a delayed reaction to 3years of stressful "holding things together" between Covid and my husband's developing epilepsy. All of the anxiety overflowed, and I realised I was isolating myself from everyone and everything, even though I had my freedom from restrictions.
I took 6 weeks off sick, and got onto some different antidepressants which helped my anxiety too.
I've been back at work for about 5 months and I'm pushing myself to get to see friends (which still is making me feel anxious but I know will be beneficial) and to think about some of the bigger changed I need to make in my life.

It was always said "this Covid isolation is going to affect people's mental health" and here it is, doing exactly that! Even if you managed/had to work all the way through so on the surface your life hadn't changed, I feel like it had a profound effect on me. My long covid is a mental health version.

You're all right, I just don't really know what to do about it I guess.

I tried the mindfulness
Video @MadMadMadamMim kindly linked. I like the idea of it but when I do it I get a bit scared as my mind just looks like a big giant mess. 10 million thoughts flying about.

Funny you should say that @DogsAndGin as when j was signed off I had no idea what to do with myself so had to ring the employee assistance line for advice. They were helpful,I might try them again in the morning.

Covid changed everything profoundly for us, even though we both stayed in work and the kids at pre/school. I find it hard to talk about. I think I have PTSD but my therapy focused on depression last time.

Sorry to hear how low you are feeling, it makes you feel like a fraud when you don’t have a good enough ‘reason’ but illness can strike anyone. I hope you have a helpful visit with your GP and things start seemed brighter asap

It was suicidally awful @RosesAndHellebores. HTH x

Why was it suicidally awful. Are you a respiratory or ICU consultant?

And 30 hours is my contract, not my actual working hours. I worked a damn sight more than 50 a week 😘

So do I mostly. 50 is a minimum.

Come on, let's get some of your anger out. Were you unable to stop your patients dying due to the lack of resources? Did you have to work from a room in your house with your usual routine turned absolutely upside down?

Jesus @RosesAndHellebores why do you feel the need to ask OP to justify how she is feeling with your tales of how hard you worked in the pandemic? It’s not a competition. Do you have any idea how patronising you sound? Get your anger out. Ffs.

roses i don’t usually criticise others posts but I found the tone of your latter remarks really unkind. I’m not sure if you intended that as you did begin by asking about professional stress the OP might have experienced. I, too had an incredibly busy lockdown working ridiculous hours under pressure, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t as bad as working for the NHS. And I work in a profession allied to the NHS, so have good insight. For instance, the OP might work 30 hours on paper, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t work that in practice. And it is pretty well established that NHS workers who’ve been through COVID are experiencing PTSD.