Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

Simply this...

No justification at all for the health visitor turning up when the parent has expressly refused consent for this.

OP didn't refuse consent @wherethewildthingis . She just cancelled all the appointments.

Well said @NeverDropYourMooncup

Yes it's optional but it makes you look a bit suspect if you don't. The only person I know who declined the health visitor was someone who had a filthy house. And I don't just mean a bit messy, I mean every surface covered with rubbish and cat mess. I'm not suggesting you are mistreating your child in any way but from the outside it will look like you have something to hide.
I'm a bit on the fence with health visitors. I've got four kids so I know what I'm doing but they offer advice based on current guidelines. And I don't take every bit of their information on board because as a parent I can make informed decisions for my own children. But it's box ticking to say they've done their job.
Beside all that I've had kids with eye problems and development issues and the first person to go to is the health visitor, then it's through them you get referred to the relevant people. And I'm sure for more inexperienced new mums they are a source of information and reassurance.

OP is welcome to decline healthcare or check ups for herself, but should somebody be able to do this for their child? 😱of course you should. You can refuse any treatment for yourself or your child. If a Dr really thought they needed the treatment they would go to court to over rule you. Surely you don’t think anything else is ok?

The appropriate person to speak to if you think your child is autistic is A DOCTOR not a HV or a nursery school teacher or a teacher at school. They are IMO detrimental to the dr/patient relationship and create yet another barrier to mothers being treated with the same respect and diligence as anyone else.

Yes you can refuse treatment. But refuse a simple check up?! Given how many kids are abused at home, do you really think a mandated check up is more risky than allowing parents to simply drop off the radar with their newborn?

What were you smiling nodding and ignoring can I ask?

Pointing out she was wrong and the guidlines were x or I was following medical advice never went down well. At one visit I relayed what I'd been told she insited I was talking rubbish was very dismissive rang up on my phone and got told exactly the same as me - then tried to play it off like what she was repeating was differnt to what I'd said despite family member as witness there with me agreeing it was the same word for word.

We tired asking for another one but got told we couldn't change as there was a shortage of HV in area.

So spoke to my parents and wider family and other mothers in areas - many who'd had this HV - and the advice was smile nod and ignore - any concerns seek out help from other sources as disagreeing or complaining got you no-where and best you could get was to appear to go along with everything they said and then they'd leave you alone which proved to be correct.

I was following current guildines - bf, weaning, sleeping following medical advice around eczema and chridal cap - we weren't doing anything odd were seen regulary at children centers and staff there - no one had any concerns about any us and frankly we didn't need additional stresses in our lives as we were very busy or I'd have been firmer about opting out of service.

It was path of least resistance.

I actually think it’s a bit odd to turn down the checks - it’s useful to have a professional opinion on development, and even if you’re fairly educated you can be a bit blinkered or overly fixated on things when it’s your child.

I found all the checks pointless with my eldest, and fairly pointless with my youngest too. However, my youngest is being assessed for ASD and the two times I contacted them with developmental concerns (the first when he wasn’t walking and the second when we were querying ASD) they were outstanding and pulled out all the stops. We didn’t meet the criteria for a referral the first time for the walking issue - HV rang the clinic and got the referral pushed through. With the ASD referral the HV was again wonderful, answered all my questions, gave me her number to text questions on too. I’ve been far more positive about HV since then!

Probably not a popular opinion but I wouldn’t mind if they made it a compulsory service, I bet it would pick up some safeguarding issues earlier in some instances, and such would be of benefit to the children, much as I’m sure it would irritate parents.

@Organictangerine weirdly I refused a check up very recently for my son who is much older but was already quite overwhelmed with appointments. Sometimes the person who cares fora child knows best.🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes but that’s quite different from simply not wanting appointments because you can’t be bothered and feel they undermine your mothering prowess. I think babies should be seen fairly regularly by some kind of professional in a safeguarding capacity. Once they reach school age, it’s easier as their teacher sees them every day. I’m not saying it’s a foolproof system but what’s the alternative? Make it the norm for newborns to be taken home from hospital and not seen again until they are 5? Way too risky.

I’m a summer baby and I went to a school nursery (half day) and stayed at that school throughout my primary school years. I had only just turned 3. I was the first to read and write. Gifted and talented schemes etc. What’s wrong with going to nursery for 15hrs a week where dc can learn and develop through play? Things like social, language and gross/fine motor skills are so important.

As much as you didn't want it, which is fair enough, they are probably checking for safeguarding purposes and good on them for that as too many children are being missed and there are some horrific cases of abuse/death/neglect.

I think you were a little unreasonable OP

@RedWingBoots No doubt if the OP and a few others start turning down HV appointments and making a fuss a government will legislate at some point that unless your young child is in childcare, you have to see a HV.

I don't see why, no other country does! It's not normal to have them. It's only the UK that has this weird thing about having HVs.

I'd rather take my child to an ACTUAL DOCTOR thank you very much, not some nurse or midwife. I would not accept some nurse or midwife seeing my child at home. Maybe I have higher standards. Thank god I'm not in the UK. There is no way in the world I'd ever accept some quack 'HV' in my home. I'd rather take my child to a real actual doctor.

Clearly you fail to understand that health visitors are educated to degree level and specifically trained to work with babies and toddlers. A real, actual doctor without paediatric training would be as much use as a real, actual chocolate teapot.

@dollymuchymuchness

I'd rather take my child to an ACTUAL DOCTOR thank you very much, not some nurse or midwife.

You're bizarrely having a go at a poster who didn't imply nurses or midwives are (your words) 'ACTUAL DOCTORS'. Nobody has said they are. That poster was pointing out that they are still medically trained and said that if you can't see a GP, they are an alternative and can prescribe.

So no, nurses and midwives aren't 'quacks', they're medically trained. It says much more about you than anyone else that you look down on them with such a sneering, dismissive attitude.

@Blossomtoes Are you saying Doctors aren't educated to a Degree level?

And often seeing a nurse specialising in paeds could in fact get to the root of a health issue in a child quicker than a GP - something any good GP will tell you!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I would not want some nurse prescribing anything for my child. I only want a Doctor to do that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn A doctor specialising in paeds, yes. Not some nurse.

You would rather your child go without medical help and potentially wait until a doctor is available and an issue worsens than get help sooner from a qualified nurse, including one who specialises in paeds? Gosh.

Radiologists are medically trained too. That doesn't mean I'd want them prescribing medication to my child.

It's very odd how you say 'some nurse' as if there's no meaning at all in their job title. You clearly don't understand the training required for the role, perhaps it's because you aren't in the UK (which you say you're pleased about) and it's a different process where you are. From a UK perspective though, you really are making yourself sound silly. Your prerogative though!

@youvegottenminuteslynn No, I would take my child to a doctor or to A&E, where they would be seen to by..... a doctor.

@youvegottenminuteslynn A nurse is not a doctor. They perform backup to a doctor, but they are not a doctor.