Pls be kind-waiting to have a baby

[Elsie2022]

I am 29 years old and have been married to my DH since we were 22. We both work in London and we bought a 2 bed flat in London 3 years ago. My plan in the past was to have a baby after buying our flat (and making sure we have enough for childcare fees and a decent standard of living) but after the pandemic, I realized we needed a bigger place(previously we worked long hours and spent a few hours at home everyday and went out loads during the weekend) and so right now I am planning to move to a 3 bed flat in 2.5 years so that we can get a bigger mortgage before DC (we agreed we would only have 1 DC) and not be stuck. DH is a born and bred Londoner and we have close family in London so we don't wish to leave London. Also commuting fares mean we would spend even more outside London.

Now we talked to a family member who regretted waiting as his wife turned out to be infertile at 33. DH thinks I am procrastinating on having a baby as I want everything 'perfect'. He thinks we should be more like his sister who is my age and now pregnant with a baby. I am happy for her but her situation terrifies me. She is privately renting with no savings for a deposit in a country where rental is precarious (house prices and rentals rose 12% in her city last year). We were transferring money to her to pass to another sister (long story) and she confided this terrified her as her joint account with her husband was so low that she didn't even have £700 to spare to lend to that sister before the money arrived in the account (international money transfer can take a while). Plus she lives in the suburb if a really expensive city (most expensive in the world). This is basically my worst nightmare and I wanted to avoid being in it. I can't imagine having a baby with so little money, I know other people do it, but I wouldn't choose it.while we obviously have more savings than that, I still don't feel ready emotionally and financially. I mean, 4 years ago, we didn't even own our place but now we do so things do change with time.

DH thinks I am just too lazy to be in the 'struggle' and we would be left with nothing if we did it my way. And his sister is doing the right thing cos she will figure things out and everything will end up ok.

@tomatoandherbs not specifically lazy but he doesn't think I am doing enough at my life stage.

Thanks folks for commenting. I think the real reason I don't want to start is cos I feel terrified when I imagine myself being pregnant. Rather than happy. I feel like I don't want to try to TTC.

Would that feeling go away if I had more money, a bigger home etc? I have no idea.

But I know every child should be wanted badly. I read threads on fertility forums where women are obsessed about getting pregnant. I feel like I can't relate. Surely this means it's a wrong time..

Your reasons for wanting to wait to ttc are as valid as your H’s for not wanting to. There are pros and cons of both options, and of increasing debt to get a bigger place to live.

one family member’s experience is just anecdote: there’re stats on fertility by age and you could both pay for tests to get more info on your likely situation as a couple, though these are fairly limited and no guarantee.

It’s a red flag that he is using slurs like ‘lazy’.

Would he be sharing the parenting, including at night and weekdays, once you return to work? And the hugely increased domestic work? Would he be willing to make the same changes to his working life as you will, eg reduced hours?

What’s your work situation? If you have promotion prospects would work for that asap: the ‘motherhood penalty’ is real.

What is your relationship like with your dh?
baby issue aside

It just sounds like you're waiting for a perfect time which doesn't exist. We had first DC in a one bedroom flat and moved when he was 9 months old. Not ideal, but we made it work. You find a way somehow.

If you're personally not ready then fair enough but if you're waiting for perfect circumstances then I'd say there isn't any.

Also, we started trying at 27 (me), and 32 (DH), got pregnant, lost the baby then went through secondary infertility and IVF. Ended up having DC when I was 31 and DH 36. So took us four years. We want to try for a second now and I'm still 'only' 33 so I'm glad we started young or else it could've gone differently for us.

@Loopytiles he already cooks and cleans so I have no worry about that regard. Personally I am looking for a new role to increase earning power.. We already agreed we would use childcare plus would WFH 1-2 days and possibly get help from grandparent in London. My DH says he would make sure we pay childcare.

I think the problem is we have a good standard of living so I guess we have more to lose...if we were struggling, having a DC is probably not so bad. But we are comfortable and have not been really hit by cost of living crisis like most people. I think the cost of living crisis scares me too,the fact that people who were just managing are now affected.

@Elsie2022
If you don't want or feel ready for a baby now, that's an OK way to feel.

If you genuinely think that having a bigger mortgage, so bigger outgoings and one more room will make that much difference in the baby years, I think that you're wrong. It will make your options around maternity and working so much harder, as you'll be tied up with more outgoings not less.

I believe that being financially resilient is important. And actually would focus on that over an extra room.

Fwiw, even wanting one child could take a decade to conceive and still never conceive or achieve a live birth. But I don't think that fear alone should ever be a reason for ttc earlier than you're emotionally ready for.

I think that this needs far more thought as the 3rd room almost feels like displacement theory.

Cross posted with your last post as it took me so long to type!

Then I'd say don't feel pressured to start if you're feeling like that. You don't feel ready, you don't want to pregnant, and that's perfectly ok. You do need to be honest with your DH though that it's not about the house etc but just that you don't feel ready.
You have to carry the baby, birth the baby and will likely do most of the childcare so you are well within your rights to say no, not now.

When you say wfh, you do realise you still need to have childcare in place for a baby/toddler. If you were to have fertility issues that in itself won't change between now and a few years' time, although options to address it might.

Sharing domestic work now is a great start, but doesn’t necessarily mean a man will be willing to share the parenting and hugely additional domestic work with a DC, and/or prioritise parenting over paid work (to the extent his partner does).

Do you mean WFH so that DC gets shorter day(s) in childcare?

@ChoiceMummy why do you think I feel like this? Is it because I don't actually want a baby and am just finding excuses for myself?

Are there people like this who always wanted a baby but then said- if I earn X amount, if I have a big house, then I will want a child. If I have more grandparent support etc. So that means they don't really want it?

It started years ago when I decided I wanted only 1 child to minimize costs and decided I could wait

I don't think anyone is ever 'ready' to have a baby.
DH and I wanted to buy our house first but when we worked out how long it would take to save a deposit, it meant I would be pushing 30 before we had a baby and we both decided we'd rather have the baby than sitting in a big empty house. We're still saving our deposit but we have what was most important to us in the mean time, our kids!

Maybe worth sitting down with your DH and deciding what's most important to you both. If it's the house for you and baby for him, compromise and save maybe 50-80% of what you'd need to move, then start trying for a baby, there's no guarantees that you'd get pregnant straight away, and you can continue to save while you're pregnant and while you might want more room long term, for the first year at least, a 2 bed flat would be absolutely fine!
Good luck!

unhelpful and unrealistic to think that you were ‘struggling’ you would probably find becoming a mother more appealling. For example if you were in a low paid job you may well lose the opportunity to continue to do paid work and would become financially dependent on your H.

plus would WFH 1-2 days

ok so please cancel this from your plan.

I’ve had one ‘easy baby’ and one ‘high needs baby’ and neither of them allow me to wfh.. hell the one which requires a lot of attention stands on my foot as I poop. I can’t even get alone time to shit, let that sink in.

there have been a few pinch moments where we have tried to work with dc around and it’s fragmented and distracting, the whining and crying and attention means you can’t just work.

I know several women who waited to ttc for similar reasons. In their cases it was fine.

plenty of women are ambivalent or have mixed thoughts and feelings about having DC beforehand, and indeed after. Being a parent has many negatives, especially for women.

it’s also OK if you decide you don’t actually want DC or are unsure whether or not you will want to, as long as you’re open about this with your H.

@Loopytiles yes to get shorter days in childcare

@BoredYummyMummy I am budgeting for 5 full days of childcare yes..

I think that you are being rather sensible. Neither of you are wrong but you do have different outlooks.

And there we have it; this is not about housing.

It's ok to feel scared. Having a baby is really scary. It's a massive responsibility, a massive life change, a massive vulnerability to a man, a massive financial challenge. Sit with that feeling for a while and try to work out what exactly you are terrified of.

Maybe you don't want a baby. Maybe you do but your desire for one isn't yet enough to overcome the fear. Maybe you need to work through some irrational fears. I can't say. But do listen to yourself and your feelings.

You are allowed to have these feelings. At the end of the day it’s you that will go through pregnancy, birth & breast feeding and the emotions that come with this. Then the impact to career break and then trying to find the right balance between parenting & working.

if you want a bigger home before trying that’s ok! It’s frustrating squeezing all that come with a baby & if you need space to continue WFH - your husband is going to need a quiet space to work when your looking after baby!

Have these open conversation with your husband, explain your feelings. Then plan how you will save for the next move or next steps.
Maybe you could bring the move sooner with saving more. Don’t feel pressured into having a baby …it could be amazing and go well or it could lead to resentment squeezed into a small space with him needing quiet to work!

Op you have to decide if you want a baby or not. If you don't let your DH go and let him find someone else who wants a baby.

Bigger house = Bigger mortgage and more financial pressure during the early years when your either not earning or have big nursery fees.

It's not unusual for people to move to a bigger house, different area when they're eldest is ready to start school or youngest is getting some nursery funding.

DH is right babies don't always come to order.

I never felt particularly broody, having our first DC was more of a weighing up of different options. In the end I felt that I didn't not want to have children. We now have 2, and I've never regretted them. It is bloody hard work though!

I think planning is fine as is not feeling ready. But on the other side of the coin, don't underestimate what your hormones could do to you within the next couple of years.

Is there a reason why you need to wait 2.5 years to try and move? Yes getting a bigger mortgage is easier before a baby but interest rates are heading up so you could be better off fixing the rate now - and buying while the London flat market is weaker than for a long time (appreciate this also affects you selling but may still reduce the size of the jump up the ladder).

The other unknown factor is how long it will take you to fall pregnant. Even if everything is fine, a year is quite normal especially if coming off the pill. Of course it happens for some first try but you can't assume it will be quick. Say a six month wait to fall and nine months of being pregnant and half your allocated time has already gone

@GregBrawlsInDogJail for a long time, the second bedroom was used for storage like for a year. I squeezed my desk in our bedroom during the first few months of the pandemic before acknowledging this was silly to keep that bedroom empty. It's now my study. And now I am like I still want a study, and a baby room. But maybe that's just excuses.

I always thought I was baby mad because I would do things like research nurseries and bought our flat with catchment areas in mind. It's all fun when it's theoretical and 'in the future'. Looking at prams and baby clothes. But I feel terrified when I think of TTC. Once when I had an accident, I actually took the morning after pill and worried for a month ...

we want to overpay for longer and also monitor the market. Market is hot in my area even for flats! I think it will drop.*

@Calmdown14*