Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Baby girl ‘triggers’ - what can I do?

95 replies

SonSonSon · 15/05/2022 12:21

‘Triggers’ is the only way I can describe them & I know I need help, but I don’t know what to do.
I have three sons, they are amazing. I want a daughter, I want to have three sons and a daughter. My heart pains for it, I really wish I could flick a magic button and make it happen.
DS’s friends mum has just announced she is having a fourth child, a baby girl after 3 boys and the comments are sickening me. “I’m glad you’ve got your girl” “finally” “about time” “Get buying pink” “aww what you wanted”. I literally feel overcome with jealousy and it’s vile.
I feel like a horrific person, there are people out there who can’t have children or have had miscarriages or lost babies or many, many horrendous situations I can’t even begin to understand and I am so SO sad. What is wrong with me?
Even if we tried for another baby I know it would be a boy as I don’t seem to get ‘what I want’ (I know it sounds so childish) and the comments about four boys would send me over the edge, I think.
How do I find private therapy for this? I can’t talk to anyone about it - had a cry to DH last night but even he doesn’t know the extent of my thoughts. I can’t go on like this, how long will it last - the rest of my life?!

OP posts:
JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:11

I have a daughter also. We were very very close. Until 14. Now, she barely tolerates me.

My aunt (my favourite aunt) had three boys. She now has three DILs and four grandchildren, only one of whom is a little girl. She adores all of them. She reared 3 fabulous sons and has the luxury of being a devoted and very loved grandmother.

User48751490 · 15/05/2022 15:11

I have four sons but didn't mind each time. I just see it as you get what you are given. What's meant for you won't go by you....

You were meant to only have boys for a reason. If you look at it any other way you will just torment yourself which isn't fair on yourself 💐

LetitiaLeghorn · 15/05/2022 15:16

If this is really causing you problems and you have enough money, you could go to the US for IVF and pick your baby's sex. Admittedly it's drastic, and expensive, but it would be a solution.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

ElmtreeMama · 15/05/2022 15:16

The world needs more good men, so well done you got hopefully raising 3 more!

JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:17

Little girls are probably not quite what you expect! I myself, and my daughter are defiant, opinionated and argumentative. I think little boys love their Mums. In general (only in my limited experience), boys are closer to their Mums. Girls, again, in general, adore their Dads.

Thank God for your lovely sons. Rear them well. And in time, you will have lovely daughter-in-laws and maybe a little grand-daughter who will adore you (while she's busy trying to be boss of the house and wrapping her Daddy around her little finger) 🤔

chubbachub · 15/05/2022 15:21

I have 2 boys and 1 baby girl.

I was the opposite and wasn't fussed either way and actually found the "are you hoping for a girl " etc comments frustrating as I didn't fantasise about a mother/daughter relationship the way some do. My own mother was awful to me, maybe that's why.

I love my boys. And I love my daughter. But it's the same love.
It's absolutely fine to feel the way you do, but you either need to take the chance and try for another baby that might be a girl, or accept what you have and make the most of it.
It wont change anything to dwell on or wish for something. Does your partner want to try again?

One of the mums at school at 2 boys and told everyone she was expecting again at 6 weeks, making everyone aware she wanted a girl this time. Fast forward to now, it's a boy. When I asked the gender and she told me a little boy, she immediately followed up with "we're going to try again for a girl after this one". It made me feel so sad because the little boy in her belly is already being looked over in hopes of getting a girl next time.

Agree with others about doing whatever it is you want to do with a daughter, with your boys. Imagine if they read this post and felt like you were never happy just with them and they weren't enough.

JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:21

missypissy · 15/05/2022 15:08

@JetTail

That is a shame your mother was like that. I wanted a girl for the reasons stated above, because getting the chance to raise a strong female with her own sense of self is a privilege.

For me it was never about pink, frilly dresses infact my daughter hates shopping which I’m quite pleased about. I appreciate what you mean though. Some women might get sucked into that.

Obviously I adore my sons too and raising them has also been a pleasure. My husband always wanted a son funnily enough.

Mine loved dresses. Pink. She was the opposite of me. She hated shopping until about 14 where it was a case of 'give me the fucking cash and get out of my face woman'. Lol. Very defiant, like my good self and wants to study law. I'm pretty sure law is an excellent choice as she is as argumentative as my lovely self. 😂

CheltenhamLady · 15/05/2022 15:26

I feel your pain, all mine are boys and I adore them all and have a great relationship with them all, but I would have absolutely loved a daughter.

BUT, my fabulous DIL is an only child and her relationship with her mother leaves her a nervous wreck, she is a high flyer, but it is never enough, she is a size 8/10, but according to her mum, she needs to watch her weight and so it goes on and on. Over the years her confidence has been eroded.

I am the opposite of her mother in all ways. We get on terrifically because of that, and I bolster her conference at every opportunity. I am jealous that her mother has had her all these years and yet treated her that way.

I can't offer any words of comfort, except to say that many of us have felt as you do.

missypissy · 15/05/2022 15:28

@JetTail

I expected my daughter to be all of those things you’ve just described. Headstrong, a little defiant
and definitely opinionated, and lo and behold she is (thankfully). I never expected a sweet little girl why would I? The females in my family you couldn’t ever describe as sweet or compliant.

I get what you’re saying with the “be careful what you wish for” but expectations are powerful and if you expect to have a shite relationship with your daughter then you might well do.

Of all the friends I have that don’t get on with their mothers (and they are in the minority) it’s because they felt like they were never good enough for their mothers or didn’t live up to their expectations in some way or another. To raise a daughter who has a strong sense of self that is completely different to your own is a pleasure.

I have two boys as well and I love them all the same I just count myself lucky I had the experience of raising both sons and a daughter. I guess this is what this thread was about. Validating the OPs feelings that it’s ok to feel this way.

ThreeLocusts · 15/05/2022 15:45

OP there's nothing wrong with you. You're pining for a close relationship with a fellow female, that is all. It's bad luck that your friend is celebrating the girl she's having while you have to deal with the absence of same from your life. Jealousy about reproductive outcomes is a dirty secret but I suspect it's not rare.

I was the opposite - I had a distant father and was desperate for a son. Of course children aren't about wish fulfilment or compensating for failed past relationships, but nobody can help this kind of longing. Doesn't mean I loved my daughters any less.

LannyLous · 15/05/2022 15:47

I was going to say the same as LetitiaLeghorn. If you have the money then why not consider gender selection?

JetTail · 15/05/2022 15:49

Yeah, it's different rearing girls I think. They will probably adore Daddy but you, are not a consideration. I am a single Mum so my dd adores her Grandad and her uncle (my brother). With girls, you need to give them wings. Because they are going to fly. I think little boys are more loyal perhaps. Girls just want you to enable them to fly the nest. Yes, they come back to you occasionally when they need advice, but that is on the basis that you do not attempt to 'mother' them. I'm glad I had a daughter. All I could do was nurture her defiance while still keeping her in check I suppose.

JetTail · 15/05/2022 16:00

I'm not English, but there is a very famous female in English history.

www.historic-uk.com/HistoryUK/HistoryofEngland/Boudica/

My favourite Meme from facebook is about rearing girls.

It has a photo of a woman wielding a spear with the caption 'Why rear a princess, when you can rear a warrior'.

contrary13 · 15/05/2022 16:03

Please don't transfer your desire for a daughter onto not only your son(s) - but also onto the granddaughter(s) you may, or equally may not, be fortunate enough to one day have. Why? Because it fucks them up!

My grandmother had 3 sons. Lost a daughter (twin to the 2nd son) in childbirth. Was very close to her own father. Fast forward a good few many years... and my parents get pregnant with me (Gran and my mother had a wary relationship as I have two older [half] brothers and this was the '70s... my mother is also someone who repels the term "family"). My father hoped for a daughter to replicate his (adored, then recently deceased) grandfather's relationship with my grandmother - whilst Gran was hoping I'd be a girl simply to fill that "I want a girl!" gap in her heart. Gran had these notions that she could dress me in frilly pink monstrosities... my mother insisted I wear jeans and jumpers, as I was the proverbial "tomboy". Gran wanted me to have perfect deportment... I walked like Charlie Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' until I was around 6 or 7. Gran expected me to be dainty with blonde hair and blue eyes... I was a sturdy little thing with black hair and brown eyes. The one plus is that I adored my Daddy, and did my utmost to be like him (so I'd throw myself off the Army assault course next to our house, rode horses without fear, and read voraciously). I was not the docile little surrogate daughter my Gran had hoped for - and I certainly wasn't going to be cajoled into being that.

I was very close to my Gran, but that was through her eventual realising that - as PPs have pointed out - that I'm a human being in my own right, not an extension of her (or, indeed, my parents), and definitely not a doll to play dress-up with. I can remember being taken shopping with her as a 4 or 5-year-old and having a stand-off because she wanted to buy me a frilly dress, which I hated even the thought of. And being told off for saying "no" and "I won't wear it" (I wouldn't even try it on). I remember being upset and feeling like my adored Gran didn't even know me - which no child should ever have to feel about anyone in their lives. But it was because she had sons and not the daughter that she wanted. I do wonder if my youngest uncle was only born in an effort to "replace" the daughter she and my grandfather lost at birth 18 months prior - and if she would have kept on trying, had his birth not almost killed her.

When my own daughter was born, there was a bit of a tussle between my grandmother and me over whether or not ballet lessons would be involved in my oldest's life... and yes, there were frilly dresses... but my daughter was the exact opposite of me as a child, and thrived on being perceived as "a girl". She's 26 now and still does. Ironically, though, I suspect that had my grandmother lived long enough to know my 17-year-old son... out of her two great-grandchildren? It would have been my son whom she would have preferred... because he's very like my Dad!

(The two girl cousins born after me were blonde, blue-eyed, and dainty... and my Gran quickly got fed up with their "girly" ness. So be careful what you (a) wish for and (b) might be discarding in the meantime because they're not what you think you want/need in your life!)

Georgeskitchen · 15/05/2022 16:06

Mother of 3 grown up sons. I love them to bits but even now when I hear of someone having a little girl I feel a slight flutter of jealousy, although I now have granddaughters which redressed the balance in a lovely way !!

JetTail · 15/05/2022 16:07

I watched a programme about Boudica/Budica on the History channel once. The Romans invaded some part of the south of England and they raped her two daughters. She launched a full scale attack on the Romans. Merciless. She was brilliant. I'm Irish and a lot of the protagonists in our history are women (Queen Meadhbh and Gráinne Mhaoil).

I think that if you expect your little girl to be dainty and nice - think again! You need to nurture their fierceness and their confidence. It's not what you might think a little baby girl will be. It's a battle of wills sometimes.

Not all little girls obviously. But my daughter and I are arseholes essentially. As a mother, you need to nurture their innate desires and strengths.

JetTail · 15/05/2022 16:12

contrary13 · 15/05/2022 16:03

Please don't transfer your desire for a daughter onto not only your son(s) - but also onto the granddaughter(s) you may, or equally may not, be fortunate enough to one day have. Why? Because it fucks them up!

My grandmother had 3 sons. Lost a daughter (twin to the 2nd son) in childbirth. Was very close to her own father. Fast forward a good few many years... and my parents get pregnant with me (Gran and my mother had a wary relationship as I have two older [half] brothers and this was the '70s... my mother is also someone who repels the term "family"). My father hoped for a daughter to replicate his (adored, then recently deceased) grandfather's relationship with my grandmother - whilst Gran was hoping I'd be a girl simply to fill that "I want a girl!" gap in her heart. Gran had these notions that she could dress me in frilly pink monstrosities... my mother insisted I wear jeans and jumpers, as I was the proverbial "tomboy". Gran wanted me to have perfect deportment... I walked like Charlie Chaplin's 'Little Tramp' until I was around 6 or 7. Gran expected me to be dainty with blonde hair and blue eyes... I was a sturdy little thing with black hair and brown eyes. The one plus is that I adored my Daddy, and did my utmost to be like him (so I'd throw myself off the Army assault course next to our house, rode horses without fear, and read voraciously). I was not the docile little surrogate daughter my Gran had hoped for - and I certainly wasn't going to be cajoled into being that.

I was very close to my Gran, but that was through her eventual realising that - as PPs have pointed out - that I'm a human being in my own right, not an extension of her (or, indeed, my parents), and definitely not a doll to play dress-up with. I can remember being taken shopping with her as a 4 or 5-year-old and having a stand-off because she wanted to buy me a frilly dress, which I hated even the thought of. And being told off for saying "no" and "I won't wear it" (I wouldn't even try it on). I remember being upset and feeling like my adored Gran didn't even know me - which no child should ever have to feel about anyone in their lives. But it was because she had sons and not the daughter that she wanted. I do wonder if my youngest uncle was only born in an effort to "replace" the daughter she and my grandfather lost at birth 18 months prior - and if she would have kept on trying, had his birth not almost killed her.

When my own daughter was born, there was a bit of a tussle between my grandmother and me over whether or not ballet lessons would be involved in my oldest's life... and yes, there were frilly dresses... but my daughter was the exact opposite of me as a child, and thrived on being perceived as "a girl". She's 26 now and still does. Ironically, though, I suspect that had my grandmother lived long enough to know my 17-year-old son... out of her two great-grandchildren? It would have been my son whom she would have preferred... because he's very like my Dad!

(The two girl cousins born after me were blonde, blue-eyed, and dainty... and my Gran quickly got fed up with their "girly" ness. So be careful what you (a) wish for and (b) might be discarding in the meantime because they're not what you think you want/need in your life!)

Wow! Almost word for word what I think!

Reallyreallyborednow · 15/05/2022 16:15

Ask yourself what you can do with a daughter you can’t do with a son.

i did this, and it occurred to me all my expectations were rooted in stereotypes. For instance I pictured myself taking a dd to ballet class as I love ballet. Then I thought why the fuck do I think I can’t do that with a boy? Male ballet dancers are amazing and boys in ballet should be encouraged.

even stranger I am not a female who follows stereotypes. I have a poor relationship with my mum as she wants a dd she can go shopping with, beauty appointments, furniture shops, wants me dressed in “nice” clothes with my hair and make up done. I hate all that!

in fact it’s dh that takes our girls shopping as he loves designer clothes and spending money. He has a much better sense of colour and style than I do.

imo it does come back to our expectations of girls vs boys- even here we’ve seen the boys are so loving, girls hormones are a nightmare shit trotted out. They are their own person, and we should be encouraging them to be that person and not fit into gender boxes. I’ve seen so many women not bond with their boys because boys are into football and dirt, leave that to dh while I take the girl shopping and buy pretty stuff…

JetTail · 15/05/2022 16:17

Girls are awesome but probably won't adore you. I genuinely think that little boys are fonder of their Mums. Girls, again, in my limited experience, are very fond of their Dad. It's like a woman to woman thing. They think 'honey - I didn't ask you to be born, so how about you just feed me until I'm good to go and fulfil my destiny as a fierce warrior!!!' Note: That might be just my daughter haha. I'm sure that there are kind, gentle, frilly-dress-loving placid angels. I'm not one and neither is my daughter lol.

JetTail · 15/05/2022 16:19

I'm sure that there are little girls though who are more placid and compliant. Mine isn't one.

missypissy · 15/05/2022 16:26

@JetTail

Arseholes 😂

My mother is Irish, and my Nan obviously and so on and so on. I am English though but we must have the fierce blood because me and my daughter are massive arseholes too 😂.

I do think despite gender stereotypes it absolutely is different raising boys and girls. For starters you can’t guide your son through a pregnancy like you would an adult daughter. Also if your daughter didn’t want babies you could be that person who told her that that was absolutely okay too! teaching daughters to smash through gender stereotypes and expectations is rewarding.

My daughter told me yesterday she certainly won’t be having any babies at all I replied with probably best not too 😂!!

cptartapp · 15/05/2022 16:30

I have two older teen boys, and what time has taught me is for us, two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome,
despite increasingly seeing friends with girls also in their late teens spend lots of time with their daughters in a way they don't with their sons. Yes shopping, cocktails, lunches out etc. sons can do this of course, but IME are far less likely to. Maybe the fact I'd rather watch a football match than have my nails done works in my favour.
A male thread interestingly, would read very differently. Stats show most men want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/05/2022 16:30

This isn’t unusual OP, I just think people don’t talk about it. I wanted a third after two girls but I didn’t want another girl. If I could have guaranteed a boy I’d have gone for it.

NessieMcNessface · 15/05/2022 16:33

My friend is mother to three sons. They all adore her and although grown up are constantly round at her house with their wives and girlfriends as they all live nearby. She has a great relationship with all the girls and is very grounded and sensible about things. For example when she had a grandchild she said she knew it was natural for her DIL to want to be with her Mum immediately after the birth and genuinely wasn’t jealous of the relationship they had. It’s true that she may miss out on some of the mother and daughter activities but the relationship she has with her sons is unbelievably close; I don’t think I’ve ever known a happier family.

missypissy · 15/05/2022 16:35

@NessieMcNessface

I have two sons as well as a daughter. I aspire to be like your friend. If my sons have children I know I may essentially take a back seat in favour of the maternal grandparents. It sounds like your friend is very grounded and realistic and is reaping the benefits for it with her adult sons.