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Original poster

"Give us a smile love" - why is this so wrong?

127 replies

bonfireheart · 15/04/2022 20:17

DD is 14 - I see men glance at her but nothing usually to worry about. Today we were in the city centre and she was walking behind me with a very heavy bag after a long tiring day minding her own business and an older man said "give us a smile love". She seemed to find it funny and that it was "a nice thing to say, he wants me to be happy" and I really couldn't articulate to her why what he said was so wrong...now I'm doubting myself, am I being too precious?!

OP posts:
gingerhills · 15/04/2022 21:09

Some reasons why:

  1. He's training her to perform to order to a total stranger - ask her why she thinks she should?
  2. He's demanding she appears happy to please him. Suppose she feels sad or tired - should she not be allowed to show her natural true feelings without being called to account by - again - a total stranger
  3. She is not on this earth to please any man let alone a total stranger
  4. She is being watched and judged and that judgement is being voiced with absolute entitlement by... a total stranger. Ask her if she feel entitled to comment loudly on total strangers and tell them how they should appear to her? If not, why not? And if not, what does she think of people who do? What sense of entitlement do they have and why, which she doesn't have? Why doesn't she have it? How come it was planted in them not her?
  5. Does he really want her to be happy? In what way has he offered to promote or support her happiness, to engage with her in a meaningful way to make her happy? If not at all, what is he really doing?
  6. How does she feel about responding to him? He has instructed her to behave in one way, with a command. Does she feel comfortable issuing a command in return? If not, why not? Is there an instinctive fear he might turn nasty? If so, does she feel subtly threatened to stay nice for him, to oblige him with a smile? Why? How does she feel on reflection?
  7. Does she really think strange men have the right to dictate how she looks and feels as she walks around minding her own business?
cherrysthename · 15/04/2022 21:16

Very true, and sadly likely, Comedy. After all, what are the chances that men who make demands of girls/women with unabashed entitlement and objectify them, are well adjusted and possess self control? Luckily my daughter has a great death stare (and probably wouldn't actually tell someone to fuck off, bless her).

vipersnest1 · 15/04/2022 21:17

The 'love' would have pissed me off (I had this from a delivery driver today - no, I'm not your fucking love, don't be so familiar!- I didn't say it, just went with a fixed grimace as I wasn't in the mood for a debate), never mind the 'give us a smile'.
Men who speak to women / young women / girls like this need to learn not to.
It's insulting and demeaning.

Aposterhasnoname · 15/04/2022 21:22

@Iggyplop

Sounds like a northern term we use it all the time in Manchester, to us it's non offensive a bit like Keep your chin up Chuck 😊
My DH is from Manchester. A couple of years ago we were in Thailand, and a random tailor stood outside his shop told DH to “smile, man” he was OUTRAGED, it was actually hilarious how infuriated he was that a complete stranger told him to alter his expression. He still rants about it it now, and he was gobsmacked when I told him women get that all the time. It is most certainly not “non offensive” to Mancunians.
tiredanddangerous · 15/04/2022 21:26

Because he wouldn't have said it to a man. Sexist bullshit from men who think women are there to look nice for them.

HappyGoDucky · 15/04/2022 21:45

People say things without thought.

My stoic dad, was walking into work (to tube station onwards to West end London), a passer by called out , "smile mate, it ain't the end of the world, it might not even happen". We had lost my lovely DB 10 to cancel the night before.... I'm sure this bloke didn't mean any harm but misread a total strangers anguish.

HappyGoDucky · 15/04/2022 22:04

@HappyGoDucky

People say things without thought.

My stoic dad, was walking into work (to tube station onwards to West end London), a passer by called out , "smile mate, it ain't the end of the world, it might not even happen". We had lost my lovely DB 10 to cancel the night before.... I'm sure this bloke didn't mean any harm but misread a total strangers anguish.

Cancer 😔
Deathraystare · 16/04/2022 14:41

It gives me the rage. I got it once coming from a funeral!

I work on reception and also try not to get ragey when told I have a nice/lovely smile. Of course it is part of my job I guess but Aaargh!

Hummingbirdcake · 16/04/2022 14:46

He doesn’t want her to be happy. He wants to think a girl is smiling at him.

LaingsAcidTab · 16/04/2022 14:49

Because he's demanding she makes him feel better about himself. He has been raised to expect that women attend to his needs - and almost certainly from a developmental point of view his mother was emotionally distant.

chisanunian · 16/04/2022 14:57

@tiredanddangerous

Because he wouldn't have said it to a man. Sexist bullshit from men who think women are there to look nice for them.
This is it, in a nutshell.
FrancescaContini · 16/04/2022 15:00

No, it’s really annoying and invasive. It’s not our job as women to bring smiles and joy and laughter etc into men’s lives. We’re also perfectly entitled to look however we want without having to put up with a man commenting on it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 16/04/2022 15:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CharSiu · 16/04/2022 15:43

DH and I started to chat about just this subject earlier. I said in the street over your life how many people have ever commented on your appearance or said cheer up love. His answer was zero.

I explained how men feel the right to comment. It started off because we were chatting about perceptions of beauty and it moved along to this and then the entire women having to be seen as nice. As I have never felt the need to please men I have over my entire my life been seen as hugely awkward by them.

Just let your DD know the truth.

midlifecrash · 16/04/2022 15:45

@thenightsky

I always wish I had a gun and I could shoot at their feet and shout... 'dance, dance for me you fucker'.
Grin
Vsirbdo · 16/04/2022 15:47

Because the purpose of women is not to make men happy; it’s not about him wanting her to be happy, he just wants her to be happy looking window dressing to his life

ThisUserIsNamed · 16/04/2022 15:58

Because we're not here to perform for men. He doesn't want her to be happy, he wants her to smile for him.

dubyalass · 16/04/2022 16:08

@thenightsky

I always wish I had a gun and I could shoot at their feet and shout... 'dance, dance for me you fucker'.
Grin Grin Grin
llm24 · 16/04/2022 16:09

Genuine question

Why do people always think the worst of people
The girl didn’t think he meant any harm by it
Why make a deal out of something , yeah if he had whistled or used other condescending words then yeah as a mother I wouldn’t have been happy
I really worry for my 13 year old son growing up in this world sometimes 😞

EssexLioness · 16/04/2022 16:49

Really @llm24? You have never had random men bother you in this way and felt uncomfortable yourself? Earlier in this post several people have clearly pointed out why this is offensive and creepy.

Brownduck · 16/04/2022 16:53

A couple of weeks ago I was in a cafe queue and just as I was walking away the woman (in her sixties) told me to ‘cheer up’. I was lost in thought and walked away before I thought of anything to say but she really pissed me off.

Brownduck · 16/04/2022 16:54

Meant to say the woman next to me…

llm24 · 16/04/2022 16:56

@EssexLioness

I haven’t ever experienced this - no but know people who have experience it and it’s not nice
Like I said the man might have genuinely trying to be nice and the OP daughter wasn’t bothered by it

Maybe just want to see the good in people
Too much nastiness in the world just now x

Nelliephant1 · 16/04/2022 16:57

There's nothing wrong with it, just as there's nothing wrong with wolf whistling or a bit of harmless cat calling. It can and does raise a smile for both parties it's just part of the ridiculous "me too" movements agenda.

toothedfrog · 16/04/2022 17:05

Hate this. Earlier DP and I were walking back from the shops - I was carrying some stuff in my backpack and he was carrying some shopping bags because I have a lot of weakness and pain in my arms these days. Creepy (youngish) man barked at me "women are equal now, so share the load!" Envy (not envy) yuck yuck yuck. I wish every man who feels the need to direct their misogyny towards strangers a truly horrible day.