School residential- yes or no

[dogsandcoffee]

Hi all

I posted before asking for advice re my sons school residential- old thread here. www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4375729-School-being-unsympathetic-over-year-6-residential

Things have moved on a bit since then and I wanted to get your opinions on what to do.

The school went into overdrive when they heard ds was unsure about going- they talked the trip up a lot and as a consequence he decided he might want to go. We decided to pay the deposit and see what happened.

about a month ago we went to have a meeting with the headteacher to discuss ds’ food needs and how the place could cater for him. (he has several allergies). We were told that if kids don’t eat much then it’s ok and they’ll fill up when they come back! Also that ds could just have a jacket potato to eat. Seeing as he can’t have butter, cheese or tuna Mayo tho (cos of his allergies) he would be looking at a dry potato or potato and beans to eat.

then there’s his anxiety, which is my main concern. Headteacher told us that some kids will wet their beds and be upset about being away from home and shrugged it off like it was nothing. DS has panic attacks sometimes- full blown ones where he convinced he will die. I’m really worried about how he will cope. He literally doesn’t sleep at all if he’s not in his own bed. Headteacher also shrugged that off and said he can catch up on sleep when he gets back.

im stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he goes I know he won’t be eating or sleeping much and will be crying a lot wanting to be home. If he doesn’t go then he is missing out and will be the only kid in his class not going.

The trip is for 5 days and costs an arm and a leg.

really don’t know what to do!

I haven't read your previous thread so can only comment on this post but I wouldn't be sending him. The head seems very blasé about the food situation. It's not going to be much fun for your son if he only eats plain potatoes.

i assume a professional catering company will be providing the food so they should be able to cope. Allergies are very common amongst children nowadays so they shouldn’t be phased by it. I also wouldn’t worry if he didn’t have a very healthy diet for 5 days and only ate very plain food. Like the school says he can make up for it when he gets home.
I would let your son go. It does seem you are assuming the worst. Perhaps it might be the making of him? Worst comes to the worst he could come gone after a few days. The school gave probably seen panic attacks on residentials before.
Like most children in residentials he probably won’t sleep much the first night but after that they are generally so exhausted they slept like logs thereafter.
For what it’s worth I am a TA and have been on residentials and cub camps etc. My DS has Coeliac disease and also gets panic attacks and anxiety.
it was a big challenge for him to stay away from home but he did it and it definitely benefitted him.

Hi OP, I haven't read your other thread but I had a similar dilemma with my DS when he was in year 4. He was torn between feeling like he would miss out with his friends but really not wanting to stay away from home.

School said everyone was going - I think this is something they do to make people go as it turned out a few didn't. He decided to go and although he enjoyed aspects of it, he said he cried himself to sleep every night. On return the teacher said he cried every morning so obviously it was quite often!

I personally feel he was too young aged 9, he just wasn't ready to stay away for 4 days, because of this he refused to go on the year 6 trip then. I was worried he would really be missing out with this one as they were all older and off to secondary shortly afterwards, however he was adamant he didn't ever want to go on a residential again. We decided I would take a few days off work when the time came and we would do a few fun things together instead (I didn't tell him this at the time though) . As it turned out we went into lockdown and the whole thing never happened anyway.

I regret sending him in some ways as he wasn't emotionally ready and it has put him off anything now. He is 12 and never had a sleepover🙁

Don't send him if he is worrying about it. Could you use the time to do something that might boost his confidence in other ways? It really isn't worth it imo. It's not for everyone.

Usually these types of kids come into their own at a camp!

I would be positive with your child and let him go.

I read your other thread, yes it's worrying but they can cater for allergies, they won't be concerned about bed wetting (it's far more common than people think) and if he's enjoying himself then his anxiety will be lower. I was very worried about my dd, but she actually took the residential in her stride (a child who was picked up from school frequently due to panic attacks and seizures)

My DS with ASD was due to go on a 2 night residential in year 4. I had a meeting with the Senco and his class teacher, who poo-poohed all my concerns. I slept in my clothes on the first night thinking I'd have to go and get him. He survived! His class teacher was an odd shade of grey on collection as she'd been up with him in the night both nights.

He's done two more since then, both for longer and requiring ferries. I'm glad he had a short local one in his pocket, as it were, because starting with a big one would have been too much.

DD was very anxious and really worried about the year 6 residential. Her teacher had to phone me halfway through the week so she could reassure DD that I had not died while she wasn't looking. However, it was really good for her and she did have a good time apart from worrying about me (there was no reason to worry about me dying, I am perfectly healthy, so it was actually quite good for her to see that I continued to be fine when she wasn't there).

I would be a lot more worried about the food thing. How severe are his allergies and how good is he at managing them himself?

However, I would let him choose ultimately unless I felt it was unsafe (life-threatening allergies and lack of plan to deal with them).

I didn't send my child I. Year 6 to that residential because I know he would have hated it.

I sent him on another one in year 7 because it wasn't all zip lines. He didn't eat anything other than sweets and puked them all up. He doesn't go on residentials any more.

Does he want to go? I can't see anything saying he does. If he doesn't, all this 'he'll have a brilliant time when he gets there and will eat all the food' is just stuff that people would like to be true. It has not been my experience at all.

Sometimes he says he wants too and other times he says he doesn’t. Basically he will love having fun with his friends but hate the food, the zip wires/ abseiling type stuff, and sleeping away from home.

I get where the head it coming from. It could be the making of him and he'll survive even if it doesn't go exactly according to plan. I don't think you should discuss it with him, it's not good to give them too many options sometimes.

My dd is autistic and highly anxious. She didn't want to go so she didn't. We went to Center Parcs instead . She's never regretted it. I wouldn't send him.

I haven’t seen your earlier thread so dont know the backstory, however I had this dilemma with ds, he had just been diagnosed with ASD at the time. Was very particular about food, hated the water, heights etc. He frequently changed his mind about going and both him and I were heavily pushed by the school for him to go, how much he would miss out etc. He went and returned a broken child, didn’t speak for almost a week after it, his bag was full of urine soaked clothes, I felt awful and wish I had stuck to my gut. It was 4 years ago and he still won’t talk about it.

If he doesn't go, what message does it send to your DS? Other kids can cope with this, but YOU can't. You are too anxious. Your allergies are too much trouble. You will wet the bed and YOU are the only person this will happen to. You are setting him up for life of neurosis, low resilience and low self-esteem. If parents tell kids they can't do things, or that they are worried about their ability to do so, then they can't.
If he goes, there will be some days he doesn't get to eat especially healthily. He will survive. He might have to do a couple of activities he doesn't enjoy. He will survive. He might miss you at first, and cry. He will survive. He might wet the bed. He won't be the first, and he will survive. On the positive side, he will get to have fun times away with his friends, and those friendships will deepen. He will discover that he CAN do things. He will feel proud of himself for doing it despite his worries. He will probably see a few other children who struggle at first with homesickness, and this will reassure him that he isn't weird for feeling it but also that it passes. This isn't the Victorian era. Nobody will be cruel to him. They will gently jolly him along until he's busy having fun and forgets to feel homesick. Please don't allow your own anxieties to be carried forward to the next generation.

That's so horribly sad. I'm so sorry that happened to you and him. Honestly feel like crying because I recognise my own child in that.

Send him if he wants to go. All children are nervous but most manage it absolutely fine. Building resilience is so important. Be very clear on the allergies and ensure that you are listened to, and ensure that ds knows exactly what he can’t have (I’m sure he does already).

I’ve been on 3 residentials as a teacher. The first around 1/3 of the kids didn’t go, I think mostly financial reasons (though possibly some just didn’t want to as well). The last two every child went, even those who were anxious/parents were anxious, and it was all fine. There are always one or two who cry the first night, or maybe later in the week, but on the whole it’s short lived and they enjoy the week overall. If a child was up all night the first night upset, or up every night crying, I think I would call the parents to send them home. Clearly it is too much for that child.

dont worry about the food, lots of kids have allergies and I’m sure the place will be used to catering for this. I’ve never had a child go hungry! He may not eat desperately healthily or a balanced diet but I’m sure there will be something he can eat.

Just asked my adult DS whether he enjoyed his residential, and he replied ‘Not al all’

Not at all

Sigh. As I said I DONT want him to miss out and I don’t want to make him into an anxious wreck. I’m responding to how he is already! I’m trying to make the best decision for him. He isn’t a happy-go-lucky kid. I could easily see his experience being like @SurvivingTheGame described- not because I’m catastrophising, but because I’m his mum and I know my child.

@SurvivingTheGame im so sorry. That’s absolutely awful.

I get what some are saying, that it gives a poor message to him to not send him etc, but actually ime it has made my DS not want to ever 'risk' doing anything similar ever again! He won't go to certain activities for friends birthdays, won't do sleepovers at all. I worry about him but he just replays the year 4 residential and compares things to that. I can't help but feel if he hadn't gone (when he wasn't ready) he might be more open to trying the more common things his peers are currently doing now.

With secondary school coming up there will be lots more opportunities for your DS when he is maybe feeling more ready to cope. There are also likely to be choices and he can choose which trip suits him more. If he doesn't like the activities at this residential then he's not going to enjoy it much at all! My dd dislikes kayaking, high ropes etc but loved her Paris trip in year 8 visiting Disneyland and art galleries! Each to their own.

I have a dc with severe multiple food allergies, and he went to residential twice during primary school.

First one was a disaster. We trusted catering, and end up him having reaction to the food they served.

Second time, the school allowed him to take all the food with him, separate to his luggage.
We sent box full of food with him. Pasta/pasta sauces, bread, breakfast cereal, drinks, snacks, anything and everything we can think of.

Oh God, I wouldn't send him on an expensive trip where they wouldn't even properly accomadate food allergies. Sounds like he'll be miserable. He's got the rest of his life to go on holiday WHEN HE'S READY.

Regardless of what the school say not everyone will be going.

Yes, this was my experience. It was bloody awful. He was deeply traumatised by the experience. He has never even managed a sleepover at a friend's house.

I would listen to your child.

I went to guide camp when I was around that age. One week and I hated it. I still remember to this day how much. I was bullied and the food was disgusting. The guide leaders had their own kids there and favoured them all the way. I cried every day and my parents picked me up half way through.

Late in my life I joined the army and did pretty well, all my employment since has been outdoors and very active, so I don't think not completing my miserable week at guide camp had any impact whatsoever on my resilience tbh.