Is my toddler normal or do we have an issue?

[KohLanta]

Sorry this is long but feeling a bit rubbish and confused today and looking for a bit of solidarity or tips from anyone who's been there with raising a toddler who's behaviour is very very lively!

My son is 22 months old and I'll start by saying he's wonderful and I love him with all my heart. My first child, and I have zero experience with young children / early years so no I can't make any comparisons other than other little children I see at toddler groups and nursery. But I'm struggling with him. He is generally of a very happy disposition. He really is the epitome of living for the moment, I guess as all toddlers are! He says "hello how are you" and waves at everyone he meets, gives children at soft play a cuddle, and runs up to big children in the park to play with them. It's lovely to see how confident he is (he was a lockdown baby).

However, the flip side is that he is absolutely determined to do what he wants to do nomatter what, so any time I have to interrupt his play to change a nappy, put shoes on, get in pushchair etc he goes crazy with frustration and melts down bless him. At soft play and toddler groups he is always the one running around exploring everything and never stays still. In a room he will want to touch and grab literally everything, including stuff that's not for him. Literally he is the one everyone else is looking at. I don't mind this as I know he's curious but it is exhausting and obviously some things are dangerous, but he instantly gets massively frustrated as soon as there is any intervention to stop him doing something eg touching a plug or taking another mum's handbag.

He's a big boy and has recently started pushing me away, screaming and really fighting me at these moments.

Like I said, he's not a grumpy boy generally and he loves to play with me, so I normally try my best to turn everything into a game, tickle him, distract him with objects etc etc but this has totally stopped working. I try to let him explore and follow his flow as much as possible but when I am starting to dread moments when I need to get him out of the house or to change a nappy etc.

At his toddler football the other parents all know his name as he's always the one running off, trying to join in the class next to us, running off with the cones, running miles off across the field etc. I love his spirit but it's exhausting. The other children (same age) all stay on their spots and try scoring goals or following the game but he makes his own entertainment. Last week the teacher said "Jimmy you've got a real reputation here" which was said in jest but it made me feel anxious in case he is actually going to become a "naughty" child at school etc.

Part of this is my lack of experience of young children. (I teach 6th formers). My parents were also really old school and believed children should be seen and not heard. I hated their approach but I know I've internalised something of their disapproval. However I parent him really differently. When he has a tantrum I remain calm and validate his feelings, try to name them and gently stroke him. He usually snaps out of it quickly after a few seconds and I'll cuddle him and talk about his feelings and how to manage them. I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life. However, on the flip side, am I being strict enough? At what age does discipline kick in? I don't think he knows he's doing anything he shouldn't but am I wrong?

Has anyone here ever been the parent of the child who behaves in the most energetic / lively / boisterous way?

I know I shouldn't compare with other children but it's hard seeing him stand out always and occasionally having other parents stare. The more important concern is that this is an actual behaviour issue rather than normal toddler behaviour.

Can anyone enlighten me?

Sounds like you have an absolutely normal toddler.
Toddler football sounds a bit of waste of time —- or more for the parents benefit—- as a 22 month is totally ego- centric, will do their own thing, cannot take group instructions, doesn’t understand rules, doesn’t care about winning or losing… the list goes on.
Plenty of soft play, climbing, music as in bashing a tambourine and drum.
Don’t worry about him, he sounds great b

My toddlers were extremely hard work too.

My first was a nightmare toddler, I had hoped my 2nd would be easier as he was such a placid baby, but no.

I find it absolutely the worst age - maximum mobility, minimum sense. You can't really discipline them or reason with them (I mean you can try, because eventually it will sink in, but it doesn't work).

When they were having a strop and past the point of no return, I used to just pick them up and leave. Felt like I spent hours standing outside places waiting for them to calm down, sometimes they never did so we had to cut our losses and go home.

I currently have a teenager who is nowhere near as bad as when she was 2!

Mine was like this and he turned into a very intelligent (6yo) child who is interested in learning everything.

I have a 21 month old. From your posts, my gut feel is that you need to be firmer and sharper. At this age they won't be likely to understand why they can't do x or y, and I find it far more effective to swoop in and say 'No DD! You must do that!' And take her away from whatever it is. He's repeatedly going and taking things he shouldn't despite your current approach, which is why I think firmer and sharper is the way to go. It's easy to be a bit wishy washy with your instruction or discipline but toddlers will zone out and take nothing from that.

My DS2 was a nightmare at this age! So determined and active. He's now a well behaved 12yo. Hang in there OP!

@KohLanta

Thanks.

I've just taken the m-chart questionnaire and he came out low level 1.

He is very good at responding to normal instructions at home and definitely makes eye contact etc. I'd say his understanding is excellent. His language is coming slowly but it's clearly frustrating for him.

The football thing is probably a red herring. He only goes once a week for 30 mins so it was really just to illustrate the type of behaviour I'm witnessing really. My main struggle at the moment is getting him into his buggy, through the front door, up for a nappy change etc etc.

Yes I take him to the park literally daily at the moment, and I choose a fenced off area which has grass and no playground so he can just run!

Everyone on here says "totally normal" which is reassuring... however he is still the one who stands out like a sore thumb everywhere I go, hence me not feeling it is normal. Iyswim.

The thing is OP, are you sure he stands out to everyone else? I always used to feel like this, that DD was the one getting into mischief and pinning the other children down to cuddle them and causing mayhem, until I realised that a lot of it was just me. Yes she absolutely does do those things, but I wasn't really noticing when other children did them as I am quite focused on her.

As an example, at the weekend we went to feed the ducks. DD sat nicely on the bench for five mins, then tried to climb into the pond .... a child a bit further on spent the whole time in his buggy watching the ducks and not once tried to escape, entice a pigeon into his clutches or offer a goose a sealed bag of Pom bears ..... but I don't know if that child was tired, or three months older than DD (it makes a difference!) or had spent all morning at home running up and down the house emptying every cupboard and drawer and then took two hours to get into the pram and maybe even cried all the way down to the park. I don't know if that child is usually always well behaved and placid because it's just a snap shot and as hard as it is, you just can't judge against other children.

I have a friend with a DD who is three months older. She posts the loveliest pics of her on SM baking together, a little smudge on her nose and otherwise immaculate clothes. When DD and I bake there is batter and mess all over the kitchen and flour all over the floor / but as I'm only seeing a snapshot I have no idea if that's coming or has happened or actually her daughter really is that meticulous and neat and tidy.

I think when people say "normal" here, they mean "within a normal range of toddler behaviour, but at the livelier end of the range" not "typical" or "average".

Hi OP. It sounds like you have a perfectly normal curious toddler who loves to explore and isn't yet old enough to understand social norms and contexts e.g. you don't help yourself to other people's picnics ... I found Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled helped me to understand toddler behaviour and how best to respond. It's tough but it sounds like you are managing meltdowns perfectly well!

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I also think you need to be firmer op. Discussing how to manage feelings with a 22 month old is going to habe limited success, he’s not really going to understand a lot of that. You need to be firmer and sharper. When he’s naughty do you sanction him..Ie if you do that again we leave the park and then follow through?

I think some of it is because he can.

This is textbook toddler behaviour. He sounds like an absolutely normal, curious, adventurous, tantrum throwing little boy 😀😀

“ I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life. However, on the flip side, am I being strict enough? At what age does discipline kick in? I don't think he knows he's doing anything he shouldn't but am I wrong?”

This jumped out at me. It sounds like he doesn’t have boundaries.

Disclipine does ‘kick in’ - it has to be learnt. What happens when he runs off to the next group, or grabs something? How do you react? Toddlers need to learn the word ‘no’, and if they disobey, need to face consequences. Ie. No tv, naughty step, . Also, you need You need reward them for being good. Ie. If they don’t run off, then they get an ice team.

Toddler Taming

I found this book had some good strategies.

I had one of them @KohLanta. Tall for his age crazy 2 year old. He is now a 5ft 9.5 year old - who is an absolute delight at school but can still be a handful at home. Boundaries are key

Normal doesnt meant though everyone - it just means it sounds normal. I remember also being one of those who judged when I floated through life with his older sister. That judgment came back to bite me!

He grabbed both sides of my head and pulled my hair as hard as he could and tried to bite my head, he was so frustrated. I felt so sorry for him and just kept calm saying "I know", but it's horrible, and not pleasant for either of us.

Does he go to nursery? I found them really good on giving advice and helping me sift through appropriate responses from me. I think you’ve gone too far the other way to your parents. I totally empathise with you that you don’t want to raise your voice, but you can set boundaries on acceptable behaviour. Pulling your hair because he’s frustrated isn’t acceptable. Mine was biting loads, and a phase of slapping my face - the advice was say “no” firmly, “that’s not nice” and put down. Consistently do this (yes I know they’ll be tantrumming whilst you put down and disengage). I know my toddler was doing it because they were frustrated and didn’t know how to express themselves, but we definitely need to let them know ok ways to be frustrated and not ok ways (pulling your hair). Before starting nursery, I was just letting my toddler bite me “because they don’t know better, they don’t mean it”. It quickly stopped.

Speaking to someone qualified in childcare will be more helpful than MN I think.

There's a line between validating their feelings, and drawing clear boundaries. At the moment it appears (from what you have described) that you are possibly too near the validation of feelings than the clear boundaries.

However he is only 22 months and as his understanding grows he will cope better with scenarios like the park.

I used to pick them u and leave after 2-3 attempts of doing something they had been clearly told not to.

My DD wasn't like this but she was shy, not very inquisitive, and verrrrry chill. but I think your DS is normal for a kid this age and like a pp said they are basically "arseholes" at that age. I feel like as long as he's not hurting anyone, then it's okay. I'm sure he will grow out of it.

‘ He grabbed both sides of my head and pulled my hair as hard as he could and tried to bite my head, he was so frustrated. I felt so sorry for him and just kept calm saying "I know", but it's horrible, and not pleasant for either of us.’

Blimey…
They’re learning, and the world is big. But feeling sorry for your toddler when they’re doing this isn’t really teaching them the right perspective.

Gentle parenting is great op, but it’s not teaching boundary’s in this scenario. Can you imagine if he did that to another child?

My response would have been ‘I know you’re frustrated because you can’t do X but you’re hurting mummy so I’m going to give you a minute because it’s not nice to hurt others’ and walk away.

Same response would happen if they kept touching other peoples things or things that were dangerous - I know you want to touch x but it’s not yours/ dangerous. If you keep going to touch it we’re going to have to leave.

You can validate them whilst giving them boundary’s op.

He is 1 and so still a baby really. I find my toddlers didn’t tend to really listen properly until 3. I think you’re expecting a bit too much. I’d also say organised activities can be a bit too much for some children without lots of free play. Eg the toddler gymnastics class my daughters attended was basically free play until 21/2 where gradually more structure was added until they could join the independent classes at 31/2-4.

My now 5 year old is generally beautifully behaved, really engaged in activities etc. she was heinous in baby ballet at just turned 2. I wanted the ground to swallow me up most weeks before we quit. She wanted to do her own thing, sometimes wouldn’t join in etc. we waited a year and she started proper ballet and loved it and could listen and engage better.

I'd also agree you need to think about how you are setting boundaries. My DC3 is a year older, but is similar, he struggles with impulse control.

When he tries to snatch someone else's toys or bites, I think you need more immediate consequences. He's not yet 2, he won't properly understand that he shouldn't snatch because it will upset other people - you need to give him stronger motivation to help him learn to control those impulses.

I'd have given one warning if he tried to snatch stuff off someone else, if he did it again I'd have packed to go home. Depending on how that news made him react, I might then have relented and given a 3rd choice. With the hitting / biting, with DC3 having older siblings, there has to be consequences as what he does to me he does to them / other children at childcare. We don't do a lot of time out, I prefer natural consequences of possible - but we do for deliberately hurting someone.

It's fine to be firm when physical pain is being inflicted. You can hold hands/wrists and say 'I will not let you hit me' or 'I cannot let you hit that little boy'/'I will not let you bite other children'. You don't have to shout, but you also don't have to accept being hit or bitten.

Authoritative parenting, which is what 'gentle' parenting really should be (not to be confused with 'passive' parenting, which it shouldn't be) is absolutely about setting boundaries. You don't have to shout or raise your voice to do so, but there are times when it's good to validate feelings and empathise and times where you just need to stop a negative behaviour immediately because it will end in someone getting hurt.

It's not even about discipline, but more just managing your child safely - it's not safe for them or you to be in a situation where they are physically lashing out, so if you need to physically stop them doing that by holding their hands so they can't hit, or moving away from them so they can't bite or kick, then that's what you have to do. The 'repair' portion, where you talk about it and have a cuddle, can come after.

You know lots of us who have had particularly wilful toddlers have use backpack with reins if we are really struggling to keep up with them in public places and I suggest you could get something similar.
It would stop half of this trying to play/snatch other peoples things.
Even under 2 if mine didn’t walk nicely they were put straight in the pushchair and it was explained firmly why.
I would never allow any child to smack me and pull my hair and your “I know I know” is frankly ridiculous. You get down on their level and you tell them firmly no we don’t do that or similar and you put them down or hold their arms so they can’t do it. He is only going to learn he can do it and he’s only going to get bigger and it will hurt you more and more.

My DS (same age) likes sitting on my lap to sing or listen to a story
He’s happy sitting in the buggy or his car seat
He doesn’t run riot at toddler groups
He actively asks me to change his nappy or put his shoes on
Tantrums are really quite rare

And do you know what 95% of it is down to?

Luck. Sheer bloody luck.

Just as it was sheer bad luck he was a refluxy, screaming, none sleeping mess of a newborn, I’m now having a spell of good luck that he is (currently) pretty easy to parent as a young toddler. I’m absolutely certain there will be tricky phases in the future. Nobody gets away scot free in 18 years.

The final 5% (which may not even be generalisable, but works for us) is having a water tight routine so everything, from meal times to naps to leaving the house is predictable. Im sure not all toddlers do, but DS absolutely thrives on predictability. Days when things are all change, his behaviour goes to pot.

I also try and be really calm and understanding the majority of the time, allowing DS to work things out for himself, make mistakes and rely on me for emotional regulation. However, I am always ready with a firm ‘NO, we do not hit/attempt to run at cars’ (the main two things he is occasionally prone to) said at eye level and while holding him still. As it’s reserved for big things, it tends to stop him in his tracks. If it doesn’t and he carries on/kicks off, he will be removed from the situation - at the end of the day the safety of him and others must be paramount.

He sounds a character! My DS could be like that and I think alot of it is frustration at the lack of agency.

I remember how exhausting it could be because things, not always the same things would set him off.

I do literally all those things @AliceW89 and he has a very structured routine, always has.

Thankfully he's a great sleeper, so perhaps I've been lucky there.