Worst dates - I need a laugh!

[GetupStandup]

I’ll start:

Went on a date with a guy I met on a dating app but he was from my hometown. We both worked in the city so we arranged to meet in what he commented was ‘a very swanky bar’. The entire night he spoke about money, how much he earned, how must his house cost, his investments, how much the fucking round of drinks he just bought us came to. Told me to check out the menu at how expensive the drinks are there (his idea to go..)

If he wasn’t talking about money he would ask me questions like:

’if you could be any chocolate bar, what would you be and why?’ …
or
’how much can you lift?’ 😂

As we’re from the same town we had to get the overground train back together and it was absolutely rammed. I pointed out an empty seat and he pretty much knocked me clean out trying to RACE me for it. He sat down looking all smug so I fucked off to the next carriage instead…

Any others?

Similar when I was 18, except the guy sat me at a table with two girls “he knew”, one of whom was heavily pregnant, who spent the evening giving me daggers and not saying a word.

only found out later that the pregnant girl was his ex girlfriend and it was his baby.

This is a completely different version of Only Fans

@RosaMoline No, but in fairness it was that long ago that I can't even remember what it was. 😂

Oooooh. So many awful dates. Far too long online dating 

Foot fetish man - spent the whole date staring at my feet and making comments and asking random questions about them.

Man who clearly wasn't over his ex wife. Banged on about her all night. Even started showing me pics of her on his phone (wedding day. Holding their newborn. Last holiday together). Then got quite arsey when I mentioned he perhaps wasn't ready to move on!

Stalker man. First date. Not awful but no spark. Wouldn't take No for an answer. I ended up blocking him so he sent flowers to my work and then turned up there 😱

Man who shouted "BOOM! Winning!" After almost every sentence. "I'm a plumber. Boom! Winning". "I have two children. Boom! Winning!" He was so loud and even jumped out of his seat to shout it on occasion. The whole pub was sniggering. Utterly mortifying.

I'd quite enjoy this..

I have some bad ones:

Man who, within minutes of meeting me, took me into Selfridges & wanted me to buy him a £70 candle (turned out he had another date booked for the following night & he wanted to freshen the smell of his cannabis smelling house).

Man who frog-marched me to a cashpoint to loan him some money!!

Man who sat with me in the pub, in a bemused daze, staring off into the distance in some silent ecstacy of just being there - no conversation!

Divorced man whose only perspective in life was rugby.

My last date left a Google review of the venue salting me cos I said no to a second date.

Oh and then there's the one who told me he was into zooophilia. Don't Google .

A surgeon who talked about his ex wife all night and how she got him arrested

A guy who said "we off on a date then or what you just gonna sit in and scratch yer fadge "

I've now given up entirely.

Online dating, first date, a sunny summer Saturday at noon, we met at a bar on the seafront.

First thing he said when we met: he looked down at my Crocs, grimaced, and groaned: "You might have worn something more sexy on your feet!"

As he went to the bar to order drinks and his words repeated in my head I got so cross that I just walked out.

Only HOURS later did I think of the perfect riposte:

"Not sexy? Are you mad? Crocs are the peep-hole bra of the shoe world!"

@sparklyDMs

On a blind first date with a guy, arranged to meet at a seaside town car park, we were going to walk round the twin and find a cafe. He pulled up in a camper van and said jump in I know a lovely beach nearby. I told him I'd rather not as I'd never met him before I'd rather stick to the plan. He was a bit put out but then asked for money so he could park his van. He never came back - he drove home then texted to say he'd left because he'd been offended and then asked for another date

...

Woah, I think you had a lucky escape there - or he was genuinely clueless

@Wheelz46

I went on a date with a guy and when he was taking me home, he turned to me and said 'What if I was a serial killer?' 😱

Obviously, I lived to tell the tale but remember bricking it all the way home and couldn't get out of his car fast enough!

...

What an absolute twat 🙄

This has to win the internet! 😀

I went on a date with a man who wore socks and sandals. To see an orchestra at the Festival Hall.

@LightHeartedB - laughed out loud at your Gandalf's face 😆

From half a century ago:

When I was a penniless schoolgirl of 14 I was really flattered that a good-looking, charming bloke of about 18 who I got chatting to at a bus stop one Saturday morning invited me to go to a cafe with him, where he was meeting a mate. He seemed very grown up, had a job and money, nice clothes, and seemed very worldly and sophisticated.

He was incredibly generous, told me and his friend to order ANYTHING we wanted from the menu, it was all on him. We all had a main course and desert, then his friend looked at his watch and said he had to get back to work. He offered to pay his share but "my" boy waved his hand, saying "Nah, mate, this one's on me!"

We sat there for about another 2 hours or so, chatting and ordering various drinks: alcohol for him, Cokes and milkshakes for me, plus an ice cream sundae. He was incredibly generous, kept saying, "have whatever you like". I felt really spoiled but he kept saying he could afford it as he earned good money.

When he ran out of his cigarettes (we'd both been smoking them) he stood up and said he was just popping to the newsagent next door for a new packet. I sat there, slurping up yet another milkshake, and waited for him to return.

And waited.

And waited.

He'd done a runner.

I can still feel the shame and the fear I felt when the waiter handed me the bill. It was the equivalent of about £50 today, and all I had was 5p for my bus fare home!

It was excruciatingly embarrassing. The waiter was waving the bill at me, asking who was going to pay it. I panicked and ran out of the door and ran as fast as I could, down side streets and alleys until I felt he could not find me, then I loped home.

I had to avoid walking past that cafe for MONTHS.

Weirdly he was the third pupil in our year to shag a teacher. One is still married to him and they have grown up kids, one was together with teacher for several years and then xbf and her just' shagged a few times.

The 80s were weird, especially at a right on liberal comprehensive

@Ancientbride

It was our 3rd date I think. I went to his house for dinner and drinks and we’d agreed I would stay over as I lived in a different city. During the evening his ex phoned 8 times for long anguished discussions about their split (she had instigated it about a year previously). I was left to look after an increasingly distressed 5 year old (his) and put him to bed. When the date finally got off the phone it turned out he had drunk the entire bottle of wine I had brought and had no more alcohol and shops were shut. It was also too late to go home so I was stuck there with this arsehole who didn’t understand why all this was a problem. I really liked him as well and was so disappointed.

....

Sounds to me like the ex knew you were going round that evening and was dead set on sabotaging the date.

When I was 45 I met a man on online dating who was very wealthy, he even boasted that he'd just treated himself to a £50,000 Mercedes for his 50th birthday.

He began by inviting me to an extremely expensive restaurant in Eastbourne for lunch. Then, on the morning of our first date, he messaged to say that the weather was so gloriously sunny and hot, it was a shame to sit inside in the gloom, so he was going to take me out for a sumptuous picnic on the beach.

He collected me from the station in his flashy Merc convertible and drove towards Norman's Bay, an area I was not familiar with at all. He took a couple of big beach bags out of the boot and led the way to the beach. I trailed about ten feet behind him, struggling with my heels on the pebbles.

Finally he stopped and laid out a blanket across the stones, and I sat down. He then stripped off completely naked and told me to do the same, or I'd "look out of place". As I looked all around me, everyone was starkers. The bastard had only taken me to a nudist beach!

I wasn't going to strip but I wasn't going to run away as I did not want to look like a prude. Besides, I had skipped breakfast in anticipation of the delights of his wicker picnic basket.

He opened it, and inside were two triangular cheese sandwiches he'd picked up at a petrol station, and two cans of Coke.

I left, and blocked him.

Went on a date to the cinema with someone from work. I got a bucket of popcorn, it was extremely salty and couldn't eat it. During the movie he took my hand to hold, and it was then that I realised his hands were smaller than mine, it felt so weird and creeped me out a little. I shook it off to make it look like I was eating popcorn, spent most of the movie trying to eat my way through what was mainly salt. When I got home, I must have drank at least two litres of water, and never had a second date.

`@Brightrainbow thats cracked me up 😂

Was being set up by a mutual friend. Was meeting at a bar in the city. Walked in to find them picking their nose and eating it.

@BruceAndNosh How did he clear this with the medical staff? Did he lie about who you were?

The full post mortem story...
I'm a nurse, and had to ring the oncall doctor one evening to check a patient who had taken a turn for the worse.
She subsequently died during the following day and a post mortem was requested.
Doctor Smooth saw me on the ward and asked was I free after my shift.
"cos if you're interested, I could pick you up" (yes, doctor yes!) "and take you to watch Mrs Blogg's PM" (what the actual fuck!?)

So he did and drove me home afterwards, then said that he wanted to ask me out earlier but bottled out, so the invitation to attend the post mortem was a spur of the moment idea.

We went to the cinema for our "second" date.
Mrs Blogg's cause of death remains a mystery

First and only date with one guy, so boring, I escaped out the back door.

Only to realise my coat was behind the counter.

Remembering that he was facing the door and a huge picture window, I crawled past the window, past a bus stop, knocked on the door and gave £40 to the receptionist to pay my share of the bill (probably paid for most of his as well)

Back in the late 80/early 90s, so a long 3/4 length skirt that I kept crawling onto and had to keep hitching up to carry on crawling past the window.

When I was 16 I went out on a first date with a guy from worked who was 25. My father was horrified so insisted on coming to the pub with me and sat at another table. I took my best friend for backup (it was my first ever date and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing). I had literally nothing to say to this guy and at the end of the evening he asked if I wanted another date and I said “no I don’t think so” and he said “fine, can I ask your friend out then?”.