Pls be kind-waiting to have a baby

[Elsie2022]

I am 29 years old and have been married to my DH since we were 22. We both work in London and we bought a 2 bed flat in London 3 years ago. My plan in the past was to have a baby after buying our flat (and making sure we have enough for childcare fees and a decent standard of living) but after the pandemic, I realized we needed a bigger place(previously we worked long hours and spent a few hours at home everyday and went out loads during the weekend) and so right now I am planning to move to a 3 bed flat in 2.5 years so that we can get a bigger mortgage before DC (we agreed we would only have 1 DC) and not be stuck. DH is a born and bred Londoner and we have close family in London so we don't wish to leave London. Also commuting fares mean we would spend even more outside London.

Now we talked to a family member who regretted waiting as his wife turned out to be infertile at 33. DH thinks I am procrastinating on having a baby as I want everything 'perfect'. He thinks we should be more like his sister who is my age and now pregnant with a baby. I am happy for her but her situation terrifies me. She is privately renting with no savings for a deposit in a country where rental is precarious (house prices and rentals rose 12% in her city last year). We were transferring money to her to pass to another sister (long story) and she confided this terrified her as her joint account with her husband was so low that she didn't even have £700 to spare to lend to that sister before the money arrived in the account (international money transfer can take a while). Plus she lives in the suburb if a really expensive city (most expensive in the world). This is basically my worst nightmare and I wanted to avoid being in it. I can't imagine having a baby with so little money, I know other people do it, but I wouldn't choose it.while we obviously have more savings than that, I still don't feel ready emotionally and financially. I mean, 4 years ago, we didn't even own our place but now we do so things do change with time.

DH thinks I am just too lazy to be in the 'struggle' and we would be left with nothing if we did it my way. And his sister is doing the right thing cos she will figure things out and everything will end up ok.

There’s never a perfect time to have a baby. You just have to work out your priorities. It’s sounds like you and DH have different priorities right now, do maybe worth reflecting on long term priorities first and then asking what’s really holding you back and whether it’s really that important.

@SonicWomb there is never a perfect time but it's not like I am 35 now and we only want 1 DC.

I didn’t say that. I meant there’s never a perfect time in relation to the rest of your life being balanced or “ready” (eg income, home, relationship, career etc). Sometimes you just have to go for it because having a baby is what you want in the long term, sometimes it’s better to wait a bit. If you wait, things don’t always turn out the way you expect, but sometimes they do.

Neither of you are right, neither of you are wrong.

YANBU not to feel ready, that's your choice, and you're still young, but it does sound like you're a planner and a worrier and also that you're in a pretty good position already!
babies are fine in one bedroom flats for a year or more, but it would be easier to move before you have one, that's for sure.

You have a two bedroom flat so I don't know why you feel you need a 3 bedroom one to have a baby?

That said, don't feel like you should be pushed into having a baby before you're ready. Emotionally, physically and financially, a baby takes a toll. You and your husband could get your fertility assessed to put his mind at rest? You'd have to pay but might shut him up.

By the way, you might also realise once you’ve had one baby that you want another. I know several people like this who wished later that they hadn’t waited so long (in their cases to eg 36/37 though)

It does sound a bit like you’re looking for reasons to put off having a baby (which is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself/your husband).

Married at 21. Put off babies for career/travel/procrastinating as didn't want to give up my life yet. Started trying at 32. 1st at 35, 2nd at 39, due to unforseen health issues.

I don't regret not having my babies in my 20's & am glad I lived, built finances etc. first, but do wish I'd had them 5 years earlier.

Honestly, I wanted kids, but there was always an excuse, a reason to put off having them. So don't let 'excuses' get in the way. Have a hard think about what you really want & work around that.

Tell him you might be better positioned to afford to have a baby if you stop subsidising his family.

A 3 bedroom flat is fine but what's the accessibility like where you are now? If you're looking at flats that's definitely a big consideration for getting out and about with a pushchair etc.

Having a baby is scary - but ultimately it's your choice when you're ready. Like you say, you're still young enough to have time to decide what's best.

Obviously don't have a baby if you're not ready yet, but it sounds like your situation is very different to his sister - you're not renting, and if you'd been prepping to start trying sooner (to have enough for childcare fees?) I assume there's been some saving/working on your careers to get into a decent position financially.

The saying "there's never the perfect time to have a child" seems apt here, cliche as it seems - there's so many variables. You seem super anxious for things to be perfect with no room for anything going wrong before you have a baby and while it's admirable that you're being responsible and trying to ensure you're in as good a position as possible to do it, you can't possibly know that in 2 or 3 or 4 years depending on how long it takes you to get pregnant that there won't be a giant recession or your house purchase won't fall through three times and take a year to move or one of you will be made redundant or the new house you buy has a catastrophic roof failure and needs tens of thousands work doing on it or you struggle to conceive etc... And none of that can be controlled for, you can put yourself in a good position but you can't know you'll never end up struggling, so don't do the anxiety-brain thing of putting everything off until you feel you can completely control against bad things happening.

I know that sounds very pessimistic and doom laden and I hope none of those things happen (they probably won't!) but what I mean is: if you just want more space then by all means wait. If you're just not ready yet, wait. But if you're trying to create a scenario where you won't struggle to conceive because it's early enough nor never struggle for money because you've waited long enough- well, you can't do that with 100% certainty and (to me) it sounds like that anxiety is holding you back a little bit. There's a level of uncertainty you have to be okay with while still being responsible.

If you're not ready, then you're not ready but agree that there's never a perfect time. In your 30s your fertility definitely reduces but you may have more income.

Also, you don't really need a bigger place straightaway. You'd be PG for 9 months and the baby is supposed to sleep in your room for 6 months.

I suppose it depends on whether you're willing to take the risk with reducing fertility? I had mine in my 30s but didn't marry until 32. Having DC was definitely a struggle for a few reasons.

Why do you need 3 beds? Family friendly two bed with more disposable income would be better than a 2 bed in my opinion.

It's fine not to want babies yet and your dh needs to respect if you are not ready and should not be pressuring you to do something because his sister did. Short of going to a fertility doctor and checking your egg supply and your husbands sperm count there's no way of knowing how easy it will be to conceive. It could take weeks or years, you could need intervention, most women can continue to get pregnant into their forties and that could be you. All you can do is make decisions based on what feels right. If now is not the right time to have a baby for you then that's ok.

Why not get a fertility assessment done at a clinic (appreciate there’s a cost to this so may not be possible) and if all is fine then you will have more reassurance to wait if that’s what you want to do.

Even if a fertility assessment is positive your own health can change. I developed an autoimmune condition at 35 and had to stop trying to conceive while I had treatment.

If you're not ready don't try to conceive OP but do think broadly about the issue.

His sister private renting and not having £700 spare is irrelevant; you own your home.

Your dh calls you “lazy”?

Have you been pregnant before op?

Or on threads TTC?

You own a two bed flat. You’re in a completely different situation to his sister. You don’t need more space.

Wait to have a baby if you want but don’t fall into the trap of chasing some kind of perfection.

And the family member with an infertile wife may well have discovered she was infertile at 23 too.

OP you're in a good enough situation to have a baby but you're so right to really plan this stuff and be mindful of it. First, no more money to his relatives. That stops now.

Second, sit down and shoe him finances, including what you both envision workwise and what you'd have to cut back on. When it concerns him personally I'm not sure he will be so gung ho. He's also not going to be pregnant, in labour, risking tears and prolapses, night feeds, breastfeeding, etc, is he? So I'm sure it's more of an easy decision in his mind.

I admire you for thinking through due diligence this much. But can I also say please be honest with yourself as to whether there's something else stopping you? And if there is, don't ignore it.

Could you instead move out 1 zone in order to buy a larger place?

@Clymene It's because it's harder to get a bigger mortgage post kids? I am from a country where 3 bed flats are the normal family option. Our 2 bed is also pretty small- ok for 2 people who were always working outside the office which was our situation 3 years ago. Now it's hybrid work.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas 2 bed house with garden is same price as 3 bed flat with communal garden in my area and I would rather the extra room. My current flat has a communal garden (and a lot of kids in our block).

@Knittingchamp btw his sister always paid us back. It was a kind of weird situation where a sister could not sort out her foreign exchange and we were kinda sending money to another sister's bank account(the one who is pregnant) to give to the other sister...the pregnant sister was telling my DH that she hated this setup as she was never sure she has enough money in her bank account to pass to that sister before the money came through. As that sister is overseas, that was the only inkling we had of her financial situation and it didn't sound good!

I don't think there is any angle you haven't considered so now it just comes down to communicating with your DH and getting on the same page.

Personally if I wasnt financially secure I wouldnt have wanted a child, and luckily dh felt the same. I didnt want to struggle. I wanted to buy a nice pram, take my maternity leave and enjoy it, put my baby in a good childcare setting, have a spare bedroom for grandparents to stay if needed.

But I can see why people start younger and struggle and if I'd been with my partner such a long time already I can see why a baby would feel like a logical step now rather than waiting.

However you are the one carrying the baby and frankly it's usually the woman who makes the majority of the career sacrifices so you have the bigger share of the decision, in my opinion.