School residential- yes or no

[dogsandcoffee]

Hi all

I posted before asking for advice re my sons school residential- old thread here. www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4375729-School-being-unsympathetic-over-year-6-residential

Things have moved on a bit since then and I wanted to get your opinions on what to do.

The school went into overdrive when they heard ds was unsure about going- they talked the trip up a lot and as a consequence he decided he might want to go. We decided to pay the deposit and see what happened.

about a month ago we went to have a meeting with the headteacher to discuss ds’ food needs and how the place could cater for him. (he has several allergies). We were told that if kids don’t eat much then it’s ok and they’ll fill up when they come back! Also that ds could just have a jacket potato to eat. Seeing as he can’t have butter, cheese or tuna Mayo tho (cos of his allergies) he would be looking at a dry potato or potato and beans to eat.

then there’s his anxiety, which is my main concern. Headteacher told us that some kids will wet their beds and be upset about being away from home and shrugged it off like it was nothing. DS has panic attacks sometimes- full blown ones where he convinced he will die. I’m really worried about how he will cope. He literally doesn’t sleep at all if he’s not in his own bed. Headteacher also shrugged that off and said he can catch up on sleep when he gets back.

im stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he goes I know he won’t be eating or sleeping much and will be crying a lot wanting to be home. If he doesn’t go then he is missing out and will be the only kid in his class not going.

The trip is for 5 days and costs an arm and a leg.

really don’t know what to do!

There are other ways to build resilience. It sounds like he may need smaller steps first.

Surprised this has dragged on for so long tbh. Just say no. There will be many more residentials to come in secondary school, most kids don’t attend them all and this one doesn’t suit his needs. Just take the choice away from him and confirm he won’t be attending.

This is actually a very interesting way of thinking about it. Not going because you don’t want to is one thing. Not going because you’re ‘too anxious, too difficult to feed and generally too much hard work’ is a bit different.
Can you pack him up with a selection of sensible snacks that he can eat to top him up?? Granola bars, crackers (I don’t know what He eats)
Make sure he has familiar objects for sleeping.
As a teacher and a parent I’ve seen these trips be the making of some kids. The ones you just wouldn’t expect.
Staff really are used to dealing with all sorts on these trips.

The attitude to allergies alone is just crap - really unimpressive. By contrast, I have two DC with multiple allergies: their school puts me in direct contact with the residential centre to sort out every last bit of food planning (teacher copied in so they know the eventual plan). We have to make/send some stuff, but the centres are more than happy to match to what they're providing for everyone else. I don't know why the head is even telling you what the centre can/can't provide.

Their planned support for anxiety/lack of sleep is also useless. Again, I know my DC had friends in similar situations, and the teachers had detailed chats in advance with parents, and reassurance of the kids, about what the plans were for that individual.

I think with the allergies and that level of anxiety, I wouldn't send him unless he's better supported. I'm all for encouraging them to test their limits and not mollycoddling them (I sent an allergic, anxious one who has multiple other health conditions, and I actually stayed nearby just in case backup was required), but that response doesn't sound like it's going to keep him emotionally safe (or even physically safe with the allergies, as they're not on the ball enough).

MyASD child went on school residential trips. Maybe he didn’t eat that much some days, lots of the boys wet the beds, I think he slept better than when he was at home as he was exhausted. He hated primary school and was highly anxious and often hardly slept. He was fine on school trips the teachers were amazed and so was I.

WIth the way the school are handling it - not a chance.

DS is similar and he returned from his fine - because the teachers involved handled it really well. There was a communal area they put movies on until midnight (when they checked everyone was asleep) and he talked to the teachers for an hour of so watching the movies until he was comfortable.

When he struggled with food one of them got him extra sausages at breakfast, and carrots at dinner.

He felt supported and looked after and comfortable.

The success stories on this thread seem to have good teachers there. The bad ones I assume do not.

Your school seems to fall more in the latter

God, some of these stories. Big hugs to those of you whose poor kids were so badly supported for their needs.

I had a similar dilemma with DS. No food allergies but very fussy (related to anxiety) and severe anxiety issues. Luckily for us, his school had a great way of building up to the Y6 residentials, from a Y2 night in the school hall, to a Y3 one night away on school trip, Y4 two night residential, Y6 4 night residential. At each stage, we worried about sending him and he resisted but we sent him on all of them. The deciding factors for us were that he was going with friends and that none were so far away that we couldn't go and pick him up if needed. Despite the gradual build up, Y6 was still the most worrying - furthest away, longest, most expensive, most adventurous activities - though the fact DD had done them all before him helped (not as anxious, but certainly not adventurous) and we did the same as you - paid the deposit (despite him saying he didn't want to go) - but knew that if he didn't go we could afford to lose that. He went. He enjoyed some of it, hated a bit of it and coped with the rest, but we did think it was good for him.

Based on that, we pretty much forced him to go to a two-night trip in Y7 to the same place he'd gone in Y4 but it was awful - he and his friend spent the two days counting the hours until they could go home - basically they were put in a tent with the disruptive boys who were basically bullies as they thought quiet DS and his friend would be a good influence and DS/friend too anxious to tell a teacher.

So I'm glad we sent him in primary but not the secondary trip - think the difference in primary was that the teachers and TAs knew him well so took into account his issues and he knew all the other children which made him more comfortable. So think about which staff are going, whether his friends are going, etc, as that made the different I think.

5 days is a long time for a first trip, and a long time to be miserable - my ds's school did a 2 day one first in yr 3. I don't think I'd send him and I say that having not wanted to go on a Brownie residential, then was made to and loved it and wanted to stay longer - was only 2 nights max though. If it was 2 days I'd say send him for definite but I think 5 is too long with these issues, his anxiety and his uncertainty.

Remember the school might be pushing him to go because they need to make numbers to keep the price per person. That is not a reason though for your ds to go.

My DS has food allergies, anxiety and hates sleeping away from home. He is off on his Y6 residential in a few weeks.
To be honest, I wasn't sure when I paid the deposit if he'd do it (neither was he!).
What I've always said to him was to think about the end of Y6 - would he prefer to have missed the residential and the worry associated with it, or go away with his friends, even though some aspects will be challenging.
As the year has gone on he has become far more positive and is now looking forward to it.
I suspect he'll eat very little - he is very untrustworthy of food in new situations.
Our school expects everyone to go but we haven't felt pressurised by that. I've always told DS it's up to him - he got anxious that we'd paid the money, but I lied and told him we could get a full refund if he doesn't go.
I'm also going to give some crackers and oatcakes to the staff so he'll have something to nibble on if he doesn't like the food.
He'll take some things he uses to help calm him - lavender sleep spray, aromatherapy roll ons and his own pillow.
Every now and then I get anxious about how he'll cope - but try to hide it from him.

I think his separation anxiety is a big problem. Even when we are at home he follows me or dh from room to room. He takes a lot of settling at night and tons of cuddles. Often wakes up needing cuddles again. I have no clue how he would cope with 5 days away with that in mind.

Let him lead you. If he wants to go then let him, if he doesn’t then don’t force him to. When my kids went we said to them each time that if it was truly awful we would drive and collect them so they felt they had a ‘get out’ plan. We never had to collect them (4 different trips). Could it be that he’s picking up on your anxiety about the trip?

I wouldn’t send him. You don’t trust them. I wouldn’t. Don’t send him. You know him best and there’s plenty of time to do these things. Resilience isn’t built solely by throwing them in at the deep end pretty sure they won’t swim because the support they need isn’t there.

Listen to your gut and trust that.

I would not send him, the school does not seem to have provided the reassurance you need.

Gosh @dogsandcoffee that's such a tricky decision. I really feel for you

Have you been able to make some headway working towards this with him, staying overnight with a relative or close friend? Relative/friend staying with him in your house without you there?

Sorry I haven't read full thread but obviously it's pretty expensive so big loss of money if he doesn't go on the day. And a long way away if he had to come home on 2nd day!

Just a suggestion so feel free to ignore if not possible. Relative of mine is Scout leader and they had child with similar issues who wanted to go to camp, was 4 nights and couple of hours away. Parent went and stayed in B&B nearby. Child managed the 1st 2 nights but then stayed with parent after that as couldn't cope but was still able to join in during daytime.

Otherwise I probably wouldn't send him as it's all so stressful.

I didn't go on my school residential. I didn't want to go and thank god my parents didn't make me. I was an anxious child and wouldn't have coped. In my teen years I travelled the world with youth organisation, going away several times a year. I was ready and it was my choice.

Have you tried anything for his separation anxiety, that seems extreme for a child of his age. How does he cope at school? When you drop him off? Does he do clubs?

Just a suggestion so feel free to ignore if not possible. Relative of mine is Scout leader and they had child with similar issues who wanted to go to camp, was 4 nights and couple of hours away. Parent went and stayed in B&B nearby. Child managed the 1st 2 nights but then stayed with parent after that as couldn't cope but was still able to join in during daytime
I was about to suggest similar. One of my DS's friends has ASD and his Mum had a lot of concerns about their residential but also didn't want him to miss out. So he went for the days and spent the nights at home (it was a reasonable travelling distance fortunately). If i recall rightly he asked to stay with his friends for the last night and his Mum booked somewhere very near to stay that night.
Obviously that wouldn't always be feasible but it might be worth exploring some "half way house" ideas, even if it's only going for one day maybe? 5 days sounds like it would be too much for him from what you say though, and the school's response isn't exactly reassuring so I can understand your worries.

@toomuchlaundry he used to cry for years at school drop off but now he’s ok with a hug. He kind of hovers with me for a sec while I repeat what time I’m picking him up, give him a hug and then off he goes.

@MrsAvocet the destination is 5 hours away unfortunately and I’d have to take a week off work to stay nearby. So not very easy really.

@toomuchlaundry yes he does clubs happily. And goes to friends houses, although he is sometimes tearful when I pick him up.

I'm quite a brisk sort of person and frankly -
I wouldn't send him.

As a child, there were things my parents insisted I do, and things they allowed me not to. Far more things in the former group. But I didn't want to go on the French exchange, which was nominally voluntary but in practice - nearly everyone went. I couldn't think of anything worse and I'm not sure my parents were that keen on the reciprocal leg, given how small our house was.

Bloody head of department tried to wear me down, and would even ambush me. I stuck firm.

It was fucking miserable, by all reports. An actual disaster. I'm not sure how well these things were vetted in the 90s, tbh. Absolutely no one had a good time, and a great many spent the entire time begging their parents to come home. No slur on the French, but it was a very rural community and a couple of kids were upset by the rabbits and chicken kept in small hutches and runs, and destined for the evening's stew pot. One host family had a brother who was a bit 'handsy'. One girl went into anaphylaxis despite assurance the school was allergy aware. In the end a couple of parents drove over to get their children.

Don't send him if he's going to be miserable. These things aren't always character-building.

I've led many residentials. There are a few options you could consider.

1. Send him with all his own food: snack bars, cup a soups, crisps, porridge pots etc. Not what you might normally feed him but it's only a couple of days.
2. Could you stay in a hotel nearby so he knows you can come for him if he's anxious.
3. Could he travel up/down to the centre each day and come home to sleep?

Personally, I'd send him with his own food and just be positive about the experience. It does kids the world of good.

@Outoutoutshout the residential is 5 hours away

Famous last words since covid, but I think there will be other other opportunities later. He doesn't need to be "made" now. He'll probably be absolutely fine to go on a school trip in Y9 or 10 whether he goes now or not.

It sounds like he might manage 2 days, but 5 days is too long. It can be great to be challenged and get out of your comfort zone and learn you can get through, but if it's too much, too soon it could shatter him. There's also security for him in understanding that you will push back against authority/the done thing for what you believe to be his interests. Even if he thinks you are wrong!

This sounds rubbish, just say no. The head sounds dreadful! And very bossy.

One of mine never went on any school trips, they toddled off to Uni happily and they are going off wherever they want to now.

I never did buy into any of the bullshit that you have to force your kids to do things before they are ready in order to help them do things when they are ready