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Original poster

Worst dates - I need a laugh!

125 replies

GetupStandup · 20/04/2022 19:55

I’ll start:

Went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app but he was from my hometown. We both worked in the city so we arranged to meet in what he commented was ‘a very swanky bar’. The entire night he spoke about money, how much he earned, how must his house cost, his investments, how much the fucking round of drinks he just bought us came to. Told me to check out the menu at how expensive the drinks are there (his idea to go..)

If he wasn’t talking about money he would ask me questions like:

’if you could be any chocolate bar, what would you be and why?’ …
or
’how much can you lift?’ 😂

As we’re from the same town we had to get the overground train back together and it was absolutely rammed. I pointed out an empty seat and he pretty much knocked me clean out trying to RACE me for it. He sat down looking all smug so I fucked off to the next carriage instead…

Any others?

OP posts:
sparklyDMs · 21/04/2022 05:58

*town not twin

JangolinaPitt · 21/04/2022 06:38

Oooh -thanks OP! Only partly through but saving to read after a horrible day at work! 😂

Wheelz46 · 21/04/2022 06:47

I went on a date with a guy and when he was taking me home, he turned to me and said 'What if I was a serial killer?' 😱

Obviously, I lived to tell the tale but remember bricking it all the way home and couldn't get out of his car fast enough!

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General relationships
Norgie · 21/04/2022 07:01

I once went on a date with a bloke who banged on about his mother. Mum this, mum that.
He went to the bar to get another drink for us both, I said I was nipping to the loo while he did so.
I shot out of the pub, ducked down under the window so he wouldn't see me and ran to the nearest taxi place.
In one short drink, I knew literally everything about his bloody mother, right down to an invite to meet her!

Vsirbdo · 21/04/2022 07:15

I went on a date with a man who was quite posh and had been to private school and he was “fascinated” by my state secondary school experience and “amazed” people from a state school were able to go to university and then took it one step further by saying my accent was quite common.
Also when I went to the toilet a woman approached him and seemed to be trying to chat him up and was quite hostile to me; rather than tell her to go away he continued chatting to her and I ended up walking out the bar with him running after me. Still not entirely sure what was going on there.

Original poster
GetupStandup · 21/04/2022 09:16

DatingAWidower22 · 20/04/2022 20:03

I went on a date with a guy at uni. We’d chatted a bit on the phone and he said he was picking me up and taking me to an event and to dress nice. He collected me and drove me to… a community centre. The event was a prize giving for his cricket club and I looked ridiculous in my nice dress! I couldn’t even leave as he’d driven and I had no idea where I was 😂

A community centre 😂 omg hahaha

OP posts:
Matchingcollarandcuffs · 21/04/2022 09:25

Age 15, hanging out with mates waiting for boyfriend to turn up. He eventually arrives, pissed, with a massive smile on his have and acting all odd. Turned out he'd just lost his virginity to our GCSE music teacher.

She had form for taking use our to gigs/pubs/getting us pissed but still

Worse thing was that my Munn was Head of Governors and I knew teacher would be f*cked if school found out so couldn't say a word

LightHeartedB · 21/04/2022 09:51

I have had this rule where I don’t shag on the first date but on this occasion that went out the window. Because I had this rule I wouldn’t lady-scape down below before my first dates to prevent any temptation and it had been a while so that night I was particularly wild down there resembling gandolfs face.

Anyway after a few drinks we went back to his and after a while kissing I got the urge and thought ‘fuck it!’ but hopped off to his bathroom before and noticed he had a razor, so with a bit of conditioner and water I managed to tidy up down there…. Or so I thought.

Sauntered back into the bedroom feeling all sexy with my fresh, tidy fanny and we did the deed. Woke up in the early hours of the morning and we did it again. Great night.

Hopped in the shower and took a look down, I had only shaved off half of my hair so one side was completely bald and the other was completely hairy. Safe to say we didn’t talk after that out of sheer embarrassment.

EinsteinaGogo · 21/04/2022 11:18

@sparklyDMs

On a blind first date with a guy, arranged to meet at a seaside town car park, we were going to walk round the twin and find a cafe. He pulled up in a camper van and said jump in I know a lovely beach nearby. I told him I'd rather not as I'd never met him before I'd rather stick to the plan. He was a bit put out but then asked for money so he could park his van. He never came back - he drove home then texted to say he'd left because he'd been offended and then asked for another date Confused
Thank god you were brave enough to say no.
Ihatethenewlook · 21/04/2022 11:26

Romeerka · 20/04/2022 21:27

Awww
What's wrong with chicken, fries and spaghetti?

Maybe he's not used to cooking and for him it was a big achievement

Show quote history

That’s something I’d serve my toddler if I can’t be arsed to cook properly. If this is a ‘big achievement’ I wonder what he normally eats for his tea.

Fabpinky · 21/04/2022 11:36

Met a guy online. Wasn’t my usual type but we got on well over texts. Met up, still wasn’t attracted but know these things can grow. Went to a cocktail bar. He ordered a drink called Cuban Pussy. Would not stop saying the word Pussy constantly. Asked me if I liked shopping because “that’s what women do” Got visibly annoyed when I said I didn’t want a second drink and that I was leaving. He had blocked me before I even got back to the train station.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/04/2022 11:43

@LightHeartedB 🤣🤣

GreenClock · 21/04/2022 11:48

Andrew, a colleague I really liked and fancied, invited me to a Premier League football match (I like most sport so was pleased with this suggestion). I assumed we’d be going for drinks/dinner afterwards and was really excited. Turned out it wasn’t a date. He regarded me as a mate who was keen on football. We got there and he told me with a big smile on his face all about a lovely woman he’d met and was seeing that evening after the match. He was very happy but I was so deflated. It was the longest 90 minutes ever, made worse by the fact that it was very cold.

On the way to the railway station afterwards we bumped into my flatmate and her boyfriend who’d been excited and optimistic about my “date” with Andrew, whom I’d talked about a fair bit since he’d started at my workplace. I introduced them and we all chatted for a while. Mortifyingly, my flatmate or her boyfriend (I can’t recall) said something about our “date”. Andrew looked awkward and confused. He then pointedly started talking about the new restaurant he was visiting with his new girlfriend that evening, at which point my flatmate and her boyfriend looked awkward and confused! We said our goodbyes and Andrew and I continued to the railway station in uncomfortable silence. He eventually remonstrated with me for telling my friends that the football was a date. He was quite annoyed and said he was embarrassed. I tried to say something conciliatory but his train arrived and he said sharply, “I need to get my train”. We avoided each other socially at work after that although we had professional conversations occasionally. It really knocked my confidence. In retrospect he had lots of female friends so I shouldn’t have presumed it was a date but I really thought there was a spark.

RosaMoline · 21/04/2022 13:17

@Norgie - his name wasn’t Norman was it
?! 😂

JeanMarie · 21/04/2022 13:47

I could write a book about disastrous dates!

One guy invited me to his for dinner. The dinner turned out to be a take-away pizza he collected on the way to his house. Mine had a long black hair 'baked' into the crust so I couldn't eat it. He rang the pizza place, as I thought , to complain and get me another but no...it was to arrange a replacement one he would pick up another night. He didn't share his either. I had brought wine and he necked the lot! While I was contemplating my break for freedom he went to open another bottle of wine. I heard him call my name and when I looked round the door....there he was....stark bollock naked with two wine glasses. He nodded 'suggestively' towards the stairs. It was then I noticed the coup we grace....he had also removed his teeth.....I hadn't even noticed that he had false teeth!
I gathered what was left of my wits (and my coat) and ran. I didn't have a mobile phone then and found the nearest phone box and rang a taxi. The operator must have heard the angst in my voice and sent a female taxi driver. Once I got in the cab I relaxed....told the driver what had happened and we laughed so much she had to stop in a layby to compose herself. He kinda did me a favour though....I dined out on that story for years.

😁😁😁

Butteryflakycrust83 · 21/04/2022 13:57

Met a guy for a drink in a pub, and after one drink we decided to walk to another pub and he tried to hold my hand, and i was like whoah...not yet!
It was an ok date, nothing special.
The next day he turned up outside my work as a surprise, which I did not like at ALL and when I told him this, he started crying.
I binned him off and every few months he would text me and once send a lovely unsolicited picture of his bum in what was clearly his mums dressing room mirror. ICK.

Another spent the whole time showing me pictures of himself meeting Bruce Springsteen, and being young and not very confident, let him talk his way into coming back to my flat, where he then decided to show me videos of Bruce Springsteen live. I eventually had sex with him purely to get him to stop, and later that night I woke up to him trying to stick his finger in my bum. I spent the rest of the night awake....

Ancientbride · 21/04/2022 14:14

It was our 3rd date I think. I went to his house for dinner and drinks and we’d agreed I would stay over as I lived in a different city. During the evening his ex phoned 8 times for long anguished discussions about their split (she had instigated it about a year previously). I was left to look after an increasingly distressed 5 year old (his) and put him to bed. When the date finally got off the phone it turned out he had drunk the entire bottle of wine I had brought and had no more alcohol and shops were shut. It was also too late to go home so I was stuck there with this arsehole who didn’t understand why all this was a problem. I really liked him as well and was so disappointed.

tatyr · 21/04/2022 14:23

Looking back (to the time before online dating and mobile phones) I can't be sure it wasn't me who was the odd one! I strongly suspect it was.
I know several of those dates went on to have happy relationships so I don't think I traumatised anyone too much

thankwe · 21/04/2022 14:52

Aged 19 and before online dating and mobiles. Set up on a blind date with man from the next town - older woman at work and her friend's son or something like that. Spoke on phone and arranged to meet at car park entrance. I was waiting, having spent ages to look gorgeous and watched as man got out of a heap of a car and began walking towards me.

He was short, bald, overweight and walked at ten to two - clearly my 19 year old self was extremely shallow. I couldn't take him to any of my usual pubs in case any of my friends saw me with him.

Went to a pub I'd never been in - working man's pub type thing. He made and smoked his own roll ups as we spoke. I couldn't wait to leave.
Walked back to my car and realised I'd locked my car keys in it. He drove me to the police station, police followed us back and broke into my car for me.
Next day I realised I'd also left my purse in the pub - yes I'd been paying for all the drinks too.

Nightmare - he phoned me at home for weeks - I had to invent a new boyfriend.

squiller · 21/04/2022 15:06

Had a few pretty bad ones over the years.

One was already wasted when I turned up, claimed he’d ‘forgotten his wallet’ so asked if I could buy the drinks all evening which I stupidly did (I was very young and I would not do this now!). He pretended to be deaf at one point when I was mid conversation, just acted like he couldn’t hear anything I was saying as a joke Hmm. Also kept singing random songs loudly and shouting names at people passing by like ‘Hi John and Susan!’ which he also found hilarious. Never saw him again.

Another guy absolutely loved himself, just a humongous ego. He was a few years older than me and incredibly patronising about my age. At one stage he asked me to name some countries in Asia he hadn’t visited (because he’d apparently visited nearly all of them) so I said Iraq and Afghanistan which did not impress him. Transpired he’d only visited China, Japan, India and Thailand… He’d wrapped up gifts to give me which just creeped me out and he wouldn’t let me open them till I got home Hmm. It was a Sylvia Plath book which I still own and a record which I do not because I’ve never had a record player so it was useless.

Last one turned up 30 mins late with a black eye from the night before. I wouldn’t wait this long for someone now but again, I was young and stupid. We did have a nice date until his friends walked into the bar and he invited them to sit with us. I made excuses and left after sitting there like a third wheel for a while. For some reason I dated him for a while until he dumped me because he had ‘demons’ and was in a ‘dark place’…

HollowTalk · 21/04/2022 15:15

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 21/04/2022 09:25

Age 15, hanging out with mates waiting for boyfriend to turn up. He eventually arrives, pissed, with a massive smile on his have and acting all odd. Turned out he'd just lost his virginity to our GCSE music teacher.

She had form for taking use our to gigs/pubs/getting us pissed but still

Worse thing was that my Munn was Head of Governors and I knew teacher would be f*cked if school found out so couldn't say a word

You win.

She was fucked either way, though.

How a female teacher thinks that a boy will keep that quiet is a complete mystery.

Original poster
GetupStandup · 21/04/2022 16:38

Thanks all I’ve been laughing all day reading these!! @JeanMarie especially - I was howling! It just got better and better

OP posts:
Baby3at40 · 21/04/2022 16:42

I went on a date with a guy about 10 years ago .... Cocktails... Second cocktail in...

Him: when did you last have sex?
Me: haha I'm not telling you that! Why when did you?! (Not thinking he'd answer)
Him: this morning.

He wasn't joking.

Downed the rest of my cocktail and walked out! 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
GetupStandup · 21/04/2022 16:43

@Butteryflakycrust83 ffs this one got me too 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 21/04/2022 16:50

These all sound relatively normal tbh. Except maybe the PM. But then strangely I am having trouble remembering dates I've been om as I have hardly ever been on any and a date instead of some accidental meeting would be strange for me in itself.

I vaguely remember driving around with someone who I had no idea how to talk to or what to say and given he never even tried to kiss me it was oddd he didn't call it ages ago 😯it was really awkward yet we went out 2 or 3 times and it just remained realky strange and awkward.