Page 5 | Worst dates - I need a laugh!

GetupStandup · 2022-04-20T18:55:39+00:00

I’ll start: Went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app but he was from my hometown. We both worked in the city so we arranged to meet in what he commented was ‘a very swanky bar’. The entire night he spoke about money, how much he earned, how must his house cost, his investments, how much the fucking round of drinks he just bought us came to. Told me to check out the menu at how expensive the drinks are there (his idea to go..) If he wasn’t talking about money he would ask me questions like: ’if you could be any chocolate bar, what would you be and why?’ … or ’how much can you lift?’ 😂 As we’re from the same town we had to get the overground train back together and it was absolutely rammed. I pointed out an empty seat and he pretty much knocked me clean out trying to RACE me for it. He sat down looking all smug so I fucked off to the next carriage instead… Any others?

whynotwhatknot · 24/04/2022 12:30

MrsToothyBitch · 24/04/2022 12:06

@whynotwhatknot he kept playing the drums on/tapping out tunes on his knees and not quite beat boxing but adding "bu-dum-tshh" sort of sounds. If you've ever seen SATC it was a bit like when Carrie dates the jazz guy who keeps scatting or getting into rhythms. He was a professional musician but still- time & place!

He also saw that there is a bakery near where we met that had the same name as the slightly less common surname of a famous jazz musician. We had to go on a walk past it because he wanted to see if it was anything to do with the musician. It is not and it's also never looked that nice to me. It was so awkward. He also wore a maroon paisley bowtie. I don't know how/why I decided a second date was a good idea.

ah i get you quite annoying then

benevernomore · 24/04/2022 13:10

Read more of this thread now. It’s actually depressing, the sheer volume of arrogant, entitled men.
I’ve not found this thread funny after all.

Verity226 · 24/04/2022 13:13

I once went on a date with a man who spent 10 minutes explaining how he doesn't generally buy women drinks on a date as they don't automatically 'deserve' them. He clearly wanted me to think myself lucky.

He also had a large bogey obstructing the entire circumference of his nostril for the duration of the date.

I stayed half an hour and made my excuses 😂

YummieMummyof3 · 24/04/2022 13:44

I went to a singles evening around 15 years ago. Before going I felt I was to old, aged 39 and would be out of place.
Well I was out of place! I was the youngest one there.
I was being chatted up by an elderly man in a walking frame! Another aged man caught my attention by telling me about his National Service. He then quickly changed the subject to his health. He told me he has prostrate trouble, I replied oh dear! He then said when I put my dick away I get a wet leg.
I went to the toilet and left very quickly.

theDudesmummy · 24/04/2022 14:15

This was about 20 years ago, I was recently divorced and a friend who lives in a different country contacted me about a colleague of hers who was coming to London for a conference, would I go on a date with him? OK said I. As London is my home town and he didn't know it at all, I said I would make the booking. It was fireworks night so I thought a place where he could see the fireworks and have a good view of London would be exciting for him. I booked for such a place, it was expensive but we were both professionals at about the same level and I could afford my share so assumed he could too.

It was a very swanky central London place. I made a bit of an effort in my appearance, dress etc. He turned up in a pair of beige slacks and and an old baby blue cardigan. Oh well, I thought, maybe he is an endearing eccentric. He wasn't. He spent half the dinner going on about his work (gastroenterology, all very well but you don't really want to spend most of your dinner on it). The other half of the time he spoke about how his wife (!) didn't understand him and he was thinking of getting divorced. He did not mention the view, including the spectacular fireworks going off all over London, at all.

Then the bill came, and just as it arrived he went to the loo for quite a time. When he came back he just carried on talking, with the bill between us on the table, made no effort to look at it or take out his wallet etc. I sat for a bit, listening to him continuing to talk about his wife, then picked up the bill and paid it. He made no reaction at all. I got up to leave and he asked if I would give him a lift to his hotel as London taxis are so expensive.

I am ashamed to say that I did give him the lift. To this day I cannot fathom why I did not just walk out.

MrsPetty · 25/04/2022 00:24

So many 🤦🏼‍♀️ A guy who took me to a fencing lesson and then told me he had to be very careful of halitosis as he had dental crowding. A man who suffered with a mental condition called ‘over inclusiveness’. I only found out when I asked him why he needed to tell me where the mens toilets were. A man who dribbled all down the side of his cup when he drank his coffee. The one who was ridic handsome but didn’t utter a word to me all night. Totally monosyllabic with zero conversational skills. The blind date who showed up with his dog. Just so many 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 01:24

Not a first date, but about three or four dates in. We'd snogged anyway. Met after work for a very classy KFC (!) but it had no loos so went across the road to the pub (no I don't know why we didn't just eat in the pub either). Came out and he was still in the loo. Waited. In the end I got worried and sent the batman in to check. He wasn't there. He must have legged it as soon as I went to pee. He messaged me a few weeks later to apologise but he'd had to break it off as he had a gf!!

Had a first date at pizza hut, he suggested the full three course thing for lunch, then spent forever talking about his cat and the disco ball he brought it for Xmas which I could see if I came back to his and then we could eat out at his local pub for dinner. So basically go back to his on the first date as it was a good 30 minutes by car. I actually prayed when I went to the loo that he'd have disappeared, he was so boring. Came back and dammit he was there. I tried to pay half and he insisted he'd pay, did so and then asked again about me coming back to his. I told him no as I needed to get back... He looked baffled I'd turn him down.

dipdye · 25/04/2022 01:58

Andrew sounds as interesting as a bag of spanners let's face it. Wanker. Bullet dodged there

DeeCeeCherry · 25/04/2022 02:26

JeanMarie
While I was contemplating my break for freedom he went to open another bottle of wine. I heard him call my name and when I looked round the door....there he was....stark bollock naked with two wine glasses. He nodded 'suggestively' towards the stairs. It was then I noticed the coup we grace....he had also removed his teeth.....I hadn't even noticed that he had false teeth!

Thats it..I am fucking done...I cant take the internet any longer
FFS
😂😂😂😂😂

CanadianJohn · 25/04/2022 05:10

MrsPetty
The blind date who showed up with his dog.

Was it a seeing eye dog?

KissedintheDark · 25/04/2022 06:10

BattenbergdowntheHatches

Is banjo string a euphemism?

savedbyanalien · 25/04/2022 06:17

JeanMarie · 21/04/2022 13:47

I could write a book about disastrous dates!

One guy invited me to his for dinner. The dinner turned out to be a take-away pizza he collected on the way to his house. Mine had a long black hair 'baked' into the crust so I couldn't eat it. He rang the pizza place, as I thought , to complain and get me another but no...it was to arrange a replacement one he would pick up another night. He didn't share his either. I had brought wine and he necked the lot! While I was contemplating my break for freedom he went to open another bottle of wine. I heard him call my name and when I looked round the door....there he was....stark bollock naked with two wine glasses. He nodded 'suggestively' towards the stairs. It was then I noticed the coup we grace....he had also removed his teeth.....I hadn't even noticed that he had false teeth!
I gathered what was left of my wits (and my coat) and ran. I didn't have a mobile phone then and found the nearest phone box and rang a taxi. The operator must have heard the angst in my voice and sent a female taxi driver. Once I got in the cab I relaxed....told the driver what had happened and we laughed so much she had to stop in a layby to compose herself. He kinda did me a favour though....I dined out on that story for years.

😁😁😁

😂😂

savedbyanalien · 25/04/2022 06:30

Maskless · 21/04/2022 20:38

From half a century ago:

When I was a penniless schoolgirl of 14 I was really flattered that a good-looking, charming bloke of about 18 who I got chatting to at a bus stop one Saturday morning invited me to go to a cafe with him, where he was meeting a mate. He seemed very grown up, had a job and money, nice clothes, and seemed very worldly and sophisticated.

He was incredibly generous, told me and his friend to order ANYTHING we wanted from the menu, it was all on him. We all had a main course and desert, then his friend looked at his watch and said he had to get back to work. He offered to pay his share but "my" boy waved his hand, saying "Nah, mate, this one's on me!"

We sat there for about another 2 hours or so, chatting and ordering various drinks: alcohol for him, Cokes and milkshakes for me, plus an ice cream sundae. He was incredibly generous, kept saying, "have whatever you like". I felt really spoiled but he kept saying he could afford it as he earned good money.

When he ran out of his cigarettes (we'd both been smoking them) he stood up and said he was just popping to the newsagent next door for a new packet. I sat there, slurping up yet another milkshake, and waited for him to return.

And waited.

He'd done a runner.

I can still feel the shame and the fear I felt when the waiter handed me the bill. It was the equivalent of about £50 today, and all I had was 5p for my bus fare home!

It was excruciatingly embarrassing. The waiter was waving the bill at me, asking who was going to pay it. I panicked and ran out of the door and ran as fast as I could, down side streets and alleys until I felt he could not find me, then I loped home.

I had to avoid walking past that cafe for MONTHS.

Omg! Haha

funnylittlebunny · 25/04/2022 07:13

This happened on my first ever date.

All going well until we bumped into his ex and he told me to wait whilst they had a chat.

I sat and watched as they both walked out of the cafe and down the street.

Thinking to myself WTAF!

I waited and waited. After about half hour I got up and left.

Walking back through the town centre I see them both sat on a bench, coffees in hand, talking and laughing!

I ran the other way and went home.

He text later that evening asking why I left.
Instead of blocking him there and then I told him what I saw.
He replied saying that him and ex have a lot of history together and are still friends so I'd have to get used to things like that happening!

Then I blocked him. I did cry for a good week after though.

DressingPafe · 25/04/2022 07:49

OLD is the perfect way to have a bad date!

Some of my highlights are the guy who revealed himself to be a flat earther after buying me a drink, who then pointedly said “your round” after the first drink, obliging me to then sit there for second while he banged on about the earth being flat.

Another guy, we went to a restaurant. I ordered my food then he said he wasn’t eating and just ordered a drink. It was excruciating eating my meal while he just sat there.

Another guy, in a bar that did food. I went to the loo, came back and he said “I’ve ordered myself something to eat as I’m hungry” so then I was the one sitting there while he ate.

Then another one had printed off my online profile, pulled it out of his bag and proceeded to grill me on it!

But the worst by far. Third date, went for a walk in the afternoon. Agreed to have a coffee at his (made it clear it was just coffee). 10 minutes in he asked me if I would mind if he went to his room and had a wank! And says “you can come and watch me if you want”. Needless to say, made my excuses, left and blocked him.

I’ve given up now. Sadly my bad date stories far outweigh my good ones.

SunshineAndFizz · 25/04/2022 09:46

Happened to a friend...

He met a nice guy while out clubbing, they exchanged numbers and arranged for a daytime date of food/drinks. All was going really well, the hours flew by and when the date asked if he fancied carrying on having drinks into the evening he said yes. Date said do you mind if I quickly pop home to change my shirt into something more appropriate for the evening (he lived a couple of streets away) my friend said no problem.

Walked him to his flat, first red flag were the bars on the windows. Got inside and there was a communal living room with lots of men sitting on the floor in a circle, with an older man sat on a chair talking to them (second red flag). Date announced to the room that my friend was his new bf (third red flag) and everyone turned round to say hi and waved, asking them to sit with them.

Turns out he was in some sort of housing for people being released from prison to help them ease back into society. Date had failed to mention any of this.

My friend got out there as quickly as possible!!

Realitea · 25/04/2022 09:54

I went on a blind date with a magician about 15 years ago. He cried while telling me his dove had just died and he didn’t know when he could do his dove trick again.
We didn’t meet again.

Martz · 25/04/2022 10:23

My friend set me up on a date with someone she worked with. He fancied himself as a bit of an impressionist and kept doing really bad and really loud impressions, and then chanting “Guess that voice” at me until I guessed who he was meant to be impersonating. It was so awkward because they were so bad that I didn’t know who any of them were. He made a noise like a game show buzzer every time I guessed wrong too. Eventually he said the next one would be easy to guess, and he then started to cackle loudly. Naturally, my guess was “a witch?” And he said “well obviously yes, but which one?”… I couldn’t guess because it was just a generic witch cackle. He then proceeded to repeatedly cackle at me over and over again while I reeled off every witch I could think of to make him shut the fuck up! He then hissed at a bemused person sat at the next table because they were staring at him. I was so mortified. It was such bizarre behaviour that when I excused myself to go to the loo (was actually going to ring my friend and ask what the fuck this person was that she’d set me up with), a random lady followed me in to ask if I needed her help to leave. She said she was with her husband and they’d finished their meal a while back, but had hung around because I looked so uncomfortable and they wanted to make sure I was okay haha. I didn’t accept their kind offer as I was already planning to tell him I was leaving anyway. My friend was so confused when I told her how he’d behaved, apparently at work he was very quiet and shy. She later told me he’d gone into work and told her he thought the date had gone well!!! It’s not the worst date I’ve ever had either, but it’s definitely up there with the weirdest ones.

timestheyarechanging · 25/04/2022 10:37

Talked non stop about his Rolex collection, like I'd be impressed.
I said I was going outside for a cig but rang a cab and went home! Blocked him.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 25/04/2022 11:04

Wheelz46 · 21/04/2022 06:47

I went on a date with a guy and when he was taking me home, he turned to me and said 'What if I was a serial killer?' 😱

Obviously, I lived to tell the tale but remember bricking it all the way home and couldn't get out of his car fast enough!

The correct answer to that is "well it would be a bit of a coincidence for 2 serial killers to be in the same car at the same time...."

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2022 20:50

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 25/04/2022 11:04

The correct answer to that is "well it would be a bit of a coincidence for 2 serial killers to be in the same car at the same time...."

Show quote history

Love this

JeffThePilot · 26/04/2022 00:34

In the end I got worried and sent the batman in to check.

It might’ve been a terrible date but at least you got to meet Batman, @SleepingStandingUp 😊

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/04/2022 19:22

Went on a first date to meet thislovely guy I had been chatting to online then on the phone a lot. His profile pics were lovely and he explained he played lot of sports and loved to go walking etc,Just my cup of tea I thought! Day of date,hair done,manicure.pedicure,new outfitgot on train to meet him, I arrived no one on the platform.I slightly panicked and decided to take a walk down the platform to see if he was in the car park.No one about except for a man in a wheelchair with a lady,Yep it was him and his carer.The photo he expained was of someone who was on an american tv show not him, His carer was to accompany him as his motorized chair was broken and she had to push! FFS rugby playing tall handsome man indeed not ...19 yr old man who looked like benny hill in a blanket,not 35 yrs old either. I came home he then messaged me telling me he had killed himself because of me...the irony!

MotherofWhippets81 · 12/05/2024 06:51

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/04/2022 19:22

Went on a first date to meet thislovely guy I had been chatting to online then on the phone a lot. His profile pics were lovely and he explained he played lot of sports and loved to go walking etc,Just my cup of tea I thought! Day of date,hair done,manicure.pedicure,new outfitgot on train to meet him, I arrived no one on the platform.I slightly panicked and decided to take a walk down the platform to see if he was in the car park.No one about except for a man in a wheelchair with a lady,Yep it was him and his carer.The photo he expained was of someone who was on an american tv show not him, His carer was to accompany him as his motorized chair was broken and she had to push! FFS rugby playing tall handsome man indeed not ...19 yr old man who looked like benny hill in a blanket,not 35 yrs old either. I came home he then messaged me telling me he had killed himself because of me...the irony!

That's awful and quite frightening really. Surprised his carer went along with it if she knew the full facts.

Scary thing is in my younger days I would probably have gone along with the 'date' not wanting to appear rude or anything. Today I would do the same as you and turn around and get back on a train. It's not that he's in a wheelchair - it's the deception to get you there shudder

AliceKyteler · 12/05/2024 07:31

Read me a long love poem they'd written about someone else.
Then robbed me.

Worst dates - I need a laugh!

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