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Original poster

Am I overreacting to this faintly misogynistic comment by friend's new husband?

109 replies

OperationMincemeat · 07/05/2022 11:58

Should be in AIBU but too scared of that section! So putting it here.

I have a very close friend I have known since uni, part of a larger group of friends. Let's call her A. A has recently got married at 49 to a man I don't know well ( first marriage, child free). Let's call him B. At a recent lunch out with A, when discussing B's introversion and reluctance to socialise with the rest of us, she said " B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

This rubbed me the wrong way. Most of our group are in our late 40s and early 50s, so looking after teens, the elderly and so on. So no doubt our convos tend to the mundane at times. B, like most men, doesn't do any care giving and therefore doesn't need to bother his pretty little head about what to cook for dinner. I wanted to point this out but as she is so recently married, I shut up.

Is this misogynistic? Course B wasn't there.

OP posts:
tootiredtoocare · 07/05/2022 12:33

Maybe he just doesn't like a member of your group and would prefer not to spend time with them. He's allowed to. And as long as he's not stopping A from enjoying the company of her friends, there isn't really an issue here.

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/05/2022 12:34

Its a bit snotty but its not misogynistic at all.

thistimelastweek · 07/05/2022 12:34

B's probably arse.
But it was A who actually said the words. There's no way of knowing whether she was quoting directly or whether it was just her take on it but she could have done with keeping it to herself.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/05/2022 12:37

OperationMincemeat · 07/05/2022 12:04

Huh. So the mundane never creeps into your convos when you meet? It's hard not to ask say " How is your elderly mom doing?' Would be heartless not to.

The other subject we always talk about is books because all of us are big readers and 2 of us work in publishing. But B doesn't read much.

A is definitely hinting at that. But tbh after a pandemic and given current world situation, I am not sure I have the bandwidth to discuss the meaning of life.

Not sure I would want to discuss the meaning of life with someone who doesn't read much!
She's not really selling him, is she? He doesn't want to get involved in social niceties, but wants to give out his uninformed opinion for up to 90 minutes only. Is she embarrassed by him?
Anyway, as she's recently married him, let's hope he does have redeeming qualities. Maybe he's not used to socialising much at all, maybe he does have interests which he can talk about in an inclusive, appealing and amusing way, maybe he's just someone who finds social interaction in groups difficult. Hopefully he makes her happy, and I guess it really doesn't matter if he meets up with you all or not.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2022 12:40

" B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

Oh dear. To come out with that comment, A is obviously in thrall to the man who does not lower himself to consider the unimportant. How noble he is, to not waste his time or braincells on the mundanities of life!

Of course, the only sort of people who can avoid discussing lunch are those fully-serviced people who never have to make lunch. There's a whiff of A throwing herself wholeheartedly into the wifework, I fear.

Regardless, A essentially said that you're all too dull to interest her Godlike important-stuff-only husband - which is RUDE of her.

Original poster
OperationMincemeat · 07/05/2022 12:48

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2022 12:40

" B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

Oh dear. To come out with that comment, A is obviously in thrall to the man who does not lower himself to consider the unimportant. How noble he is, to not waste his time or braincells on the mundanities of life!

Of course, the only sort of people who can avoid discussing lunch are those fully-serviced people who never have to make lunch. There's a whiff of A throwing herself wholeheartedly into the wifework, I fear.

Regardless, A essentially said that you're all too dull to interest her Godlike important-stuff-only husband - which is RUDE of her.

That's how I interpreted it but A does not strike me as a wife work person. Very independent and very much her own woman. I think I will just let it go and if B joins us in future, be wary of talking too much about domestic stuff!

OP posts:
PradaOnaBudget · 07/05/2022 12:48

It would be interesting to work out where this comment came from. Do you spend hours taking about your children or cooking when you see B? If he doesn't have children and he's an introvert, maybe he finds himself extremely bored.

In any case, B is tactless for mentioning it. He doesn't need to socialise with any of you, and providing he's polite on the few occasions when he does, I don't see a problem. If she had not mentioned it, you would not know.

If you are separating, it might be time to work out what your social life will be like in the future. (Taking from experience, as my social life revolves around couples, and it completely died after I got divorced)

PradaOnaBudget · 07/05/2022 12:49

*I meant A is tactless

dottiedodah · 07/05/2022 12:57

He sounds rather boorish and self important to me .Surely part and parcel of being married is mixing with people who are special to your husband/wife? Many people talk about things they dont have much interest in . I think hes a bit of a twat TBH

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2022 12:58

I don't think it's misogynistic, but he sounds a bit self-important.

However, as it was essentially A's interpretation of what was said, maybe don't read too much into it.

TheSpottedZebra · 07/05/2022 12:59

Wait, why is everyone 'obviously excited' about her wedding?
That slightly sounds like she's been cast as the lonely old spinster in your eyes, but now she is made whole?

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/05/2022 13:01

I would have bristled at that too, OP.

What a self important, arrogant and boorish man! Have you asked your friend what these "interesting" topics are that he will deign to talk about?

Thiswayorthatway · 07/05/2022 13:02

Not necessarily misogynistic without more. I am female and don’t like discussing the mundane matters in your OP beyond at home with DH.

bellac11 · 07/05/2022 13:09

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2022 12:40

" B doesn't like discussing mundane matters like what's cooking for lunch or childcare arrangements. He only likes to talk about important stuff and he will only stay at any social occasion for 90 minutes. He is very secure in his own company."

Oh dear. To come out with that comment, A is obviously in thrall to the man who does not lower himself to consider the unimportant. How noble he is, to not waste his time or braincells on the mundanities of life!

Of course, the only sort of people who can avoid discussing lunch are those fully-serviced people who never have to make lunch. There's a whiff of A throwing herself wholeheartedly into the wifework, I fear.

Regardless, A essentially said that you're all too dull to interest her Godlike important-stuff-only husband - which is RUDE of her.

That seems quite a defensive way of interpreting the comment

To me it seems she is simply being factual about what his interests are but also his limitations or parameters, he doesnt like day to day chit chat and cant or doesnt want to spend too much time socialising. Nothing wrong with that, no need to denigrate him for that.

SnowyPetals · 07/05/2022 13:09

Sounds like him leaving after 90 minutes would be a blessing 😂😂.

pictish · 07/05/2022 13:10

That he leaves her family occasions too, indicates that it’s not personal. He’s not into the chat. I can’t decide whether he’s refreshingly honest or a lofty arsehole.

There are some topics that just bore me senseless with certain people touching on them on the regular. Diets for example…or the plot of a book I’m never going to read and don’t care about. I do the polite thing of course but makes you think…

Bimster · 07/05/2022 13:11

Sounds like your friend is trying to put a spin on the fact her new husband is a bit of a socially-dysfunctional dick.

Iamnotamermaid · 07/05/2022 13:12

Could just be a classic introvert. Introverts hate small talk and parties ....Hmm

Daenerys77 · 07/05/2022 13:17

I'm entirely with B on this one. And there is nothing in the marriage service about having to spend time with the spouse's friends.

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 07/05/2022 13:18

Not misogynistic.
My husband is an introvert and has social anxiety. I used to make up excuses as to why he wasn't present now I just say he doesn't want to be here.
Probably a bit tactless but the truth.
She might already be tired of making excuses or she too might find your topics of conversation boring and is hinting for more stimulating conversation.

BattenburgDonkey · 07/05/2022 13:23

Is this misogynistic?

No not really, for one thing it was your friend that said it not him, but also
plenty of women don’t enjoy that sort of conversation. I wouldn’t change what you talk about round him, he’s clearly comfortable not spending time at things he doesn’t enjoy, he’s not asking people to change anything for him, he’s just not going to engagements he won’t enjoy, good for him! Bit unnecessary of your friend to word it like that though.

User983590521 · 07/05/2022 13:29

Vickidrama · 07/05/2022 12:10

Oh, not to have to bother with the mundanities of life and just deal with what is ‘important’. Definitely someone to avoid - but don’t worry because he will be quite happy in his own company. See your friend away from his presence!

This.

He's a pillock and he'll helpfully absent himself from meet-ups so, great!

Fitterbyfifty · 07/05/2022 13:31

It's one thing to not want to make small talk, it's quite another to say it upfront (or get your wife to) when you haven't really met anyone yet. Rude.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/05/2022 13:33

I feel the same. Get so bored hearing about people's pets and recipes. So much so that I try to avoid having lunch with others at work. I'd rather read on my own. But I put a pleasant expression on my face and nod along even though in my head I'm thinking I'm bored of you.

My DH knows this but he would never, ever tell the people concerned. I think your friend probably should not have told you and just said he was busy.

Franca123 · 07/05/2022 13:39

Urgh. They sound really up themselves. It reminds me of when I got with my partner and we thought our superior love put us beyond all the meer mortals. Leave it a while and they'll be telling you about their arguments over who did or didn't clean the bog.