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Original poster

Baby girl ‘triggers’ - what can I do?

95 replies

SonSonSon · 15/05/2022 12:21

‘Triggers’ is the only way I can describe them & I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do.
I have three sons, they are amazing. I want a daughter, I want to have three sons and a daughter. My heart pains for it, I really wish I could flick a magic button and make it happen.
DS’s friends mum has just announced she is having a fourth child, a baby girl after 3 boys and the comments are sickening me. “I’m glad you’ve got your girl” “finally” “about time” “Get buying pink” “aww what you wanted”. I literally feel overcome with jealousy and it’s vile.
I feel like a horrific person, there are people out there who can’t have children or have had miscarriages or lost babies or many, many horrendous situations I can’t even begin to understand and I am so SO sad. What is wrong with me?
Even if we tried for another baby I know it would be a boy as I don’t seem to get ‘what I want’ (I know it sounds so childish) and the comments about four boys would send me over the edge, I think.
How do I find private therapy for this? I can’t talk to anyone about it - had a cry to DH last night but even he doesn’t know the extent of my thoughts. I can’t go on like this, how long will it last - the rest of my life?!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/05/2022 14:14

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/05/2022 20:06

Many men really want a son so perhaps a similar drive there

i’ve discussed this with dh. Again it seems to boil down to stereotypes, men want a son to play football or rugby with, take to the pub when old enough. They think they will have nothing in common with a girl who of course will love shopping and make up.

dh isn’t into football at all, he’s the ubiquitous cycling fan. He also loves fashion and art. So for him girl/boy didn’t matter, as his interests aren’t sterotypically gendered.

It's not so much stereotypes but more about being drawn to our own sex- I have no idea what it's like to be male, I therefore would likely feel closer to daughters in a different way.
Also on the whole males hang out with males and females with females- not exclusively or entirely but there's definitely some truth to it.

JetTail · 19/05/2022 15:26

contrary13 · 19/05/2022 14:09

"It makes me smile, when people say, oh you can still go shopping, have lunch out with your son, etc, there is nothing you can’t do with a son that you could do with a daughter. My two sons are 20 & 19, I wouldn’t even suggest going shopping, as I know without a doubt the answer would be no, and they would look at me like I had just lost my mind for even suggesting something so mad 😂 lunch out? No mum let’s order a delivery 😂. I would like to know where these sons are that love to shop, eat & have cocktails with mum!"

My son is 17 and whilst he insists on take-out and something on a streaming site on a weekly basis with me - he does enjoy a good shop and lunch out with his Nan (my mother) every now and then. Having said that, my daughter's 26... and although she lives in my home, we spend maybe 5 or 10 minutes together a day (during which she rants and I mentally try not to ask her to leave so that I can have some peace) - and she no longer spends any time with my parents because they stopped caving to her every whim. My son and I are far closer (daily debriefs on his education, dating "problems", "Mum, what do I do...?!" situations, and he helps me cook a couple of times a week, even bakes with me). The last time I suggested a cinema "date" with my daughter, she looked at me as if I'd grown another head and sneered. My son and I went instead and had a great time.

As I said before, my grandmother wasted appreciating what she had (3 smart, funny, brave sons) and then tried to appropriate me when I came along, purely because I was born with female genitalia. And she got upset because I loathed wearing dresses, having my hair done, anything frilly and staying out of the mud. Essentially, I was - to her mind - like another boy... and although I know without any doubts that she loved me, I know she was disappointed I wasn't "a girly girl".

Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

I think your last paragraph is exactly what my mother wanted too. And she got me! JAZZ HANDS!

I think that children take their strength from you. Say for example you go into a new environment for them as little ones. They will hold your hand and maybe be a little bit shy until they take your cues. If you're comfortable, they're reassured and they begin to explore. Then their little personalities soar. That's all you can do as a mother. Just support them to fly.

JetTail · 19/05/2022 15:32

It's just how I've parented. I never gave limitations to what she could or should say or how she needed to behave. No rules. Time-out? At 3, I'm pretty sure my dd spent at least 3 minutes a week there (probably more lol). But who she was was not never questioned or contained. She was encouraged to be just who she is. It's a difficult one as she is a little bit fearsome lol. I've reared a child who questions me on everything. But she is entirely herself. Never contained. Never changed. Never punished for who she is.

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JetTail · 19/05/2022 15:33

I was punished. I was not allowed to think. I was not allowed to do. I was a fucking doll. Didn't work out!

Badqueen · 19/05/2022 15:49

This could be tied to your childhood and not being close to your mum. I have two boys. I used to desperately want a girl (now i don't want any more of either sex). Boys were highly prized in my wider family, they were all golden boys regardless of how stupid, lazy or nasty they were. Girls were always second best, regardless of how nice, kind, caring and accomodating they were. I think i wanted a girl in order to make her feel important as i wish id been made to feel important when i was a child. To raise her the way i wish id been raised. I adore my boys, and I'll never have a little girl but i do think if id had one it might have fixed something inside me. Or i might have just realised sooner that a baby is a baby, regardless of its sex. It was actually good for me to have boys though because i had no preconceptions about what my relationship with boy children might be like because i hadn't given it the hours and hours of thought that id put into what a girl would be like.

I had a shit load of therapy to deal with my feelings of inadequacy connected to my childhood and it absolutely helped. Look for a properly qualified therapist near you through the BACP register. You'll be waiting years for nhs treatment so if you can afford at least a few sessions it should help.

Reallyreallyborednow · 19/05/2022 16:36

I was punished. I was not allowed to think. I was not allowed to do. I was a fucking doll. Didn't work out!

actually, this just made me think.

the perception that girls are “easier” until teenage years when hormones are blamed for everything.

this was me, if you ask my mum. I was expected to be utterly compliant, dressed how I was told, behave like I was told, be a decorative, polite little girl. Which I was.

I hit teenage years and realised that my mum wasn’t always right, the clothes she was dressing me in weren’t what my friends liked, that I didn’t agree with some of her views, that the way I was treated was stifling and being a meek little doll wasn’t living.

when I tried to voice this, I got told it was my “hormones” and completely dismissed. If I was upset over something- hormones. Not once did anyone think to ask whether my issues were valid.

so yeah, now I really hate this “hormonal teenage girls” narrative.

JetTail · 19/05/2022 16:46

Reallyreallyborednow · 19/05/2022 16:36

I was punished. I was not allowed to think. I was not allowed to do. I was a fucking doll. Didn't work out!

actually, this just made me think.

the perception that girls are “easier” until teenage years when hormones are blamed for everything.

this was me, if you ask my mum. I was expected to be utterly compliant, dressed how I was told, behave like I was told, be a decorative, polite little girl. Which I was.

I hit teenage years and realised that my mum wasn’t always right, the clothes she was dressing me in weren’t what my friends liked, that I didn’t agree with some of her views, that the way I was treated was stifling and being a meek little doll wasn’t living.

when I tried to voice this, I got told it was my “hormones” and completely dismissed. If I was upset over something- hormones. Not once did anyone think to ask whether my issues were valid.

so yeah, now I really hate this “hormonal teenage girls” narrative.

I was 14 when I first stood up to my mother. And I'm not going into that as it was violence towards me. I was told that it was my 'hormones'. How fucking utterly horrible to declare your daughter's thoughts as 'hormones'?

JetTail · 19/05/2022 16:50

I had two parents. Two warring parents. Or rather, one antichrist and a meek father.

My story is so fucking ridiculous that nobody would believe it.

The antichrist has my daughter.

JetTail · 19/05/2022 16:51

And I will never be sane as a result. She took the person I loved the most. As punishment.

Wishiwaschilled · 19/05/2022 17:09

You can't help how you feel but what always makes me really sad is that these threads are never about wanting boys, they're ALWAYS about wanting girls.

Why are girls preferred so much?

Then people always pipe up about sparkly dresses, dance classes, lunches and having your nails done. It's almost like they want a doll to dress and a friend for life rather than to raise an actual human being to adulthood.

JetTail · 19/05/2022 17:16

Wishiwaschilled · 19/05/2022 17:09

You can't help how you feel but what always makes me really sad is that these threads are never about wanting boys, they're ALWAYS about wanting girls.

Why are girls preferred so much?

Then people always pipe up about sparkly dresses, dance classes, lunches and having your nails done. It's almost like they want a doll to dress and a friend for life rather than to raise an actual human being to adulthood.

Because the Dad's are happy.

Overtheanvil · 19/05/2022 17:17

@Reallyreallyborednow

Judging from your posts your mother simply just didn’t allow you to essentially be your own person. Did she have a son? I know mothers who were similar and their sons were either golden boys or also never lived up to her expectations.

Whilst both my teens can be hormonal (son and daughter) my daughters moods are more noticeable particularly just before she is due on. In that sense it’s easier because i always know when she’s due on because she’s regular.

Overtheanvil · 19/05/2022 17:20

To be honest I wanted daughters and I wanted sons. I was lucky enough to have both. It was nothing to do with stereotypes I’m just greedy and like to have it all 😂.

Puffalicious · 19/05/2022 17:27

OP I was the exact opposite. With 2 boys I was dreading DC3 being a girl. I was really freaked out by the idea, actually. I think it was, perhaps, my body and hormones preparing me for DS3. I'm not a girly girl and it really suits me having boys. They're typical, rugby-playing boys, but DC1(almost 18) and I are very close and I can't imagine not being able to do most things with him I'd do with a dd.

My best friend has 3 girls- who I'm very close to- and her house is just mental in a very different way than mine is mental. I'm not sure I could do it as well as she does and she says vice versa.

Try and embrace who your boys are.

Ledkr · 19/05/2022 17:32

I am so pleased you have had such a kind response on here.
I felt just like you with my 3ds I felt consumed with jealousy and would feel such relief if someone had a boy and not a girl. I was so ashamed and couldn't tell anyone about hie I felt.
Its such an awful feeling.
I did end up having two girls much later in life and although I'm obviously thrilled it does mean I'll be about 100 before I am child free and I agree they aren't easy either.
I had a huge age gap of 12 years because I was worried about having another boy so thought I'd be so.pleased with a baby it wouldn't matter.

Reallyreallyborednow · 19/05/2022 18:40

Judging from your posts your mother simply just didn’t allow you to essentially be your own person

i don’t think that’s unusual with girls though. Girls are socialised to be compliant, then one day they start challenging that and that’s when they become “hormonal”. Boys tend to be given greater independence and it’s more acceptable for them to challenge their parents early on- hence the little boys are trouble- so it’s not a shock to the system.

yes hormones may amplify a teenage girls feelings, but it doesn’t make those feelings less valid. For me the hormones probably meant I couldn’t keep things bottled up at certain times- it just meant I wasn’t suppressing them so much.

i think we still have a way to go unpicking all this gender shit.

Overtheanvil · 19/05/2022 19:40

I think you need therapy. It IS unusual to parent in such a narcissistic way, your experience really wasn’t and isn’t the norm. I know plenty of mothers with girls and they don’t teach a level of compliance, infact quite the opposite.

I have both sexes and would never dream of parenting in that way, they are all individuals, not an extension of myself. I don’t get too hung up on stereotypical activities either. One of my sons plays football, the other doesn’t… one of my girls dances the other doesn’t, one girl boxes etc etc!!

Worldwide2 · 19/05/2022 21:48

@JetTail Sorry but why does your mum have your daughter? Obviously you don't have to answer.

bagsforlife20 · 19/05/2022 21:55

you know that logically, there’s no way to guarantee you’ll have a daughter unless you adopt. If you try for another child, you will have to be happy with either gender as the child shouldn’t feel any resentment. Therefore it doesn’t seem the right time for you to try for another. You need to let the dust settle and maybe speak to someone about how you’re feeling

orchidsunrise · 19/05/2022 22:00

Op check out @thegdpsychologist on Instagram, she posts about gender disappointment and has a private practice

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