Am I overreacting to this faintly misogynistic comment by friend's new husband?

[OperationMincemeat]

Should be in AIBU but too scared of that section! So putting it here.

I have a very close friend I have known since uni, part of a larger group of friends. Let's call her A. A has recently got married at 49 to a man I don't know well ( first marriage, child free). Let's call him B. At a recent lunch out with A, when discussing B's introversion and reluctance to socialise with the rest of us, she said " B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

This rubbed me the wrong way. Most of our group are in our late 40s and early 50s, so looking after teens, the elderly and so on. So no doubt our convos tend to the mundane at times. B, like most men, doesn't do any care giving and therefore doesn't need to bother his pretty little head about what to cook for dinner. I wanted to point this out but as she is so recently married, I shut up.

Is this misogynistic? Course B wasn't there.

Do you think your friend is a little in awe or even intimidated by her new husbands intellect/arrogance?
Why did she marry someone so much more intellectual than her social norm?
She is going to be very isolated if they move to a rural location and she only has him to converse with.... and he only talks about incredibly IMPORTANT topics!
I feel a bit concerned for her.
And she has made him sound like a twat!

Everyone deals with the mundanities of life, but there's a difference between dealing with it and constantly talking about it.

I'm a bit confused why you allude to a misogynistic comment by your friend's new husband, when it was actually your friend who was talking. There's no guarantee she was repeating his words verbatim, or that she was even giving an accurate picture of his feelings and attitudes.

FWIW, I can't be bothered with small talk and general chit-chat about families, babies, household stuff either, because I have absolutely no interest in those things, so I don't bother spending time around people who do want to talk about them. It's in no way misogynistic, it's a simple lack of interest, and I'm perfectly happy in the company of other people with similar interests to my own, so I can't say I really blame DF's DH if he just prefers to avoid company where these topics are likely to come up. People are entitled to choose who they spend time with, and it's ridiculous to expect people to just sit and be bored to tears out of politeness or social convention.

Well I hate being stuck in a conversation about footie, and the conversations men often have when in a pack, the dick swinging crap they come out with at HIGH VOLUME talking over each other. And I can't bear it when yummy fucking mummies blather on about their kiddies B O R I N G.

I'm not saying I have intelligent interesting conversations, but some groups are just tedious for me, so not surprised others feel the same.

However, to say this out loud, or as your friend did, repeat to the group concerned, is socially inept.

This.
And we don’t even know if B actually said those things to A. A could have been whinging about B, which lets get real, someone always has a bit of a whinge about their partner in all female meet-ups.

I'm female and I agree with your friends husband completely. No mysogeny there at all.

This man seems to not understand how conversations work. Most conversations with my friends will involve a broad mix of mundane chat, politics, health, whatever. Sometimes the conversation will tend towards small talk, sometimes towards deeper topics. Sometimes conversation will veer towards particular common interests eg books, or travel.

To state that he ‘only’ talks about certain topics seems so pretentious and artificial. How would that even work in practice anyway? Conversations twist and turn - what if a conversation on Russia/Ukraine meanders on to discussing Russian recipes, would he suddenly run away as the conversation was now mundane?

I'd just consider him a self important tosser, her not much better and stop inviting them to things.

If she asks why, tell her.

This. Anyone who thinks they 'only talk about the important stuff' is definitely a wanker. Especially because, unless you are the prime minister or Head of the civil service or something, what you think about the 'important' stuff is not important.

So basically the first thing he is doing once they are married is isolating her from her friends and family?

Poor A :=-( She's going to have a hard time making excuses for him.
And an even harder time living with such a control-freak.

But if he doesn’t read, how can he talk about the important stuff? What can he actually talk about?

Agreed. The fact that he’s never married before would make me wonder why. I think it’s obvious.

Agreed

Definite red flag

It's not misogyny, he just find the conversations of your friendship group boring. It's not like he came to a meet-up, told you all that then left.
If you have a problem, it should be with your friend. Noone is under any obligation to pretend that they find strangers interesting.

PMSL at people saying they agree with the husband. The issue isn't that he doesn't like mundane conversations (after all, none of us is thinking, "The conversations I like best are the really mundane ones about childcare and what's for lunch"), it's loftily announcing (or rather, his wife loftily announcing) that he is only willing to talk about important things. He sounds like an absolute bell-end.

In any event, it's possible to be very dull while talking about important stuff and to be interesting and amusing while talking about the everyday, as we all know.

Sounds like he thinks meet ups are some sort of celebrity meet and greet and he is Someone Important..
90 mins indeed. What a prick.

I'm not getting the quote right but I came across one about what is really importan;

"My husband thinks about the important things, who we elect to parliament and what laws are passed. I deal with the trivial things like where we live, who we spend time with, how our children are raised and how we stay healthy."

How is he doing that? The most he is saying is he’s not interested in being friends with her friends because they talk about boring things and he’s only got 90mins of socialising he can do anyway (whether that is because he’s is introverted, has social anxiety or is nuerodiverse…do not know). He’s not pressuring her to not see her friends or family from what I can see.

Doesn't sound like you'll miss anything due to his absence, OP. And I wouldn't change anything about what I had to say in his company, either. He can do his own thing whatever that is.

He is very secure in his own company

what does that mean?
Does it describe the obsessive introverts of MN who decry being forced to endure other people?
I fully understand ppl who find other ppl very dull, maybe this guy is just more honest than most.
"Secure in" your own company sounds ... I dunno. very intolerant & impatient, I suppose.

I'm in two minds about this. If someone said they didn't want to talk to me because I only talk about "mundane" things, I'd be offended and think they were a rude twat.

But I eventually started to get up and leave at work lunches when the conversation inevitably turned to Love Island. It was rude but I felt justified; I think it's rude to talk continually about a topic that one person at the table is excluded from.

Overall I'd reserve judgement on B but think less of A for saying something rude when she could have phrased it more nicely.

Gosh didn't expect so many replies and had to go out. Will try to reply.

No he is most definitely not trying to isolate her because he doesnt stop her from being social. A is the biggest extrovert I know. Very well travelled and sophisticated and highly educated.

When I did meet B he did say he likes to be alone a lot and loves his own company. A is repeating that. Which is fine of course. It just grated a teeny bit, like he thinks it's not cool to be sociable.

He is not an intellectual but a bit of a "nomad" who cycles around Latin America or Thailand lot on his own. So I guess our social gatherings seem suffocating to him. Also it is tough to hang with people who have known each other for nearly 30 years.

I will just not read too much into this.

This with bells on.

It's a shame your friend seems to caught Obnoxious off him. It smacks of a weird dynamic where she's in awe of him and his pomposity and can't see how rude she's being?

When I did meet B he did say he likes to be alone a lot and loves his own company. A is repeating that. Which is fine of course. It just grated a teeny bit, like he thinks it's not cool to be sociable.

Where do you get that impression from?