Pls be kind-waiting to have a baby

[Elsie2022]

I am 29 years old and have been married to my DH since we were 22. We both work in London and we bought a 2 bed flat in London 3 years ago. My plan in the past was to have a baby after buying our flat (and making sure we have enough for childcare fees and a decent standard of living) but after the pandemic, I realized we needed a bigger place(previously we worked long hours and spent a few hours at home everyday and went out loads during the weekend) and so right now I am planning to move to a 3 bed flat in 2.5 years so that we can get a bigger mortgage before DC (we agreed we would only have 1 DC) and not be stuck. DH is a born and bred Londoner and we have close family in London so we don't wish to leave London. Also commuting fares mean we would spend even more outside London.

Now we talked to a family member who regretted waiting as his wife turned out to be infertile at 33. DH thinks I am procrastinating on having a baby as I want everything 'perfect'. He thinks we should be more like his sister who is my age and now pregnant with a baby. I am happy for her but her situation terrifies me. She is privately renting with no savings for a deposit in a country where rental is precarious (house prices and rentals rose 12% in her city last year). We were transferring money to her to pass to another sister (long story) and she confided this terrified her as her joint account with her husband was so low that she didn't even have £700 to spare to lend to that sister before the money arrived in the account (international money transfer can take a while). Plus she lives in the suburb if a really expensive city (most expensive in the world). This is basically my worst nightmare and I wanted to avoid being in it. I can't imagine having a baby with so little money, I know other people do it, but I wouldn't choose it.while we obviously have more savings than that, I still don't feel ready emotionally and financially. I mean, 4 years ago, we didn't even own our place but now we do so things do change with time.

DH thinks I am just too lazy to be in the 'struggle' and we would be left with nothing if we did it my way. And his sister is doing the right thing cos she will figure things out and everything will end up ok.

I agree there isn't really a right time. If you want the bigger flat you may then wait to save more for childcare or you may want to work p/t.

I think your dh is upset because he sees your reluctance as being about having children not merely the size of flats! I agree that you can't control things to the extent you want to. Also half your post is about his sister who is not nearly in the same situation as you!! So not sure of the relevance.

I think you need to compromise with DH. It could take years or it happen quickly. Getting pregnant is so out of our control. Would you regret it if you tried at 33 and then it took several years or not at all?

It's because it's harder to get a bigger mortgage post kids?

I only think that's true when you are paying childcare or have reduced your salary

But I know every child should be wanted badly. I read threads on fertility forums where women are obsessed about getting pregnant. I feel like I can't relate. Surely this means it's a wrong time..

not necessarily, I was someone who saw kids in my future but was never someone who dreamed of what they would look like, had names, I just went with the flow.

🤔Maybe you had a verrrrry different type of kids from me, but after kids, you generally either have to pay out for childcare to bring in the same amount from work, or you earn less or not at all. That's rather the point...

We already agreed we would use childcare plus would WFH 1-2 days and possibly get help from grandparent in London

Wfh with a baby?

It started years ago when I decided I wanted only 1 child to minimize costs and decided I could wait

I think it's becoming more common tbh as finances are a big concern. I waited until I was 31 & although I worked so hard for my career I ended up walking away & getting into a new more balanced one. My sister earns a good salary & has a good living with her dh. They go on lots of holidays & have decided they don't want dc as it's too much of a lifestyle change.

I think many women do this, it's a bit like imagining choosing clothes for an imaginary child. But it doesn't mean at that time that you're ready for the emotional load that having a child means. And it is a load. A 247 forever load.

I most certainly wasn't ready until my late 30s,as even with fertility issues, I knew I needed to be in the "right place" before even attempting to ttc.

@GregBrawlsInDogJail did you not read my post....

In your DH's shoes I would worry whether you will ever reach the point when you are prepared to TTC, and start considering whether the relationship is viable.

I was never that maternal....until we started trying once I got married at 29 and was then told we'd likely need fertility treatment. But then again neither was I that materialistic and obsessed about what I had, where I lived, where I went on holiday what I did on the weekend etc. Sadly I was left infertile after multiple miscarriages and ectopics by age 35. So your DH does have a point in that respect.

Most people I know moved out of London once they had children as childcare costs were eye watering. But You make it work believe me.

Also you don't know how you'll feel about having more than one child until you are actually a parent...I think if you are prepared to bring a child into the world then you should also be prepared to give them a sibling.

There is no point over planning at this stage. Your married and have your own home so are in a miles better position than many.

@Luculentus lol I would show him your comment and ask him what he thinks!

Completely agree.

it sounds like you are looking for any excuse not to have a baby, and thats fine, but be honest with your husband that you are having significant doubts. He can then decide if its a deal breaker for him, and if it is, it gives him time to go find someone else

This is harsh. It’s completely normal to be anxious about the idea of getting pregnant and becoming a mother.

OP please don’t overthink this, there is nothing in your post that suggests you’re not committed to the idea of having a child together. Just that you’re worried about how it will all happen and what it will mean for you which is completely normal.

This is harsh. It’s completely normal to be anxious about the idea of getting pregnant and becoming a mother.

OP please don’t overthink this, there is nothing in your post that suggests you’re not committed to the idea of having a child together. Just that you’re worried about how it will all happen and what it will mean for you which is completely normal.

Op you do have to be honest with yourself if you do or don't want children in your life.

Yes you hear horror stories about being pregnant, morning sickness, being uncomfortable towards the end.
The same with birth.

Really if pregnancy and birth were that bad nobody would have a second or third child.

Forgetting the uncomfortable bits of being pregnant, there is something really special about growing a whole human inside you. 🙂
New life, new hope, new future, very special. Feeling it move, then holding that life in your arms.

I showed him @Luculentus comment and he was frankly horrified at the thought of leaving me.

Actually my DH was supportive of my approach as he was raised by a mum who had 4 kids despite having no money and this did impact on their upbringing i.e. DH was on free school meals and couldn't afford to go on school trips but I think his sister(who he regards as sensible) made him second guess everything.

What exactly does he mean by ‘not doing enough’ ? Does he think you should be working more, going for a promotion, exercising more, doing more hobbies? It’s a weird thing to say about your spouse.

It also makes me wonder if he’d be one of those husbands who comes home and complains about the house being a mess/ dinner not being cooked because you’re just sitting at home ‘doing nothing’ while looking after a baby.

Sorry, I have no idea why my post is all in bold!

Totally up to you but fwiw the size of your flat alone wouldn’t be reason enough for me to wait. Lots of people I know had their first (and some second) kids in 2 bed flat before being able to buy somewhere bigger and it was fine

@EllieQ I think he thinks I am too comfortable with where I am, and am just waiting for things to be automatically better in a few years when that may not be the case. Actually based on my experience, we are in a much better position than where we were when we first married. I think my DH isn't as desperate as I described in my OP, he is just concerned we are trying to engineer things to be 'perfect' when we should accept life is a struggle. And would wind up missing out as a result. I guess it's like the fear of striking out that prevents you from playing the game. But unlike switching to a new job, new career, moving to a new country, there is no reversal of having a child. It's 24/7 for the rest of your life.

I married just after university and was fine with that as it didn't involve supporting and nurturing another human being. There is a reason why we don't have babies at 16 anymore even though we are biologically capable of it.

@User0610134049 it's not the size of the flat. It's wanting to upgrade before our finances would have to take a back seat in relation to the cost of raising a child.

A lot of families do manage but they do so often by making lateral moves i.e. moving from a flat in the city to a house in the town

@MerryMarigold my DH was not worried about my approach as being from London, most people our age are not married or having kids. People in London tell me I am young and can wait.

His sister is my age and I guess kinda triggers anxiety in this area.

I'm also a born and bred londoner. We were in a 2 bed flat with 2 children until they were 4 and 7 years old. It was fine. You don't need a 3 bed house to have a baby!

Op 30 is the ideal age to have children. And I say that as someone who was late 30s/40s before having my children.

You've graduated, got some experience.

Your DH is possibly thinking it would be good to have a child at the same time as his sister, cousins growing up together. Sleep overs etc.

It's dead easy to keep putting children off, the next promotion, house move, another romantic holiday.
I have at least two friends who put it off until the 'right' time only for them to run into issues.
I also have two friends who tried for 10 years plus before IVF worked for them.