Worst dates - I need a laugh!

[GetupStandup]

I’ll start:

Went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app but he was from my hometown. We both worked in the city so we arranged to meet in what he commented was ‘a very swanky bar’. The entire night he spoke about money, how much he earned, how must his house cost, his investments, how much the fucking round of drinks he just bought us came to. Told me to check out the menu at how expensive the drinks are there (his idea to go..)

If he wasn’t talking about money he would ask me questions like:

’if you could be any chocolate bar, what would you be and why?’ …
or
’how much can you lift?’ 😂

As we’re from the same town we had to get the overground train back together and it was absolutely rammed. I pointed out an empty seat and he pretty much knocked me clean out trying to RACE me for it. He sat down looking all smug so I fucked off to the next carriage instead…

Any others?

Went out with guy for a date in a pub. We bought our drinks and went to sit down. As we were pulling out chairs etc, he took off his jacket. Displaying a T-shirt with a naked woman on it, a large red magnet and the words PUSSY MAGNET emblazoned across it

I went on a date with a guy that spent about 80% of the time talking about his future plans = having at leas 3 kids, WE woul be looking after HIS parents in old age and then OUR children will be looking after us in old age. Obviously, we'd need a big enough house.... 🙄
The other 20% was about his motor, a cabriolet, and how people keep slashing the fabric roof and of course how much it cost to fix. 😩

Met a guy from online dating. We’d agreed to meet at Starbucks…. Get there and he doesn’t like coffee so it’s a very awkward chat with me sipping my coffee that I paid for and him sitting with no drink.

another guy, i’d had a flirtation with for years. Finally went on a date.
2nd date, in the space of ten minutes he insulted my weight, made sexist remarks then turned racist.
I stood up and walked out… so glad I had my bus pass!

PhD student doing some important research into bacteriophages. We’d spoken for a few weeks before on WhatsApp. He had me searching my uni’s library catalogue for papers and books he needed but couldn’t access through his uni.

We met for a drink, moved onto a second pub, where he actually fell asleep. I swear I’m not a boring person. I was so fucked off as I’d gone out in fairly casual clothes as it was just planned to be a night in a few alternative/rock bars, and my friends were also out in town, dressed up and seemingly having the best night of their lives. I could have been out with them and instead I was sat with a boring sleeping man who had seemingly used me for my ability to search my uni’s back catalogue of obscure £600 virology books.

Omg I had the most awful date once 😂 I am laughing now as I think about it.

Met a guy in a club, exchanged numbers, agreed to go for a date the following week.
He had booked cinema tickets, not my favourite kind of first date because you’re mostly sitting in silence but whatever, I was looking forward to it. Had some snacks in the cinema, popcorn, sweets etc.

He was driving and because we couldn’t talk in the cinema and it was a late show everything around us in the multiplex was pretty much closing up when we got out, so we sat in the car and talked and got to know one another. We ended up snogging for some time and ended up in the back seats and things were getting steamy. He undid his trousers and let out the most ENORMOUS FART! Whatever came out of his arse reverberated around the car for what felt like forever and I am almost certain he sharted. I am not a prudish person at all but it was just so awkward. He found it hilarious and so I nervously started laughing too until the smell! Omg the smell! It absolutely stank of pure shit. I started gagging and was nearly sick in my mouth, it smelt like a small animal had crawled up his backside and died. He found this even more hilarious and took a deep breath in and said ‘oooh that’s a good one’. I had to open the door to let in some air because I was actually suffocating.

Massive mood killer of course and I just wanted to go home at this point but to his disappointment. He kept trying it on, wanting more kisses and getting all touchy feely until he reluctantly agreed to drive me back. It was so awkward that we didn’t speak the entire time home. He then stopped off at an off license, didn’t say a word to me or ask if I wanted anything but bought himself a drink and some snacks. I thanked him for the movie, got out the car and didn’t look back.

I then get a call two days later from an unknown number asking me why I didn’t want a second date?! Blocked. Dirtbag

I’m surprised he didn’t walk away first if you’d honestly turned up to a first date in crocs 😳😂

@Ihatethenewlook I agree! I'd be out of that door if someone turned up in crocs.

Exactly the same happened to me, and same age. He even borrowed 50 pence off me.

Politeness, and awkwardness at leaving in silence mid tournament, prevented me leaving immediately, but I never contacted him again and avoided. Though he didn't take that well as he reported my friend and I to the pub staff as being underage the next time we were in. He too was 17.

I said this years ago under a long lost user name. (so am repeating myself).

I was asked on a date. When i arrived at the restaurant exactly on time I discovered the man had not only arrived. he had ordered his food. It had arrived and he was half way through eating it. . At some point he looked me up and down and smirked and said 'I bet you are a wildcat in the sack'.

Stupid me for staying for the entire date. Only good thing was I went home and rang my best friend to moan about it. The best friend who then became my DH. :)

@stillvicarinatutu

A guy who said "we off on a date then or what you just gonna sit in and scratch yer fadge

laughed out loud at this 🤣😂🤣

Matched with a guy on Bumble, he looked cool as heck and the chat was fun. He looked like he could be in the Beastie Boys when they got a bit older. I was nervous to meet as I proper fancied him. We eventually met, we ate in Neon Jamon. The date had a horrible job interview type vibe with most of it spent with him grilling me about my finances and job, like he was trying to gauge if I earned enough money to go out with him. He was nothing like his fun online persona, he came across extremely mature and serious like Jeremy Paxmon. At one point he implied I'd catfished him.. my photos have no filter and have no make up on in a couple of them. This didn't seem to put him off though. After the meal we went to a dive bar. When Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley was playing he started dancing around like Calton, trying to get me to join in. He came up close to me and started humping my leg. I could feel his junk poking my thigh. I obviously wasn't in a party mood after my experience during the meal and I just stood there with my pint with a face like 😕

Men are disappointing aren't they.

A man who started shouting at me in Italian because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I don’t speak Italian.

Another man who within 5 minutes had asked if he was getting a shag out of it. He wanted to know asap before he wasted too much time trying to impress me. Bye!

I’m sure there’s more

My worst was someone I already knew was a bit socially awkward from tinder exchanges but wanted to give him a chance. We met up, he was tiny. I am 5'3 but was in stilettos and towered over him. He insisted on walking me through the park despite me being reluctant (safety- I'd never met him before) whilst holding my hand and telling me about his martial arts skills. He thought it was romantic & that he was making himself sound like a protector. I was terrified and interpreted it as a bit threatening. He refused to split the bill, asked me to be his gf and was upset as to why I didn't want a second date.

Next worse: he turned up with a present for me, had an unattractively enormous appetite- suggested we order a pasta main each & share a pizza, made random "jazz" noises and would ONLY drink rum. Somehow I took him on a second date. He spilt treacle sauce on his watch & licked it off. I got the ick & never spoke to him again.

Also 2 post date horrors: the one who texted me to say he'd had no undies on during the date and revealed his foot fetish & plans for my feet, and the guy I went on a LOVELY date with... who I later found out had been on bail at the time... he went down for rape 2 months later.

Honourable mentions to : went to the loo and didn't come back and the guy 4st heavier than his pics who turned a walk in the park into 50 questions all of them sexual.

PossumSholom
last but if your post, so lovely x

can i ask what a jazz noise is

the poster whose date made them chicken kiev and chips whats wrong with that-im not chef i prob would ave bunged something in similar

The one where he took me to burger king
not the restaurant,just the car park
we sat in the car,chatting for about 20 minutes until he turned round told me that we where going to shag
in the car park
i just got out and walked the 5 miles home-he hounded me for weeks after that

the one who had his own cannabis farm in his bedroom-it had fried his brain-I’ve never met anyone so paranoid in my life

the one who turned out to be my ex’s uncle
ex was the most abusive bloke I’ve ever met,and once I realised the link I got the ick and just couldnt
he fucking stalked me for months-banging on my front door at midnight and always turning up wherever I was
i ended up begging the police to warn him off (and they where worse than useless)

Chicken kiev doesn't go with spaghetti either. Unless that's just me

I'd find it funny or awful, depending on how much I liked him. I can't cook either but I don't think I'd make something like that.

Jazz noises = scatting?

There’s definitely some middle ground between being a professional chef and serving a first date processed chicken and frozen chips that had been ‘bunged in the oven’.

Went on a date with a guy I’d been chatting to online; met up at a pub relatively close to my home but far enough away to be driving distance. His OLD profile said he lived right on the edge of the area I was happy to date someone from but, while chatting found out he actually lived about 10 miles further away but used said town as no one knew where he lived. Then found out despite him saying he had been separated for 4+ years, it was actually under 2 years (important detail for later on!) and his son, who he’d said was school age, was a 3 year old in nursery.

Anyway, although a nice guy, he wasn’t my type and I knew there wouldn’t be a future in it so, after getting home that evening, thanked him again but was honest that I didn’t see it going anywhere. He went off on a rant about he couldn’t understand why all his dates for the last 2 1/2 years had ended up this way and that he just wanted to move on from his ex and get a new partner!! Turned out he’d started looking for a new relationship before he’d left the last one and hadn’t taken any time to deal with the issues that caused the end of the last relationship. Oh, and he needed free ‘childcare’ for his toddler son during his contact hours as he didn’t want to reduce the number of hours he worked a week (his ex had done all the childcare!!)

My sister met a guy in a pub from an online dating site. This was years ago when online dating was still quite new. She really wasn’t keen so excused herself and went to the loo. She then climbed out of the loo window.

It just wouldnt bother me not completely put off someone just becauseof what they cooked

@whynotwhatknot he kept playing the drums on/tapping out tunes on his knees and not quite beat boxing but adding "bu-dum-tshh" sort of sounds. If you've ever seen SATC it was a bit like when Carrie dates the jazz guy who keeps scatting or getting into rhythms. He was a professional musician but still- time & place!

He also saw that there is a bakery near where we met that had the same name as the slightly less common surname of a famous jazz musician. We had to go on a walk past it because he wanted to see if it was anything to do with the musician. It is not and it's also never looked that nice to me. It was so awkward. He also wore a maroon paisley bowtie. I don't know how/why I decided a second date was a good idea.

The guy who told me that Jews control the media…

Though one terrible date was my fault. I suggested a film I thought was an action movie. It turned out to be a film about child sex abuse with disgusting graphic scenes of child rape. I apologized profusely to him and we never met again.

The guest Art Artie Storm is your jazz guy.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uCymAH6r2Tc