Is my toddler normal or do we have an issue?

[KohLanta]

Sorry this is long but feeling a bit rubbish and confused today and looking for a bit of solidarity or tips from anyone who's been there with raising a toddler who's behaviour is very very lively!

My son is 22 months old and I'll start by saying he's wonderful and I love him with all my heart. My first child, and I have zero experience with young children / early years so no I can't make any comparisons other than other little children I see at toddler groups and nursery. But I'm struggling with him. He is generally of a very happy disposition. He really is the epitome of living for the moment, I guess as all toddlers are! He says "hello how are you" and waves at everyone he meets, gives children at soft play a cuddle, and runs up to big children in the park to play with them. It's lovely to see how confident he is (he was a lockdown baby).

However, the flip side is that he is absolutely determined to do what he wants to do nomatter what, so any time I have to interrupt his play to change a nappy, put shoes on, get in pushchair etc he goes crazy with frustration and melts down bless him. At soft play and toddler groups he is always the one running around exploring everything and never stays still. In a room he will want to touch and grab literally everything, including stuff that's not for him. Literally he is the one everyone else is looking at. I don't mind this as I know he's curious but it is exhausting and obviously some things are dangerous, but he instantly gets massively frustrated as soon as there is any intervention to stop him doing something eg touching a plug or taking another mum's handbag.

He's a big boy and has recently started pushing me away, screaming and really fighting me at these moments.

Like I said, he's not a grumpy boy generally and he loves to play with me, so I normally try my best to turn everything into a game, tickle him, distract him with objects etc etc but this has totally stopped working. I try to let him explore and follow his flow as much as possible but when I am starting to dread moments when I need to get him out of the house or to change a nappy etc.

At his toddler football the other parents all know his name as he's always the one running off, trying to join in the class next to us, running off with the cones, running miles off across the field etc. I love his spirit but it's exhausting. The other children (same age) all stay on their spots and try scoring goals or following the game but he makes his own entertainment. Last week the teacher said "Jimmy you've got a real reputation here" which was said in jest but it made me feel anxious in case he is actually going to become a "naughty" child at school etc.

Part of this is my lack of experience of young children. (I teach 6th formers). My parents were also really old school and believed children should be seen and not heard. I hated their approach but I know I've internalised something of their disapproval. However I parent him really differently. When he has a tantrum I remain calm and validate his feelings, try to name them and gently stroke him. He usually snaps out of it quickly after a few seconds and I'll cuddle him and talk about his feelings and how to manage them. I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life. However, on the flip side, am I being strict enough? At what age does discipline kick in? I don't think he knows he's doing anything he shouldn't but am I wrong?

Has anyone here ever been the parent of the child who behaves in the most energetic / lively / boisterous way?

I know I shouldn't compare with other children but it's hard seeing him stand out always and occasionally having other parents stare. The more important concern is that this is an actual behaviour issue rather than normal toddler behaviour.

Can anyone enlighten me?

Hi OP. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say I am in the same boat with my 19 month old. I’ve just had to leave a group this morning after 45 minutes because of a tremendous meltdown because I wouldn’t let him rifle through another family’s bag! I don’t know what to do and if it’s just normal behaviour - the other kids don’t seem to do this!

Fingers crossed they both grow out of it soon. It’s so hard isn’t it

Sounds pretty normal.
Toddlers are discovering the world around them and learning they can have their independence.
Structured play like toddler football seems a bit much for a 22month old.
my son has just turned 2 and has only just started standing in the circle at song time at the play group he's been going to for 6 months.
Nursery is very free flow so if he wants to do something else he can.

When it comes to nappy changes and getting dressed it can be a right battle, I try to present it as his choice "hold 2 outfits up and he can decide which one to wear" help put nappy in the bin after etc.
For toddler trantrums I find distraction is the best thing, he's too young to voice his actual feelings as he doesn't know what they are. - scream starts- ooh do you see the bird? grumble, let's do counting. What colour is that etc?

if you're worried, contact your health visitor team.

I’m on my third toddler (she’s 20 months) and yup, that’s all normal.

All three of mine have been just how you describe.

I ha e huge age gaps ( eldest is 20!), that’s how I have survived!

Oh and I wouldn’t have attempted anything like toddler football with mine at that age. They would have run rampant.

He's not even two yet. Does he have many words yet? I found the frustration/tantrums really dropped off when mine started to speak properly and could express their feelings.

If toddler football is stressing you out, drop it for a bit and do something more free form.

welcome to the club! My DS was exactly as you describe yours.

♡ I have been known to turn up at the park at 8am so DS can chaise the ducks.
♡ I was the lady in the supermarket with the screaming toddler in the trolley.

♡ DS got once kicked ou of "kids gym" because of his non conforming behaviour 😳

He is a happy, healthy 12 year old- still likes things his way but it's easier to manage!

My advice is, let him know your plans, tell him in advance "mummy is just finishing the kitchen and then we are going to XYZ"
He will soon learn and be hopefully more cooperative!
I always let mine burn off steam before asking him to behave during shopping or even at toddler group.

Also, look for spaces where he can safely explore without having to constantly tell him off... again, mine loved the park (no playground in sight!) and I would just follow him around.

Mine was challenging in different ways at that age but definitely couldn't have participated in a structured activity like toddler football at that age. We tried her with baby ballet at 2.5 and it was a no go so didn't pursue it. She's just asked to go back now she's nearly 4 and she's partially joined in with the trial session, she also goes to swimming lessons too now which she mostly engages well in. So give him time! Pack those classes in for now.

Mmm, some toddlers are far more active and unwilling to do organised activities and at 22 months I'd simply remove him from groups that require that kind of concentration and focus.

It does also sound like he's very active and possibly sensory seeking. This may be part of something bigger or a processing disorder, but I wouldn't be terribly concerned at this point! A trampoline at home can be a useful tool as it offers plenty of sensory stimulation and is also physically tiring. When changing nappies, is there an option for him to hold or play with something that would distract him? or consider pull ups to avoid him lying down.

It may be that you also pick your activities - if indoor activities are always him grabbing people's stuff etc, then perhaps stick with more outdoor activities where he can run around in a playground and there's less likely to be other people's things lying around. Swimming pools can be great too.

I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life.

Possibly a controversial opinion but if you don’t raise your voice when he’s potentially in danger or doing something very wrong, how does he know where his boundaries are?

Keeping calm when a toddler kicks off at random stuff is absolutely the right thing to do most of the time but sometimes, eg when he’s running across the field and disrupting other classes, then an age appropriate bollocking is required IMO.

Sounds normal to me. Small children are dicks.
My almost 4 year old has started to tantrum again recently which is a massive pain as he’s so blooming tall. Had to escort him out the supermarket yesterday as he kicked off because he wanted cheese. You know, the exact cheese we already have in the fridge at home…

It does sound normal, but at almost two this is the point where you are going to have to start putting former boundaries in place and changing your tone of voice for dangerous or seriously unwanted behaviours distraction tickles and games is fine for some things but it doesn’t really teach them there’s some things they can’t do, and probably reinforces that if they do naughty things mum will be fun and play a game or tickle me.

Yep, sounds very normal to me. My ds was a bit like this, my nephew even more so.

DS is now sat on the sofa on his Xbox. We’ve just had the chat about how much of his Biology GCSE revision he’s going to get done today.

DNephew is home from Uni this week and has apparently learnt some new recipes and we have to sample them at the weekend.

Both are great lads. Still very active. Very physical. Love their sports. Both always done very well at school. Well behaved etc. Just needed a lot of exercise.

I will warn you @KohLanta if your ds is anything like mine, you have got years of sport’s commitments ahead. Football, rugby, basketball, cricket. Whatever the weather. And lots of climbing, Go Ape type stuff. Definitely worth having a look in your local area for Beaver Scout groups and when you can put his name down.

Totally normal. Don't worry about school, that's ages away and my ds was an angel at school.

Normal ime. Mine was the same at that age. In music group, they'd want to play with the door and go in and out, or sit at the window watching the cars leaving the car park. They'd also have moments of being really into it, standing up at the front, paying close attention to the teacher and generally being star pupil while all the other little ones sat shyly in their parents' laps.

There could be something going on with my DC and we're watching this space, but they're too young to draw any conclusions (now 4) and have calmed down a lot from age 2, when they were a complete livewire.

I'd ditch the structured activities for now or go to ones where the teacher/other parents are very tolerant and relaxed. We kept going with the music class since it was such a lovely environment, no one minded my DC running the odd circle around the room, and actually DC did get better at following instructions and listening to the teacher during our time there.

Forgot to add, that yes, being firm will be very important. Especially as he gets a bit older. And if he tantrums, so be it.

I could have written this 6 months ago. Maybe more with a sway towards tantrums, it felt constant. But he's coming up to four now and I feel like we are coming out the other side, they are less frequent, and mostly it's just for effect. I spoke to a lot of people about it, who agreed he was emotional and perhaps more prone to a meltdown, but that it wasn't unusual or cause for concern.

We started football when he was 2.5 years as I thought the structure might help him, k was so wrong and my husband refused to take him again it was that bad. We paused it, until he was 3 and a bit, he was ready and was able to partake in the class and follow (some!) instructions.

Exhausting isn't it.

He's probably pretty bright and when he can talk you can (attempt) to reason with him more easily.

Slightly different perspective but DS1 was exactly like this, super bright and completely exhausting. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD when he was 7/8.

The good news is that the ADHD meds have transformed his life, and he is absolutely flying at school (he’s 9). He’ll always have executive dysfunction and be ‘quirky’ but he’s popular and loved by everyone because he’s such a force of nature.

We go to toddler football and all the kids are basically like that 😂

OP it's really hard to judge because it sounds normal but no one reading this is really able to see the extent of the behaviour. Is he at nursery? Do they have concerns or do they just see him as a boisterous kid?

Honestly I'm more shocked there is 22 month olds that will do exactly what they are told at toddler football than one who is over excited and does their own thing.

Toddlers are like duracell bunnies in my experience... they just keep going....

(If you are interested in Scouting, its Squirrels before Beavers now at 4yo, but that isn't universal yet (due to leader numbers usually....))

I do not think his behaviour is naughty. He is so tiny, he isn't even 2 yo and he does not understand the concept on structured play or if he should be sitting still or standing in his spot etc.
My toddler DS (26m) js very similar to yours. I think it's important to realise what activities are suited to your toddler, where he thrives most. We don't do any toddler groups because he is so active / interested that it would be an absolute battle that I think is a.) not worth me going around telling him "no" constantly for 45 mins straight and b.) I just don't have the energy for.
What we do do is go to the park & playgrounds daily, lots of climbing, exploring sensory trails in forests, swimming, bike rides and generally activities where he is free to run around, explore and let off steam. At home we sing and dance a lot but generally try to get out of the house as much as possible as he runs riot. Our house therefore is generally a mess and I have to batch cook at weekends, he certainly watches more TV then he should otherwise I'd never get anything done!
So just choose your battles I would say and definitely don't expect too much of him at this age.

No advice OP as mine is also 22 months and exactly the same. I'm a single mum and totally burned out 😁.

Today we went to a toddler group and they have a story time bit. About 15 toddlers there. Mine was the only one that just won't sit and listen to the story, was running around grabbing fire extinguishers, books, trying to get everything he shouldn't have. In fairness, he participates really well with the active parts of the class and also when we do his gym type class.

A lot of the other toddlers would sit on their parent's lap and calmly enjoy the class. Not mine! I felt despairing by the end. The difference was stark. Every other parent was sat down and I was chasing my kid everywhere.

I think they're totally normal OP. Mine is bright, has excellent language for his age and great understanding. Just not a placid kid!

Hopefully they'll chill out a bit as they get older

Todslers are absolute arseholes. OK so you can get a few nice ones, occasionally. I remember when DC4 was that age and losing it over not being able to fit "enough" leaves in his pockets, DC1-3 just wanted to home and let him use their pockets as well and when I queried this they said "we just want him to shut up"

This was my son. Unstructured baby and toddler groups were fine, as he could run around doing his thing. Friendly with adults to the point of smothering them almost. He was completely self directed in his play at that age and wouldn't respond to instructions. I tried a few more structured things with him but they didn't suit him at all, and I felt like I was trying to shove a square peg in a round hole.

Then he was formally diagnosed as autistic at 4, which made total sense. I'm glad I didn't force him to do things that were completely unsuitable for him, and just let him be who he wanted to be.

My son is my pride and joy, so don't be afraid of the possibility that your child could be autistic too. Google the M-chat quiz. Don't overthink your answers too much, go with your initial gut feeling. Take it from there.

Most of it sounds normal but toddler football is maybe not the right activity for him as at that age they need more free flow play generally. I wonder if sensory activities like crafts, park play, swimming would suit him better, I have 3 kids and toddlers are mini dictators lol but start putting boundaries in place and if he is running away put him on reigns for his safety and your peace of mind.