Baby girl ‘triggers’ - what can I do?

[SonSonSon]

‘Triggers’ is the only way I can describe them & I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do.
I have three sons, they are amazing. I want a daughter, I want to have three sons and a daughter. My heart pains for it, I really wish I could flick a magic button and make it happen.
DS’s friends mum has just announced she is having a fourth child, a baby girl after 3 boys and the comments are sickening me. “I’m glad you’ve got your girl” “finally” “about time” “Get buying pink” “aww what you wanted”. I literally feel overcome with jealousy and it’s vile.
I feel like a horrific person, there are people out there who can’t have children or have had miscarriages or lost babies or many, many horrendous situations I can’t even begin to understand and I am so SO sad. What is wrong with me?
Even if we tried for another baby I know it would be a boy as I don’t seem to get ‘what I want’ (I know it sounds so childish) and the comments about four boys would send me over the edge, I think.
How do I find private therapy for this? I can’t talk to anyone about it - had a cry to DH last night but even he doesn’t know the extent of my thoughts. I can’t go on like this, how long will it last - the rest of my life?!

I can totally empathise OP. I have 4 sons & was as you describe between DS3 & DS4. Something tragic happened when I was pregnant with DS3 that helped me put things in perspective. A good friend & colleague was pregnant at the same time. She had 2 DDs, I obviously had 2 DSs. We joked we'd swap if she had another DD & I had another DS. Her DD came at 26 weeks and survived 2 days. DS3 came at full term and is a beautiful healthy young man. 3 years later, I had DS4. My friend had numerous miscarriages. Sadly, the friendship didn't survive.

I love getting to know DSs' girlfriends, I have good relationships with friends' daughters. I hope to have a granddaughter, or granddaughters one day.

I hope this helps

I had a girl after two boys and very much appreciate having both, the boys are easier in some ways as dd is quite strong willed

I don’t know what the answer is but I think it’s quite common to want to experience having a dd as a mother

For starters you can’t guide your son through a pregnancy like you would an adult daughter

my own mum was pretty shit at guiding me through pregnancy. He first words on finding out were you’ve got time to do something about it still.

I soon found out her understanding of the whole process is severely lacking. For some reason she thinks birth is two hours from start to finish, she had very fast births so thinks thats normal for everyone. When I had to have a c-section she genuinely thought I was dying. Post op she went on and on about how I should ask the doctors whether I should still look so bloated, why my stomach hadn’t gone down, and I should ask them to look at my stitched and do something about that overhang as it won’t look good in a bikini.

as for breastfeeding, don’t even go there. She thinks it’s disgusting, unhygienic and unscientific and bottle feeding should be the norm.

and you absolutely can guide a son through pregnancy. What he needs to do, what the process will be and how he can best support the mother of his child.

I think in RL, loads of people have a sex preference or a longing for the other sex if they have one or more of the other, so I don't think you are a horrific person at all.
Theres only one way to find out if counselling will help, and thats to try it.

Thankyou all, I genuinely feel lighter getting this off my chest.
if you knew me, you wouldn’t (I hope) realise I felt like this. I’m not a loud and proud #boymom but an ‘how lucky am I to have three beautiful children’ mum. And I do believe that, but it doesn’t help. Almost like a grief which is insane.
I don’t have expectations of a girl really, I am not really a girly girl myself. My boys are strong willed so I am not expecting a dainty doll that’s for sure, I don’t know what the source of the ‘want’ is - that’s the problem! It’s not logical.
Maybe it is wanting what I can’t or don’t have, I am a jealous person in general. Always wanting a nicer car, or house, etc. When on paper we are doing pretty well for ourselves, not rich by any means but nice house, above average pay jobs. God knows, I wish I knew, I could then change it.

@Reallyreallyborednow

That is a shame your mum was like that.

I can’t say I had the same experience. My mums guidance in all three of my pregnancies and births was very helpful to me.

op I had similar feeling before dd, it’s quite deep seated and it’s hard to explain or rationalise

Yeah, my mum didn’t really guide me through pregnancy either. I guided myself, I guide her through most things too. I’ve been looking after my parents since I was a child (which as an only child isn’t great!).

I felt a bit like this finding out we were having a second boy. It's just this sadness that you'll never get to buy beautiful dresses and twinkly shoes or do traditionally girly things or teach a young woman about all the wonderful strong women. I put a lot of time into really examining this and why I felt that way and realised it was mostly other people telling me I should feel that way and actually I didn't feel that way on my own. My mum was the worst for it - she made it sound like she was so clever for having one of each.

It really helped me to challenge people when they came out with that guff. Realistically there are far more reasons logically it's better to have all the same sex and the only reason to have a mix that's not based on internalised misogyny is trying one of each. Why that helps I don't know as they're all their own people anyway. Making other people realise they're being illogical helps build that feeling that it's ok to be happy not having a girl because you stop getting so much reinforcement of your own irrational beliefs.

Maybe start by clearing your social media of the stupid comments others are making by muting the idiots?

Maybe it's to do with life experiences. My mum was a young single parent and struggled with money, and I've ended up in the exact same situation. I'm glad I had a boy, life is easier for men.

It's ok to feel like that. You acknowledge it, you grieve for what you have lost (and it is almost a loss - it's the loss of a dream I suppose) and then you move on.
You look to the future and try to ensure that you're a brilliant MIL to any future DILs and you have to just try to accept that it was not meant to be.

Not all of us can be busy rearing mine-arseholes lol.
The idea of a little girl is fabulous. I live opposite a school and I see little girls in such pretty little outfits all the time and I love watching them. So cute. But little girls in my experience are far fiercer and more independent than little boys. It's like 'do not be fooled by my bows in my hair - I'm a fearsome madam and you will regret messing with me!!" My job as a mother to my daughter was to tame her somewhat lol while also trying to allow her to channel her inner strength appropriately.
Look forward to the daughter in laws (or perhaps SILs!!!) you will have in your life. Sometimes, a girl will not be close to her own Mum and will look for guidance from her boyfriend's Mum.

You're a mother first and foremost and that is the most important thing in the world. It's a thankless task at times and is very much a labour of love.

I know that you miss the little baby girl that you have dreamed of. I know that. I hear the pain in how you describe it. It's ok to feel that. But there is so much to look forward to and so much to do with your sons. Don't grieve too long.

I really think talking things through with a therapist would be hugely helpful op.

You have touched on lacking that positive female role in your life and that could be a big driver for your feelings now.

I didn't have a boy/girl preference but I did desperately want a fourth child. After three miscarriages I never conceived again and that was that. I had an awful childhood and being a good Mum to my kids is the most important thing to me. If nature had let me, I would have carried on popping them out

Now I do some sewing with two little girls from a very large family every weekend and feed them toasties and hot chocolate. I also look after my baby niece a lot and both of those things have brought me joy.

Yes, I seem to come from a long line of strong women. Or arseholes haha.

I feel your pain. I have 3 boys, and not saying I'm disappointed with my boys at all, but I will always pine for the daughter I'll never have. We can't have anymore, we couldn't afford one, nor do we have the room! I just hope for granddaughters in the future 😂

Just to come at it from another side, I really wanted a daughter. I have a poor relationship with my mum. I have good friends who are women, but I also wonder if I wanted a daughter to have the relationship I never had with mine.

Yes @speedcam ive actually never thought of it like this before but because of my relationship with my mum (& other women) do I want to build one with a daughter. I’ve never felt really safe or taken care of, ever.
I see so many toxic traits in myself turning into my mum that it scares me.
But that’s a whole other story - I think I do need therapy. I need to at least try.

I always wanted a daughter because my relationship with my own mum has been a positive influence on my life.

For some women I think it’s a primal desire which is not rational. Still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though.

Many men really want a son so perhaps a similar drive there.

I didn't care each time at the birth of each son, but it's been a blessing in disguise having all sons as they have been spared shit gynaecological issues that I have in life, will never have to split hairs on how long to be off on maternity leave, dwell on career options etc. Having all same sex siblings means there's a solidarity there between them which I am envious of as I only had a brother growing up. We had little in common until adulthood.

OP you have to look at all the upsides of your situation. Comparison really is the thief of joy. Look on the bright side you don't have any weddings to pay for!🤣

I'm in the opposite situation OP. I've always wanted boys and felt a kind of pity for anyone who has all girls. Of course, I now have a girl and (I strongly suspect, only 13 weeks) another on the way.

Of course I love my DD with all my heart and will love another just the same, but I can't help but feel this sense of loss. Also envy for my friends with boys - which unhelpfully seems to be most of them! I know it's wrong to feel this way, I'm so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy daughter and hopefully another on the way. But the heart wants what the heart wants right? It's better to acknowledge these feelings I think.

I'm also trying hard to unpick this, for the sake of my own happiness and my daughters'. I don't know what the root of it is for me. I have a close relationship with my own mum. As a child I always wanted to be a boy and for some reason have this deeply ingrained notion that boys are 'better' but I have no idea where it's come from. I work with children and find boys generally much more straightforward and appealing. I often find girls quite irritating and have little in common with them, which I know is an awful thing to say. I'm trying hard to work through it. I really hope that I can so I can really enjoy this pregnancy (probably my last) properly, and life with my girls.

Many men really want a son so perhaps a similar drive there

i’ve discussed this with dh. Again it seems to boil down to stereotypes, men want a son to play football or rugby with, take to the pub when old enough. They think they will have nothing in common with a girl who of course will love shopping and make up.

dh isn’t into football at all, he’s the ubiquitous cycling fan. He also loves fashion and art. So for him girl/boy didn’t matter, as his interests aren’t sterotypically gendered.

@Reallyreallyborednow

My brother has 3 girls and really wants a boy. He doesn’t like football. It’s great you and your husband don’t have any desires for a particular sex but some women/men do and they need their feelings validated.

Whilst gender stereotyping might be an issue for some people, that would be a logical reason for why they want a certain sex, however often it’s a desire that isn’t wholly rational. I believe there’s simply more to it other than a simplistic stereotyping.

It makes me smile, when people say, oh you can still go shopping, have lunch out with your son etc, there is nothing you can’t do with a son that you could do with a daughter. My two sons are 20 & 19, I wouldn’t even suggest going shopping, as I know without doubt the answer would be no, and they would look at me like I had just lost my mind for even suggesting something so mad 😂 lunch out? No mum let’s order a delivery 😂. I would like to know where these sons are that love to shop, eat & have cocktails with mum!

DS1 gf has recently had a spa day, DS2 said oh that sounds nice, going to a posh spa, I said immediately we could go together I will book one if you like, no thanks mum 😂 but it’s lovely for girls though!

I had a great relationship with my late MIL so I am hoping for lovely DIL’s that like shopping, lunch, cocktails etc. Can’t wait, meeting DS1 gf this weekend for the first time.

@Roselilly36

Often said by those with young boys.

"It makes me smile, when people say, oh you can still go shopping, have lunch out with your son, etc, there is nothing you can’t do with a son that you could do with a daughter. My two sons are 20 & 19, I wouldn’t even suggest going shopping, as I know without a doubt the answer would be no, and they would look at me like I had just lost my mind for even suggesting something so mad 😂 lunch out? No mum let’s order a delivery 😂. I would like to know where these sons are that love to shop, eat & have cocktails with mum!"

My son is 17 and whilst he insists on take-out and something on a streaming site on a weekly basis with me - he does enjoy a good shop and lunch out with his Nan (my mother) every now and then. Having said that, my daughter's 26... and although she lives in my home, we spend maybe 5 or 10 minutes together a day (during which she rants and I mentally try not to ask her to leave so that I can have some peace) - and she no longer spends any time with my parents because they stopped caving to her every whim. My son and I are far closer (daily debriefs on his education, dating "problems", "Mum, what do I do...?!" situations, and he helps me cook a couple of times a week, even bakes with me). The last time I suggested a cinema "date" with my daughter, she looked at me as if I'd grown another head and sneered. My son and I went instead and had a great time.

As I said before, my grandmother wasted appreciating what she had (3 smart, funny, brave sons) and then tried to appropriate me when I came along, purely because I was born with female genitalia. And she got upset because I loathed wearing dresses, having my hair done, anything frilly and staying out of the mud. Essentially, I was - to her mind - like another boy... and although I know without any doubts that she loved me, I know she was disappointed I wasn't "a girly girl".

Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Ds 17 prefers to do his own clothes shopping online and fair enough - it’s far easier. He has brands he prefers etc like I do (plus I usually shop online too)

He enjoys a meal out though with the family so no great difference

I do feel close to the Ds as I do dd but I guess when they have their families (if they do) I’ll see what happens. I want to be open to how they want it to be rather than get stressed out if it’s not equal etc