Pls be kind-waiting to have a baby

[Elsie2022]

I am 29 years old and have been married to my DH since we were 22. We both work in London and we bought a 2 bed flat in London 3 years ago. My plan in the past was to have a baby after buying our flat (and making sure we have enough for childcare fees and a decent standard of living) but after the pandemic, I realized we needed a bigger place(previously we worked long hours and spent a few hours at home everyday and went out loads during the weekend) and so right now I am planning to move to a 3 bed flat in 2.5 years so that we can get a bigger mortgage before DC (we agreed we would only have 1 DC) and not be stuck. DH is a born and bred Londoner and we have close family in London so we don't wish to leave London. Also commuting fares mean we would spend even more outside London.

Now we talked to a family member who regretted waiting as his wife turned out to be infertile at 33. DH thinks I am procrastinating on having a baby as I want everything 'perfect'. He thinks we should be more like his sister who is my age and now pregnant with a baby. I am happy for her but her situation terrifies me. She is privately renting with no savings for a deposit in a country where rental is precarious (house prices and rentals rose 12% in her city last year). We were transferring money to her to pass to another sister (long story) and she confided this terrified her as her joint account with her husband was so low that she didn't even have £700 to spare to lend to that sister before the money arrived in the account (international money transfer can take a while). Plus she lives in the suburb if a really expensive city (most expensive in the world). This is basically my worst nightmare and I wanted to avoid being in it. I can't imagine having a baby with so little money, I know other people do it, but I wouldn't choose it.while we obviously have more savings than that, I still don't feel ready emotionally and financially. I mean, 4 years ago, we didn't even own our place but now we do so things do change with time.

DH thinks I am just too lazy to be in the 'struggle' and we would be left with nothing if we did it my way. And his sister is doing the right thing cos she will figure things out and everything will end up ok.

This isn't related to the op (sorry, diverging) but I know lots of 'sensible' people who admitted they had kids a bit younger. It's true there's no right time, there's pros and cons to being longer or older. Having said that, it depends on the individual's circumstances

For me I don't think it's an age thing, necessarily. I would never have had kids in my twenties but I know friends who did, who were married, homeowners with decent careers by 23. That was just the way their lives worked out, through a mixture of hard work and luck/support.

But there are definitely things that are mandatory for me to have before a child:

• A stable, secure, happy relationship (marriage was important to me)
• Both parents actively wanting a child
• Being homeowners, or in a rental that is long term
• Savings in the bank enough for emergencies
• A certain income level which meant we'd be able to cover mat leave and then childcare costs
• Enough space (so not a one bed flat or house)

I know everyone is different and some people don't care about the above and that's their choice, cool. But I think it must be a social group/cultural thing. I grew in a very poor area where it was the done thing to have kids shortly after leaving school and a min wage job was the expectation. Whereas the social group I have now I've moved away, every single one of my friends in my ten-strong mums group waited until they'd been with their partners 2/3yr, were engaged or married, owned a property, and had a career and savings.

There is definitely a right time to have a baby, and definitely a wrong time. And there are 'good enough' times, too! But when people say there's never a right time I just don't get it. Maybe not for them, maybe in their own lives they reached a point where they weren't going to be able to achieve financial stability before an age where their fertility was at risk. That happens to a lot of people. But generally speaking there are definitely ideal times for a baby and terrible times for one too.

OP: if you don't want a baby yet, then it's the wrong time.