Is my toddler normal or do we have an issue?

[KohLanta]

Sorry this is long but feeling a bit rubbish and confused today and looking for a bit of solidarity or tips from anyone who's been there with raising a toddler who's behaviour is very very lively!

My son is 22 months old and I'll start by saying he's wonderful and I love him with all my heart. My first child, and I have zero experience with young children / early years so no I can't make any comparisons other than other little children I see at toddler groups and nursery. But I'm struggling with him. He is generally of a very happy disposition. He really is the epitome of living for the moment, I guess as all toddlers are! He says "hello how are you" and waves at everyone he meets, gives children at soft play a cuddle, and runs up to big children in the park to play with them. It's lovely to see how confident he is (he was a lockdown baby).

However, the flip side is that he is absolutely determined to do what he wants to do nomatter what, so any time I have to interrupt his play to change a nappy, put shoes on, get in pushchair etc he goes crazy with frustration and melts down bless him. At soft play and toddler groups he is always the one running around exploring everything and never stays still. In a room he will want to touch and grab literally everything, including stuff that's not for him. Literally he is the one everyone else is looking at. I don't mind this as I know he's curious but it is exhausting and obviously some things are dangerous, but he instantly gets massively frustrated as soon as there is any intervention to stop him doing something eg touching a plug or taking another mum's handbag.

He's a big boy and has recently started pushing me away, screaming and really fighting me at these moments.

Like I said, he's not a grumpy boy generally and he loves to play with me, so I normally try my best to turn everything into a game, tickle him, distract him with objects etc etc but this has totally stopped working. I try to let him explore and follow his flow as much as possible but when I am starting to dread moments when I need to get him out of the house or to change a nappy etc.

At his toddler football the other parents all know his name as he's always the one running off, trying to join in the class next to us, running off with the cones, running miles off across the field etc. I love his spirit but it's exhausting. The other children (same age) all stay on their spots and try scoring goals or following the game but he makes his own entertainment. Last week the teacher said "Jimmy you've got a real reputation here" which was said in jest but it made me feel anxious in case he is actually going to become a "naughty" child at school etc.

Part of this is my lack of experience of young children. (I teach 6th formers). My parents were also really old school and believed children should be seen and not heard. I hated their approach but I know I've internalised something of their disapproval. However I parent him really differently. When he has a tantrum I remain calm and validate his feelings, try to name them and gently stroke him. He usually snaps out of it quickly after a few seconds and I'll cuddle him and talk about his feelings and how to manage them. I've never raised my voice at him at all in his life. However, on the flip side, am I being strict enough? At what age does discipline kick in? I don't think he knows he's doing anything he shouldn't but am I wrong?

Has anyone here ever been the parent of the child who behaves in the most energetic / lively / boisterous way?

I know I shouldn't compare with other children but it's hard seeing him stand out always and occasionally having other parents stare. The more important concern is that this is an actual behaviour issue rather than normal toddler behaviour.

Can anyone enlighten me?

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Honestly I'm more shocked there is 22 month olds that will do exactly what they are told at toddler football than one who is over excited and does their own thing.

Toddlers are like duracell bunnies in my experience... they just keep going....

(If you are interested in Scouting, its Squirrels before Beavers now at 4yo, but that isn't universal yet (due to leader numbers usually....))

I was thinking exactly the same thing. I went to the park last week with 21 month DD and 6 of her NCT pals and there is no way any of them would follow instruction at toddler football, it was like herding cats in the park, let alone with balls and cones involved.

This is another autism screener used by GPs and HVs.

Sounds normal to me.

The other children (same age) all stay on their spots and try scoring goals or following the game

That is the only bit of your post that makes me go

I feel you OP. Mine lives for lobbing things off the balcony. When he melts down it cna go on four an hour and he truly looks possessed. Anything can trigger it. At the mo trying to get a nappy on or get dressed to go out makes him furious and consequently we end up loafing about at home most of the day. I’ve just accepted that it’s a phase.

It might be that the transitions are hard for your little one- have you tried letting him know that time is running out before something needs to happen. So I might sua- this is the last thomas the tank and then we are finishing tv and going for a walk by the river. Toddlers have very little control over their lives and powerlessness is annoying, whatever our age!

Hang in there - mine is 27m and I find it relentless.

Thanks.

I've just taken the m-chart questionnaire and he came out low level 1.

He is very good at responding to normal instructions at home and definitely makes eye contact etc. I'd say his understanding is excellent. His language is coming slowly but it's clearly frustrating for him.

The football thing is probably a red herring. He only goes once a week for 30 mins so it was really just to illustrate the type of behaviour I'm witnessing really. My main struggle at the moment is getting him into his buggy, through the front door, up for a nappy change etc etc.

Yes I take him to the park literally daily at the moment, and I choose a fenced off area which has grass and no playground so he can just run!

Everyone on here says "totally normal" which is reassuring... however he is still the one who stands out like a sore thumb everywhere I go, hence me not feeling it is normal. Iyswim.

@KohLanta

Thanks.

I've just taken the m-chart questionnaire and he came out low level 1.

He is very good at responding to normal instructions at home and definitely makes eye contact etc. I'd say his understanding is excellent. His language is coming slowly but it's clearly frustrating for him.

The football thing is probably a red herring. He only goes once a week for 30 mins so it was really just to illustrate the type of behaviour I'm witnessing really. My main struggle at the moment is getting him into his buggy, through the front door, up for a nappy change etc etc.

Yes I take him to the park literally daily at the moment, and I choose a fenced off area which has grass and no playground so he can just run!

Everyone on here says "totally normal" which is reassuring... however he is still the one who stands out like a sore thumb everywhere I go, hence me not feeling it is normal. Iyswim.

That's because 'normal' is a huge spectrum, just like us they all have their own personalities. So you won't see that every child everywhere you go is like your DC but your thread here will naturally attract parents with kids who behave(d) like yours. Also people with more er 'challenging' children are perhaps more likely to be worried about their kids behaviour and actively avoid taking them to things like groups, soft play, etc (not that they should! But I know people who have) - so you will naturally see less of them when you go places. The final reason is that you're so focused on your own DC you don't notice everyone else's all the time, so you probably don't notice other children behaving similarly a lot of the time anyway. The things you've just described there are definitely challenges I had with my DD. She's still a struggle to get out the door I'd say 50 per cent of the time and she's nearly 4! Buggy issue evaporates as they grow out of it, same with nappies - we toilet trained her at 26 months purely because nappy changing was a huge source of anxiety for me as they were that horrendous! Luckily she took to the potty straight away, I guess she was motivated as she hated having her nappy changed.

Mines the same, OP. She's basically a celebrity at nursery, everyone knows her name and says hi and bye to her, she's such a character and makes an impression everywhere she goes. While I love that, she is also utterly exhausting and I can't take my eyes off her for a minute. She is always exploring, running, climbing, jumping, ferreting about in other people's business. She draws attention everywhere she goes.

She HATES nappy changes - she always has. It's struggle to get her to stop doing something and do something else (ie stop play, get in pram). But from what I can tell, most toddlers have issues with transitions. They have so little control in their lives, they are constantly told what to do and when, what to eat, how to behave, when to sit, when to stand, when to sleep... I try to keep this in mind when she's melting down. It's tough being a toddler.

I'm not worried (although I AM tired). I try to keep her as active and sociable as possible so she can get all her energy out of her system each day. I know as her communication grows, things will get easier. It's just her personality - some people want to wring every last drop out of life, and your son sounds the same!

'Validate his feelings'?😬
Oh my goodness. He's 22 months. You are doing the right thing using distraction techniques, tickling etc at nappy changing / buggy times but there's a place for realising that you are the adult and he is the child. He may not like it, but your feelings need to be 'validated" too. And he's flipping well got to do as he's told. This retired primary school tescher only ever held a baby once before having 3 very different characterful children. All now confident and loving adults who are in no way badly affected by their upbringing.

Sounds like both my boys at that age.

DS2 is a bit older (26m) but he can understand 2 choices now when I want him to do something..eg, hold hands nicely or we go home, sit in the pushchair to eat strawberries or else no strawberries etc.

Mines 4.5 and is like this... sigh

Hi op I have children and neices and nephews so have quite a lot of child experience and I can tell you your son sounds totally bang on normal !

The thing of organised activities at that age is very very hit and miss . Some kids will sit in the circle but others just won't. That's why we don't ask children to sit down much until they go to school. Why should he sit down or follow instructions at football? He is a toddler he is being totally normal and healthy if he explores and plays on his own schedule.

Believe me he will spend enough time being told what to when he starts school at 4.....and there are many children who will struggle even then. As we start formal learning too early. For me to hear of someone worrying a 2 yesr old won't sit still or follow instructions it's just more loss of understanding about children's self directed play.

Toddlers are wilful and its fine to be a bit firm if they are doing something dangerous.

Go with your child's personality and just get him out to the park and playing freely a lot.

@Snippysocks

'Validate his feelings'?😬 Oh my goodness. He's 22 months. You are doing the right thing using distraction techniques, tickling etc at nappy changing / buggy times but there's a place for realising that you are the adult and he is the child. He may not like it, but your feelings need to be 'validated" too. And he's flipping well got to do as he's told. This retired primary school tescher only ever held a baby once before having 3 very different characterful children. All now confident and loving adults who are in no way badly affected by their upbringing.

@Snippysocks

Yes, validating his feelings - as in, when he has a tantrum saying "I can see you feel frustrated that soft play is closing" or whatever. It's is advised to encourage them to understand and eventually be able to articulate their own feelings, rather than just immediate distraction or telling them to be quiet.

Hi OP, I have friend who are younger than me and this method of parenting is really popular with them. Some of them have used it to great success. The ones where it hasn’t been successful are when they’ve got children who are like yours. I’ve seen their children run off into dangerous situations and there has been zero consequences. How are children meant to learn the different boundaries of we treat every situation with the same?

Thanks for your advice.

I've just come back from an exhausting trip to the park. We had multiple meltdowns unfortunately. There were lots of people there due to Easter sunshine, even though I headed for the biggest expanse of open grass. He enjoyed it initially, then heads over to picnicking families and grabs footballs, toys, scooters etc. I anticipated most of these and managed to stop him but this caused massive tantrums each time. I've tried to explain they aren't our toys but of course he's too young. He doesn't want to play with his own ball. I managed to distract him with exciting sticks and a squirrel a couple of times.

Another kind family with older kids were really relaxed and let him play with lots of their toys but I'm on constant stress level trying to stop him grabbing their picnic or outstaying his welcome. Then he saw a toy digger being played with by a different little boy across the park and simply bolted towards it before I could stop him. When he picked it up the boy's mum snapped at me that it belonged to her son and I had to apologise and take DS away. This caused a huuuge meltdown. He's v heavy and it's hard carrying him when he's fighting and struggling - I hate it. He grabbed both sides of my head and pulled my hair as hard as he could and tried to bite my head, he was so frustrated. I felt so sorry for him and just kept calm saying "I know", but it's horrible, and not pleasant for either of us.

In the end I was hoping I could keep him occupied at the park till 5pm but after yet another similar incident I felt so exhausted and he was distressed so I managed to get him in his buggy with a struggle and we came home.

He is now playing a game on the iPad on my lap. I feel like a shit patent.

I guess it's similar to a teenager shouting "I hate you Mum" - they just can't manage their emotions and it's all too much. As Mum you can't take it personally. I get it. But it feels so awful and it's physically a nightmare too.

That sounds hard, OP, and relentless.

Toddlers are actually worse than teenagers - they have more hormones raging in them now than at any other time in their lives! I try to keep that in mind, too.

When his speech gets better, hopefully he will be able to express himself in gentler ways.

@KohLantaTrying to validate the feelings of a 22 month old tantrumming toddler?.Wow....😬

Ah that sounds rough, OP. Some children are more difficult to handle at various stages. Normal but exhausting!

Janet Lansbury and How To Talk so Little Kids Listen have some good strategies for trying to avoid tantrums and things escalating. Not a silver bullet but I've found quite a few things work with my DD and stop things spiralling.

It sounds like you have a really respectful approach already and are doing the right things, sometimes it just takes time, repetition and perseverance. Things tend to get better as speech gets better too.

You sound like a great mum, much kinder and more patient than i ever was, and i had 5 of the beggers! I think most toddlers are like this, I am amazed the others stay on their spot tbh. Maybe it's a matter of confidence, all toddlers want to run off, rifle through handbags, grab everything they see etc, but many are probably just too shy to do it in public.
I do think you might need some strategies for nappy changing and other times when you need to keep him in check though, distraction is usually the best option with this age group but there are times when he needs to listen, all you can really do is be calm and consistent, he will come to understand that sometimes mum means business. Pulling your hair and trying to bite you is unacceptable. Yes he is doing it because he is upset and frustrated, but you need to teach him that it is not acceptable, by modeling good behaviour, talking about kind hands, and sometines by holding his hands and firmly saying no, we do not bite/slap/pull hair. It is tough but he is still very little and it will get easier as he grows.

I’ve just had to leave a group this morning after 45 minutes because of a tremendous meltdown because I wouldn’t let him rifle through another family’s bag!

Sorry but this did make me laugh … I hear you! I can just imagine my toddler doing this!

[quote Snippysocks]@KohLantaTrying to validate the feelings of a 22 month old tantrumming toddler?.Wow....😬[/quote]

@Snippysocks I don't really understand your posts. Why the "wow"?

As he's only 22 months do you believe that makes him less entitled to respect than an adult? Are you of the school of thought that children are lesser human beings?

As a teacher I would have thought you would know about validation - I'm a teacher and I do- and it's about acknowledging a child's emotions. It's not the same as condoning their behaviour.

I'll attach some Harvard research if you don't believe me: www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-respond-to-tantrums-2020051919845

Don’t worry @KohLanta, there’s always someone on here who wants to put you down for doing your best.

Some of what you're experiencing will feel worse / more awkward if he is tall, as some people will react to his behaviour in public as if he was the age he "looks". What you describe some children doing at toddler football - I'm willing to bet the ones that are following the activities are substantially older than your child.

Keep doing what you have to to redirect him and keep him safe, and if you feel you're getting unhappy looks from anyone mention "so sorry. By the way he's not 2 yet".

My mother has told me a tale from when she took me back to England when I was a toddler and her father was dying. The plane was crowded with a lot of small children on board. One little girl's father apparently berated me for knocking his little girl over. When asked, she was 2 1/2; I was 12 months and only just walking ... But probably twice her size to be fair.

I’m more shocked at the other toddlers not wondering off in all directions at football to be honest. Your DS sounds like a typical, lively and adventurous, boundary pushing almost 2 year old to me.

@Pythonesque

Some of what you're experiencing will feel worse / more awkward if he is tall, as some people will react to his behaviour in public as if he was the age he "looks". What you describe some children doing at toddler football - I'm willing to bet the ones that are following the activities are substantially older than your child.

Keep doing what you have to to redirect him and keep him safe, and if you feel you're getting unhappy looks from anyone mention "so sorry. By the way he's not 2 yet".

My mother has told me a tale from when she took me back to England when I was a toddler and her father was dying. The plane was crowded with a lot of small children on board. One little girl's father apparently berated me for knocking his little girl over. When asked, she was 2 1/2; I was 12 months and only just walking ... But probably twice her size to be fair.

Thanks @Pythonesque it's a really good point. People are always surprised to hear how young he is as he's wearing 3-4yo size clothes.

Its really difficult to gauge OP as we are not there with you and we don't know your toddler. At nearly 2 though I think you maybe need to be firmer because hitting also isn't acceptable and if you wait till he's 3 it will become difficult to manage.

I don't think the person who said the comment about the reputation should of said that it's belittling. However I have also been out with a friend and had people tutting over the slightest little thing so don't let it knock your confidence.