Am I overreacting to this faintly misogynistic comment by friend's new husband?

[OperationMincemeat]

Should be in AIBU but too scared of that section! So putting it here.

I have a very close friend I have known since uni, part of a larger group of friends. Let's call her A. A has recently got married at 49 to a man I don't know well ( first marriage, child free). Let's call him B. At a recent lunch out with A, when discussing B's introversion and reluctance to socialise with the rest of us, she said " B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

This rubbed me the wrong way. Most of our group are in our late 40s and early 50s, so looking after teens, the elderly and so on. So no doubt our convos tend to the mundane at times. B, like most men, doesn't do any care giving and therefore doesn't need to bother his pretty little head about what to cook for dinner. I wanted to point this out but as she is so recently married, I shut up.

Is this misogynistic? Course B wasn't there.

From him leaving after 90 minutes! I think A should not have told us about it really and I might not have noticed! Is that odd or ok? Honestly I have forgotten how to socialise. We don't meet that often anyway.

I guess 90 min is quite a lot of time.

I wouldn't want to spend an hour and a half with a bunch of people who'd known each other 30+ years either - not because I think it's "not cool to be sociable" but because I'd feel really awkward and uncomfortable and would rather go home.

"B, like most men, doesn't do any care giving and therefore doesn't need to bother his pretty little head about what to cook for dinner."

I would call your comment just as sexist as his. Two peas in a pod - you and B.

I wouldn't want to spend an hour and a half with a bunch of people who'd known each other 30 + years either

Presumably you wouldn't justify that by spouting off about not wanting to talk about mundane issues/ you're only interested in important matters because you're not a self important twat with a superiority complex.

That's the issue.

There's something very off about it. It's rude and dismissive and deriding his wife for choosing to socialise. And the fact that he thinks discussing any meal prep is beneath him is faintly misogynistic. I assume he leaves that to his wife.

Jeez neither A nor B seem to understand social etiquette! At least they won’t spoil two houses as my mum would say!

You seem to be projecting a lot into things that havent been said

OP didnt say that he said anything of the sort.

Has he derided his wife for socialising?

Has he said that discussing meal prep at all is beneath him?

Presumably you wouldn't justify that by spouting off about not wanting to talk about mundane issues/ you're only interested in important matters because you're not a self important twat with a superiority complex

Maybe I'm wrong, but the way I see it is that he's not very sociable anyway, hence 90 minutes being his limit, but he also doesn't enjoy making small talk and talking about mundane stuff if he can help it.

There's something very off about it. It's rude and dismissive and deriding his wife for choosing to socialise. And the fact that he thinks discussing any meal prep is beneath him is faintly misogynistic. I assume he leaves that to his wife.

But OP has said he doesn't care what his partner does and that she goes out loads anyway?

I don't discuss meal prep with my friends either, that doesn't mean I leave it all to DH or never discuss it with him at home. It's just one of those boring things that has to be done and I just get on with - I feel like it doesn't need discussing outside of that really?

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I would be pretty bored if I went out with a group of people and meal prep was the preferred topic of conversation, lol.

By meal prep, she probably means diet talk or 'healthy food' talk

I hold my hands up here, Im a massive diet bore. Usually on Mondays, it wears off by Tuesday. A colleague and me talk about calories and bore the pants off others and we do apologise.

Boring.

I find these replies defending the friend and her husband's comments really weird.

It's rude and dismissive of the group of friends and toe curlingly tactless to repeat it.

Small talk can be tedious , but it's being polite and realizing that everyone is different and have different types of conversations.
What is ' important stuff ' , only things he likes or politics or world affairs ? What would make him stay around for longer?
What does he talk to his new wife about ?

Small talk can be tedious , but it's being polite and realizing that everyone is different and have different types of conversations.

But equally, surely the advantage of being an adult is being able to choose who you have to make small-talk with?

I mean - yes, in many situations it's necessary (work being the main one) but I wouldn't choose to go and spend time with people who don't have the same interests as me, even if they are friends with my DH.

Hmm. If he wasn't there then perhaps your friend is boasting about how important or different he is or as an excuse for him not being as sociable as others!. Unless HE said it directly to you, I would take it with a pinch of salt.

I dont think so. I get the impression reading between the lines that the 'group' have either implied or asked outright why he doesnt stay long, or whats the matter with him or why doesnt want to socialise and she has got to the point where she doesnt want to make excuses and says that actually he just isnt interested. OP updated that she had made an assumption about him on the basis that he 'only' stayed for 90 mins and so I think the wife will have used that to say more or less that this is his limit really.

Theres nothing wrong with that.

I see the outrage on here being because its touched a nerve of those who feel aggrieved that some people arent interested in their conversations or dont find them interesting. Everyone is different.

But he doesn't have to be interested in what his wife/partner and her friends talk about when they get together - I really don't see why that makes him rude and dismissive.

It also doesn't mean he doesn't do any meal-prep and "leaves it all to his wife" - maybe he just thinks that things like that are just boring necessities that don't need to be talked about any more than necessary.

Friend was v rude.

If what she says is true, her H sounds rude towards and about her family and friends.

I'm afraid I couldn't have stopped myself from laughing out loud.

I vote everyone walk out of the wedding reception after 90 minutes 😀. Seriously
though, as long as she’s happy and he’s secure enough to let her do her own thing, it’s no-one’s business but theirs.
It wasn’t a tactful thing to say, but it may have been prompted by an equally tactless comment or question - I wouldn’t see the need to dress things up with old friends.

I think I will just let it go and if B joins us in future, be wary of talking too much about domestic stuff!

@OperationMincemeat I think you need to do the opposite. The guy obviously needs more socialisation and mundanity in his life. I think you should (as a group) always talk about ironing, new menopausal symptoms, soup recipes and repeat prescriptions for your oldies.
😹

He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes.

Good God, what a massive knob head.

Is talking about what a massive knob head he is important enough as a conversation topic for him, do we think? I'd make sure I kept it very factual and maybe added some psychology or some shit.

Full of his own self importance

That's such a cool saying from your mum! Love it!

Could just be he doesn't want to hang out with a clique-y bunch of ex uni mates, to be fair.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a lovely clique-y gang of old friends, obviously.

But my 'people I've been close friends with since Uni' group just hoovered up & included everyone's new partners for years, until eventually someone got married for the second time & came camping with the gang without her newish dh. 'He says he always feels like a bit of a spare part tbh because we've all known each other for 20 years, & he told me to have a lovely time & he'd stay home with the football on the telly.'

My then dh was outraged & couldn't wait to get me on his own to grumble - 'how come bloody Nigel gets away with that, when I've had to suck up you lot cackling away, over the same dozen anecdotes about people I don't know, for a decade?!'

It could well be that B just sees you all as 'A's old friends from uni' & doesn't see why you'd need him there when you're having a catch up. Definitely sounds like A is hinting that the conversations have got a bit stale though? I'd be irritated by her, not him - she's the one who is supposed to be your friend!

Or A has just realised exactly how introverted and antisocial B is and she's trying to make herself look better by marrying important man with important thoughts, rather than socially inept man that needs to escape after 90 minutes.

This is all coming from her. Whether it's his actual words or not, a self aware , intelligent woman would know exactly how that would sound. Unless she had an agenda.