Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Baby girl ‘triggers’ - what can I do?

95 replies

SonSonSon · 15/05/2022 12:21

‘Triggers’ is the only way I can describe them & I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do.
I have three sons, they are amazing. I want a daughter, I want to have three sons and a daughter. My heart pains for it, I really wish I could flick a magic button and make it happen.
DS’s friends mum has just announced she is having a fourth child, a baby girl after 3 boys and the comments are sickening me. “I’m glad you’ve got your girl” “finally” “about time” “Get buying pink” “aww what you wanted”. I literally feel overcome with jealousy and it’s vile.
I feel like a horrific person, there are people out there who can’t have children or have had miscarriages or lost babies or many, many horrendous situations I can’t even begin to understand and I am so SO sad. What is wrong with me?
Even if we tried for another baby I know it would be a boy as I don’t seem to get ‘what I want’ (I know it sounds so childish) and the comments about four boys would send me over the edge, I think.
How do I find private therapy for this? I can’t talk to anyone about it - had a cry to DH last night but even he doesn’t know the extent of my thoughts. I can’t go on like this, how long will it last - the rest of my life?!

OP posts:
GreatStuff67 · 15/05/2022 12:33

Hmmm do you know why you want a girl? Are there certain dream scenarios you have in your head with a daughter? Could you do any of these things with your sons? Sorry to hear you're finding it so hard 💐

missypissy · 15/05/2022 12:37

I can only sympathise as I really wanted a girl after two sons. I had one and at the scan I felt nothing but relief. Relief knowing I wouldn’t need to feel the way that you currently do right now.

That’s not me being smug rather it’s just me acknowledging that you’re not a terrible person and your feelings are valid and there’s also not that uncommon. Some women don’t feel gender disappointment and that’s great but some most certainly do.

I can’t even describe it really but i just really really wanted a girl. Yes I love my sons of course I do but I wanted a daughter of my own. I would presume there is some psychological processes underpinning these desires? I love my mother very much, we have always had a great relationship. I guess I wanted to reciprocate it with a daughter of my own. Or at least get the chance to try.

Be kind to yourself OP xxx

Roselilly36 · 15/05/2022 12:39

I get it OP, I am a mum to two DS’s that are now grown up, I absolutely love them to bits and I wouldn’t change them for the world, I do feel it when friends are shopping with their daughters, and doing mum & daughter stuff. I never had a third, I am almost positive I would have had another boy. And that would have been fine, but yes I understand those pangs. Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 15/05/2022 12:47

mum of 3ds here. No you aren’t terrible but you may have been sucked into the societal fetishisation of girls.

get really obeservant of adult mum and daughter relationships - some like yours and mine have great relationship with dd . Quite a lot dont. Or the reality is different to what you might expect.
Then take note of adult son and parent relationships- ds are equally as likely to be the caring ones as the dd .

honestly , now,I look at friends with teenage dd and I think there’s a reason I had Boys and not girls!

Original poster
SonSonSon · 15/05/2022 12:51

I think what makes it worse I am an only child after my DM having three miscarriages, she desperately wanted another child. Couldn’t give a hoot about the sex.

I am not very close to any women, I’m not massively close to my mum or nana, nor my female cousins. I don’t have many female friends, I moved schools in high school and many of my ‘friends’ dropped me & I never managed to make new ones in the new school. I always wished for a sister, always. Could it be that I want a female who I can have a genuine loving relationship with?

I don’t believe in gender stereotypes either, I hate the let boys be boys lark. I don’t believe in a daughter is a daughter all her life, a son is a son until he gets a wife. I don’t know what it is and why I feel this pain. I wish I didn’t feel like this.

Maybe I will feel the relief if/when I have a granddaughter.

OP posts:
gracedentssketty · 15/05/2022 12:56

I hear you. I have no advice really, I just sympathise.

I have two young boys. I’d like a girl as well but I’m mid 40’s and DH doesn’t want another

heldinadream · 15/05/2022 12:58

Honestly you are totally allowed to have these feelings but you need help managing them and coming to terms with what life's dealt you. I would totally recommend therapy for this - and I'd suggest a female therapist will probably help in a way a male possibly couldn't. The thing is, in a good therapeutic relationship you get to fully explore and air all the nuances of the feelings without being judged. And to grieve. And be supported. At the moment you feel bad for having the feelings which makes it all ten times worse and now you're having your nose rubbed in it. So sorry OP. Flowers

Cait73 · 15/05/2022 13:00

Although you may very well crave a daughter it's probably more a case of wanting what we don't have, which is human nature

With children you get what you're given, trying to reason your way out of that will stress you out BIG time - you need to accept you have been blessed with 3 happy healthy children

Zippidy123 · 15/05/2022 13:00

Maybe I will feel the relief if/when I have a granddaughter thats just transferring this to your sons (even if you never breath a word of it to them they might pick up a vibe that you want a granddaughter).

I think counselling might be the way forward. I have one DS, we couldn't have anymore. It was painful at the time but you just have to put these things behind you and move on with life. I'm incredibly grateful for what I've got, as I'm sure you are too. Boys are ace! I bet if your DSs marry one day you'll be a great MIL to your DIL as you'll want to nurture the relationship.

sjxoxo · 15/05/2022 13:02

Maybe I’m a weirdo for feeling as I do- maybe will offer you another perspective- I have just had my first baby (boy). I was disappointed when I found out he wasn’t a she but of course love him regardless. Now; after being a pregnant woman, a working pregnant woman, a married pregnant woman, and then a woman in labour, and then a mum and a wife.. do you know what I think now.. this world doesn’t deserve my daughter. I don’t think I’ll have a second because she might be a she, and women are treated like crap still. Less pay, less rights, less respect, less opportunity. I am grateful to my mum who is a staunch feminist but the truth is even in 2022 the world is crappy if you’re a woman. The latest shitshow from the US aswell is terrifying, as is the subtle erosion of womens rights. So in my opinion, the world doesn’t deserve my daughter!!! As I said maybe im a weirdo but that’s my 50p’s worth of thoughts. I hope you find some closure whatever that looks like for you Xox

UpendedPineapple · 15/05/2022 13:04

I get it, I really do.

I'm close to my DM. But my 2 SIL are also very close to my DM and much more so than their own mothers. All GC are adored equally and she has a great relationship with them.

So it maybe DIL's you have that relationship with in the future, but it's entirely natural to feel like you do now.

OhForGoodnessSake1 · 15/05/2022 13:17

Roselilly36 · 15/05/2022 12:39

I get it OP, I am a mum to two DS’s that are now grown up, I absolutely love them to bits and I wouldn’t change them for the world, I do feel it when friends are shopping with their daughters, and doing mum & daughter stuff. I never had a third, I am almost positive I would have had another boy. And that would have been fine, but yes I understand those pangs. Flowers

This is me too - 2 sons I love dearly but I knew 2 was our limit. I deliberately didn't find out the sex of DS2 as I knew if I was told boy, I'd be disappointed while once he was here he would be him and I'd love him whatever (which is what happened ... but it doesn't stop that niggling disappointment). I look at jewellry which my mum and aunt passed to me and am sad there's no-one to pass it no to. I just hope the next generation will have some girls! I also have a god-daughter which helps :)

Pamlar · 15/05/2022 13:27

I think lots of mother's feel the same way and don't like to admit or talk about it bc as you say it feels ungrateful and unkind to all those who have suffered with loss and infertility.
I do think you should talk to a counsellor and work out how to cope with the very painful longing you feel

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/05/2022 13:27

Let me firstly tell you. YOU ARE NOT A HORRIFIC PERSON by any stretch of the imagination. Envy is only a natural reaction when someone gets what you want.
The thing that is winding me up (and yes fair enough not my circus nor my monkeys) but. Are all the comments such as 'Finally a girl'. That to me is highly demeaningful to her boys.

Hbh17 · 15/05/2022 13:31

The mother-daughter relationship CAN be one of the most difficult of all - just awful. So don't fall for all the stereotypes about having a girl.

DangerouslyBored · 15/05/2022 13:32

Dailyfailcanfeckoff · 15/05/2022 12:47

mum of 3ds here. No you aren’t terrible but you may have been sucked into the societal fetishisation of girls.

get really obeservant of adult mum and daughter relationships - some like yours and mine have great relationship with dd . Quite a lot dont. Or the reality is different to what you might expect.
Then take note of adult son and parent relationships- ds are equally as likely to be the caring ones as the dd .

honestly , now,I look at friends with teenage dd and I think there’s a reason I had Boys and not girls!

This is v true. I have a poor relationship with my mother, as does my sister. My DH has an incredible relationship with his mother. My nephew and my sister (his mum) are best friends, he’s 22. I’m pregnant with a boy and was overjoyed when I discovered as I was having a son, I honestly didn’t want to have a girl.

Itsmemaggie · 15/05/2022 13:35

I think it’s great that you recognise your feelings on this and how destructive those feelings are. I suspect the not having female friendships or other close female relationships probably does influence the desire for a daughter. I have 3 sons and not particularly close female friends, a tense relationship with my mum and think I’ve gone the other way in worrying that if I had a daughter I’d mess it up completely.

MrsMingech · 15/05/2022 13:56

At the very least, know that you are far from abnormal and there is nothing wrong with you.

Its a common feeling, I know a couple of women who wouldn't want a third child unless they could guarantee a girl. And both had to really overcome their feelings when pregnant with a second boy.

Its almost like you're feeling a grief for something that's imagined and longed for but will not necessarily occur.

Hallyup89 · 15/05/2022 14:48

Girls are certainly not all they're cracked up to be (I have 5, two are currently screaming at each other), but I know that doesn't really help how you feel. The ideal is often far from the reality.

I'm the other way around, I lost my only boy at 21 weeks pregnant and think you're blessed.

IrishMama2015 · 15/05/2022 14:56

OP I feel the same as you. I come from a family of females, with matriarchal figure heads, I adore my DM and am a real 'woman's woman'. I am disappointed I won't get to have that mother daughter relationship myself with a daughter. I adore my 2 DS but when my DSis had girls I was so envious. I try to spoil them and bond with them so maybe they will provide that female companionship in my old age! I do not get on with my MIL and my only SIL, both only girls in their generations, who are very much bitchy anti female women

JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:04

My only advice is that I'm the daughter of a mother who wanted a girl. My elder brother was obviously a son. What my mother wanted and what she got were incongruent. I suspect that she thought that I would be a mini-me, a doll, something to dress up. What she got was a girl who adored her Daddy and didn't like her as she put me in frilly dresses and I wasn't allowed to play as I would get dirt of my fucking frilly bastard itchy dress. I adored my Dad, I was possibly a defiant little thing and she saw this as a personal affront. The whole shambles descended into a horrific childhood for me. I was not a compliant little thing. She was cruel, possessive, controlling and nasty. I was not a doll. I was a human lol. She didn't bank on that.

missypissy · 15/05/2022 15:04

@IrishMama2015

Same here. A long line of strong females. Nan, mother, sisters, female cousins whom I all adore. We are very close knit, all womens women advocating for womens rights etc. I really, really wanted a girl and was lucky enough to have one.

There is always a daughter in law to cherish in the future, done right is a special thing too. I also get on with my mother in law.

JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:04

Be careful what you wish for!

missypissy · 15/05/2022 15:08

@JetTail

That is a shame your mother was like that. I wanted a girl for the reasons stated above, because getting the chance to raise a strong female with her own sense of self is a privilege.

For me it was never about pink, frilly dresses infact my daughter hates shopping which I’m quite pleased about. I appreciate what you mean though. Some women might get sucked into that.

Obviously I adore my sons too and raising them has also been a pleasure. My husband always wanted a son funnily enough.

IrishMama2015 · 15/05/2022 15:09

@missypissy I hope I get it right if I'm lucky enough to have DIL in the future and DGD! In the meantime I'll continue to torment my two young DS with feminist training 😂