Later-life babies?

[anyproblem]

Anyone on here (themselves or their partner) had children in their late 40s/early 50s?

Just gathering some opinions as we are considering more DC. DH is 50.

Sorry @SeemsSoUnfair the beginning of my message erased itself.
I said I agreed with you, but what you're saying is true whatever age you have your children.

Had my first at 38 and it was dicey AF. A lot more stressful with regards things that can go wrong.
but dont delay if you want to go for it.

Good for you - had I set that as my cut off if not have any children and wouldn’t have the most amazing twins in my life now. I know which I’d have preferred!!

My DM was 40 when I was born, and she's neatly 90 now. My OHs mum was in her early 20s when she had him, but sadly died of cancer at 42. There are no guarantees in this life, so personally I wouldn't let age hold you back.

Agree but, it is much much more likely parents in their 70s are going to have chronic illness than in their 50s and they are also less likely to be able to cope with it.

My mum had her first encounter with cancer in her very early 60s and she took it all in her stride, even flying from Scotland to London to the centre of excellence for her rare cancer for assessments every 3 months for a few years. When she had another encounter with a different cancer, much less serious, more manageable with much less invasive treatment than the first, in her early 70s she fell to pieces and needed a lot of support. She was incapable of getting to the local hospital 5 miles up the road, talking to or understanding her Drs and needed much more support. Dad couldn't help as he was housebound by this point with COPD.

I can not image being in my 20s, perhaps just finishing uni, trying to kick off a career working more than FT, wanting to socialise with friends and having to deal with all that too.

You also have no idea what the future holds, health-wise. At the time my DP had my sibs in their late 30s/early 40s, they were both fit and well. They came from long lived families - their own parents went on to live into their late 80s/90s, and were able to live independently till a few weeks before their deaths. So my DP probably thought they would be fine well into their late 70s/80s. Unfortunately, they both developed illnesses that killed them much younger.

Of course, sadly, even parents who have kids in their 20s can die before the kids reach adulthood but, statistically, you'd be very unlucky to lose both parents at that young an age.

I do agree that older parents can off-set some of the practical impact on their DC by planning for older age and poor health (much harder if you don't have money though). But you can't protect your DC from the sadness of losing you as teens or young adults, or from the loss of getting to know you as an adult, and having your support.

My parents were in their 20s when they had me; I was in my 40s when I had mine - she has three grandparents whereas I had one!!

Jesus, I’m not surprised. I’d have been on my knees.

My MIL has been saying all weekend that she wants to move in with us. We've gone on a trip togetherz She's mid 70's, but I said that's not possible when we have a young family. So I see this as a get out of jail card. Sorry we have a 5 and 2 year old.

Plus my grandfather lived with us when young and it was very challenging, so I told her I wouldn't be repeating this. She has 3 other children, one her DD, with no children who's actually single and a big house. I know she wouldn't even try this on them. I'm not even her child, but she tries it on me rather than her son as she knows he's laugh at her.

@RampantIvy exactly and there no guarantee your children will have kids ever. My DH's Dad died very young too in a accident.

DD is adamant that she doesn't want children. It's fine by me. It's her life not mine. She has never liked babies or toddlers, even from being very young.

I had my daughter at 43. She's now 2 and I'm shattered but most of the younger mums are shattered too. I'd have liked to have been younger but I didn't meet my husband until I was 35 and we went through 7 years of infertility and IVF (diagnosis was male infertility but I kept getting older of course). I eventually had my daughter with donor eggs. We still have 2 frozen embryos but I feel like I'm too old now at nearly 46 which saddens me. Most of my friends' children are teenagers so I'd worry about judgement.

I had my daughter at 43 and (wanted to have her younger but circumstances didn't work out). Yes I'm tired but I still do everything my younger counterparts do. I take her to loads of activities, run around with her at soft play and at the park. My mum is 71 and regularly looks after her and has plenty energy to do so.

40/41 here.
Cons: Exhausted mainly due to menopause, may not see grandchildren
Pros: Extensively travelled when younger, established in career so good earning potential for school fees, Confidence I didn't have when younger

How do you mean? Can you share some stories?

I know four couples where the dad was in his 50s when the child was born. (Note - my eldest is now 12 so I know up to then but haven’t had teenage years yet.)

Couple 1 - dad late 50s, mum mid 40s. Dad retired when son was very young with good pension. Dad does a lot of the parenting. Mum works part time and is happy with that. It seems very good. They are both more tired than your average parents of a tween but because dad doesn’t work they are able to cope fine. Some problems with dad’s older children - who are a bit freaked out by having a sibling the same age as their own child but it seems to be working ok.

Couple 2 - dad early - mid 50s, mum late 30s. All fine until dad got to early 60s and (quite reasonably) wanted to retire. Kids about 7 and 11 then. Dad retired. Pension ok but not enough to support a family so mum has to work part time. Dad wants to spend his retirement on a golf course so mum is working full time plus doing the majority of the childcare. Couple now divorcing as mum got very resentful.

Couple 3 - similar to 2 but dad took over a lot of the parenting when he retired. Mum occasionally a bit fed up that she did all the nappies and sleepless nights and is now working full time whilst dad gets football matches and orchestra.

Couple 4 - mum mid - late 40s, dad early 50s. Baby a “surprise” in that they tried for over a decade and had given up. Both still working and happy but “starting to feel their age” and concerned they can’t retire as school fees to pay.

Sorry - for couple 2 above - mum is working full time. She was part time until dad retired.

My grandparents were older parents, it meant they both died when I was little so my parents were looking after small children and dying parents. Obviously not ideal. However, it also meant my parents got an inheritance at a time that was actually useful to them as they could use it for a family home we all benefited from so there's that. I do wish I'd had a chance to get to know them.

Due to circumstances outside our control, I had DS at 35 and DD at 39. I am now 43. Didn’t strike me as particularly old, tbh (DP is same age).
Both sets of parents are still healthy and active but mid seventies, so the next 5-10 years might see them slowing down.

It all seems normal to me. Maybe this is because our friends are all in the same boat and it’s not unusual at the school gates, etc. I would have like my first at 30, but that’s only a 5 year difference really.

Planning and accepting the stages of life you are at and what the future will look like is key, I think. The bonus of this stage is we are more financially secure, have more life experience and so on to be able to cope with aging parents and their needs, which offsets having everyone being younger.

Just be realistic about your own life, personalities and expectations 🤷🏼‍♀️

See, that's one thing I don't 'get.' This whole idea that you can't travel with children. I travelled alone a few times, and with friends, and with DH too, and have travelled' extensively' with the DC too. We have always had an amazing time on holiday with our DC, and I never understand this mantra that people who are child-free (or who had them 38-40 ish,) come out with. That you can't do shit when you have children. Some of the best experiences of my life have been with my DC.

See, that's one thing I don't 'get.' This whole idea that you can't travel with children.

Of course you can, but it is a different kind of holiday with children. Children impact your lifestyle at home so of course they will impact how you spend your holiday.

They do impact it but to what extent? For example, I can’t take my dc kayaking around the Whitsundays. They are too young, but also I can’t find an operator that takes under 18s even when they do get old enough to be capable (I’d put this at about 10yo). But I can take them to multiple continents, travelling around for weeks on end, huge national parks etc etc. camping is for when they are out of nappies to be fair. The world is a huge and varied place, I don’t really feel constrained by the children and soon enough they will be able to carry all the hiking gear for us and we will have to keep up.

My dad was 47 when when I was born. I’m 42 and I have spent the last decade of my life dealing with him getting older and his spiral into dementia is now killing me and ruining my own family life.

My mum was 32, so they thought all would be fine as she was younger, but she died from cancer when I was 9.

I am an only child though with no aunts/uncles/cousins which makes a massive difference.

I had my last baby at 40, so I obviously learned nothing from my experience. She has two older siblings though so she won’t end up like me and my husband is younger than me and hopefully, won’t die horribly young like my mum did.

You can never know what life will throw at you.

@CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach I agree.

Had kids in my mid twenties, from late thirties onwards we travelled extensively. I loved travelling with teens and even more now they are young adults.

A lot of it is about the way it interacts with having your own children, if you do. Having seen the huge toll that juggling elderly parents and teenagers has taken on people I know that's bad enough, let alone caring for elderly parents and very young children.